Life IS always beautiful...i just have to keep telling myself this. There is alot weighing on me right now with my relationship with rudy. At this point, we have decided to date again and the more serious we get about making a lifetime commitment to each other the more scared I get. I am ready and excited to be settled down (if he decides this is what he wants) and I am ready to move past dating and to really have a life wiht someone and have a family for VE. Most of the time I want this with him, others I am concerned that things would go back to the way they were, that our long term goals are still very different, I dont want to be "just half the rent payment" to him and I dont want him to want to be with me for this reason. He is very unreadable most of the time. Its scary. We did go look at a condo today that we both love and rudy thinks its something we should go forward with. Who knows what will happen. I do miss him though.

Vaughn-elise is having a rough day....tired I think. Her sleep schedule has been so off...somenights she falls asleep at 6, others its 8:30. Some mornigns she sleeps til 6 and others its 8:00. Somedays she has two naps, others just one. I thought being at home it would be easier to mandate a better schedule wtih her but since she's growing so much, her needs are different and i have a hard time reading it.

I feel we have been very busy lately but with nothign in particular. I am still looking for a job and that stresses me out. good news though, I takled with united healthcare today and I can get individual insurance for 89 per month when it would cost me 350 for cobra. Thats a good thing...at least i know if i am unemployed for a while longer i can still have affordable healthcare that is comparable to my previous plan.

I am exhausted running around trying to keep vaughn out of everything, the plants, the cookbooks, the stairs, the tv cords, the magazines, the books, the mail, the breakable pottery all close to the ground, the decorative things, the CDS, DVDs, its exhausting. I am so ready to have my own place that I can baby proof and keep things up and out of her reach. It would be different if we were not hear all day but she gets bored and then she gets into everything.
Today I put the gate up to keep her with her toys in the kitchen and RAN down the hall to grab my phone and ran back to see her standing on the botton step saying "uh oh!" she had escaped and gone down the stairs in a matter of 30 seconds. Sigh. She is awake....must go tend to her...