Taking my sisters blog to heart

I love thunderstorms. We had one today. Vaughns first one.
Vaughn slept through the night for the first time in several nights. Amen to that.
I have a three day week at work.
Arizona (aka warm weather) is just days away.
The tailor told me i was losing weigh. I needed to hear that.
The phones went down again today-i needed that break from work.
I am heading to bed early. 8:50. Hallelujah.

Hardest weekend of my life.

As many of you know- this has been an especially trying weekend for me. After much thought, and little preperation, I decided it was time that Rudy and I take a break. For the time being I am living with my parents. We both Love Vaughn-elise more than anything else in this world, but we are needing some time apart to figure out what it is that we want for our futures....be that together or seperate. We have decided to take a few months, or longer and re learn ourselves, figure out what we want and what we wont settle for. We may end up together, as a family and we may not. My hope is that this time apart will prove best for us all. Becuase this is about Rudy and I and not Vaughn and Rudy, he will be watching her still in the mornings. For now, as long as that continues to work out. She loves her daddy, she lights up when he walks in a room. I would never take that from either of them.


I am asking that everyone keep us in thier prayers. It was one of the hardest choices i have ever had to make to leave, and i am still not convinced it was the right thing, but its time we make some choices and this was what needed to happen in order for those decisions and choices to take place. This is not something I am proud of or delighting in, its just where I am. It is strange not waking up in your own place, the place you have decorated (at least to an extent.), where you know where everything is, where its your pictures on the walls, your food in the fridge, your space, and you can do as you please. I have not lived in my parents house since high school and its an adjustment. They are very gracious for allowing me to come back and move my things in. I appreciate that more than they know. Its still hard though.

Again, please keep me and Rudy and Vaughn-elise in your prayers during this rough patch. Thanks!

My crazy haired girl.

After a bath- wild hair women comes out..there is no controlling it...I love it. I hope its crazy hair forever.

Heartache.

My heart is aching for the families i know, and those I dont know, who are going through unthinkable amounts of pain. Those families on my mind right now include my cousin Jailee, her husband Chris and thier son Jude. At five months pregnant, Jailee delivered her daughter Joey Rachelle at 10 inches long and 11.2 ounces. Unthinkable. The precious little girl lived for 4 hours while her mommy and daddy got to love her and be with her, and then she passed. As a mother, this is pain I cannot fathom. I cannot imagine losing the purpose in your life. Something you have planned for, longed for and felt inside of you for 5 months to have met her and then had to say goodbye all within 4 short hours. I just cant stop thinking of them, feeling her heartache and praying for them.

The other family, whom i dont know but I am sure you all have heard- The Iowa city family who was killed by the dad/husband. 4 beautiful adopted children, one loving mother and a lunatic father. I dont understand why he didnt just kill himself first. To kill himself after everyone he killed his entire family is such a cowardly act. I am disguested. It just makes you realize, you never know what is happening behind closed doors, behind the big beautiful homes, the families high up and active in the community. You just never never know. I hate that man that i dont even know. Those poor children, unwanted from their origional homes, and put in the hands of a killer as their caregiver. I cannot imagine the last minutes in their homes. I cannot imagine that mothers last thoughts of her children's safety, her concern for their lives. I cannot imagine seeing your brothers and sisters killed. I cannot imagine how sick that man must have been to do this to his family. I literally have not stopped thinking about it. This is why i dont watch the news. Because i see things like this, sick horrible demented things and then they control my life for several weeks, they control my thoughts, i cant get it out of my head, out of my dreams, out of my fears. It exhausts me emotionally and mentally. I hate that man.

So to anyone reading this PLEASE keep these two families in your prayers. They need all of them they can get.

Monday blues....

For some reason, today has been a rough monday. It might be the holidays ending...it might be all that is laying heavy on my heart...it might be that i was expecting it to be 60 degrees today. I dont know. But I am home now, picking up, playing with vaughn-elise and just relaxing. It has been a good evening. Vaughn is in a great mood...sitting beside me playing. The countdown is on for Arizona. 10 days til we leave!! YAY. I am very much so ready for some warmth!

Vaughn-elise belly l aughed for the third time today, while i was singing with her and playing with her...the third time in front of me anyways. She melts my heart when she does that. Something inside of me changes, glows, burns on fire for her. I am amazed everytime i look at her. I could watch her all day and memorize her everymove and never once get bored with her. How does a mother convey these strong emotions to their children? How do i let her know how deeply i am in love with her? How much i cherish every second i am with her? How i cant fathom her ever feeling pain? How?

HAPPY EASTER

Grandma and Papa with their grandbabies.

My beautiful Spring Beauty opening her easter basket.

This has been a busy weekend! Maria's family (Matthew's girlfriend, maria) came down on saturday and we had a big get together. It was alot of fun. Matthew was crazy nervous, but i thought the two families meshed well. It wasnt awkward-although my poor momma worked her tail off getting ready. It was alot of fun and all her hard word did not go un-noticed.

Easter Sunday was another busy but great day. Vaughn-elise slept til 8:30!!!! I was even in her room moving things around, being noisy etc and she was just snoozing through it. I got her up and opened her Easter basket with her. Then she had breakfast and we got all ready for church, and after church had a feast at mom and dads. I love holidays. I love just having everyone hang out together. We didnt leave til nearly nine at night- Matthew and Maria were there also and we just hung out, played games, took naps, ate...it was a fun time. I wish all weekends were like that (minus the gluttony!) Now tomorrow starts another normal work week. BLAH. Its always a let down when holidays are over. But we are on the countdown to warmer weather in Arizona. I have started packing and getting everything together and its just making me more excited!!!

For now, its bedtime at our place...it's been a very busy weekend and we all need our beauty sleep!! HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE.

Give Props where Props are due.

ATTENTION ALL MOTHERS OR MOTHERS TO BE (OR GRANDMOTHERS)

I know I have posted about this before but I will donate a whole entry to it. There is a new childrens used (but barely!) clothing store (also have maternity).

I absolutely love this store. It's called Charlies and is located in West Glen in the very back adjacent to the funny bone. It is the BEST one i have found. They do not have things like carseats, strollers blankets etc... it is ALL CLOTHES. but they have a TON of clothes in every size and they except nothing that looks worn. I have gotten vaughn a ton of stuff there for summer- as i am sure the rest of you feel, I am sick of buying clothes and having her grow out of them in 2 months. I have been looking for a spring jacket for a couple months now, but i either cant find them or they are like 20 dollars... nope, i found one exactly like i was looking for, name brand for 6 dollars (this however, is the most expensive thing i have seen in there.) It is very well priced....CHECK IT OUT!

Picture updates!

duh!

I just realized, I said there was nothing exciting going on this week.... not during the week really- but i totally forgot this is Vaughn-elise's first Easter!! Thats exciting!!! AND we are meeting Matthew's gilfriend, Maria's family this weekend. We adore her to pieces and I am sure will have a blast with both families together- although Matthew is not so fond of the idea:)

Food day tomorrow at work, so i better get to cookin- Corn Casserole was the request so I signed up. DELISH

Just another day...

Mommy and her sweet baby girl..

Vaughnna sitting up all by herself! playing Mr. Gumball Machine with cousin Gabs. I cant wait for them to be best friends!


This week has been like every other week. Nothing exciting going on. We went to the Quad Cities this weekend and everyone was so shocked at how much vaughnna had grown. I am amazed everyday by the things she is learning. I cant believe she sits by herself already..my big 5 month old. SHe still gets a little wobbly sometimes but has never used a boppy so i think she is doing GREAT. We have found the first food she doesnt like...bananas. Peas, she loves, carrots, not so bad, bananas? barf. She gags them everytime. I guess that will be a food we have to slowly introduce.

I cant believe we will be going to AZ in just two weeks. I am getting soo excited. The dress is done, we are picking up things here and there that we need, I am going to start packing soon as it always takes me a while... il ove packing- its the unpacking i cant stand. I just cant wait!!!I am in much need of some time away!

Well, its early and i still have to get ready for work and get vaughn-elise ready for the day. Chao!!

It's MY Holiday!!!

I LOVE ST PATTY'S DAY!!! I remember when i was little and the teachers would have us crawl around the room looking for the leprechaun. In kindergarten, i remember swearing he was under the piano....all year... at the end of the year, i finally realized that that "tiny man" was really a dust bunny. Disappointing but i have never forgotten it and remember that every year on this day:) I feel like St. Patricks day is celebrated just for me. HA, i know its dorky- but i just love it. I was so confused and mad about them switching it to saturday, i wore green and celebrated friday, sat, sunday and today (sadly i was out of green shirts today so i just wore a green button.)

i hope you all enjoyed it, at some corned beef and hash and drank some green beer for me! CHEERS.

May the road rise up to meet you.

May the wind always be at your back.

May the sun shine warm upon your face,

and rains fall soft upon your fields.And until we meet again,

May God hold you in the palm of His hand

May God give you...

For every storm, a rainbow,

For every tear, a smile,For every care, a promise,

And a blessing in each trial.

For every problem life sends,

A faithful friend to share,

For every sigh, a sweet song,

And an answer for each prayer

May there always be work for your hands to do.

May your purse always hold a coin or two.

May the sun always shine on your windowpane.

May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain.

May the hand of a friend always be near you.

May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.

3-16-07

First of all, I appologize for not posting more pictures with my posts. I cannot find my camera for some reason. I have tried to post videos but am having no luck. Vaughn did so good in the car to and from the quad cities. She didnt sleep at all on the way there, just stayed up talking. Last night was rough- she is used to her routine now, sleeping in a crib at night, in her own room and last night there was no crib and i didnt take a pac n play. (last time i will forget that.) So she was up all the time. I put her in bed wtih me at first, which i hate doing- but didnt want her to sleep on the floor. I ended up laying down some blankets on the floor and having her try to sleep there but it was cold and uncomfortable. we were up every hour with her. Its always nice to get back into your own bed when your home and i believe she feels the same way. In fact, she's just chillin in there as I type:) I am excited for Easter next weekend. I just love holidays.

For any of you who know me- I was pretty upset at the Catholic church for moving ST patty's day to saturday. I consider that "my holiday" and am going to go ahead and celebrate it on monday as i would have anyways. I am wearing green...but to be a trooper with the change, i also wore green on friday AND saturday as well. I love being irish :)

sleep over.

Last night- I had made plans to go out with some friends from work. It was a long long week and I needed to just unwind. I asked my dad if they could watch vaughn until rudy got home and he asked me if they could just keep her over night. I wont lie. My first instinct was "NO WAY! She is ONLY 5 months old! I am NOT ready for that yet." But, I called my sister and decided that since she is sleeping through the night-it wouldnt be a big deal. So-although I was sad to leave her and incredibly nervous (she gets scared easily and i didnt want her to wake up and not have me there.) I decided to let them. They are her grandparents afterall and did raise me up just fine. She did great!! And although they didnt say so, I think my parents loved having her there. She is at such a fun age right now- its nice for the people who love her most to get to spend more time with her. I have finished shopping for her for easter. What a silly thing anyways- to stress about what to put in a 5 months olds easter basket!! :) But, its her first Easter and I wanted her to have things that were fun for her. She is outgrowing much of her baby toys and losing interest in things that dont move or respond to her, so I have picked up more board books and interactive toys hoping that will keep her entertained for a few months. I dont know if she is old enough to remember toys from day to day, but i have put some new ones aside for airzona's plane ride so she has something new to discover and play with. I am SO ready for our trip!!!

belly laughing

Today, i ran into Old Navy to get vaughn her swimsuit for Arizona. Since the weather was so nice I just carried her in and used the stroller cart that they have there. She has never ridden in one so low to the grownd and i didnt know how she would do. I turned a corner and the cart whacked into something and vaughn started giggling...not a small chuckle,... an incontrollable belly laugh that wouldnt stop. She was bouncing she was laughing so hard. It was like she had been keeping it in for five months and just couldnt stop it once it started. It was the funniest, most amazing sound I have ever heard. How can you have a broken heart when your baby goes and does something like that, huh? Everyone in the baby section was laughing and i was on my knees i was laughing so hard. It was just hillarious. SO, i started intentionally running into things just to make her laugh. I dont know if it was the store, the cart, or just the timing but it was the best thing i have ever heard. My heart swelled ten times. I cant wait to catch it on video.

Feeling defeated.

I assumed that once God answered prayers, it was easy from that point on...you would easily accept it because after all, it is God's plan for you. WRONG. Knowing and accepting are two completely different things. I dont think I have ever been more sure of God's plan than I am right now, and yet, I feel completely defeated and lost. I dont like to accept what God wishes for me in this department. I had a breakdown today coming home from work. Picked up my girly and my breakdown continued through the walgreens pharmacy drive through, on home and I havent stopped since!! I have a new friend from work that I also feel was put in my life by God at this point for a reason. He is amazing and I am so blessed to have him in my life as such a strong Christian man right now. He is always reminding me- in emails, sticky notes phone calls etc to keep my chin up, talk to God about it, trust God. I dont let things get to me at work, but he just can tell. SO he called me when he got off of work to make sure I have been praying. To listen. To give what advice he knew. And he reminded me that change is ALWAYS hard. Whether its good change or bad, its change and that makes it difficult. He said "right now, its hard for you to see a tomorrow different than today. That doesnt mean its going to be miserable or hard-i think youre just scared. You are a great mom and you know what you need to do. You cant have asked for a more clear sign and you just need to remember, God won't take you somewhere to leave you there by yourself." He said "How can you focus on your baby girl when your so focused on why your mad or upset or hurting?" He said alot of things. Things that were comforting. Before he hung up- he said to me " I am always always here for you...you can call always, but before you pick up that phone...make sure you have called God on it and asked him for advice and told him how your feeling." I just needed that. I needed someone other than family and church friends to remind me of that. This is a tough week. It's going to get worse before it gets better. I am just struggling to see the light at the end of this tunnel.

Answered prayers....

God sure has a funny way of working. A blunt way. A "lets not beat around the bush. You're being a stubborn, untrusting idiot, now LISTEN UP girlfriend! "sort of way. The past couple weeks have been difficult. The past few years-more less, i have been searching for answers to a specific area in my life. I keep saying...God, I need signs. So he gives me one. And I say, was that a sign? If that was your sign God- I didnt get it, could you send a bigger one? And so he does. And I say "God, i think im digging to deep into things. Was that your bigger sign? If so, I am paying attention...just one more...and this is how its carried on for years. I have always half jokingly prayed and told people " I think if i am supposed to get a sign it needs to be huge, in bright yellow letters with some kind of another sign along side it so i know its for me....that this is the sign I am supposed to be listening to." This has been my prayer, my whole hearted prayer the past few weeks...And today at church God must have taken me serious becuase while i was praying silently- half listening in and out of the sermen, I look up and on the GIGANTIC overhead screen in BIG BOLD YELLOW letters, right next to one of my favorite, most relatable paintings (Edward Munch- The Scream) read the words I had been looking for. " Do not let fear make your decisions for you." and in my heart I heard the rest..." For in the Lord, your God there is nothing to fear. I will not lead you to harm, i will take you from pains way."
And shortly after, Pastor Tom pownded the nail in harder stating " You who are young have a responsibility to choose your spouse wisely. Choose one who's heart is equally with the Lord."

Thanks God, for the slap across the head. It was one of those "Smack- Shoulda had a V8" sorta moments.

PS. I know her hair looks like horns but its just so darn cute and so darn girly- I cant help myself.

Little model!

As I posted before, we went to Portrait Innovations this weekend to get the barbie's pictures taken. She loved it and kept posing up a storm ... It was so funny. We finally got the pictures back. Here are some, but not all of the ones we ordered. Isnt she a beaut??? MAN I LOVE HER!

And Yet Another...

Snow storm. Seriously, i dont know how much more I (or anyone else in Iowa) can complain about this disgusting weather. It was such an amazing weather weekend and then blah ..again. I think this is REDICULOUS and it wakes me up in a bad mood. I am sure I could get past it and just deal, but i have been doing that for...what...5 months now? GROSS!!!! Why cant it just snow for maybe a month around the holidays and then be done. Stupid weather men anyways!

A pigtail day...

An aftershot. The split no hawk after the piggies come out. :)

Today was a great day- gorgeous weather! I got up at 6:30 with vaughn and felt completley rested... i went tanning, installed vaughnna's new carseat, went to church, got my nails done and then we got her pictures taken...the before and after process of the pictures was horrible, but she did AWESOME. The photographer didnt have to do anything, she didnt have to tickle her, really talk much to her and vaughn just acted like a little model. It was so hard to narrow down to the pictures we did and we got more than we should have...but she's only little once. Her and I alike are exhausted now, so its bedtime for her, laudry time for me. We still dont have our pictures back yet (thier printer broke) but i will post them as soon as we get them so you all can adore her. I am having so much fun watching vaughn grow and change. I am so blessed to have her. what a miracle.