I Cannot believe that little ms. vaughn-elise is going to be 6 months old on tuesday. Where have the past 6 months gone? That's half a year!!! I cant believe it!!! It seems like I have known her forever but that I just had her a few weeks ago. It makes me sad...if the first six months go this fast- where will the rest of the time go? I try to hold her as much as I can, play with her, love on her. Every small daily thing is special to me. Becuase for so long I didnt think I could have children, I still look at her in amazement. Its strange to think she is really mine. That I have a daughter. Isn't it amazing?!?!
For those of you who know how Vaughn-elise has struggled in the past with her sensitive stomach, i have to say- the troubles have not gone away yet. She is on baby food now and loves it alot! I have been trying to be careful about what I give her, not forcing what she doesnt like, but slowly introducing things. I took her to the doctor last week (I thought she had an ear infection-negetive) and while I was there I asked the doc about when to start introducing stage 2 foods. She said anytime is fine as long as she was doing well with stage 1. So, at target I got a few new kinds. Peas are her favorite so I got spring vegetables(peas and green beans) with rice. BAD IDEA. I dont know if it was becaue of this change in food or what but she was up 5 times in the night (she is used to sleeping 12 hours straight through.) screaming...gassy.....blow out diapers...I felt horrible!!! Today she was fine, still had a blow out, but other than that she was really good. I guess we are going to have to take it really slow. She is teething too. Does this sort of thing happen to teething babies? I am still not convinced her ears are fine. The doctor was a little crazy- some lady we have never been to and Vaughnie is still pulling on her ears and not wanting to be laid down. Her six month is this week, I will have them check the ears again.
Okay, this entry is getting long. I need to go to bed in case she has another rough night.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Saturday, April 12, 2008
You're kidding....
RIGHT??? This cannot be happening. It cannot really be snowing on the Adel City Wide garage sale day. What a hunk of crap!
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Arizona pictures
Vaughn-elise's first taste of the swimming pool. Unfortunatly it was too cold to get her in, but she got quite a kick out of playing in the water with her feet.
At breakfast- wishing she could get her hands on my waffle.
All the girlies getting ready before the wedding. We had to lace each other's dresses up.
Me, Matthew, Andrea, Rudy and VE
Enjoying some sunshine!
Hanging out in the hotel while mommy got ready.
Cowboy Vaughn-elise!
The view from our hotel room. Gorgeous!!
The view from the other hotel off my parents patio.
Vaughn and I hanging out.Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Arizona
We returned last night from our trip to Arizona. It was a trip that went way too fast. (Dont all vacations.) But there really was absolutely NO down time for me. The rest of the family relaxed and swam alot... I was busy with wedding stuff, so it went way to fast for me. The wedding was just beautiful, i was really honored to be a part of it and it was a blast. Vaughn's schedule was completely thrown off and she didnt nap well, or at all really. Its always nice to be gone and get away and its always good to get back to your normal routine. I missed hanging out with my work friends and i missed vaughn being able to rest like she normally does. The weather was gorgeous out there. It was vaughn-elise's first time being in the warmth and she enjoyed it for the most part. I was hoping i would get time to take her swimming for the first time, but due to the busy schedule, i wasnt able to do that. She got to stick her feet in the water though and she thought that was a blast! We had a really good time! (minus the airports and flying...thats another story all together.)
I took Vaughn-elise to the doctor today becuase i thought she had an ear infection. I think the flight must have been really bothering her ears and along with her teething, just a bad mix. Her ears were fine though. Thank God for that!! I worry about that since we all had ear problems as children. She is growing so fast though- i just cant believe she is almost 6 months old! CAN YOU?
Anyways, back to the daily grind.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Just because I needed to write....
3-29-08
The blank page in front of me stares in ridicule of what I prepare to write, what I dare to think. This weekend haunts my every step, decisions made without sincerity. How do you feel secure in a decision that changes not only your life but the next hundred years of other peoples, when what you decide will shape who someone else becomes. When your fear fills a room and you stand in the corner, weeping, shaking- it is hard to decipher right from wrong, emotion from wisdom, noise from silence. Everything blends together. I can’t fathom the next few weeks, will it hurt this bad? Will the pain fade into acceptance? For the next fifty years will I regret what I have done? I lay in bed at night while the silence at the foot of the bed screams over me, while the covers fail to shift next to me, while the feedings are all mine and not shared, while the alarm fails to sound. I lay there in my bed at night and wish I had stayed. This is not my home anymore- it hasn’t been for years and I miss the smell of my candles, the responsibility of my own place, I miss coming and going and singing loudly and the memories of my newborn baby coming home for the first time. The apartment was small, but it was mine- it was my home, the first place we had together, my child’s first home. Her nursery is now empty and she sleeps in my room. Her toys scattered in boxes thrown together. I left the cherished pictures so the rooms would not be void her. If I were the one left, I would hate me for leaving, I would hate me for taking my truest love. I imagine him coming home to a quite place, no sign other than pictures of his baby girl, no dinner in the fridge, no one sleeping in bed. I imagine him walking in to everything missing, and I cry for him. I cry because I wanted a family together, I wanted holidays and birthday parties, I wanted Saturday breakfast in beds to last forever, I wanted summer baseball games and movies and thunderstorms. I wanted it all. I don’t know how I got here. I don’t know where the love went, was it left behind on accident in a town between here and nowhere? Was it given away by accident to a stranger in the store? Was it slowly rationed out and now we owe a debt? Was it ours forgotten and left untended? Did we hide it in boxes and bags and closets of unused items? I know I felt it. I know I once owned it.
As I go through my boxes of shoes mixed with sweaters mixed with dishes, I find a life I forgot I was living. I find pieces of the love I though was missing. I have found memories in snapshots I forgot I had and I find a moment I will never relive, never get back and a love that is forever changed. I hate myself for that.
The blank page in front of me stares in ridicule of what I prepare to write, what I dare to think. This weekend haunts my every step, decisions made without sincerity. How do you feel secure in a decision that changes not only your life but the next hundred years of other peoples, when what you decide will shape who someone else becomes. When your fear fills a room and you stand in the corner, weeping, shaking- it is hard to decipher right from wrong, emotion from wisdom, noise from silence. Everything blends together. I can’t fathom the next few weeks, will it hurt this bad? Will the pain fade into acceptance? For the next fifty years will I regret what I have done? I lay in bed at night while the silence at the foot of the bed screams over me, while the covers fail to shift next to me, while the feedings are all mine and not shared, while the alarm fails to sound. I lay there in my bed at night and wish I had stayed. This is not my home anymore- it hasn’t been for years and I miss the smell of my candles, the responsibility of my own place, I miss coming and going and singing loudly and the memories of my newborn baby coming home for the first time. The apartment was small, but it was mine- it was my home, the first place we had together, my child’s first home. Her nursery is now empty and she sleeps in my room. Her toys scattered in boxes thrown together. I left the cherished pictures so the rooms would not be void her. If I were the one left, I would hate me for leaving, I would hate me for taking my truest love. I imagine him coming home to a quite place, no sign other than pictures of his baby girl, no dinner in the fridge, no one sleeping in bed. I imagine him walking in to everything missing, and I cry for him. I cry because I wanted a family together, I wanted holidays and birthday parties, I wanted Saturday breakfast in beds to last forever, I wanted summer baseball games and movies and thunderstorms. I wanted it all. I don’t know how I got here. I don’t know where the love went, was it left behind on accident in a town between here and nowhere? Was it given away by accident to a stranger in the store? Was it slowly rationed out and now we owe a debt? Was it ours forgotten and left untended? Did we hide it in boxes and bags and closets of unused items? I know I felt it. I know I once owned it.
As I go through my boxes of shoes mixed with sweaters mixed with dishes, I find a life I forgot I was living. I find pieces of the love I though was missing. I have found memories in snapshots I forgot I had and I find a moment I will never relive, never get back and a love that is forever changed. I hate myself for that.
4/2/2008
4/2/2008
Isn’t it funny how often the saddest, darkest moments in our lives are also numbing. How it seems that our bodies become so overwhelmed with emotion and thought that they, in a way, shut down? I suppose this is for a reason. I suppose this is for protection. In part I am thankful for this survival mechanism. In part, though- I hate it. I want to feel the pain in order to appreciate the peace. And I do feel it- just not like I think I should. Is it my hearts survival or my minds? I feel often that without this, I would be unable to focus in on more than just the space around me. I would struggle to perform and would fail to put one foot in front of the other.
Isn’t it sad how during trials, pleasing everyone else takes higher ground than healing ourselves? Instead of fighting for what may best protect us, fear gives in and we do what everyone else believes will be best. I do at least. When I get scared or overwhelmed, I feel like I am a statue and around me are the tourists, poking, touching, observing my life without permission. Packing my things and ushering them into their vehicles in attempt to save me from a world I am not ready to leave. People pulling pictures of walls, clothes out of drawers, dishes off shelves and I cant stop crying long enough to stop them. And then I am angry for weeks. Wanting them to know they crossed the line. If they hadn’t, would I have ever left? Are they intruding tourists or angels in disguise?
Isn’t it scary to think that your life, as you have lived for years changed and you missed it? You missed the defining moment between then and now. You missed when things changed, forgot how things were. You somehow misplaced what it was that made you happy and instead picked up what broke you. You lost who you were in a dark stairwell that led to the place you wanted to be. You left yourself there instead of continuing to where you knew you should be. Like a child who wonders from her parents in the store, to see the things she went their to see and then end up feeling terrified and lost when all you wanted was to see what excited you.
Isn’t it amazing how pain finds its way out of your pores, how we sweat it away without knowledge? Isn’t it refreshing? To one day feel as though your chest is cement, hardening, cracking even and without your knowledge of change, the air becomes light and your smile returns, your mind at ease. It is amazing how we process pain, change, fear, and don’t know we are even working through it all. We might think we have stored it away to be dealt with after work, after supper, tomorrow, next week when all along God is working on it for us. Isn’t that just amazing?
Isn’t it funny how often the saddest, darkest moments in our lives are also numbing. How it seems that our bodies become so overwhelmed with emotion and thought that they, in a way, shut down? I suppose this is for a reason. I suppose this is for protection. In part I am thankful for this survival mechanism. In part, though- I hate it. I want to feel the pain in order to appreciate the peace. And I do feel it- just not like I think I should. Is it my hearts survival or my minds? I feel often that without this, I would be unable to focus in on more than just the space around me. I would struggle to perform and would fail to put one foot in front of the other.
Isn’t it sad how during trials, pleasing everyone else takes higher ground than healing ourselves? Instead of fighting for what may best protect us, fear gives in and we do what everyone else believes will be best. I do at least. When I get scared or overwhelmed, I feel like I am a statue and around me are the tourists, poking, touching, observing my life without permission. Packing my things and ushering them into their vehicles in attempt to save me from a world I am not ready to leave. People pulling pictures of walls, clothes out of drawers, dishes off shelves and I cant stop crying long enough to stop them. And then I am angry for weeks. Wanting them to know they crossed the line. If they hadn’t, would I have ever left? Are they intruding tourists or angels in disguise?
Isn’t it scary to think that your life, as you have lived for years changed and you missed it? You missed the defining moment between then and now. You missed when things changed, forgot how things were. You somehow misplaced what it was that made you happy and instead picked up what broke you. You lost who you were in a dark stairwell that led to the place you wanted to be. You left yourself there instead of continuing to where you knew you should be. Like a child who wonders from her parents in the store, to see the things she went their to see and then end up feeling terrified and lost when all you wanted was to see what excited you.
Isn’t it amazing how pain finds its way out of your pores, how we sweat it away without knowledge? Isn’t it refreshing? To one day feel as though your chest is cement, hardening, cracking even and without your knowledge of change, the air becomes light and your smile returns, your mind at ease. It is amazing how we process pain, change, fear, and don’t know we are even working through it all. We might think we have stored it away to be dealt with after work, after supper, tomorrow, next week when all along God is working on it for us. Isn’t that just amazing?
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