I cant believe Christmas is over! It always seems like there is such abuild up and then, the next day- its gone. Its sad!! We had a great time this year though- seeing everyone, all the family, it being Vaughn-elise's first Christmas made it extra special. Although im not sure she felt well- she did pretty good.
We are going to the Quad Cities this weekend since we didnt go last and it is taking all i have to get everything ready- here and to leave. Vaughn is not sleeping well- at all really and its definetly taking its toll on me. We take turns staying up with her, rocking her, singing, feeding- nothing seems to work. when she doesnt sleep- neither do i and I am definetly not a person who can go on little to no sleep! Im a big grouch lately. I have taken her to the doctor and they say there is nothing wrong- but i know that she's not acting right....so Im taking her to a different doctor to get it figured out.

I am getting SOOO excited for my sister to have her baby boy!!! I really cant believe its only a couple weeks away.... I cant wait to see him. I cant wait to know what he looks like, smells like, how he acts, does he have hair? How big is he? I think about it all the time. I am so excited for Vaughn to have a cousin (2 really) so close to her age.

I am still waiting to hear back about this job. I thought it was a for sure thing- apparently i missunderstood and they are still interviewing. They will have their decision made by friday afternoon-I am just anxious to know- if I am not goign to work there, I HAVE to find something else!!! Its really stressful!!! Just pray that whatever i am supposed to do is shown to me. It will be a BIG relief to know what is going to be happenign job wise!

A cup of holiday cheer...

Rudy opening his HBO series one of weeds....

She wasnt quite sure about the unicorn...

But soon found it quite the snuggly sleep partner....

Mama in her new wrap with a snoozing baby girl snuggled in and an overlooking unicorn...named lil lona

I cant believe its the day before Christmas eve. Actually, only an hour and a half before. This year it hasnt seemed like Christmas until- well, up until now. Its weird for me to feel that way as usually i feel "christmasy" around october:) Maybe its part of growing up or maybe its part of a stressful time in my life. Either way, im glad i am feeling the cheer now. We were supposed to go to the QuadCities for Christmas with rudy's family this weekend, however, they were all sick and with the weather the way it was- vaughn and i stayed home. Rudy went ahead and went (as some of my presents were there and he felt the need to go home and see family as he wont be with them on thier actual christmas celebration which they do on chrismtas eve night.)

This morning i went to church with vaughnie and the holiday music is always so magical. I really hope she has the same "magic" assosciated with this time of year as i do. Its something priceless. We went back to my parents and spent the afternoon hanging o ut with the whole family- looking at recipes, baking, preparing for Chrismtas eve and Christmas day. I think thats what got me in the holiday mood. SOmething about being home always does it for me. I think thats part of the reason i have struggled this year- not being home as much as i would like.

Rudy made it home safetly and we decided that with the hustle and bustle of tomorrow and him working- me being at my grandparents and then staying the night to morrow night at my parents and spending all of Christmas day there- that we would do our gift exchange tongiht with vaughn and each other. She slept most of the way through it, but thats okay, it was nice to just hang out with each other. Apparently all my gifts have not arrived so next weekend at his families, i will have more from him. My absolute favorite thing is the green chennile wrap i recieved from him..i think EVERYONE should have one. Its so luxurious and warm. Vaughnie just loved snuggling up to it. I have a feeling i will never take it off. (and may just order ten more in every color:)

Rudy got vaughnie this adorable multi colored stuffed unicorn and its so sweet. Its nice to see him think of her and think of things he would like her to have,

I am really excited about tomorrow- seeing family- enjoying food. But even more so, i am very excited about Christmas. I just love all of the family traditions. I think it would be neat to see a book of everyone I know and thier family holiday traditions. I think its such a wonderful thing and sucha personal thing for each family.

Anyways, Im babbling.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!!!

two sighs of relief...

#1. Last night wasnt nearly as bad as i had anticipated. Vaughnie slept alot in the early evening and with tylonol was in a suprisingly great mood. She was smiling and laughing like the little angel i know her to be. At night however, she was up and about pretty much all night. She mostly just cat napped- thirty minutes here, an hour there, but really- didnt sleep for any stretch of time. she wasnt even hungry. Sometimes she just needed rocked, sometimes she would wake up and just be talking to herself and laughing and "playing" with her hands. Even though i know she's okay when she's awake and not hungry- i still cant sleep. But, she's been asleep all morning now. I think the little stinker has her days and nights mixed up. We will have to work on this...:)

#2 I am OFFICIALLY DONE SHOPPING. I bet you never thought you'd hear me say that was a relief huh? But this year, its just a lot more difficult to get her out in the cold and in and out of stores etc. It was fun while it lasted, but i (as well as my check book) am glad to be done shopping:)

So tonight its off to LaJames to get pampered by maria:)

2 month checkup...

Today was a rough day in our household. Vaughnie had her 2 month checkup...this means, shots. I think it was harder for me than her- i couldnt sleep last night thinking about it. I just cant believe she has now felt pain for the first time. If oucld have had her go without them, i would have. In fact, i thought about canceling the apt just to postpone the pain for her... but i know she needs them and they will help keep her healthy. That not to say i didnt cry when she got them- because i did. Maybe harder than her even. She did good- she cried but calmed down shortly afterwards. She has been asleep ever since she got them but they said to expect that. Poor sweet girl- never did anything to that mean nurse and then she got stabbed three times!

On a lighter note- I had my interview today for WPNT. it went well- i got offered the job and have to let them know in a few days if i want it. It sounds good, and it will be nice to have an income- but its just hard adjusting the thought of going back to work. Im going to miss my baby!!!

Tomorrow we are going in for a spa day to help out matt's girlfriend maria with some credits she needs to graduate from la james. I m not sure yet what all we are getting done but it should be a good time.

Holiday Crazies.

I really believe that holidays bring out the best AND worst in people. When we are home by the fire, the best...when we are out in the insane crowds shopping and getting hit in the ankles with carts and being cut off by crazy moms in mini vans- the absolute worst. I use to get some sort of sick thrill of being in the middle of the mall with fifty thousand other crazy shoppers all searching for the same thing. It used to be an adrenaline rush. Now i think people who enjoy are slightly ill. :)
I took vaughn out shopping today (on her two month birthday by the way) forgetting what it was like. See, im one of those women who are usually nearly done by Thanksgiving...and now i remember why. Sweet vaughnie did AMAZING....she didnt wake up one time. I dont know how she could sleep through all the noise and music and lights...but she did. I am blessed for that because i think a screaming baby may have put me over the edge. After driving around the mall parking lot for 30 minutes, i not only realized how crazy i was, but that i really hated this part of the holidays.
I met rudy in town to go to target and them met up with my brother, maria and kendal and her friend. We went to dinner and all had a good time hanging out.
All in all it was an EXHAUSTING day and I am realizing that NOTHING in that mall is worth dealing with that mess ever again. I will do online ordering or stick to target. Ba Humbug.

Is it meant to be??

Today has been both really good and really difficult. I have been praying alot about the whole going back to work thing. I really really cant imagine leaving my angel...not for two hours let alone all day. Everytime i think of it, i get sick to my stomach. She is just so little and well, she's my angel. I just cant imagine missing her first step or her first crawl or her first word- I want to be there for everything and i dont want her to ever feel like i abandoned her or left her or chose work over her or anything. It makes me so incredibly sad when i think about it. Truthfully, i wish I didnt have to go back, that i could stay home with her and I could teach her things and snuggle her and be the only person she goest o when she's sad or upset. I want to always be the one to comfort her. I want her to know that she is such a blessing to me and that she is the most important thing to me. Someone said the other day- "its money or time with your baby and there comes a point where you have to decide what is most important." I cant stop thinking about that. OF COURSE, she is the most important thing. And if i felt we could survive without me going back to work, i would stay home in a heartbeat. I know she didnt mean to make me feel bad, but it really did. I just know that the only way we can survive and the only responsible thing for me to do at this point is to go back to work, pay off some debt, get a savings built up and eventually (God willing) I can stay home with her. I always thought i wuold want to be a working mom. I thought i would be bored staying at home...but now that i have her, i cant imagine going back. I only have two weeks left with her before i will have to do somehting.

Last night, while shopping with my oh-so- in- labor sister, she got a phone call from Phillippe and he told her that one of his cliets was looking for an admin assistant. and asked if he knew anyone that would be a good fit. He mentioned my name and her and i spoke today. It sounds like the job is mine if i want it. The p ay is more than double anything i have ever made before and the job seems perfect, flexible, potential to make alot of money, a great atmosphere....the only thing is that it now feels very real that i will have to leave her. before i htink i was pretending that I could just stay at home. I didnt have a job lined up so i could pretend i wasnt ever going to have one.
I am lucky that rudy doesnt go to work til noon and i can get off at 3:30 so she will be with her parents most of the day- but she will still be away from me , her momma for 8 hours- i cant make my heart be okay with that.
We have a really amazing family friend whom i have talked to about taking her part time. She said this would work out and i feel trully blessed to have her be the one to watch vaughnie. the only next best thing to being a stay at home mom is having someone that you know loves your child and has their best interest at heart to watch them. I think if i had to take her to a center- i would just fade away. I know that millions of moms go to work every day...i just think it must be the hardest thing a mom ever has to do. You are all blessed who are in financially secure situations and can stay home with your babies. Thanks barb for taking away some of the stress of leaving my girly. I know she will be in good hands.

Anyways, all ngiht i have been a bawling mess. Rudy keeps assuring me that she wont feel abandoned or unloved and that i will have a harder time than her. I know this is true- i just cant get over it. Pray that my heart feels at ease about going back to work and i have a sense of peace about it.

Whats so funny?

Lately, vaughn elise has been making the cutest, funniest noises. She is learning to "mock" the pitch of your voice. Granted, she has to be in the mood- but if we talk in different pitches she will do the same. Its hillarious and she gets so excited that her hands start flailing and her feet are a kickin. Its adorable. She's so much fun.

She was perfect yesterday on the way to iowa city and even when we were at the doctors and then shopping. She just took it all in. We got to stop at the new carters outlet store in Williamsburg which was the highlight of the trip for me. I just love Carters stuff. If your ever over there , its a great store wtih AMAZING deals. Most things were under ten dollars.

I cant believe Christmas is only 12 days away. It really doesnt feel like it to me for some reason. Its starting to- but normally at this time, i can hardly sleep at night. I am excited, but oddly overwhelmed by it. Maybe because i havent started shopping. I think trying to incorporate both sides (rudy's and mine) is a bit of a stress. I want to be able to be here the weekend before christmas and do holiday baking and go to church etc but instead we are going to the quad cities. Its a long way in the cold. We also foudn out that rudy gets off of work at 2 pm on Christmas eve. This is not enough time for him to come with me to the Kinney side of the family and that makes it hard. I want him to see all of her first christmas's with all the families.

This weekend we are all going to be at my parents. The whole gang. Matt and Maria are comign back to watch the Christmas play and then we are doing a dinner and then (hopefully) decorating Christmas cookies. I am going to try to make them up fri/sat so they will be good to go on sunday. I cant wait:)

Oh Boy!!!

I must have taken too long to get her in the bathtub after stripping her down. I was talking to rudy and all of a sudden as he started laughing hysterically, i felt a VERY warm sensation on my shirt...it was hillarious. And she just smiled.

We both needed a bath after that!

Baby, it's cold outside...

and inside too....brrr. I woke up this morning and looked outside and much to my surprise, I couldnt see anything but white! I knew it was supposed to storm, but my word!! Rudy stayed home again today- still not feeling up to par and not willing to risk the tretcherous road in his tiny little car. I dont blame him. I think he enjoys being home more than he is willing to admit and said today..."this was a really nice long weekend. Im glad we all got to hang out." If you know rudy, he rarely says things like that. Little vaughn is off and on. Still not feeling great but seems to be okay as long as she's being snuggled. Although, sometimes that doesnt even do it.
I have a doctors apt in Iowa City tomorrow. My parents are going along to do some Christmas shopping- and i didnt want to take vaughnie out in this by myself. I think i will have them check her ears and throat to make sure she's okay.

We finally got the insurance money to come through so i will actually be able to start Christmas shopping- which im excited for. Ill have to do it fast though as its fast approaching.

I am so excited for the church christmas play on sunday. It always makes me feel really "holidayish." I just love it.

It's been so chilly looking outside that its been wonderful to be able to stay inside and snuggle up with a warm blanket and be able to appreciate that i have a warm place to be. Rudy stayed home sick today (I dont think he's ever done this before in his life.) I think he has a touch of the flu. Vaughn also doesnt feel her best. My mom thinks its her ears, i think its either that or her throat. She is just struggling to sleep and cant seem to get satisfied. She is taking her first "nap" of the day, now at 10 at night. Poor girl. One thing is good though, we got her pooping under control. She is now a regular pooper!! We are so proud of her for that:) Its such a blessing not to have her be in so much pain anymore. IT really was breaking my heart.
She has her big 2 month check up on the 17th and i am terrified...she has to get shots and i know im going to want to kill the person who does it!
WE have spent all day snuggling and i have just loved every minute of it. My sweet mom brought over a bunch of groceries tonight. What a blessing. I really do appreciate these sweet things that my parents do. They are always putting others first. I hope i can show that in my own life.

There is supposed to be another crazy storm tonight. WHile i love this and it really makes the holidays when its all white and gorgeous outside, I also dread it some as i know i cant be getting out and about. I alwyas worry we will run out of something (like formula) and not be able to go get it. Luckily we dont live out in the boonies and can usually escape the house if needed. Be safe all!

Sweet tooth

Last night was the Holiday Cookie Exchange for the church. It was hosted at my moms house and we had a lot of fun! Not only was there an amazing array of wonderful, rich, holiday cookies but also a wonderful warm fire and lot of great conversation. I love get togethers and this time of year they always seem so much better. Anyone who knows me knows how much i get into the "gift giving" part of the season. I know and enjoy very much the true reason for the holiday but it has alwyas, since I can remember been something i throughly enjoy- shopping and wraping and giving something to someone that they really love. This year, with money being pretty much non existant, i have found myself, more than ever, enjoying the priceless moments, like getting together w ith friends, baking, chrismtas songs, decorating and just enjoying a good evening inside from the cold. I have always loved these things and cherished them, but I need to make them more traditions than we have in the past.

I alwyas love being at my parents this time of year as well. Ever since i went away to college i realized how there is no place like home this time of year. The house has so many great holiday memories and the tree always looks gorgeous and the fire is so cozy. Its irreplaceable. We always spend so much time baking and giving away goodies and i really miss being there for all of that.

Today, we are going to meet up with Rudy's neice who is in town coaching a debate team. I dont want to get vaughn-elise out in the cold but they have yet to meet and we need to run a few errands in town anyways.

Next week is a busy one and we will be making a trip to Iowa City for a doctors apt. This weekend though, i will enjoy the plan free time and just stay warm and cozy. Be safe!

let it snow.

After reading my sisters blog, I opened the blinds and i couldnt believe my eyes, i just got home a few hours ago and already the cars are covered with snow, the gorgeous, fluffy, want to eat it kind of snow!! I just love this winter wonderland. Its never as great the next day when its been driven on and is all brown and sloshy, but today, i get to love this!! We live on the ground level, (half undergrown really) so the snow is blowing up against the windows and its fun for me to pretend we're snowed in. I have always wanted to be really snowed in, not just school canceled, but the kind of snow my parents got, where you had to walk on fence posts and couldnt open the front door kind of snowed in:)

I am baking cookies today for the cookie exchange tomorrow. The house is full of the smells of baking and cinnamon candles. The christmas tree is lit and my angel is sleeping. I am perfectly content. i love this time of year!!! I am so excited to be able to enjoy it with vaughn in a few years when she can help me bake holiday goodies and we can go sledding and caroling. I am so excited for that!

Christmas Party

Last night, i went with Rudy to his ING Christmas pary. It was at "In Play" the arcade downtown. The place was huge and the people all had fun but what a weird place for a Christmas party. I was the most dressed up person there- by far. and i was wearing jeans!
It was fun though, but hard to leave my sweet girl for that long. Good thing i have parents who are willing to watch her so I can worry that much less. Everyone at the party was asking about her so it was nice to know that Rudy talks about her when he's not with us.
The people he works with were really nice and it was good to be able to put faces with the people he talks about. i personally didnt play many games, just sat around with one of rudy's friends wife and watched people climb the rock wall. I still had a good time though.

Vaughn is really impressing me lately with all of her cooing and smiling. I am anxious for her first laugh. I do wish we would have won the video camera that they gave away last night as i would love to be able to tape those moments. I will just have to save up to get one as i am sure it will be more than worth it. I still cant believe Christmas is only 20 days away. Those days will go fast as i have a doctors apt in IC next week and vaughn-e has hers the next week and im hoping to do baking and i still havent bought ONE gift yet. For those of you who know me, this is sad as i am usualy well on my way to being done by thanksgiving. I guess when your broke, your alot less anxious to go shopping.

The drama with my insurance money is finally ( I hope) coming to an end and that will also help some with chrismtas (as well as catching up on bills!). Its been a headache to say the least but i think i finally got people moving with it.Many lessons learned!

I hear its supposed to snow storm today. I am excited. It still doesnt feel like the holidays to me without it. I could never live in warm weather areas or id never get in the mood!
I am just hoping we are all home safe before it hits. Be safe and enjoy the blustery day!

Late Night...

Rudy started his new hours today- which is already making for a long day. i cant imagine what it will be like the longer it goes on. He is now working til 9 pm. I hate it.
I went to the doctor today for my 6 week checkup. (its actually 7 weeks today, but who's counting right) After my apt i went to my sisters to hang out for a while. Its always nice just to get in some sisterly girl time. She's the best sister and friend i could ever ask for and i always feel better when i leave there. She was even awesome enough to let me stay for dinner- which was super good by the way! She is a really good cook. She claims she cant bake- so i take care of the baking and since i cant really cook, she takes care of that. WE balance each other out i guess:)

I cant believe how icy our parking lot is. It was a challenge walking with a diaper bag in one hand and a car seat in the other. All ic ould think about was "what if i fall? I wont be able to catch myself and iwill drop heron the ice." It is no longer just a get up and go and look out for yourself on the ice sort of a thing. I think we will stay in alot these next couple weeks.

I have put in for a job at a place other than where i was working- i just need a change and someplace with more family based hours. I havent heard back but am hopign something works out even if its not there. I still would love to work from home and am hoping and confident that someday i will be able to, but for now, i need to except that at this juncture in my life, i just cant and i need to be happy for whatever job and income i have and wait for the time when i can do those things like stay at home and work. I just still cant imagine leaving my angel!!!

Little Andre is coming in just a few short weeks. I cant believe it!!! I am SUPER excited. THe time has flown so fast but i cant wait for holidays when its the two girls and the little man. It will be such a fun time! The family sure is growing and i always thought i would find this uncomfortable and sad that its not just "the core" anymore, but its so amazing and wonderful! What a blessing these babes are!!! Hurry Andre- we love you to pieces already and cant wait to see you and hug you and give you all our love!!

Baby, its cold outside!

I had the best nights sleep last night!! I told Rudy that i deserved a full nights rest and i got it! He took care of vaughn when she woke up her first time at 2 and then the sweet angel slept until 7:30! We were then up for good. Rudy had to go out in the bitter cold to get his car from the carshop and while he was gone he went grocery shopping and brought home breakfast. I cooked and he played with vaughn. It was alot of fun. This afternoon we put up the tree. For some reason none of the lights i have were working so i had to rearrange some other decor to put lights on the tree...it still looks sparse but hopefuly i can add more later. Its great to have a tree. Someday i hope to get a big fancy one but for now, this will work. Everyone else in the house is sleeping and I am just sitting by the tree, listening to Christmas toons, watching the snow fall and t hinking (yes, just thinking) about cleaning. But first i shall take a cinnimon buns bubble bath and relax. Its a good day for it!

Let it snow...let it snow...let it snow....

"Sleeping Santa Baby..."

This has been an exhausting week both mentally, emotionally, physically- just draining all around. It is really gettting to me that i dont have the resources to make this first Christmas for vaughn-elise something magical and amazing. I know she wont remember til she's older, but I will. I know I should be thankful that she is here and that i have a warm place to be and clothes on my back- but sometimes that hard. Dont get me wrong- I am MORE than thankful for those things...especially for her and she's the best gift ive ever even imagined- I am just stressed thats all.

It was "papa's" (aka: dad) birthday today and we all went over there. I lvoe being home this time of year- its so comfy and makes me feel "at home". It was a good time had by all to just hang out and do birthday cake and eat warm delicious soup. Happy birthday dad.

This weekend is supposed to be a weather disaster and im sort of excited about it. I think if it looks like winter i might feel more jolly- at least i hope.

i am getting excited to see my little NEPHEW!!! Its weird to think there will be a boy around but i am sooo excited. I can just imagine how tiny and adorable and snuggly he will be and i think about him all the time. I wonder what his personality will be like and what he will sound like and look like. He and vaughn-elise will be just three months apart and it will be so fun to have them in the same class. While i dont want to see the babies (especially my own) get older, i just want them to stay tiny forever- I am excited to see what it iwll be like on the holidays. I can imagine the girls as teenagers and dre too and getting together for cookie decorating for the holidays and going sleding etc. Its all just very exciting. But for now, i love every second with my tiny one and even when we're up til 6:30 am and i am exhausted- I cant imagine it any other way and i feel trully blessed and full of joy and love every time i see her tiny little face. She is my everything- my love.

*The picture above was taken during a mini photo shoot in her santa pjs. She got so comfy, she fell asleep. So stinking cute!

Lia Sophia

If anyone is looking for good Christmas presents for people they know, daughters, mothers, friends, sisters, anyone- please let me know. I sell Lia Sophia jewelry and there are great specials for November/December. My mom should have a book for you to look at or I can get one to you as well. Plus, you dont have to worry about what size, what fragrance, what color- jewelry is a great great gift!

Also, its great for yourself- with holiday parties coming up and this is the time of year that you will be seeing so many people you know and love around the holidays- why not show off a new piece or two?

Poop Update!!

She Pooped!!!! HOORAY! Twice actually. This is a very exciting thing in our house!! And the most exciting this is, i didnt even know when she was doing it- no crying, no screaming or shaking or turning bring red. WOW. HOWEVER , all day yesterday she was back to crying and fussing everytime after she ate the regular enfamil formula. It must still be bothering her stomach. So, we'll try it for a while longer and then will try a different brand maybe of regular formula. I tell you- this hunt for the best formula for her is exhausting!!! Even Rudy came home and heard "that cry" and said "oh no, not again- you switched her back didnt you?"
SIGH- we will find something that works right. BUT she pooped and that was the main thing. It cracks me up to watch her drink her juice- she just LOVES IT. I am sure it tastes incredibly sweet to her and when she is all done and i pull the bottle away- she pouts this really big lippy pout and gets these big puppy eyes like she really wants me to give her more. Its sweet. We had another 6 hour stretch last night that she slept without eating- from 8-2:30! After that it was up every two hours but she the problem is she falls asleep after like an ounce or two so she then gets hungry sooner, i try to keep her up long enough to eat but its a lost cause most of the time. She's her parents daughter- she loves to sleep these days.

We took vaughn-elise to the doctor today to ask about her "poop issues". So, we are trying a few new things. More juice, different formula and if all that fails, she will have to take medicine in her bottle. We are hoping she will see great changes with the small changes in her juice and formula type. It breaks my heart to see her in such pain. The doctors said she may have a slightly immature digestive track. All i know is that i hope it clears up soon.

She has been sleeping, well, like a baby. Finally. Last night she slept for 5 hours straight and only got up once in the night and woke up at 7:45 for the day. WOW!! She also slept all day yesterday and pretty much all day today. I think turkey day wore her out and she must be catching up now!

Only 1 month til the holidays! Its really an exciting time of year and i cant wait. Weather forcast is calling for a strong cold front and while that screams holidays for me, it also screams misery for having to get a baby out in that. We will be staying home most times i am sure!

Hoping to put the Christmas tree up soon and get the house all "holiday-ed up." I just love sitting in a dark room with the glow of a christmas tree and lights around the window and a good cinnimon candle burning! Its my favorite. Christmas movies are on tv now and i am loving every minute of it.

Heading home....

We had a wonderful thanksgiving on thursday and the Illinios people just left us today. Its really quite now after three days of company and i always hate that feeling whne everyone leaves. Its sort of like..."now what?" I have been staying at my parents since wednesday, enjoying the family, but today i am heading back to the apartment to get some much needed cleaning done before rudy comes back from the quad cities tomorrow. I am hoping to get the christmas tree up this week but still need to go through some of my things at my parents and get all my holiday decorations out.
I cant believe Christmas is only a month away. It doesnt feel like it at all! I hate being broke this time of year as i always like to really do up the holidays and make them really special. It is my goal this year to still do that on a very very tight budget.

I am still contemplating my whole job situation. I cant stand the thought of going back to work and REALLY wish i could magically come across some wonderful work from home job. Typing, data entry, medical transcription, anything really, I just cant imagine being away from my baby girl everyday. If you know of anything, do send it my way. I have been avoiding telling LA if i am coming back as i need them for back up but REALLY dont want to go back. Ho Hum, its hard to be in a holiday mood when something so stressful is always on your mind.

But still the countdown is on...exactly one month til Christmas and one more month of crazy insane shoppers and crabby cashiers. Joy!

ITS SNOWING!

You got your wish amanda!! Its snowing!!! I cant believe it. Its exciting though- the first snow fall is always so pretty and its vaughn-elise's first snowfall. How exciting!!! I am hoping to get to town today and run a few errands and then will head over to my parents to help with getting thanksgiving feast prepared. I am excited to see everyone and it will be a good day i am sure! Rudy is going out of town this weekend (if there is no ice storm) so i will be able to spend alot of time with our family from Illinios. I am excited for this! I love when we all get to hang out.

Vaughn is still suffering from her cold and last night we spent the entire night bundled up in the recliner. She did perfect and slept all night long-after 4 or 5 hours i would feed her but she n ever did wake up until around 8 this morning. PERFECT angel.

My xrays came back and they all looked good! This is SUCH a relief. I really have been incredibly concerned and its so good to hear that the bones look fine!!!

Its monday- and mondays are always, for me, a day of "needs". I make to do lists for the week, phone calls i need to make, things i need to get done, and the need list this week for some reason seems extra long. I am leaving in about an hour to go downtown and get some xrays of the bones that hurt in attempt to figure out whats wrong. My sister is coming to the apt to stay with baby vaughnie and i have only left her once, but it is HARD to do. I know she is in good hands but by the time I get home, i am anxious to see her and snuggle her. She has been asleep most of the day- Im jealous! But its allowed me to get some minor picking up done. i am going to my moms tues and wed to help get the house back together and ready for company. Im getting excited to see everyone. Still, Im hoping both vaughn and i feel better by thursday so we can enjoy ourselves!

This weekend has been long and exhausting. We went to the quad cities to see rudy's family. We stayed at his sisters place since it was more accomadating than his moms. Peruvian people are party people so we didnt even go to bed til after 2 am!!!! I am normally out by 10. Luckily, baby vaughn slept in my arms fro 10-2. She slept very well and only got up twice. It was good that they all got to see her and rudy got to see his family- its always a long trip- and longer with a baby. We are glad to be home. I am getting so excited for thanksgiving and hope to be feeling better by then so i can really enjoy it. My goals this week are long and I have much cleaning to do. baby vaughn is now 5 weeks old!!! SHe's growing so much and really starting to make alot of noises and its so fun to watch the new things she does every day.

Its supposed to be yucky this week, raining and snowing. Im excited for the first snow fall but wish we were in a cabin on the mountains so we could be snowed in with just hot chocolate, board games and family (and food.)

One Month Old!!!

I cant believe it!! My baby girl is officially one month old!! Man, that month went FAST!!! She is changing so much everyday and really becoming quite aware. She had her first REAL smile yesterday- no gas smile. It was adorable and she's been smiling all day today. i just love it. She is so attentive to things and just the past few days has really showed that she is holding her gaze on certain things. She's just the sweetest most well behaved baby ever! She is sleeping wonderfully and i am finally adjusting to getting up several times at night.

My birthday was yesterday and it was a really good day. I didnt do anything big but it was so great just to spend the day with my baby girl, snuggling and singing and having her around made my day so much more special and meaningful than ever. I got some great gifts and my parents brought dinner over which was delicious and great not to have to think about making dinner or getting out in the cold to go out to eat.

i am meeting a friend for a birthday lunch today and tomorrow going to my parents to help put the house back together and we will do a dinner at their house as well. Its more of a birthday week really. But today we will celebrate baby vaughns one month. What a big girl!!

I'm getting OLD!

I cant believe that i am 24 year old today! thats like halfway to middle age!!! I cant believe it! I got the best nights sleep and a four hour nap this morning which was the best birthday gift baby vaughn could have ever gotten me! She's been so sweet and snuggly today- she must know its her mama's birthday!

We dont have many plans today- just hanging out around the house. Im hoping to get some cleaning done but we'll see. The drive to ames last night went very well. My angel slept the whole way there and the whole way back. Stupid me went off and forgot her formula on my mom's counter so when i got up there, i had to send sweet sweet molly out to target to get another thing of it. She's the best! Other than that big oops on my part- the night went well.

Thanksgiving is getting so close and then christmas will be here before you know it!!! YIPPEE. Im so excited this year- even though vaughn wont know whats going on- it will be fun and exciting for us!

But, since she's sleeping now, im going to try to get some things done around the house.

first road trip...

Today is a big day for us! It is vaughn-elise's first mini-road trip. I am a lia sophia consultant and we are going to ames to do a jewelry show for some friends. Its only about 45 min to an hour away, but the longest she's been in the car is like 20 min, so it will be interesting. I am trying to time her eating so she isnt hungry in the car, but with her cold, her eating is so sparatic and she is eating less amounts more often- so we may be making a pit stop on the way. Hopefully she'll sleep the whole way there. I am concerned to be taking her out with her cold but i think she will be okay. I havent done a lia sophia show in months so it will be good to get back in the swing of it. If anyone needs some fun Christmas shopping ideas, my mom is having a book party also, so let her know:) ( had to give a plug in there:))

i am tired today and have alot of things to get done before i leave this afternoon- so i should get a move on.

cuddly day

Today was a stay in your pjs and snuggle all day sort of day. It was great. Even though vaughnie was not feeling up to par, she was perfect little angel and just was even more snuggly than usual. It was great. We just slept snuggled up on the couch off and on all morning and even though i need to clean and make some phone calls, send some thank yous and rearrange the living room- i was c ontent doing nothing. The doctor said just to keep "sucking the snot out of her nose" and use a vaporizor and that should help. Her cough has calmed down some and she did great last night. She was up every two hours, but just ate and went back to bed... and when she was sleeping- it seemed to be a deeper sleep than normal-which was nice. WE just put her in the car seat to sleep so that she was at an incline and the drainage wouldnt choke or gag her. I hate that when im sick! My mom and i are headed over to my sisters for some girl time with oprah and then its just a chill night. No plans- just more snuggling. My kind of night!

Vaughn-elise is 4 weeks old today and that has been so hard, i ve been staring at her all day thinking of how fast its gone and that before i know it, we will be celebrating her 2nd birthday just like we did gabriela's and i just cant imagine that. I want her to stay tiny and snuggly and innocent forever!

Happy Birthday Gabs!

Today is sunday, also, gabriela's 2nd birthday. I just got home from her party and its always so fun to see her interacting with other kids. It makes me realize just how advanced she really is. Especially with her language. She looked so stinking cute too. I cant belive she is 2!! What a big girl. I cant believe how fast the time has gone and it makes me really cherish every second i have with baby vaughn elise. She will be 4 weeks old tomorrow and that breaks my heart. It trully does go so fast. I feel like i just had her and already a month has gone by. She has her first cold and its breaking my heart. I feel likesuch a bad mom....i shouldnt have let people hold her so soon. this is flu season and she is so tiny still. its just hard, do you sound rude and ask people not to touch her or do you let your baby get sick. It should be an obvious answer. i am the only voice she has and i didnt speak up...anyways- i just feel like a horrible mommy. the sweet thing she is, she is so good even when she feels like poop. Its just amazing how much i love her- ive never felt this way before and its amazing to me.... "love" doesnt seem suiting to how i feel for her- there must be a stronger word.

Is she not the most gorgeous thing you've ever seen?? She's so beautiful!

If you cant tell, she likes to sleep alot:)

This is a top view of vaughn in her new sling! We love it!

TGIF

Its friday and even though i dont work- thats a good thing. The weeks seem lonely alot and as i have mentioned, i get stir crazy in the apartment. im sure vaughn elise doesnt enjoy the same scenery alot either. Sometimes just getting out and going to gramma and papas or aunt mimis seems to relax and entertain her some. Baby vaughn had a great night last night and slept three hours at a time. I always, even with three hour stretches, feel like i have just fallen asleep when she is hungry again. But she is so good about eating and going right back to sleep. SHe's such an angel. Our dear friend Ann Cochran bought us the ultimate five way baby wrap and i tell you what! SUCH A BLESSING! Its a great tshirt material and so snuggly and comfy- unlike most of the stiff bulky wraps it really conforms and holds her and she is in love with it as much as i am. THis is the first time i have been able to go to the bathroom or update my blog or do the dishes without feeling guilty for setting her down or without doing everything one handed. I have a feeling this amazing wrap will get more than enough use:) THANKS ANN!!!

Again, thanksgiving is just around the corner, so is gabs birthday and my birthday and alot of my friends birthdays and my dads birthday- this is a big month, but its so exciting. I am trying to decide what to get gabs for her big 2nd birthday as well as recipe searching for something to bring for thanksgiving! I cant wait!!!

first time away!!!

Last night i stayed the night at my parents. I havent been feeling well and really needed a solid nights sleep to get to feeling better and get rid of the migraine. We all hung out and when it was time for bed, i went to bed and she went in the cradle next to grandma and grandpa's bed. They were able to get up with her in the middle of the night and while i woke up when i heard her crying- she was great and im sure she enjoyed spending cuddle time with grandma and grandpa and we all know i enjoyed a good nights sleep.

i had a doctors apt today to check up and make sure all was well. I didnt want to take baby vaughn since i knew it would be feeding time for her and just in case i needed xrays- i didnt know what i would do with her. SO, dear aunt mimi was gracious enough to watch my sweet angel for an hour while i ran to the doc.

We are home now and she is resting...i have phone calls to make and we are planning on staying in the rest of the night as it is getting bitter cold.

I agree with my sister in the excitement for the holidays. I cant believe thanksgiving is so close and it will be great to see both sides of the family. The butler side hasnt yet seen my sweet girl and im excited to show her off as well. Chrismtas will be a blast and im excited to get all decorated. I want to make holidays a big deal for vaughn-elise since they were a big deal for us growing up and some of my best and most vivid memories play around the holidays and the excitement that they brought us all. watching for rudolf on the way home from gma kinneys until we were like 16, listening for the ringing of bells that uncle brad and Uncle greg would ring while we searched the sky, driving in the dark looking for ET, the excitement of sneaking past the living room and not looking until everyone was awake...the traditional foods... i could go on and on. its just a great exciting time of year and i cant wait!!!

pain relief???

It is going to be a really long day! I have had a migraine headache for the past two days- its getting increasingly worse (im not sure if its due to lack of sleep, the snoozing of rudy's alarm clock or some other environmental reason...but its killing me.) Every bone in my body seems to be in intense pain- i dont know why, its been that way for a week now and not even codine is helping either issue. I dont know how im going to be able to handle taking care of baby vaughn if she's fussy today- my head feels like i am going to have an anurism or like someone is drilling into my left temple. I am o ut of migraine medicine and this sucks!!! BAD DAY!

Tuesday

I thought i would take a minute to update this while vaughn elise is taking a nap. I dont think she's feeling very well but had an excellent night last night. She is learning that she can suck on her fingers and i think it kind of weirds her out a little bit- it must feel funny to her, she will suck for a minute and make a weird face and then pull them out and look at me like "mom! whats that?". We had the most fun laying in bed this morning and she was making the funniest faces. She is so annimated. We have been staying inside all week and all weekend as its so cold outside and windy- but i am starting to go a little stir crazy. In a small apartment, there arent many places to go to get a change of scenery or any different activities to do. We might try to get to aunt mimi (amanda's) in the next few days for awhile so gabs and vaughn can mingle:) and amanda can get her aunt time in. Vaughn just loves them both. i love the cooler weather but wish it was a tad less bitter so it wouldnt be so hard to get her out. I know she could use some fresh air too. But for now, we'll stay in and snuggle and nap. I cant complain about that!!!

Happy 3 Week Birthday Baby Vaughn!!

tough monday!

Its only 12:00 and its already been a long day. We had good stretches of sleep last night as long as vaughn was in bed with me. She wasnt having the cradle last night. She must have just needed mama cuddle time:) Sometimes i think she is the princess and the pea. It seems like the smallest of things like a ruffle in the sheets or her sock on funny can make her so uncomfortable. But today, i cant seem to figure her out..she just doesnt seem happy no matter what i do. She acts tired but wont sleep, takes a bottle but i cant feed her constantly, i just wish i knew what could make her more comfortable. she loves being held and snuggled and while that makes cleaning, showering or going to the bathroom impossible- thats what we will do all day if it helps.

she is a big three week old today....its going so fast and making me sad!!!

my thug baby....

My Little Thug Baby!

The sweatsuit looked smaller on the hanger...:) Along with her wild hair- it was a photo must!

saturday = lazy day

After our sleepy day yesterday- I paid for it last night. We went to my parents to hang out with amanda, phillippe and gabi and vaughn elise missed the whole shabang. Matthew and Maria came over to watch a movie and about 10 oclock ms vaughnie thought it was a good idea to start her day. She slept off and on but was up for several hour stretches during the night. I try to love these times with her and make them special bonding and cuddling times but i have to admit, i am not someone who does well on lack of sleep. By the second long stretch of being awake with her i was stumbling down the hall like a drunken idiot, i was just so tired. Poor thing- i know she doesnt understand that "mama needs her sleep" or the whole difference between day and night but im not sure how to get her in a better routine. I know these days will pass and i am equally as sad about that as i am ready for a good nights sleep. So- i try to enjoy it while it lasts and try to take advantage of her daytime naps so i can get rest too. Its just harder than it seems it would be!

Zzzzz...

I havent been outside today, but inside its feeling like a very sleepy day! Little Vaughn cant seem to get woken up long enough to eat and all i want to do is nap with her. Unfortuantly, all i can do is look around at everything that needs done. (not that im doing any of it, but it bugs me enough that i cant sleep). I have errands i need to run but i decided it was a good "stay in your pjs and rest" sort of day. So thats exactly what we're doing.

HOORAY!!!

We had an AWESOME night last night. It was a little crazy at first. I had run to target to try to get some stuff to make rudy a birthday dinner and cake I always thought when i heard children screaming through a store- "oh poor parents, how embarassing.... but why cant they make them stop crying?" Well, I learned. Poor parents is right but last night i felt bad for her. She was ready to be out of her carseat so laid her down and changed her, gave her her bottle, we played etc but i think her stomach was just out of wack still. She spit up alot yesterday although overall was in much better shape than she has been. Frustrated and emotional and about to have a breakdown right smack in the middle of the cake isle at target, i called rudy at work and told him "forget it, i tried to do dinner, but forget it, we're going out to eat."
So, we left target, none to soon for her or I. I think she just needed some mommy time and a little more food and that cured her of the fussies. She slept through most of dinner but seemed ready to get home by the end...
Now for the amazing part- She fell asleep on the car ride home....as usual and so when we got home i decided just to leave her in it. I told rudy i was going to take advantage of her sleeping and go to bed early (we're talking 9 oclock here) and he agreed. He said he'd just "nap" and and then when she woke up he would bring her to the living room with him until she was ready for bed bed. Fair enough- only at 3 am I woke up frantic (but rested) that she hadnt woken up for a feeding yet. I know she loves her car seat but something had to be terribly wrong. So, i woke rudy up and asked him if we should wake her to feed her and change her (im terrified she'll get a diaper rash). He checked her over in her seat and said she's still breathing and seems happy- lets just leave her. Blissfully, i rolled over and went back to sleep. Little did i know that rudy was nervous enough that he stayed up til 5:30 keeping an eye on her and then insisted he wake her to feed her. " she has to be starving" So he fed her, changed her and played til 6:30 and then she at a little more at 9:30 and slept til 11:30!!!!!!!!!! Thats my girl!!!! Mama is feeling well rested today for the first day in months! Hallelujah! Is it the soy milk? or is God just on my side??Who knows but I LOVE IT!

Beggers night...

WE got little vaughn all dressed up tonight in her halloween outfit for beggers ngiht and took her to my parents house. Gabriela was there as well all dressed up in her oh so adorable witch out fit. She was absolutely the cutest thing ever! Vaughn-elise slept through it all. LAst night wore her out and she slept all afternoon. Hopefully it doesnt ruin her night tonight! Daddy's birthday is tomorrow as well so we will probably dress up a second time!

The doctor said she had gained a pound and is now 10 lbs 6 oz. Thats my big growing girl! She's also grown an inch and a half length wise! What a good grower she is! They did switch her to soy milk and tonight is her first feeding of it. WE will see how this works on her tummy. Hopefully it helps her out some! Poor thing, it breaks my heart that she has a belly ache this little!!!

Happy Halloween Everyone!

2 week apt.

I j ust got vaughn elise down for a little nap before we go to her big two week apt. We're hoping she is above her birth weight- thats the big goal for the day. She had an incredibly rough night last night and between her crying and rudy's snoring- i think i maybe got in 45 min of sleep if i was lucky. She is having tummy problems and cant seem to sleep through the pain so she doesnt eat but i know she's hungry and when she does eat it causes such bad gas pains that i hate to feed her. (I do feed her though of course) Hopefully the doctor can give me some advice today. Poor thing. It breaks my heart when she cries and now that she has tears its even that much sadder. Its a long morning and hopefully the rest of the day will go better. I m meeting kendal a little later- we may grab a bite or just ocme back here depending on my angel's feeling.

I agree with amanda that today seems to be a heavy laden day and we are hoping for a fun night and a good halloween tomorrow.

baby vaughn elise

Its been so long since i have updated so i will start slow. i cant recap everything thats happened these past days but my baby girl is finally here and we are celebrating all the daily joys she brings to our lives. My mom took last week off of work and it was really nice to have some extra help. I spent most days at their house. It was great to be able to nap and know that vaughn was being taken care of.
She really is growing up so fast. She lost her little belly b utton on saturday and it broke my heart! To me, i guess it represented her newness. Not that she's old. Its just- that was what really connected me to her, and reminded me that for those nine months we were a team- she required that for me to nourish her. Rudy commented last night that she no longer looks like a newborn but now like an infant. It was so sad! I have been a little baby bluesie and cry at EVERYTHING. This is easing up some but its still unpredictable when the tears will fall. She is just so beautiful and perfect and such an amazingly sweet natured baby! She loves to rub your face when you hold her and snuggles all the time! She gives me a sense of peace when i look at her and i am scared i will someday forget every little noise and facial expression, every touch of her tiny little fingers, the way she changes. I want these things in my memory, in perfect memory, forever. SHe is changing so fast. Her cry is strengthening her grasp is tighter and her face is filling out so much. We trully love her to pieces.

Rudy's birthday is on halloween. I dont think we will be doing anything and i feel badly for that, but maybe we will celebrate both of our birthdays together since they are just a two weeks apart.

I am so excited to see my sweet neice on halloween. Aparently the secret costume is quite adorable! This will be the first year she will really get into dressing up and it should be great! I love this weather and am enjoying the fall tremendously. I cant be out in it much with her, but its nice when we do get out, even if we're just walking to the car. Christmas is just two months away and i havent started my christmas music yet....whats wrong with me? :) Its normally playing by september:) (Im a nerd like that)

Anyone else watching charlie brown's great pumpkin on tuesday at 7???? I cant wait!

EEEEKKKKK!!!!

Well, I cant believe it but you all were very very right. This last week has flown by and I will be having a little girl tomorrow!!! YIKES! Sounds soo weird! Rudy and I were both a little sad this morning that it would be the last morning of sleeping in and the last real morning of just the two of us (since tomorrow will be crazy nuts getting everything in the car and out the door.) I still dont know that it has hit me completely!! Maybe because everytime ive gone in expecting to have her, i have had to go home without a baby. The hospital called to confirm everything and i was half expecting them to say ....sorry, you have to wait another week.

We had a fall get together last night at my parents and even though the rain put a damper on the bonfire, it was so much fun and a nice thing for me since i wont be at the color drive- I at least got to roast a hot dog and marshmallows over the fire :) And it was quite the night for rudy since he had never roasted anything on a stick before. Next weekend we are going to carve pumpkins since it got late too fast last night and we ran out of time. He has never done this before either- so another adventure in towe for him then. :) It was good to see everyone and have a fun night . My sister and I got our last pictures of our pregnant bellies together and i got to enjoy mom's delish chili and cornbread:) What a night!

I have to say, i am getting a little sad about not being pregnant anymore. Never having known that i could even have kids- its been such a blessing to feel her move inside of me. Even though i am off balance and "clumsier than ever" It will be weird to not have her inside of me and to know that i am no longer pregnant. What a weird thing- to go in being pregnant and a few hours later- your not...its all very strange to me! I will enjoy being able to get up and down from the couch by myself and in and out of bed. etc. It will be nice to drive wtihout having my stomach get stearing wheel burns and be able to manuver without crutches or a wheelchair when we go out. AND the best part will be having our little Vaughn-elise with us! Bring it on 2 am feedings. Im ready!

Friday 10-11-07

This week has gone by faster than i had anticipated. Ive spent my time watching hocus pocus with my sister (a winner, if you ask me.) hanging out with kendal and enjoying the weather. I got some cookbooks from the library (not that i feel like cooking but looking for a little fall cooking inspirations) and spending time with rudy. Nothing too exciting, but the time has gone quite quickly. Ran lots of errands this morning and am not sitting at the library. I have a doctors appt. at 2:45 today to meet the guy doing my surgery. Unfortunatly it wont be the same doctor who has been "my doctor" since day 1... but they say this dude is good too. :) I hope so!

I am definetly having contractions today and man do they hurt!! They started out not so bad this morning and now they nearly take my breath away. Ill keep an eye on the clock and see...maybe baby vaughn wants to come today instead! wouldnt that be great....

Getting my hair done tomorrow morning (thanks mom! ) and will hope to get some good family time in at mom and dads tomorrow night...Other than that, im just enjoying the weather and working on chipping away at the "last minute tasks" that seem never ending. I guess everything is a last minute task if you wait long enough ... huh?

Two more days!!! YIPPEE!!!

another wait....

I think God is teaching me a lesson...or trying. Patience, apparently is something i lack. I think being such a dedicated planner, list maker, task doer-I get to thinking that my "plan" is written in stone only because it is written in the 3 planners that i carry with me.

We had another amnio test on tuesday and my little angel child is still not ready. I cant believe it! I was supposed to have her over a week ago. Her lungs- while slowly improving are still not even to the "borderline" point of being ready. Her poor doctors are as anxious as we are! It sometimes feels like i am going to be pregnant for the rest of my life. I enjoy it- dont get me wrong. But lately the pain has been unbareable and that is causing me to have a sour attitude. She is going to have her dad's personality i think...."if you tell me to hurry up, ill take even more time just to make you mad." Stubborn they are!!!

I, obviously wont be attending the color drive this year and selfishly- I am having a REALLY hard time with that. Its weird how much a break in tradition can get you down!! I think she would enjoy going and mom should just pick me up at the hospital and we'll head strait to Illinios. No one else thinks this is very smart:)

On the lighter side. Rudy and I got "baptised" (as mom called it) by Kool Aid at 5 o'clock this morning!! He has this thing about having to take a drink to bed with him. It reminds me of a 4 year old- but regardless its a habbit. So, last night he brought the worlds largest glass of Kool Aid.... bright red Kool Aid to bed and sat it on this ledge below our window so it would be close to reach. We also decided- it was such a gorgeous night- we'd sleep with the windows open and just keep the shades pulled to block out some of hte wind. Well it was windy alright! And apparently at 5 this morning the wind was so strong that it caught the bottom of the glass of Kool Aid and sent it flying into the air, right down on top of us both and our white down comforter. We both shot straight up and while rudy was laughing hysterically i was screaming about what an idiot he is. So, after the sheets were changed and a new comforter put on- We just laid in bed, laughing for about an hour. It must have been one of those "so tired its funny" things becuase we couldnt stop... when really, i was quite annoyed. What a great way to start the day... Covered in Kool Aid. NOT!

Sorry for not updating as much as i normally do on here- my computer is ill with a virus and the trusty phillippe is working on it. so, until i get to a library or my parents house, i have no way to keep in touch :(

Hopefully the week will go fast- im trying to stay busy as to not go insane. I am at the l ibrary now and will take home some cookbooks and maybe some magazines to entertain myself. Hoping to have a little fall get together and mom and dads on saturday for some "color drive pretending". Cant wait to meet my little girl on Monday!!! (and this is a DEFINETE date!!! HOORAY)

...another doctors visit.

I went to the doctors today in attempts to get some answers to this pain ive been having. The verdict? They seem to think- like most pregnant women- that my pelvic bone has tried to spread apart. Unfortunatly- with my hip not moving out like most womens, there is not much place for my pelvic bone to go either. With the baby trying to decend, it is causing the bones to rub against each other and his assumption is that it is probably quite inflamed. Nothing they can do. It was reassuring that it was nothing horrible though.

I have another amnio scheduled for tuesday am and then a possible csection for tuesday afternoon or wed morning (most likely wed.) To answer your questions- I really have no idea why they have to do an amnio the first part of the week but wouldnt the second part. Oh well, its a small sacrifice for what its bringing (or hopefully bringing.)

On a sad note, the movie theater lied and the previews and posters etc that they had advertising the special playing of poltergiest was all a sad lie. We went to get tickets and they said..."we're not playing that. they might be somewhere, but we're not." and thats all they would say. I even asked why they had posters everywhere saying they were playing it and they just blankly stared at me like i was crazy. Who knows. We were dissappointed though.

Oh oh, i also took my car (thanks to ann cochran) to the saturn dealership for their car seat installment workshop. It was kinda neat. You just pulled into the garage and they first showed you how to do it and gave you alot of safety tips (too many i thought) and installed your car seat. Then they took it out and made you install it and they inspected it and gave you pointers. It was neat and i think most people who have car seats should go get it checked. They are there the 1st thursday of every month from 5-7.

nothing else is new. A boring weekend a head- but hope to get some final things done that i didnt get done last week.

CHao.

I talked to the nurse today and she wants me to come in for a normal visit on monday. At that point, we will schedule the amnio for possibly tuesday and then the csection either tuesday afternoon or wednesday...Everything, again, will depend on her lungs. They said if i wait longer- like til t hursday or friday- there will probably not be a need for amnio- we could just go ahead with the csection. I dont know if i can last that long- the pain gets worse by the hour and im thinking of goign to the doctor tomrorow to see if i might have some kind of an infection or something. Its possibly due to my hip not moving out when her head is pushing down- but im tired of being up crying at night becasue i cant even scoot in bed or roll over or anything with out being in pretty intesnse pain...it doesnt feel normal or like pressure, its pain....anyone know what htis could be?? We'll see if I cant hold out til monday.

The cubs are in the play offs and its going to be a long week...tonight, tomorrow and saturday. I like a good baseball game as good as the next fan- but its far too intense to be around here while rudy is watching such important games. A theater here in town is playing a special showing of poltergeist (spelling???) tomorrow night, just for one night and i think, if im feeling up to it, kendal and i might try to go see that. I warned her i might have to take a donut or pillow to sit on- but ill try to go. I want this week to go as fast as possible and i suppose staying busy is the best way to make that happen.

Sigh- im tired and think ill go try to get comfortable... maybe ill try the recliner tonight.

just another wednesday....

After another sleepless night- i am up with the living. I think today will be spent laying around doing nothing much as everything seems to be very painful...My body isnt seeming to hold up quite as well as i had anticipated.
I have been playing phone tag with the ob's office all day yesterday and today trying to get scheduled for another weekly visit this week. I will keep you all updated as they are also trying to schedule another amnio and csection. At this point- they are trying to get me scheduled for a tuesday morning amnio and tuesday afternoon or wed am csection- im rooting for the tuedsay afternoon, but we'll see what the schedule holds.
I went to amanda's yesterday to see her little babies (all three of them:) and it was strange to hold a baby. I havent held one since gabriella was little and it was crazy. It felt nice but scary, i didnt think you could forget how to do those things but it all came back to me quickly.
I will write more later when i find details of all the schedules. I feel like this is the slowest moving week ever!!!

Dissapointment!

Well to say the least the news we recieved today from the doctors was very dissappointing. The amnio itself went well and was less painful than anticipated- although the after pain of the contractions etc seemed far worse than the actual procedure. During the ultrasound the doctors were saying that she is between 8.5-9.5 pounds and has no room left to manuver. In fact, they could hardly get enough amniotic fluid in one spot to get enough for the amnio. They were just sure she was ready- and so were we. We were giddy all morning and afternoon. During the amnio the doctor commented on how cloudy the fluid was and how good this was- meaning her lungs were letting out whatever it is they are supposed to. I went up to recover on the maternity floor and i think seeing where we would be made rudy really excited. He hasnt stopped smiling all day and has been really getting pumped. I waited and waited and what was supposed to take an hour to get results back took nearly 4. We went to the mall to look around, wanting to do something fun for a while before we were confined to a hospital all week. We really were just giddy and having so much fun together. I still hadnt heard when we were heading home so i called the doctor and they told me that her lungs were showing negetive maturity and they would let me know when they got the final results back. SO, my doctor called me an hour later and said how dissappointed she was and how she was so compltely shocked- She was convinced that she would be ready- after all- she is measuring over 40 weeks. She said her lung maturity was at 26 and was supposed to be 55 in order to deliver (dont ask w hat these numbers mean, i dont know.) Anywyas, i have been wallowing in seflf pitty all evening and cant imagine waiting another week to see her when ive been so excited. SO, i cried alot, took a nap, ate some dinner and then God- in his smooth ways- sent me down a little message. I turned on the tv to TLC and the first show was about a lady who had 6 babies (if she can carry six babies, i can suffer one more week with just one huge baby) and the next show was about conjoined twins who almost died and had to be cut apart. (again, i am feeling incredibly lucky to have a big baby in there who just needs a little longer to develope.) My parents also reminded me that we thought she was going to be a preemie less than 5 pounds- so a big baby, as long as she is healthy is okay by us.

So, the update is that we are going to try to get another amnio next tuesday to give her some time and then if she is ready- we will have her next wednesday. If not, I will have to wait until i am full term.
While i am dissappointed, it will be fine and my selfishness is minor compared to other things that could be wrong or happening. I will keep you all updated when we know an official date. i am sure she will be worth waiting for. Im just so anxious.

So rudy is going back to work tomorrow- dissappointed, and i am going to take it easy and get some more stuff done. Please continue to pray for her and for her developement and that by next week she'll be ready (or momma really will go nuts!)

Its not my time that matters....i just have to keep reminding myself of that...from here on out... my time and whne i want things to happen means absolutely nothing!

EEEEKKKKK!!

Alright everyone, the countdown is on! 24 hours! I have been up all night long- not sleeping more than ten minute intervals-excitement, nerves.... I havent been this sleepless since i was a kid and it was the night before christmas. (ok, i lie, every year before christmas:) I keep waking up and checking the clock, did i go to bed too early, too late? my pillow is too hot, too cold, i have an itch on my feet that i cant reach, back needs scratched, restless legs, growly stomach, im thirsty, the wind is too loud, the room is too silent, my legs are asleep, was that a bug or my hair? I think im going absoultely crazy. ITs one of those nights i have spent whispering to God to just throw down a 2x4 and knock me out for a few hours....or at least some niquil.

We have to be up in an hour to get to the hospital for the amnio. Im admittedly freaked out and nervous about it. Praying her lungs are ready and that the test itself doesnt hurt too bad.
My loving sister came over last night, bless her, and helped me pack my hospital bag- at least vaughn-elise's part and helped me remember that its silly to take my blow dryer and straightener- that ill never use it. (but im taking it anyways- just in case...) Without her input my poor little girly would have been freezing cold with no socks or hat, no bink, etc. I am hoping it all will seem more natural when she's actually here- right now it sorta feels like rollplay. Strange to think im really about to be a mom!!!

I think rudy is equally if not more terrified than i am right now. He seems to be asking alot of questions but not responsive to the answers:) What time do we have to be there? Did you set the alarm? double check the alarm. Do we need to take anything? What are we supposed to do? dO you know where to go? Then what? Then what?

i have been keeping in contact with a friend who is in Alaska, also pregnant and living in the bush, a two hour plane ride from any hosptial, in a town cosisting of 16 female and 12 men. she has had an incredibly challenging pregnancy with alot of scares and i am so blessed to have the best of the best in thier field as my doctors. I really do feel a hundred percent safe with them and cant imagine how her fears must rule her days for the most part- she is so strong and never seems to worry as much as i feel i would!

Babies are such little miracles and i am SO excited to get to meet mine! I have been very sad lately as well though- wishing my grandpa was here to meet her. I always loved watching him and his enthusiasm with the little babies of the family- it breaks my heart that i will never get to see that interaction with my little girl. We miss you every minute grandpa!

1 day left!!! Yikes!!

"Sometimes the best way to move into the unknown is to take familiar steps, small steps. To do ordinary things to deal with something that is in no way ordinary. We're always going someplace new, all the time. Familiar things just let us pretend that we aren't moving into unfamiliar territory. You take those small familiar steps, and you try to be honest, not to live as if nothing had changed but still to go on with your life. But there are times when what you need is a piece of how things used to be. "
-Allie Keys

In the water??

I have to be honest- this weekend has been possibly the most challenging for me from all of the weekends the past nine months. Possibly harder than any of the weeks combined. i just cant seem to get happy. Sometimes, i feel like i am doing this all on my own- and im sure if it came down to it- i could. But i really dont want to have to do that. By this point, i should have all the last minute things done and for the most part i do, but there are many things i need help with or cant do on my own and those are still on the list of things waiting to get done. Those are for the most part the things that NEED To be done. I have had such an emotional weekend and realizing that this is the last weekend i will ever ever ever have of just being myself, with no little one, has been more saddening for me than exciting. This in itself is challenging. I expected to be extatic and excited and i am a little, but i am mostly just super sad, super super stressed and frazzled. Rudy went back to the quad cities again this weekend- of all weekends, right when i could have really used some extra help- and if nothing more- support. But i try not to let it get to me and just lean on the people that are here. I just keep telling myself he doesnt get it?
While i have been complaining and worrying about having people at the hospital, God has changed my heart on this matter- I am now feeling incredibly blessed that i have those people who want to be supportive and there for me and this baby- I am realizing those people are few and far between and finding people you can count on, not once in a while, but always, is a true treasure.
I called my friend, kendal, last night- a bawling mess and she was at my door in ten minutes. We went to a good dinner and then caught a movie. Neither of us cared what we saw, just to be out and not having my mind on all the things here that need done was such a relief. We ended up seeing The Brave One. It was such a good movie- quite twisted and quite gorrey (sp?) but it was one that kept my attention so well I didnt miss the fact that i had forgotten to get snacks or a drink! That says alot for me:) The only bad part was it was a late late movie and i got home around one, went to bed and was up all night with nightmares....bad ones. Would have been nice to not be home alone.
It is embarrassing and sad for me to have to ask other people for the help that i need to get these last minute things done. I love rudy, i really really do...i just dont understand him or why he doesnt see that i need his help. I am going to my sisters today to have p hillippe help me put in the car seat- its been on my to do list for weeks and i have tried numerous times and cant get it in right. My sister is going to help me pack the hospital bag- another task i have tried to do numerous times and all i can do is stand around staring at everything and nothing gets put in the bag. What would i do without them??? Bless them- they are the excited that i wish i could feel right now.
I think i want to be a kangaroo- take her out so i can see her and love on her, but then let me put her back in until im really ready for her...i know, its a horrible thing to say that!
I dont know that i have ever in all of my life been this overwhelmed, scared, frustrated or anxious. I feel like a mess. I cant even make macaroni without crying into the pot.
I cant wait to see you all soon- hopefully these hormones will have cleared up by then.

beautiful day

Today was a great day- nothing super big happened and i really didnt accomplish too much, but it was just a good day. The weather is gorgeous and a good friend from college that i havent seen in about two years called and was in des moines for the day so she stopped over for a few hours. It was nice to catch up and get to see her again. I got a great uplifting email from a good friend in alaska. I got my car cleaned out and some bills taken care of. The exterminator came and while the bedroom is still a mess and im still broke- I get to meet my daughter in just three days. My Daughter!!!! thats so crazy!!! Rudy reminded me this morning that this is the last friday that we're not going to have her. Its so strange.

I finally got around to posting an add to teach photography classes here in des moines and hope i get a good response from that. I will have to start them the first of november but its worth it not be stressed about money and since they are only an hour long- it wont be too bad. I figure if this works out, it will be enough money for me to stay home and not have to go back to work. Also, a good friend last night asked me if i would consider watching her two year old and soon to be new born in feb/march. This would be nice as she lives close and we've been great friends for a long time...it wouldnt pay what a full time job does but i also wouldnt have to worry about childcare. We will have to see how it all works out but its refreshing to know i have options.

Im ready for a great weekend.

Freedom??

My last weekend of "freedom"... SCARY! I went to dinner with the girls from sport about last night and it was so nice to just be out with the girls (and one of thier little boys) and just be able to catch up with them. All but one of them are moms and it was nice that i didnt have to say my fears or concerns, they just seemed to know and spoke conversations that were comforting and reassuring and i left feeling much better and more excited than nervous. It was much needed. My parents are away this weekend and im am hoping nothing big happens!!! (Aside from some possibly fabulous garage sale finds and maybe some great rest)

The exterminator still hasnt come so once again, i will rework my schedule around him coming today- im just ready to be done with bugs!

While i have been so thankful to be done with work and just have some time to relax and get some stuff done, it feels weird not going in there and seeing the clients etc. It feels like im playing hookey, and while its fun- i keep thinking my phone is going to ring with my manager asking where I am, and everytime i go out of the house i feel like i have to hide incase someone from work sees me and wonders why i didnt show up for work. ITs a strange feeling- but one i can definetly get used to. I went in yesterday to pick up my paycheck and one of my favorite clients had written a long letter to me about how much i had changed her life and made her more positive about herself and how she really considered me a friend and she'd never forget me etc....it was the sweetest words i think ive heard from anyone for a long time and it was really touching. Its nice to be reminded that even when you are having a crappy time in your life- you can still help make other people's days better. It was just really sweet- a nice ending to a job i was beginning to hate.

My day will consist of folding clothes, packing the hospital bag, running errands, paying bills and hopefully some garage saling!!!! WAHOO. I bet your all jealous!