"Sometimes the best way to move into the unknown is to take familiar steps, small steps. To do ordinary things to deal with something that is in no way ordinary. We're always going someplace new, all the time. Familiar things just let us pretend that we aren't moving into unfamiliar territory. You take those small familiar steps, and you try to be honest, not to live as if nothing had changed but still to go on with your life. But there are times when what you need is a piece of how things used to be. "
-Allie Keys

In the water??

I have to be honest- this weekend has been possibly the most challenging for me from all of the weekends the past nine months. Possibly harder than any of the weeks combined. i just cant seem to get happy. Sometimes, i feel like i am doing this all on my own- and im sure if it came down to it- i could. But i really dont want to have to do that. By this point, i should have all the last minute things done and for the most part i do, but there are many things i need help with or cant do on my own and those are still on the list of things waiting to get done. Those are for the most part the things that NEED To be done. I have had such an emotional weekend and realizing that this is the last weekend i will ever ever ever have of just being myself, with no little one, has been more saddening for me than exciting. This in itself is challenging. I expected to be extatic and excited and i am a little, but i am mostly just super sad, super super stressed and frazzled. Rudy went back to the quad cities again this weekend- of all weekends, right when i could have really used some extra help- and if nothing more- support. But i try not to let it get to me and just lean on the people that are here. I just keep telling myself he doesnt get it?
While i have been complaining and worrying about having people at the hospital, God has changed my heart on this matter- I am now feeling incredibly blessed that i have those people who want to be supportive and there for me and this baby- I am realizing those people are few and far between and finding people you can count on, not once in a while, but always, is a true treasure.
I called my friend, kendal, last night- a bawling mess and she was at my door in ten minutes. We went to a good dinner and then caught a movie. Neither of us cared what we saw, just to be out and not having my mind on all the things here that need done was such a relief. We ended up seeing The Brave One. It was such a good movie- quite twisted and quite gorrey (sp?) but it was one that kept my attention so well I didnt miss the fact that i had forgotten to get snacks or a drink! That says alot for me:) The only bad part was it was a late late movie and i got home around one, went to bed and was up all night with nightmares....bad ones. Would have been nice to not be home alone.
It is embarrassing and sad for me to have to ask other people for the help that i need to get these last minute things done. I love rudy, i really really do...i just dont understand him or why he doesnt see that i need his help. I am going to my sisters today to have p hillippe help me put in the car seat- its been on my to do list for weeks and i have tried numerous times and cant get it in right. My sister is going to help me pack the hospital bag- another task i have tried to do numerous times and all i can do is stand around staring at everything and nothing gets put in the bag. What would i do without them??? Bless them- they are the excited that i wish i could feel right now.
I think i want to be a kangaroo- take her out so i can see her and love on her, but then let me put her back in until im really ready for her...i know, its a horrible thing to say that!
I dont know that i have ever in all of my life been this overwhelmed, scared, frustrated or anxious. I feel like a mess. I cant even make macaroni without crying into the pot.
I cant wait to see you all soon- hopefully these hormones will have cleared up by then.

beautiful day

Today was a great day- nothing super big happened and i really didnt accomplish too much, but it was just a good day. The weather is gorgeous and a good friend from college that i havent seen in about two years called and was in des moines for the day so she stopped over for a few hours. It was nice to catch up and get to see her again. I got a great uplifting email from a good friend in alaska. I got my car cleaned out and some bills taken care of. The exterminator came and while the bedroom is still a mess and im still broke- I get to meet my daughter in just three days. My Daughter!!!! thats so crazy!!! Rudy reminded me this morning that this is the last friday that we're not going to have her. Its so strange.

I finally got around to posting an add to teach photography classes here in des moines and hope i get a good response from that. I will have to start them the first of november but its worth it not be stressed about money and since they are only an hour long- it wont be too bad. I figure if this works out, it will be enough money for me to stay home and not have to go back to work. Also, a good friend last night asked me if i would consider watching her two year old and soon to be new born in feb/march. This would be nice as she lives close and we've been great friends for a long time...it wouldnt pay what a full time job does but i also wouldnt have to worry about childcare. We will have to see how it all works out but its refreshing to know i have options.

Im ready for a great weekend.

Freedom??

My last weekend of "freedom"... SCARY! I went to dinner with the girls from sport about last night and it was so nice to just be out with the girls (and one of thier little boys) and just be able to catch up with them. All but one of them are moms and it was nice that i didnt have to say my fears or concerns, they just seemed to know and spoke conversations that were comforting and reassuring and i left feeling much better and more excited than nervous. It was much needed. My parents are away this weekend and im am hoping nothing big happens!!! (Aside from some possibly fabulous garage sale finds and maybe some great rest)

The exterminator still hasnt come so once again, i will rework my schedule around him coming today- im just ready to be done with bugs!

While i have been so thankful to be done with work and just have some time to relax and get some stuff done, it feels weird not going in there and seeing the clients etc. It feels like im playing hookey, and while its fun- i keep thinking my phone is going to ring with my manager asking where I am, and everytime i go out of the house i feel like i have to hide incase someone from work sees me and wonders why i didnt show up for work. ITs a strange feeling- but one i can definetly get used to. I went in yesterday to pick up my paycheck and one of my favorite clients had written a long letter to me about how much i had changed her life and made her more positive about herself and how she really considered me a friend and she'd never forget me etc....it was the sweetest words i think ive heard from anyone for a long time and it was really touching. Its nice to be reminded that even when you are having a crappy time in your life- you can still help make other people's days better. It was just really sweet- a nice ending to a job i was beginning to hate.

My day will consist of folding clothes, packing the hospital bag, running errands, paying bills and hopefully some garage saling!!!! WAHOO. I bet your all jealous!

Forest Gump is the saddest movie i have ever seen.
I cant stop crying- what a wreck.

Thursday

Not a whole lot new today- Spending the day running errands again and hoping to get the car nice and clean so i can get the car seat installed today or tomorrow. I got alot accomplished yesterday which made me feel great!! While my errand running yesterday was unproductive (my mom is very right about my decision making skills disappearing since ive been pregnant), i was still able to feel like i got alot done; some thank you notes written, a little organizing done etc. We went to my parents last night for chili and corn bread and let me tell you what!!! AMAZING!!! I was in total heaven! I ate way way way too much and vaughn-elise let me know it later- but it was worth ever single minute of heart burn for each bite of the delisious chili! I think people who can make chili are pretty amazing. I love to cook but for some reason, that is the one thing that seems very overwhelming to me. Luckily i have a mom and dad who can whip up a batch like its no ones buisness.

They were (my parents) also extremely helpful last night. Rudy and I really appreciated them coming over and bringing some more stuff to help make the place homey. We now have a place to sit and eat when you all come over and visit, a dresser for our clothes and two recliners to help sooth the baby to sleep:) Its looking much nicer. The only room i have left to really clean before monday is the bedroom- getting it rearranged fror the cradle and one of the recliners.

Before monday??!!! Its werid to just say that....only 4 days left! Thats insane!!!

Tonight i am meeting the good ole "sport about for kids girls" out for dinner and am excited to see them all. One of the girls has moved back from the east coast and we are all anxious to get back together again. Today looks like its going to be a great day!

exhaustion!

So today was a challenge to get through- thats about the nicest thing i can say.

The lack of help around the house and the desperate need to get it cleaned and organized is enough to make me have a stroke. i am tired of pushing, asking and begging and just ready to get it done...so even after a long day- im stuck cleaning. This sucks! I think it must be a difference in how we were raised...my house, deep cleaned weekly, not so much on the other end of the stick. Not so much- ever! I refuse to bring a newborn home to a nasty dirty place. SIGH... i need to sleep...obviously- the only thing i can seem to do is gripe and question why i am the only one working on anything...I dont understand how men can sit on a couch and turn the tv up while we are trying to the cook dinner, clean up after dinner, vaccum, organize etc... i, sometimes am glad i dont understand men...and other times, id give anything to understand them...just a little bit!!!!!

Stacie (my boss) must have felt my tension and could read (by the tens of hundreds of lists i had around me at work today) that i was overwhelmed and needed to have some time to do what i needed to do. SO, she gave me tomorrow (what was my last day ) off. While i have to stop in and get some things done- its more than nice to know i dont have to go in and work all day and then come home and get to get back to work.... I liked college better!!! For some reason, cleaning was my LAST priority then!

Anyways, Someone asked me today if i was excited for monday- i kinda laughed and said...."excited....terrified...they all feel the same." And its strange, because they do. A weird feeling in your stomach, anxiety and impatience, overtaking of the mind. Maybe its a mix of both.

Tomorrow night is chili and corn bread night at my parents and i am SO EXCITED!! Just what i need on a fall day to unwind and take a minute to breathe!!!

frazzled, emotional, crazy-
Meghan

longest day!

Sigh- im ready for bed. For some reason today seemed extra long, clients were extra "dont know why i gained weight- i only ate four brats and drank ten beers", co workers were extra demanding and my patience was extra low.

But tonight has been relaxing just to come home, warm up some old pizza and eat the popcorn cake my dad made me yesterday that was so good i would have eaten it out of a shoe. Somethign about it brings back my childhood. Its delish!

My to do list keeps getting longer and im trying to remind myself that if I dont get it done, life will go on, and i know it will. I think i got it from my mom- not wanting to do anything or go anywhere until all the housework was done, my to do list was done and when it was all said and done i could come home and not have to worry about having a house full of work waiting when i got home. I never understood it when i was younger and it probably made me mad then, but now, i get it more than ever!!! Sigh.... Mom, im becoming you more and more everyday!!! You warned me :)

Im sick of this weather. I miss the 60's and 50's.

Another 11 hour day ahead tomorrow at work- I need to rest so i dont kill anyone. Gnight.

7 more days!!

7 more days!!! I cant even believe it! This pregnacy has gone so fast! Its insane really. I think i am offically nesting....my to do list grows by the minute and I have inlisted Rudy's help in cleanign out the fridge, and have left him an entire list of things for him to do while i am doing my list. Im not sure that he is very fond of this- but is possibly too scared to say otherwise:) As you all know, ive been irrational and moody and i dont blame him most days for putting his tail between his legs and taking whatever is thrown at him. (sometimes literally:) I think he can tell im starting to panic some.

I got to see my parents, brother, sister and little sweet gabs this weekend- its a nice time to get to see everyone. I am really wishing that fall would just make up its mind and stick around for a while. We cant seem to decide to keep the air on or open the windows. The weather channel predicts one more day of heat and then a nice long stretch of beatuiful 60's and 70's. Tuesday- birth day- should be perfect- cool and rainy- my absolute favorite!! Three more long days of work and then i will have a good four days to get everything done i need/ want to do. I am hoping to hit up some garage sales friday and saturday since they will probably be the last days i get to do that until the color drive. (and yes, im determined to go:))

One more week until we all get to meet little vaughn-elise! Hurry here sweet girl (or take your time, i cant decide which id prefer right now. )

sleepless in iowa.

Yes, to those of you who look at the time- it really is almost 4 in the morning. Im not s ure why i cant sleep- bad dreams, anxiety, being sick-the medicines keeping me wide awake. I feel like i have a million things to do and absolutely no time to complete them. I had the day off today and spent the day cleaning....deep cleaning. It felt good to get some of that done- but still have alot to do. I have to leave scrubbing the floors to rudy as i cant get down there anymore (at least not back up once i did get down there.) I still didnt get the hospital bags packed like i would have liked. Rudy asked me today when i got home from the grocery store if i had hired someone or if my mom came over and cleaned....apparently he was impressed---its not like ive never cleaned before- give me a break! But it was nice that he noticed. Now if it would just stay this way. I now understand how my mom used to block off rooms with chairs so after she cleaned no one could go in there for like a week. Thats what i feel like doing too. Kendal came over tonight for her birthday to hang out. I wish i could have afforded to do a big blow out party or get her something really fantastic, but all i could afford was to just watch a movie. It was relaxing and nice to just hang out. We did have fabulous cake and ice cream which always makes for a good night! (apparently, also a sleepless night.) Rudy and I went to bed early- which could be part of the problem and stayed awake trying to figure out when /how long he was taking off work....what other days throughout the rest of the year he would need off for family events and other things. Its really nice to know he's at least thinking about this- even if he cant possibly take all the time off I would like. Its good to feel like, even though he's loving his job- he is finally realizing that he has to make sacrifices for his family. Either our long talk to the other night really helped- or he's just coming around some. I think it will unfortunatly be a slow process for him, but hopefully well worth it in the end. I would like for him not to have to get a second job- but this has been a discussion as well, at least until i can come to terms with going back to work- or finding a different job who's hours work better. Oh how i wish money was no object! Well, a few more days of work and then i will have a couple of days to get a few more things done. For now, I will try to go back to sleep....wish me luck!


P.S. What on earth happened to fall???

sweet relief

I love my doctor- I love drugs. Last night was the first good nights sleep in about a week and I could actually breathe! Granted, the normal tossing and turning- legs falling asleep pregnancy mishaps were still there- but I COULD BREATHE! Hip Hip Hooray!

Today is my "day off" and i have to say- i dont think it will really be much of a day off at all. I have a ton of errands to run, a house to clean, dishes to do.....

Rudy got it started yesterday by picking up all the clothes off the floor and sorting them into baskets so i wouldnt have to do this... (all while i was napping...maybe i dont give him enough credit) and took out the trash and picked up the dishes laying around... (i know I know, it makes our place sound like it was pretty bad off, and truthfully- it sort of is right now...which is why i am dedicating the day to cleaning.

I am hoping to put together the hospital bag today- everytime i start i get all anxious about it and dont put anything in the bag...we'll try it again.

Its also kendals birthday and while i trully dont feel like doing anything- I think she will come over tonight for a movie and cake. Thats the plan anyways. Who can pass up cake?

Hump Day

Thank God its wednesday "Hump day" And i have the day off tomorrow. I left work early to go to the doctor and was relieved to have a short day. Getting over the sore throat part of being sick- but am insanely congested now. My doctor perscribed some nasal decongestant- but of course, i left the clinic before i realized he didnt give me the paper...hopefully he will call it in- I cant do another night of not breathing. The girls at work laughed at me today because i was out of breath just eating....couldnt get air through my mouth or nose! Not my idea of fun. Im just hoping its all cleared up by the time my Csection comes!! I am looking forward to a day off tomorrow and a weekend ahead. The days seem to be longer and longer now and im just ready for some time away from the clients and coworkers and everyday routine. I have a feeling that these last few days off before the big day will be spent cleaning and organizing and laundry and getting things i realize i dont have....

Oh errands, nose blowing, coughing and sniffing....thats all i do these days.

blah!

I have been feeling pretty darn crappy the last week- but this weekend especially....i recognized the signs of feeling feverish, achy and the feeling of swallowing glass to be something i should go get checked out. I hate doctors- but I went anyways. Come to find out- I was right. I have strep throat. Luckily there is only blisters on the right tonsil and not the left side yet...so i got antibiotics and should be good to go in 4 days. Back to work tomorrow after im no longer contagious and hoping that this past week hasnt contaminated anyone. The doc said it was in the early stages- so hopefully no harm done. I love fall- but its always my sickest time of year.

Im going to go try to take a nap. . . and maybe get some chicken noodle soup.

Better day...

So, aparently i was a little stressed yesterday- Okay...alot. Today is much better- at least, for now... you never seem to know when emotions will go array.
Rudy got back from the Quad Cities last night and we stayed home and watched The Number 23...a very insane movie that turned out to be better than i thought it was. It has Jim Carry and while some scenes could have been deleted- it was one of his best movies. At least i think so. But, i dont like comedies so thats probably why i feel that way.

Vaughn-Elise was in a weird position this morning and causing lots of cramping...my back, my stomach- they all hurt. We decided to go get breakfast at a local place here called Legacy and it was refreshing to be at a place with good food that wasnt completely packed on a Sunday morning. We thought we had found a treasure "secret" spot that most people must not know about. And we hope it stays that way- the food was great and I had the best french toast ive ever had:)

My gma called last night and it was nice to have a good chat with her- i always miss seeing her and CANT WAIT FOR THE COLOR DRIVE! Of course, a seeminly short start of a conversation turns out to last an hour- but thats okay. I am so excited to be there and in the "Fallness" of it all and have the campfire (even though i wont be able to go hayriding! :(
I have been researching where some local pumpkin patches are and am hoping we will soon be able to enjoy going to these-

Amanda and I went garage saling and had some great finds with fall decorations so im going to do a little interior decorating tonight too. :) EEEEK Im so excited!

Am I dreaming??

So, i have to say, I was slightly embarrassed to be a hawk fan today. Did you see that game?? I dont know about you all- but with a team like ours against a team like state, there should have been no competition. Sigh- good thing football is just a game and not a life or death situation (although on days like this- it seems like it sometimes).

I am really struggling with some minor, yet seemingly large decisions about ms. vaughn-elise's birth. Rudy and i have discussed, that in a perfect world- visitors would wait until day two or three to come to the hospital. This, however, seems to be causing some disgruntled people in my life.
The day will be stressful and nerve racking enough-full of waiting- from the amnio to waiting for the results of the amnio, to the time of the surgery etc etc and nothing will be decided until that day. THere is always a chance that even with amnio, she could come out under developed and have to be in the ICU. This of course, is my worst fear and i would prefer not to have a ton of people around in case this happens.
However, nobody seems understanding of the fact that this is not only my first time doing this- but that im having surgery and will be feeling like crap and in pain and will, for the first time ever, just want to look at and hold my precious sweet baby and get to know the little gal ive been living with for 9 months. While i have been extremely verbal that the only people i want at the hospital that day is rudy and my parents/sister/ brother.... everyone seems to think they are the exception to the rule. When i verbalize this- they think i am talking about everyone but them. Im not. I really only want those people there- the people i feel comfortable throwing up in front of (as i alwyas do after any time of surgery) and people ifeel comfortable being int he room if i want to sleep- need to pee- have to get checked etc. I dont want to fight with people about washing their hands when they come visit or feel like, as i saw in my sisters case, everyone got to hold her but the mom and dad.

If people want to come- I am glad to have their support and definetly want them to come- just not until day two, etc. I really do want everyone to see her and by not wanting them there the first day- am not in anyway trying to hurt thier feelings or make them mad...but this is our day- a day for our family- the first day of hte rest of my life and i just want to revel in that and enjoy it and not have to entertain or be bothered.

There are several people who have voiced that they are planning on taking the day off work to be there...all day??? how do I make it clear that i really want this to be a bonding thing with my baby and my family and not a show for everyone else who wants to see and hold her first. SHe will be here for a very long time-if people can just hold off ONE DAY, it would be so much less stressful- but this seems to be impossible. Chances are we wont even know I am going into surgery until the afternoon and then will be in recovery until late afternoon and then it will be evening and i will want to rest and we will all be exhuasted and emotional.

It makes me trully sad that she is so comfortable in there and so warm and familiar- and then all of a sudden will be ripped from her home and brought into a cold, bright unfamiliar world and be passed from person to person when the only things she knows is the comfort of her mom and security of the womb. I cry every time i think of this- I know all babies have to go through this- but i just cant imagine how scared babies must be...

SIGH- I am blessed to have the support that I have and to have so many people who want to share this with me...i feel like a horrible person for wanting to keep it small (even for just one day.) Any advice on how to deal with this- let me know.

GO HAWKS!!! I must say- even not being in iowa city- my black and gold spirit just seems to squirt out of me. I told kendal today- being totally honest- that i just didnt see the point in being friends with someone who is a state fan. WHats the point? they obviously have horrible taste and no team spirit. and while thats sick- its really how i feel. SO there state fans...you suck!! If you dont bleed black and gold, you probably dont really ahve blood at all....

I am absolutely in love with this weather and am getting ready to go snuggle in my warm bed with the windows open! My favorite fall thing! My parents are canoeing this weekend and i can imagine its probably a little cold- but likely that they are having a blast.

Tomorrow i am going garage saling and am excited that i can look for little girl things AND little boy things for my soon to be nephew- I CANT WAIT!!! Then its the hawkeye game- then some cleaning...
SO since its late and ihave a full day ahead- I am going to head out! Gnight all.

bah humbug

I am realizing that some things, some worries and troubles in your life cant even be fixed by gorgeous weather and beautiful fall. This is sad, beings its such a wonderful time of year. I keep reminding myself...this too shall pass. However, saying this doesnt seem to do a whole lot for my spirit. This should be the most exciting point in my life and i just cant seem to get as excited as i should be.

Dont get me wrong. I am exctatic and trully cant wait to see her beautiful face. I am so excited for that, i cant wait to snuggle her-Speaking of which, i went to the doctor today and they are for sure doing amnio in two weeks- meaning we will most likely (without a doubt according to the doctor) have her in two weeks. Of course there is a small chance she wont be fully baked yet and will need to stay comfy in the oven for a few weeks longer- and i am somewhat okay with that. Im sad to think i wont feel her anymore, or that iw ill have to share her. Its sort of scary. What if im a bad mom??

I am going to the doctor tomorrow again, (my last appointment with my perinatologist). This will be my last ultrasound. My mom is going and i am excited for her to see the ultrasound and meet my amazing doctor. I am hoping baby vaughn-elise shows her face this time as the last two times she has stayed hidden. I would love to get a better image of her before she gets here.

I am trying not to sweat the small stuff- and this is good considering there are so many big things going on right now.

I need a vacation from myself.

FINALLY!!!

Its here! Its here! Its here, its here, its here!!!! HOOORAAAYYY!!!! Thats how i have felt all day, ever since i stepped outside this morning and felt the cool brisk air and soft cool wind. ITS HERE!!! I actually ate my lunch at work outside, in the rain, in my car with the windows rolled down and my fleece on. It was PERFECT. I propped the door open at work and while everyone else was freezing- i couldnt wipe the grin off my face. The smell of the air is even different. Its indescribable how i feel when the weather is this way- its this amazing, peaceful, easy going, nothing can upset me, perfection. thats how it feels. only better!!

Rudy called the landlord today and i believe our problems are soon to be fixed....apprently, according to the crazy (whom i thought was pretty down to earth) landlord...the fridge isnt working right because rudy is "playing mind games with it." yes this is what he said. I heard it with my own two ears. ....Rudy just laughed and said "yup, me wanting it to keep my food cold is 'playing mind games with an appliance." Oh boy- people are nuts!

Anyways- this is going to be the best week ever if the weather stays this way!! I am so excited to make apple cider and chili and cornbread, vegetable soup and pumpkin pies.... im so excited to carve pumpkins and sit outside with sweats on and curl up on the couch- windows down and with a blanket and a good movie.

Have i said how much I LOVE FALL???

oh oh oh what a night.

We spent last night b*boppin, greasin it up and just having a swell time! Mom's suprise party went off without a hitch. It was one of those things that i was so excited for- it felt like we were planning and planning and it was never going to get here. But it did. My mom came over yesterday (sat) to help me with some nursery stuff and bless her soul she also came with a fresh roast with carrots and potatos- ... MY FAV. The only bad part about it was that i had to put it in the fridge and rush out the door just moments after she left. ( I did grab a few bites while it was fresh and hot and there is somethign about mom's cooking that just hits the spot..cant beat a roast thats been cooking all day either!) I met amanda and phillippe, matthew and maria over at dennis and annes house (good friends of my parents) and we started putting the diner together, preparing diner foods and decorating the sock hop. The theme was "welcome to 1957." We had a blast putting it all together. Then we all hurried and got dressed in poodle skirts, scarfs and wing glasses while the guys got their "greaser " gear going. It was hilarious. Guests arrived and then the honored guest of the night. We even had an outfit for mom so she could fit in!! We really had so much fun! I just LOVE a good theme party! i think everyone should have at least one big party thrown for them at some point. I hope mom had as much fun as we did. We ended the night with root beer floats and 50's games. ( i will post pictures tomorrow hopefully.)

Speaking of fun- have any of you stepped outside today?? AHHhhhh God bless America- Fall is here!!!! I just returned from enjoying ice cream outside on the patio with kendal (also a fall lover). While chatting we both got even more excited about fall while talking about possibly doing a bonfire and carving pumpkins! I think i will sleep with the windows open tonight!

On to another week of working...what a drag.
Thrusday and Friday I have doctors appointments at both doctors and will have my final ultrasound. This is very sad for me as i have been able to watch her grow from the size of a bullet to a nearly 8 pound body of love. I will miss watching these on the screen but have to keep reminding myself that ill be able to see her everyday now, not just once a month! I am sooo excited to see her! I just cant wait to snuggle and smell her and go for fall walks and just enjoy her.
We do find out on thurs/ friday about the amnio- hopefully set a date for that. Its gone by soo fast and i just (in the words of my grandpa wayne) "I
caaan't believe it!"

i am blessed

Today has been one of those reflecting days. One of those days where you see your life for what it is. One of those days where you realize just how lucky you are. Its been one of those days where things are in the right perspective. The little things have appeared little and the big things have appeared big and i have realized, with each consious though, how trully, unbelievably blessed i am. I have been overly "moody" lately-and in fact, quite hateful. As I ran errands this morning i realized how blessed I am that my car has yet to give out on me, that I am able still, in my pregnancy to run errands. While another stranger asked me if i was carrying twins, i said. " no, but what a blessing that would be huh? I luckily though, just have one and she's big and happy and healthy." and the lady smiled back and said ..."now thats a blessing." and it is! The biggest of blessings i think. While i complain about not being able to get comfortable or to sleep well or to do much without crutches or a chair, i must remind myself that this is all becuase I AM HAVING A BABY. the one thing i always wanted and was always told would never happen...and it is. AND even better, she is healthy and active and will be here before i know it!

I have been feeling incredibly lucky lately to be in the family i am in. I have grown, in the past months, to really adore spending time with my mom. This is a big step for any daughter i think. As teens we try to rebel and prove that we are independent, but as we get older, at least for me I found that my mom is my dear friend- that she DOES have my best interest at heart and that she IS fun to be around and talk to. I have ground to trully respect her and desire to be around her- i miss her when i dont talk to her and i look forward to spending any time ican with her.

While i have always known how amazing my dad is, its more prominent to me, still as i get older as well. I always, when younger, took his hard work and labor for granted- i thought all dads did that. I was wrong. Sometimes i see him exhuasted and wish i could climb up on the roof and help like i used to- unfortunatly, my body gave out long before his has. He is a kind spirit and a soul of a warrior.



I am ready for the weekend and as the weather cools, i am blessed that fall is nearly here.

A brighter day!

I awoke today- tired but in a far better mood than the past day or so. I am sure everyone in my path appreciated this. It probably had alot to do with knowing that i was going to get off early today! Hooray- thank God I have had the privelege to take over the scheduling at work.

While work, as always was overwhelming, it was nice to get some errands run after work and come back in time to eat dinner with rudy. Frozen pizza feels more gourmet every day that goes by:) Anything feels gourmet when you dont have to be the one cooking. At least thats how i feel. I have had a huge craving lately for chili and cornbread. My mom-the wonderful cook that she is- made an amazing pot of vegetable soup with rolls the other night and i cant say that anything has quite hit the spot like that before...ever. My craving has gotten so bad for this dreamy chili and cornbread combo that i dream of- that i have literally had dreams about planning a chili party and have several people bring different kinds of chili. Crazy- I know... but ive been lucky to only have a few cravings of this magnitude.

I have saturday off of work and am feeling incredibly blessed....I would love to hit up some late season garage sales but may end up sleeping in- or trying- and then hitting up the apple festival. My mom is coming over and we are going to finish getting some nursery stuff put together. I am feeling a strong desire to get a hospital bag packed and ready to go. Rudy talked to his boss yesterday, again, to clarify that he could up and leave if i ended up going into labor. Luckily, this was approved....again. :) I think he is more paranoid than he lets on.

Otherwise, I am feeling pretty okay. I'm lying a little bit. But i dont feel... bad necessarily. Just...everything aches, im tired, moody and hungry all the time. My swelling seems to get worse daily and i am in great fear that the possibility of my skin ripping when i bend my feet is getting more and more likely. Rudy laughs and says this will never happen... but i think it just may...skin can only stretch so far, like a balloon... then POP! I keep tripping on things around me that i swear were not there. Its humerous i suppose and i always get a good laugh- i never thought i would be one of those women who couldnt see my feet....i was wrong....there is a two food circle around them that i cant see either. Things seem to just appear in that circle and get under my feet. Oh, if we couldnt laugh at ourselves, what on earth would we do??

I am starting to feel and look like a 90 year old woman with bad artheritis and frown lines. yuck- i can see myself in many years and i think i should change it now before it goes downhill fast!

"Make sure you got clean underwear, she always said, in case you get in an accident & I always figured that'd be the least of my worries, but now I'm older & I see there's a lot you can't control & some you can control & clean underwear is one of those you can. For the most part. " -Brian Andreas

"I'll bet even an angels butt itches if he has to do too much sitting on hard places." - Brian Andreas.

Back to work.

Work resumed today and while i am blessed to have a job- i sometimes spend my last day off dreading the fact that i have to return the next day. Nothing new and exciting happened, as usual and i spent most of the day dreaming up ideas of how to make money as to not have to go back to work when my girly is born. Ive come up with alot of "prolly wouldnt work" plans and not so many "insant millionaire" like i had hoped for. Work sucks.
I went to dinner tonight with rudy (he paid, what a guy.) and realized that i am no longer permited to finish a whole sandwich or really even half. Nope, i can take a few bites, feel incredibly stuffed and in pain and then twenty minutes later and hungry again. I wish she would make up her mind. I guess i know now what gastric bypass patients feel like...maybe?
I dont go to the doctor again until the 13th, but i will be thrown in jail if someone doesnt start making some decisions. Im a girl who lives every second with her calendar within reach, each day filled out- what bills are due, apts, work schedule, upcoming events, things i need to think about, decisions that need make, purchases to make and any other menial life point that could be written in there ....is. EXCEPT THE BIGGEST EVENT OF MY LIFE and its Driving me NUTS!

One of the girls at work today commented saying "ignore her, its a pregnancy mood swing." and the sad thing was, i didnt realize i was being moody. A client said "its okay- you can be mean- your pregnant." and im not even sure what mean thing i said. I must be getting used to it. Whats going to happen when they realize thats just who i am... pregnant or not? Then i might really be without a job. How nice that would be:) I gotta tell you though- if one more 350 pound woman asks me "are you sure there arent twins in there?" Im going to kill her. Are you kidding ladies?? You look like your having septuplets! Who are you to ask me about my size when you paid thousands of dollars for ME to tell YOU how not to be fat! (and those are the nicest things i can think of to say to them.)
I called rudy today enraged by the fact that we have gnats here and told him to call the landlord ASAP- God was looking out for the landlord today and posted a note on the door this evening that said "pest control will be in your apartments on wednesday 9-5." AMEN! There is a God!

Sigh- on a better note. Im home for the night, ive got koolaid in the fridge and a bed to sleep in. Thats all i can say today.

labor day

Hot, muggy, uncomfortable. I woke this morning, restless, miserable. Intending to sleep-in failed miserably and sleeping seems to be an exhuasting unattainable task these days. I dont know exactly how much i slept or how little, just that everytime i had to roll over, i woke up, had to rearrange the pillows- too hot, too cold- not propped up enough, thirsty. I feel like a toddler having to take water to bed, getting up to pee. Its quite annoying. Mom and I went into town today, got some more things for the baby, shopped around some. It was a blast and Im blessed to have her to help me do these things. I wish i could afford to take her out and do things like that sometimes. Someday- I will- I am sure of that, though it doesnt always feel that way.

FALL!

I am beyond ready for fall. A leaf fell onto my windshield the other day while i was driving under a tree. You would think i had never seen a leaf fall the way i got so excited. Fall! i screamed... Unfortunatly a few more days or weeks of heat before relief will be here! This fall will bring many changes aside from the colors of leaves and temperatures of air an the spirits of people....i am overwhelmed by these changes, unsure of how i will manage. I have never done well with change.

Saturday should cool down just in time for our trip to the Living History Farms Apple Festival. It will, at least, get me in more of a fall mindset. I am ready for soups and blankets, sweatshirts and stocking hats. I am ready to be freed by the winds and warmed by the bonfires that light up the area. While hay rides and haunted houses will be out this year- the thought of them makes me smile. Rudy always says...there is no putting you in a bad mood when its fall outside. He is wise to know this:) Give me a cinnimon candle and open windows and my spirit sings songs of joy.

It will be a hard time of year without my grandpa wayne. I missed the Illinois Color Drive fall festivals last year as i was away in NC. But this year, his joyful spirit will be greatly missed. He was the heart of the festivals and so proud to have all his family gathered around. We were introduced to half the town by the end of the night. His hayrides and weeny roast are the excitement we look forward to all year- it will be hard. There is a fine line between which traditions to keep going in his memory and which ones would be easier to let pass as his absense is too loud and painful.

Traditions, what our family lives for, what makes us who we are.

Quotes on Change

"Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death."- Anais Nin

"To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly."- Henri Bergson

"It's not so much that we're afraid of change or so in love with the old ways, but it's that place in between that we fear . . . . It's like being between trapezes. It's Linus when his blanket is in the dryer. There's nothing to hold on to."- Marilyn Ferguson

"For nothing is fixed, forever and forever and forever, it is not fixed; the earth is always shifting, the light is always changing, the sea does not cease to grind down rock. Generations do not cease to be born, and we are responsible to them because we are the only witnesses they have. The sea rises, the light fails, lovers cling to each other, and children cling to us. The moment we cease to hold each other, the sea engulfs us and the light goes out."- James Baldwin

Giving in....

Since i have been so intrigued by my sisters blogs, and finally come to terms that "blogging" doesnt mean a trashy internet diary discussing breakups and lifes problems blown to disgusting extremes, I decided...what the heck, ill give it a shot. SO, now im blogging. I cant say I will be a faithful daily blogger, but i will try.

Today was either crazy busy or i was badly under rested. Proably more so the latter. We visited my grandpa in the hospital today. He's had surgery and is recovering well. He is still, even in the hospital, a man of many words.
No matter how many times i go back to hospitals, even to see others- I still hate them and find myself exhausted and tense after leaving. I suppose these are fairly normal hospital overload symptoms. The way the smell of unbathed people lingers in the air and dirty bedsheets that are anything but soft and comfortable seem to drape everything. White and sterile-also lingering with germs and illness. Nurses with personalities of bricks and the beeping of ignored IV pumps has me high strung before ive even entered the room.

My grandma is staying with us while my grandpa is recovering. This in itself is eye opening for me. I dont see them as often as i should or would like to, but when i do, i realize how quickly minds can fail you. It scares me to think that one moment you can know something, be somewhere, with someone and not more than two minutes later, forget everything that just happened, was said, or who was there. The mind, the one thing that holds every single thing you know, can be so confused. This is a shattering fact that i struggle to grasp...especially with my grandma. we love her and we miss her old self.

Tomorrow is labor day- a holiday! Thank God. I will sleep in, no doubt and then start a busy day again. But for now, I will go to sleep, and wake up at least 20 times between now and tomorrow. A Good restful night to all.