Lots to do today....
Trying to figure out if/what I am going to dress up as for my friends halloween party...
Getting rudy's birthday presents...
I need to clean very badly and organize so I picked up some rubbermaid containers at the store and will be organizing and selling whatever I dont want/need.
Rudy and I are selling lots of ours stuff on Craigslist so today there are somethings that are supposed to be picked up but so far, no one has called....hope they come because im tired of waiting! THats the stinky thing about craigslist...you get 15 people who say they want to buy what your selling and then, no one follows through. He is selling his yucky old couch and chair and we've had like 4 people say they were going to come over and get it and then never show...someone's supposed to come today (but call before they come) and so far, nothing...grr...iritating..

Tomorrow's halloween....Yay, I helped my brother put together his costume...80's chick. Its cute..he looks hilarious. That kinda got me in the spirit....I think its great when adults can get into the fun too....costume parties...whatever....

I love fall!!!

Breathe it in....Sigh....perfection...

I have been having a hard time getting into halloween this year...I am excited for Vaughn but as far as the things I normally cant wait for (Haunted houses, dressing up, halloween parties, decorating, carving pumpkins...) I just cant seem to get into it. i dont know if its because this is the first halloween in a VERY long time that I am not living on my own- so I dont have my own place to decorate, my own place to put my pumpkins or what it is...in college halloween was HUGE, probably because its Rudy's birthday so we always did it up big...dramatic costumes, lots of paries, preparing for weeks and weeks for it....this year i was hesitant to plan anything because i wanted to make sure i was home wiht Vaughn -elise and had plenty of time to get her stuff together...I dont know, I ve just been in a slump.

my friend Kendal is having a huge all night halloween party from like 9 pm until 5 am. rudy has wanted to go to that from the start- and its not that i didnt, i just wasnt feeling it...but he has convinced me. As long as my parents are okay watching Vaughn, I think we will go...We are headed to the quad cities this weekend for Rudy's birhtday celebration with his family. I really dont want to travel again this weekend...its just alot of preparing and alot of being out of the routine for Vaughn. i feel bad when seh has to spend all that time in the car. But, rudy really wants us to go and its his birthday, so we will.

We came home and played outside. She loved playing in the leaves and Sadie loved playing with her. i love going outside, playing in the crisp (not too cold) fall air...too fun!

Happy Early Birthday to me!!!

This has been most of my day....

She LOVES her babies...

beautiful baby

YAY!! Today a package came for me from UPS....what was it? A NEW CAMERA!!! Hooray!!! I have been needing one of these for so long now so Rudy got me one for my birthday!!! Thanks Rudy! He wanted me to have it before halloween so now i can put lots of pictures on my blog! hooray!!! It made my day. I've never used Kodak before but had been looking at this specific camera because it seems great...we'll see how it turns out. I am still getting used to it.

Vaughn is getting 6 teeth in all at the same time. 4 on top and 2 on bottom...she's especially cranky and uncomfortable today. I feel bad for her. She just comes up and lays on me. She is scared of everything- cars going by, sadie barking...everything...yikes. long day.

This weekend went very well. We got alot of "family time" in with Vaughn-elise, Rudy and myself. Rudy called friday night and said he had "absolutely nothing planned" for saturday and so..we made plans. Origionally we wanted to get up early and take Vaughn to the pumpkin patch, home for a nap and then to night eyes with my sister and their family...we instead ran alot of errands, stopped at the mall just for fun and "pretend shopped" in some jewelry stores. We then went back to the apt and let vaughnie sleep and then went to the pumpkin patch. Amanda and Phillippe decided they werent going to night eyes and vaughn was awfully cranky so we also skipped it and instead took our time at the pumpkin patch. I gotta say, I was highly disappointed in Patch's Pumpkins. It was very much talked up to be some great thing...not so much. Searching for the perfect pumpkins was fun, but the rest of it was dirty and kinda lame. Maybe if Vaughn was a little older she would have liked it but we just couldnt believe how dirty it was. We let her get in the bounce house by herself for a few minutes and she did like that. We ended up getting two pumpkins and were going to carve them (rudy has never carved a pumpkin before..??? what kind of childhood is that?!?!?) but have not yet done that...maybe some morning this week we can do that. They are little petite ones so we weren't sure if we should just set them out (I think they last longer that way). It was fun though and I am glad we went...

Later that night Matt and Maria came over to Rudy's and we watched three movies, ate pizza and had a really really good time. So the movie picks werent that amazing but it was fun.

Sunday we attempted church...vaughn however was exhausted and gets very chatty when she's tired, so we left and I brought her home where she instantly crashed. poor thing.

We spent the day with rudy and then he came over this evening for a bit too. It was really nice getting to spend the weekend with him. Things are going great and we've been getting along perfectly (knock on wood).

This weekend is his birthday (on Halloween) and I am still debating what to get him...i have some ideas but just havent narrowed it down yet. I am so excited for Vaughn's first halloween where she can really dress up and have fun. I know she wont really get it get it but she loves to wear her costume so I am very excited for her.

She's been so mischeivious lately and its really wearing me out!!! Poor thing gets so frustrated hearing no all the time and being removed from situations that sometimes she just breaks down and cries... I wanna do the same thing after hours of trying to distract her from things....

Rudy and I were talking today about what a strong personality she already has....hope thats a good thing...:) Well for now i am exhausted...I must go to bed!

Life IS always beautiful...i just have to keep telling myself this. There is alot weighing on me right now with my relationship with rudy. At this point, we have decided to date again and the more serious we get about making a lifetime commitment to each other the more scared I get. I am ready and excited to be settled down (if he decides this is what he wants) and I am ready to move past dating and to really have a life wiht someone and have a family for VE. Most of the time I want this with him, others I am concerned that things would go back to the way they were, that our long term goals are still very different, I dont want to be "just half the rent payment" to him and I dont want him to want to be with me for this reason. He is very unreadable most of the time. Its scary. We did go look at a condo today that we both love and rudy thinks its something we should go forward with. Who knows what will happen. I do miss him though.

Vaughn-elise is having a rough day....tired I think. Her sleep schedule has been so off...somenights she falls asleep at 6, others its 8:30. Some mornigns she sleeps til 6 and others its 8:00. Somedays she has two naps, others just one. I thought being at home it would be easier to mandate a better schedule wtih her but since she's growing so much, her needs are different and i have a hard time reading it.

I feel we have been very busy lately but with nothign in particular. I am still looking for a job and that stresses me out. good news though, I takled with united healthcare today and I can get individual insurance for 89 per month when it would cost me 350 for cobra. Thats a good thing...at least i know if i am unemployed for a while longer i can still have affordable healthcare that is comparable to my previous plan.

I am exhausted running around trying to keep vaughn out of everything, the plants, the cookbooks, the stairs, the tv cords, the magazines, the books, the mail, the breakable pottery all close to the ground, the decorative things, the CDS, DVDs, its exhausting. I am so ready to have my own place that I can baby proof and keep things up and out of her reach. It would be different if we were not hear all day but she gets bored and then she gets into everything.
Today I put the gate up to keep her with her toys in the kitchen and RAN down the hall to grab my phone and ran back to see her standing on the botton step saying "uh oh!" she had escaped and gone down the stairs in a matter of 30 seconds. Sigh. She is awake....must go tend to her...

new pics...

what can I say? She loves to break into dance whenever she gets the feelin..

my girl has some rhythm, she gets it from her daddy!

doing her booty dance.

This is a MAJOR problem...we now have chairs and boxes lining the entire fireplace....she is obsessed with it!

Birthday girl!!!

On the hayride in Illinios

Bright sun...bad picture, but its of the two of us so I thought id post it..plus i have to show off her cute outfit:)

On daddy's shoulders..

Happy birthday baby girl! This was hilarious, she would hardly even touch it...finally she picked it up and pulled off tiny pieces...very dainty. Cute!

This is how she normally eats! haha

catching up....

I havent posted in a long time as its been very busy. We went to the color drive this weekend and spent some time at the family farm. Its my favorite place ever...even thought I always, without fail feel like crap when i am there. not sure if its something in the house or what but it doesnt take away from the feeling I have when I am there....
its harder now to go there, missing my grandpa, everytime I pull in I still expect him to come up and give me a big ole hug...smelling of a hard days work and old flannel shirts. i loved how he smelled. Its strange and sad to see my grandma's frail body walk to the door without him there. It has yet to get easier. The farm holds so many memories for us all. We had a great time shopping around, Vaughn-elise did great (though she learned to be an escape artist from her stroller!!! eeek) and then that night we had a bonfire and hayride. it was alot of fun.

It was sad to have to leave but its always nice to curl up in your own bed too.

We stopped sunday night in bettendorf to spend some quality time with "daddy". it was really nice. It seems rare that I get to spend un interupted time with him. Its usually me dropping off VAughn or him coming over before work for a few hours. I miss him alot. We have been discussing alot lately about what we want to do and where we will go from here. As much as i fight it sometimes, I just dont picture myself without him. Sigh...we will see i suppose.

We took VE to her 1 year appointment this morning. she had to get 4 shots :( I hate that for her. she just cried and looked at me like "moma make them stop!" It broke my heart! She has handled them well today though. I have given her tylonol and she is doing great. She is growing just great. 23 pounds and almost 31 inches long. They say she is still in the 90th percentile for weight and 97th for height. I feel like she is getting skinnier but maybe not. They also told us to try switching her to lactose free milk instead of her formula...SAD! My baby is growing up. This wont be a smooth transition though, I picked some up today and she HATES it, she wont even let me put it in her mouth and if she gets any she spits it out at me and cries. Poor thing! I'll keep working on it and if she wont take it I guess we'll have to go to soy milk....thats okay, its cheaper anyways. I guess we'll just transition slowly and do formula at night for a while. I still cannot beleive she is a year old!!!! Thats just crazy!

Tomorrow is supposed to be cold and rainy so i think we'll stay home and inside. i need to start organizing my things, selling things and taking inventory of what i will need to have packed for when I find my own place. I find that the longer I stay here the less independent I feel and the more I feel like a teenage mother instead of an adult with a child. Thats not good for me, for vaughn or for my parents. Now if only I could find a job!

Seriously?!?

Watching the debate....I am disgusted from what I see....

McCain is being arrogant, self rightous, caniving, lying, deciebtful, sarcatic, interuptive, obnoxious and finger pointing. I have to say that I can hardly stand listening to him anymore. He is too busy falsly quoting, telling everyone what obama is or is not going to do instead of answering his own questions....if he does answer, its beat around the bush and interwined around "what obama is going to do..." GRR...shut up already. Im so annoyed with him.


Everyone knows that I have not been completely sold on Obama either, but recently I have been impressed highly with his debates and his outlining of what he will do. I think he has done well at holding back when I am sure he wanted to do the "McCain, stupid annoyed smirk fake laugh." or say something about what McCain is or is not going to do (which he has done occasionally, but rarely) and instead he answers the questions directed at him and then lets McCain take the floor. I am impressed that he gives credit where credit is due (such as commeorating Palin on her accomplishments etc.) and that he does not feel the need to interupt or butt in just to be defensive whenever McCain is being degrading. The more I hear McCain the harder it is for me to sit through what he is saying.

I am not going to get into any more politics since I see the upheaval it has caused in my sweet sisters blog. I am independent, i do not vote based on party, but rather on the candidate and their proposed plans. No candidate does what they say, and I like many have struggled with this election. I was not against McCain in the beginning...in fact, I was leaning to him but as the debates progressed and the mud slinging commercials continued and i hear him getting meaner and blatently rude- I just cannot vote for such an immature person to be the president of the United States. I just cannot.

Happy Birthday Vaughn-elise!!!

I cannot believe it. I have said that all day, a million times. My sweet, precious tiny baby is ONE YEAR OLD! its exciting and sad all in one! I have been reminiscing all day and looking at pictures. She has changed so much. I am sooo blessed by her and her sweet crazy nature. She is the most amazing thing that has ever ever happened in my life and I just want her to always know how much I adore her, I want to be blessed with patience with her and as she grows I want her to always want to be close to me.

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to Vana, happy birthday to you!!! I love you to the moon and back a million times!!!!

I am SO excited for this weekend. We are going to Illinois for the annual color drive. Its beautiful and we have such a great time. There will be an absense this year as this was my grandpa's favorite..having all of his kids there, grandkids, the bonfire, the laguhter, the hayride. We miss him terribly. I was unable to go to the color drive last year as vaughn was just a teeny tiny little one. So i am extra excited this year. Great food, lots of family time, fun crafts, great weather, bonfires, hayrides...I cannot wait.

Vaughn will be one on Wednesday, this is a hard week for me...everytime I look at her I think "these are the last days of her being "not quite one" Its sad and exciting all in one. She's so much fun...I hope she does well on the ride to illinios. it is a long long drive and I am thinking of traveling solo this year with her. I am to the point where riding in the back of my parents car for 6 hours is the last thing I want to do and with all vaughn's travel things (stroller, pack n play, food stuff, toys, both our suitcases, etc.) it is alot to add into one small car with 4 peoples things. also, traveling around for the color drive would be better if we could spread out in my blazer vs. cramming in a small car. My hip just cannot do it anymore. Sitting in the car causes it to lock and ache....getting in and out is a major chore, especially if its in the backseat. So, the blazer has been a blessing on my hip but I do wish it wasnt such a gas guzzler.

I love this weather. The cold rainy days...we had the windows open all day and were bundled in comfy warm clothes...there's nothing like fall!!!

Happy Party Vaughn-elise

Today was Vaughn-elise's party. Its alot like Christmas, you plan and plan and plan and are so excited and in a few short hours its all over. I think it went very well and Vaughn had alot of fun playing and interacting with everyone. She was short on sleep but did very well. I was so proud of her. She was up alot tonight, pretty wired. Possibly from the cake? Who knows. She did not get to eat very much of it as I did not want her to have a belly ache but she did so good with it, she was very dainty about it and just picked things off and ate them. No smashing the cake in for Vaughn :) The video turned out AWESOME. I am so excited about it. I am thankful that Phillippe and Amanda are able to do such an awesome job at those so that in the years or days to come we can all look back and reflect on the memories. I want to be able to show Vaughn-elise that video and let her see how much we loved her and what songs reminded us of her. Thanks guys, for doing such a beautiful job with that!

She had family here from the Quad Cities that she had not seen in a long time. They could not believe how much she had grown. :) Not alot of her family Its amazing to look around that room and know that all these people love that girl to pieces. She is very blessed to have so many people in her life who adore her!

She got lots of fun gifts and we are going to stay busy writting thank you letters! Thanks to all of you who made her first birthday party very very special. It is a day i will never forget. I am cherishing these last few days of her being "not quite one". Next wednesday I wont be able to say that anymore!!! I love her to pieces. She is my world, my reason, my thoughts, my prayers, my love, my passion, my every tiny itty bitty little thing.

I love you Vaughn-elise and I hope you felt special today, even if you do not understand birthdays I do hope you felt the love in the room for you. My sweet sweet baby girl.

Reflection....

While Vaughn-elise is not yet one...her party is tomorrow and i am feeling the sadness and excitement of having a one year old. I do miss the baby days but i love love love who she is now. I can watch her or stare at her all day and just feel in complete awe that I am a mommy to a beautiful amazing, funny little girl. She is sick today, stuffies....wanting to snuggle all day. I hate that she is sick and love her wanting to snuggle. i am so lucky to get these days home with her! I realize she does not know its her party or that htis big day that we've been plannign for months is for her, but i want her to feel special, i want her to feel warm and loved and that its not just a normal day. I really hope people are not "fighting for her attention" and instead focus on giving her their attention. This day is about her and often when people dont see kiddos for a long time they tend to make the day about them instead. I hate that. She has lots and lots of people who love her. She's alucky lady to have them all want to be there and share the day with her. Her gift finally came in and i am going to wait and give it to her on her birthday. I want to do something special with her that day. Though i am nto sure what I will come up with on a non existant budget:) My sister and phillippe are working on her birthday video. I am so excited to see it but am pretty sure I will bawl. I am so lucky to have a baby with such a strong personality, she's so girly and loving and sensitive and I just love her to pieces. Everynight I pray that God only allows me to speak kind words to her, that he helps me to be cautious of how i respond to her and how I react to her...I beg him to give me patience with her when I feel I am out and I thank him every minute for her. I never want her to feel hurt, shame, saddness or pain and while i cannot keep her from ever feeling these thigns, I hopefulyl can prevent her from feeling them because of me. ....

Anyways, thanks to all of you who will be there. We are so lucky to have you celebrate such a memorable special day with our daughter.

sick birthday girl:)

Today has been nuts. Vaughn-elise is sick. Not throwing up, just really really runny nose and VERY cranky. She was up from 3-8 and has slept off and on all day...but only if i am holding her. i sure hope she feels better by her party tomorrow!!! Poor girl. SHe wont have any fun if she feels like this! i have a Lia Sophia show tonight for a friend and no one to watch my sick girl so she will be going with me, we'll see how that goes.

good witch or bad witch

The candy lover!

We've been reading books about pumpkins a hundred times a day so she was very interested in them....more so in throwing them.

This witch knows how to shake it!

Mom! Look what I have!!! Can you believe it!!??

Vaughn elise did sooo great today at her pictures. i could not have been more proud of her. She even went without a nap and still did great. They were only her halloween pictures and I will schedule her actual one year's for next wednesday on her actual birthday. WE took along a pumpkin bucket with some candy (all wrapped and she got to eat none of it) but i think she could "taste/smell" it through the wrapper and she was in heaven. There was a series of maybe 10 pictures where she was sucking on this thing of M&Ms and she was in this complete daze. It was hillarious. Rudy said "yeah yeah, chocolate will do that to a women." Too funny. We ended up buying WAY more than intended. they have this package deal at portrait innovations that is like 10 bucks and you get a ton of pictures, but only one pose....impossible. Especially for a picture lover. WE always spend 10-15 times that amount but those are priceless pictures in my opinion. (though we always have a TON left over.) I still havent passed around her nine month pictures! oops...its so hard to choose though. Rudy always says "I dont know, your the photo major- just choose." But you cant. When its your child they are all good. off center, weird look on their face, crazy hair, it doesnt matter....you love them all...and buy most of them! I will post one here so you all can get a feel. too cute.

We met aunt mimi , gabs and Andre (which she now says...annn-de) at the park and got some energy out. There were lots of bees though, and it was muddy so we ended up coming back up to the house and playing together instead.

I ordered VE's birthday present 6 days ago. I paid for 2 day shipping and its STILL not here!! GRRRRR.... oh well, maybe I will just give it to her on her actual birthday instead of Saturday.

Getting excited about her party!! WHOOP WHOOP.

Deep Breath...

Thats how I feel today, i just keep having to remind myself to breathe. I went into town this morning realizing I had nothing to wear to the interview I had at 4. Came home, fed Vaughn, put her down for her nap (long drawn out process for some reason today- she was just really sad and didnt want anything but to be held. I cant complain about that. ) So, then while she napped I got ready and when I got out of the shower, she was screaming hysterically...she must have been scared or something. It broke my heart. She just cried and cried. I eventually got her back to sleep and she slept for only a short while, then it was time to take her to aunt mimis to go to my interview. The interview went well. Though, I secretly hope I dont get the job. Though everyone i know is discouraging my finding a way to stay home with her (why would anyone discourage a mom staying home with her baby as long as she can make money while doing it??????!!!!!) I would (I know I have mentioned this thousands of itmes) get my own place, stay home with VE and take in a few extra kids during the day. I WANT TO RAISE MY OWN DAUGHTER. I do not want someone else doing it for me. I am LOVING this time at home with her. She's so precious....so sweet.....so sneaky:) Then I had to quickly get my thigns gathered as I am teaching a digital photography class in WDM. LEave it to me to leave all of my printing to the last minute. My parents wont change thier ink on the computer. WHo knows why but there has been no ink in there for months. So, last minute- running late I rush into kinkos. Its pitch black in there. The power was out. So I rush to the library- couldnt download things onto their computers so I had to search the library (with ten minutes til class started) for someone who would pull up my email on their personal computer and print them out for me. Luckily I found someone. I was hoping to be at class early since I didnt know where I was going, nor did anyone whow as enrolled int he class so I was hoping to get there early enough to figure out where the room was and put up sings. I didnt, needless to say.

I was sad I missed the debate. It probably would have stressed me out even more, but I still dont know who to vote for...if anyone. I really dont like either candidate. I agree mostly with obama's ideas but part of me worries about voting for him too...im just uneasy about it but i really really dislike mccain. I am sooooo sick of hearing him talk about being a POW. playing the sympathy card will not make him a good president. I dont know...its a big responsiblity and i just dont know who to vote for. Why cant oprah be president? haha. Id vote for her.

Tomorrow we get Vaughn's pictures taken. hopfully. Of course they are scheduled in them middle of her nap so we'll see how she does.

PS My car has officailly been in the shop for 6 weeks. I am soooo irritated. I wish my dad would give me the guys number so i could call and rip him one. Its rediculous. He's playing the sympathy card too and Im sick of it. I need my car gosh darnit!!!!

ragged...

Thats how I feel today. I thought the day after losing my job would be just fantastic. But as the day goes on I feel like my energy is less than average. Vaughn woke up at 6:30 ish. I gave her a bottle, snuggled, fed her breakfast, played, went on a 30 minute walk (refreshing and somehting I will try to do everyday...) then came in, played, tried for 2 hours almost to get her to take her morning nap, she fell asleep for about 15-20 minutes then was back up, rudy came over, we went to lunch here at a little cafe in town (that was nice) then I thought I would go into town to try to get some needed things (something for pictures on sunday, vaughns birthday gifts, a few other things...) WRONG. We stopped first to see my dad at the office. She did great but I could tell she wanted to nap...now, of course, she wants to nap....so i head to old navy. Let me tell you about old navy for a minute. I love that place...when I am alone. it is NOT made for strollers and the clothes are ALL too close together (little hands can easily grab both sides of the stroller/cart and pull tons of stuff down, the dressing rooms are the WORST...cemement floors, barely big enough for one person let alone one and half, the floors are filty dirty full of crud and dust, there is a foot and a half opening from the ground to the door and it makes the perfect crawl spot for my daughter. I HATE them. I always have, even before I had a child..now its just worst. So I thought Id try it, knowing full well before I went in that this was a bad idea. Got undressed and vaughn was already trying to crawl out the stupid hole under the door. So there I am butt naked bending down repeatedly telling her no, pulling her back, standing her up, telling her no, all over again. I got one shirt on and she fell and wacked her poor head on the cement floor...this was followed by at least a solid ten minutes of crying and screaming....poor girl...poor me. There I am sweating bullets, just wanting to leave and she's such a mess I cannot even get dressed again. I was in the dressing room probably 15 minutes and only tried on one stinking shirt. I got dressed and walked out, hair a mess, clothes muffled, dust all over vaughn from crawling on the floor, and told the lady "This is not a childproof place, I will be back when I am alone." She just looked at me like " lady, you need a vacation!" Vaughn is really good normally but when she is tired she is tired right now. FRUSTRATING! So I didnt get ONE SINGLE THING DONE that I wanted to do....so another trip tomorrow has to be made....hopefully I can convince gma and gpa to watch her for a few hours while I get some stuff done.
What a crummy day. She's asleep now and I bet she will be for a long time since she really hasnt slept all day. I think I ll rest too...blah.

Unemployed

So...today was bitter sweet. I was officially laid off. I knew it was coming. The company has gone from 119employees to 22 and I knew it was just a matter of time. It was sad to leave my good friends that I have made there (and really, they are amazing.) But it was nice to finally not have to be sick to my stomach each time there was a lay off day, wondering if it was going to be me. This time I knew. I was okay with it. It will be nice to spend some time home with VE and I am just hoping I can make some money. I have already applied for unemployment and should get my first check next week. I am very ready for something new,...though starting over is always a challenge. I have ajob interview next week. Not sure its something I am interested in, but it might be a good oppertunity. While I am looking, I will enjoy my time home with Vaughn-elise. My precious precious time with her that I have been longing for for so long now.

What I would really like to do is move out (nows not the time right?:) and get my own place, and have an in home day care (in apartment daycare maybe) I know of alot of people who are looking and it would allow me to stay home all day wiht Vaughn-elise. Then, if i had to pick up a few evening hours somewhere, i wouldnt feel guilty since i would be home with her all day. its a tough call....is this the time to pursu what i would love to do...to grasp this sweet time with her that i will never get back?? or should I look hard for a job and be miserable but make more money? Its such a difficult call...and there's no saying i would make more money.

I was pleased with my COBRA benefits that I have as an option. The company has to allow me to keep my current benefits until 10/1/2010!!!! thats awesome. And what i would be paying is only a tiny amount (if any) more than waht i am paying now....though I dont notice it now because i do not actually see it, it just comes out of my check...but still, i was thinking i would have to pay 500-1000 or more for my health issues. So that was abig relief...

I think it will be okay. I am feeling good about it. Ask me tomorrow when it sinks in a little more.


P.S. What did everyone think of the debate. i only got in on the last half but i thought it was great. i think both parties held their ground and I was impressed with both sides....though im still not sure i like either one of them.

Family time...

This evening has been great! My dear, sweet grandma and grandpa kinney came up and are staying the night. it is not often enough that i get to see them and they have only seen Vaughn-elise one time. It breaks my heart that she will not know her great grandparents as well as I would like her to. They just adore their grandchildren and great grandchildren to pieces. It is terribly sad to watch them age and to see their bodies and minds turn frail. i want so badly to preserve their minds, the moments they lived are ones I would love to see on video. When we were little we would go stay with them alot in the summer and we always loved it. I hope that those memories never fade in my mind. My grandma is becoming forgetful and it breaks me to hear her repeat the same thing over and over. it breaks my heart that her beautiful mind is worn out. My grandfathers body is wearing out, years of hard work and dedication to his farm and his country have worn on him. he is so sensitive these days and gets emotional about us grandkids each time he see's us. Thats hard to watch. I wonder what he thinks about. Does he wonder if he will see us again? Does he wonder what our childrens children will be like? Does he think about what we will be like at his age? I know they love us dearly and we love them dearly as well. it is so sad that we only live an hour away and yet only see them a few times a year. i need to make the effort to go down there more often. I know those are the days and memories i will forever cherish.
My grandpa Kinney and my grandpa wayne had the same birthday. October 8th. We celebrated early tonight with my grandpa with cake and ice cream. I know he appreciated it. I trully wish my grandpa wayne was here to celebrate his birthday as well. i miss him. alot. i think about him daily. I always thought that death or the ache gets easier with time. It doesnt though. I think you learn to supress the pain in order to move forward with life but the pain never trully lessens. you still long for that person, for their laugh, their scent, their smile, their hugs, seeing them, hearing them, kissing them, touching them. You still feel that incredible ache in your chest when you want them near. I do not know how my grandma functions day in and day out with that pain. Living in the same house that they shared all those years. Seeing all of his things. While i feel it comforts her to be surrounded by him and his life she must just weep with longing to have him walk through that front door. I know we all miss weep in absense of him.
We love you...gma and gpa kinney, gma margaret and gpa wayne. You are all trully trully special amazing wonderful people and we love you to the stars.