I cant believe Christmas is over! It always seems like there is such abuild up and then, the next day- its gone. Its sad!! We had a great time this year though- seeing everyone, all the family, it being Vaughn-elise's first Christmas made it extra special. Although im not sure she felt well- she did pretty good.
We are going to the Quad Cities this weekend since we didnt go last and it is taking all i have to get everything ready- here and to leave. Vaughn is not sleeping well- at all really and its definetly taking its toll on me. We take turns staying up with her, rocking her, singing, feeding- nothing seems to work. when she doesnt sleep- neither do i and I am definetly not a person who can go on little to no sleep! Im a big grouch lately. I have taken her to the doctor and they say there is nothing wrong- but i know that she's not acting right....so Im taking her to a different doctor to get it figured out.

I am getting SOOO excited for my sister to have her baby boy!!! I really cant believe its only a couple weeks away.... I cant wait to see him. I cant wait to know what he looks like, smells like, how he acts, does he have hair? How big is he? I think about it all the time. I am so excited for Vaughn to have a cousin (2 really) so close to her age.

I am still waiting to hear back about this job. I thought it was a for sure thing- apparently i missunderstood and they are still interviewing. They will have their decision made by friday afternoon-I am just anxious to know- if I am not goign to work there, I HAVE to find something else!!! Its really stressful!!! Just pray that whatever i am supposed to do is shown to me. It will be a BIG relief to know what is going to be happenign job wise!

A cup of holiday cheer...

Rudy opening his HBO series one of weeds....

She wasnt quite sure about the unicorn...

But soon found it quite the snuggly sleep partner....

Mama in her new wrap with a snoozing baby girl snuggled in and an overlooking unicorn...named lil lona

I cant believe its the day before Christmas eve. Actually, only an hour and a half before. This year it hasnt seemed like Christmas until- well, up until now. Its weird for me to feel that way as usually i feel "christmasy" around october:) Maybe its part of growing up or maybe its part of a stressful time in my life. Either way, im glad i am feeling the cheer now. We were supposed to go to the QuadCities for Christmas with rudy's family this weekend, however, they were all sick and with the weather the way it was- vaughn and i stayed home. Rudy went ahead and went (as some of my presents were there and he felt the need to go home and see family as he wont be with them on thier actual christmas celebration which they do on chrismtas eve night.)

This morning i went to church with vaughnie and the holiday music is always so magical. I really hope she has the same "magic" assosciated with this time of year as i do. Its something priceless. We went back to my parents and spent the afternoon hanging o ut with the whole family- looking at recipes, baking, preparing for Chrismtas eve and Christmas day. I think thats what got me in the holiday mood. SOmething about being home always does it for me. I think thats part of the reason i have struggled this year- not being home as much as i would like.

Rudy made it home safetly and we decided that with the hustle and bustle of tomorrow and him working- me being at my grandparents and then staying the night to morrow night at my parents and spending all of Christmas day there- that we would do our gift exchange tongiht with vaughn and each other. She slept most of the way through it, but thats okay, it was nice to just hang out with each other. Apparently all my gifts have not arrived so next weekend at his families, i will have more from him. My absolute favorite thing is the green chennile wrap i recieved from him..i think EVERYONE should have one. Its so luxurious and warm. Vaughnie just loved snuggling up to it. I have a feeling i will never take it off. (and may just order ten more in every color:)

Rudy got vaughnie this adorable multi colored stuffed unicorn and its so sweet. Its nice to see him think of her and think of things he would like her to have,

I am really excited about tomorrow- seeing family- enjoying food. But even more so, i am very excited about Christmas. I just love all of the family traditions. I think it would be neat to see a book of everyone I know and thier family holiday traditions. I think its such a wonderful thing and sucha personal thing for each family.

Anyways, Im babbling.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!!!

two sighs of relief...

#1. Last night wasnt nearly as bad as i had anticipated. Vaughnie slept alot in the early evening and with tylonol was in a suprisingly great mood. She was smiling and laughing like the little angel i know her to be. At night however, she was up and about pretty much all night. She mostly just cat napped- thirty minutes here, an hour there, but really- didnt sleep for any stretch of time. she wasnt even hungry. Sometimes she just needed rocked, sometimes she would wake up and just be talking to herself and laughing and "playing" with her hands. Even though i know she's okay when she's awake and not hungry- i still cant sleep. But, she's been asleep all morning now. I think the little stinker has her days and nights mixed up. We will have to work on this...:)

#2 I am OFFICIALLY DONE SHOPPING. I bet you never thought you'd hear me say that was a relief huh? But this year, its just a lot more difficult to get her out in the cold and in and out of stores etc. It was fun while it lasted, but i (as well as my check book) am glad to be done shopping:)

So tonight its off to LaJames to get pampered by maria:)

2 month checkup...

Today was a rough day in our household. Vaughnie had her 2 month checkup...this means, shots. I think it was harder for me than her- i couldnt sleep last night thinking about it. I just cant believe she has now felt pain for the first time. If oucld have had her go without them, i would have. In fact, i thought about canceling the apt just to postpone the pain for her... but i know she needs them and they will help keep her healthy. That not to say i didnt cry when she got them- because i did. Maybe harder than her even. She did good- she cried but calmed down shortly afterwards. She has been asleep ever since she got them but they said to expect that. Poor sweet girl- never did anything to that mean nurse and then she got stabbed three times!

On a lighter note- I had my interview today for WPNT. it went well- i got offered the job and have to let them know in a few days if i want it. It sounds good, and it will be nice to have an income- but its just hard adjusting the thought of going back to work. Im going to miss my baby!!!

Tomorrow we are going in for a spa day to help out matt's girlfriend maria with some credits she needs to graduate from la james. I m not sure yet what all we are getting done but it should be a good time.

Holiday Crazies.

I really believe that holidays bring out the best AND worst in people. When we are home by the fire, the best...when we are out in the insane crowds shopping and getting hit in the ankles with carts and being cut off by crazy moms in mini vans- the absolute worst. I use to get some sort of sick thrill of being in the middle of the mall with fifty thousand other crazy shoppers all searching for the same thing. It used to be an adrenaline rush. Now i think people who enjoy are slightly ill. :)
I took vaughn out shopping today (on her two month birthday by the way) forgetting what it was like. See, im one of those women who are usually nearly done by Thanksgiving...and now i remember why. Sweet vaughnie did AMAZING....she didnt wake up one time. I dont know how she could sleep through all the noise and music and lights...but she did. I am blessed for that because i think a screaming baby may have put me over the edge. After driving around the mall parking lot for 30 minutes, i not only realized how crazy i was, but that i really hated this part of the holidays.
I met rudy in town to go to target and them met up with my brother, maria and kendal and her friend. We went to dinner and all had a good time hanging out.
All in all it was an EXHAUSTING day and I am realizing that NOTHING in that mall is worth dealing with that mess ever again. I will do online ordering or stick to target. Ba Humbug.

Is it meant to be??

Today has been both really good and really difficult. I have been praying alot about the whole going back to work thing. I really really cant imagine leaving my angel...not for two hours let alone all day. Everytime i think of it, i get sick to my stomach. She is just so little and well, she's my angel. I just cant imagine missing her first step or her first crawl or her first word- I want to be there for everything and i dont want her to ever feel like i abandoned her or left her or chose work over her or anything. It makes me so incredibly sad when i think about it. Truthfully, i wish I didnt have to go back, that i could stay home with her and I could teach her things and snuggle her and be the only person she goest o when she's sad or upset. I want to always be the one to comfort her. I want her to know that she is such a blessing to me and that she is the most important thing to me. Someone said the other day- "its money or time with your baby and there comes a point where you have to decide what is most important." I cant stop thinking about that. OF COURSE, she is the most important thing. And if i felt we could survive without me going back to work, i would stay home in a heartbeat. I know she didnt mean to make me feel bad, but it really did. I just know that the only way we can survive and the only responsible thing for me to do at this point is to go back to work, pay off some debt, get a savings built up and eventually (God willing) I can stay home with her. I always thought i wuold want to be a working mom. I thought i would be bored staying at home...but now that i have her, i cant imagine going back. I only have two weeks left with her before i will have to do somehting.

Last night, while shopping with my oh-so- in- labor sister, she got a phone call from Phillippe and he told her that one of his cliets was looking for an admin assistant. and asked if he knew anyone that would be a good fit. He mentioned my name and her and i spoke today. It sounds like the job is mine if i want it. The p ay is more than double anything i have ever made before and the job seems perfect, flexible, potential to make alot of money, a great atmosphere....the only thing is that it now feels very real that i will have to leave her. before i htink i was pretending that I could just stay at home. I didnt have a job lined up so i could pretend i wasnt ever going to have one.
I am lucky that rudy doesnt go to work til noon and i can get off at 3:30 so she will be with her parents most of the day- but she will still be away from me , her momma for 8 hours- i cant make my heart be okay with that.
We have a really amazing family friend whom i have talked to about taking her part time. She said this would work out and i feel trully blessed to have her be the one to watch vaughnie. the only next best thing to being a stay at home mom is having someone that you know loves your child and has their best interest at heart to watch them. I think if i had to take her to a center- i would just fade away. I know that millions of moms go to work every day...i just think it must be the hardest thing a mom ever has to do. You are all blessed who are in financially secure situations and can stay home with your babies. Thanks barb for taking away some of the stress of leaving my girly. I know she will be in good hands.

Anyways, all ngiht i have been a bawling mess. Rudy keeps assuring me that she wont feel abandoned or unloved and that i will have a harder time than her. I know this is true- i just cant get over it. Pray that my heart feels at ease about going back to work and i have a sense of peace about it.

Whats so funny?

Lately, vaughn elise has been making the cutest, funniest noises. She is learning to "mock" the pitch of your voice. Granted, she has to be in the mood- but if we talk in different pitches she will do the same. Its hillarious and she gets so excited that her hands start flailing and her feet are a kickin. Its adorable. She's so much fun.

She was perfect yesterday on the way to iowa city and even when we were at the doctors and then shopping. She just took it all in. We got to stop at the new carters outlet store in Williamsburg which was the highlight of the trip for me. I just love Carters stuff. If your ever over there , its a great store wtih AMAZING deals. Most things were under ten dollars.

I cant believe Christmas is only 12 days away. It really doesnt feel like it to me for some reason. Its starting to- but normally at this time, i can hardly sleep at night. I am excited, but oddly overwhelmed by it. Maybe because i havent started shopping. I think trying to incorporate both sides (rudy's and mine) is a bit of a stress. I want to be able to be here the weekend before christmas and do holiday baking and go to church etc but instead we are going to the quad cities. Its a long way in the cold. We also foudn out that rudy gets off of work at 2 pm on Christmas eve. This is not enough time for him to come with me to the Kinney side of the family and that makes it hard. I want him to see all of her first christmas's with all the families.

This weekend we are all going to be at my parents. The whole gang. Matt and Maria are comign back to watch the Christmas play and then we are doing a dinner and then (hopefully) decorating Christmas cookies. I am going to try to make them up fri/sat so they will be good to go on sunday. I cant wait:)

Oh Boy!!!

I must have taken too long to get her in the bathtub after stripping her down. I was talking to rudy and all of a sudden as he started laughing hysterically, i felt a VERY warm sensation on my shirt...it was hillarious. And she just smiled.

We both needed a bath after that!

Baby, it's cold outside...

and inside too....brrr. I woke up this morning and looked outside and much to my surprise, I couldnt see anything but white! I knew it was supposed to storm, but my word!! Rudy stayed home again today- still not feeling up to par and not willing to risk the tretcherous road in his tiny little car. I dont blame him. I think he enjoys being home more than he is willing to admit and said today..."this was a really nice long weekend. Im glad we all got to hang out." If you know rudy, he rarely says things like that. Little vaughn is off and on. Still not feeling great but seems to be okay as long as she's being snuggled. Although, sometimes that doesnt even do it.
I have a doctors apt in Iowa City tomorrow. My parents are going along to do some Christmas shopping- and i didnt want to take vaughnie out in this by myself. I think i will have them check her ears and throat to make sure she's okay.

We finally got the insurance money to come through so i will actually be able to start Christmas shopping- which im excited for. Ill have to do it fast though as its fast approaching.

I am so excited for the church christmas play on sunday. It always makes me feel really "holidayish." I just love it.

It's been so chilly looking outside that its been wonderful to be able to stay inside and snuggle up with a warm blanket and be able to appreciate that i have a warm place to be. Rudy stayed home sick today (I dont think he's ever done this before in his life.) I think he has a touch of the flu. Vaughn also doesnt feel her best. My mom thinks its her ears, i think its either that or her throat. She is just struggling to sleep and cant seem to get satisfied. She is taking her first "nap" of the day, now at 10 at night. Poor girl. One thing is good though, we got her pooping under control. She is now a regular pooper!! We are so proud of her for that:) Its such a blessing not to have her be in so much pain anymore. IT really was breaking my heart.
She has her big 2 month check up on the 17th and i am terrified...she has to get shots and i know im going to want to kill the person who does it!
WE have spent all day snuggling and i have just loved every minute of it. My sweet mom brought over a bunch of groceries tonight. What a blessing. I really do appreciate these sweet things that my parents do. They are always putting others first. I hope i can show that in my own life.

There is supposed to be another crazy storm tonight. WHile i love this and it really makes the holidays when its all white and gorgeous outside, I also dread it some as i know i cant be getting out and about. I alwyas worry we will run out of something (like formula) and not be able to go get it. Luckily we dont live out in the boonies and can usually escape the house if needed. Be safe all!

Sweet tooth

Last night was the Holiday Cookie Exchange for the church. It was hosted at my moms house and we had a lot of fun! Not only was there an amazing array of wonderful, rich, holiday cookies but also a wonderful warm fire and lot of great conversation. I love get togethers and this time of year they always seem so much better. Anyone who knows me knows how much i get into the "gift giving" part of the season. I know and enjoy very much the true reason for the holiday but it has alwyas, since I can remember been something i throughly enjoy- shopping and wraping and giving something to someone that they really love. This year, with money being pretty much non existant, i have found myself, more than ever, enjoying the priceless moments, like getting together w ith friends, baking, chrismtas songs, decorating and just enjoying a good evening inside from the cold. I have always loved these things and cherished them, but I need to make them more traditions than we have in the past.

I alwyas love being at my parents this time of year as well. Ever since i went away to college i realized how there is no place like home this time of year. The house has so many great holiday memories and the tree always looks gorgeous and the fire is so cozy. Its irreplaceable. We always spend so much time baking and giving away goodies and i really miss being there for all of that.

Today, we are going to meet up with Rudy's neice who is in town coaching a debate team. I dont want to get vaughn-elise out in the cold but they have yet to meet and we need to run a few errands in town anyways.

Next week is a busy one and we will be making a trip to Iowa City for a doctors apt. This weekend though, i will enjoy the plan free time and just stay warm and cozy. Be safe!

let it snow.

After reading my sisters blog, I opened the blinds and i couldnt believe my eyes, i just got home a few hours ago and already the cars are covered with snow, the gorgeous, fluffy, want to eat it kind of snow!! I just love this winter wonderland. Its never as great the next day when its been driven on and is all brown and sloshy, but today, i get to love this!! We live on the ground level, (half undergrown really) so the snow is blowing up against the windows and its fun for me to pretend we're snowed in. I have always wanted to be really snowed in, not just school canceled, but the kind of snow my parents got, where you had to walk on fence posts and couldnt open the front door kind of snowed in:)

I am baking cookies today for the cookie exchange tomorrow. The house is full of the smells of baking and cinnamon candles. The christmas tree is lit and my angel is sleeping. I am perfectly content. i love this time of year!!! I am so excited to be able to enjoy it with vaughn in a few years when she can help me bake holiday goodies and we can go sledding and caroling. I am so excited for that!

Christmas Party

Last night, i went with Rudy to his ING Christmas pary. It was at "In Play" the arcade downtown. The place was huge and the people all had fun but what a weird place for a Christmas party. I was the most dressed up person there- by far. and i was wearing jeans!
It was fun though, but hard to leave my sweet girl for that long. Good thing i have parents who are willing to watch her so I can worry that much less. Everyone at the party was asking about her so it was nice to know that Rudy talks about her when he's not with us.
The people he works with were really nice and it was good to be able to put faces with the people he talks about. i personally didnt play many games, just sat around with one of rudy's friends wife and watched people climb the rock wall. I still had a good time though.

Vaughn is really impressing me lately with all of her cooing and smiling. I am anxious for her first laugh. I do wish we would have won the video camera that they gave away last night as i would love to be able to tape those moments. I will just have to save up to get one as i am sure it will be more than worth it. I still cant believe Christmas is only 20 days away. Those days will go fast as i have a doctors apt in IC next week and vaughn-e has hers the next week and im hoping to do baking and i still havent bought ONE gift yet. For those of you who know me, this is sad as i am usualy well on my way to being done by thanksgiving. I guess when your broke, your alot less anxious to go shopping.

The drama with my insurance money is finally ( I hope) coming to an end and that will also help some with chrismtas (as well as catching up on bills!). Its been a headache to say the least but i think i finally got people moving with it.Many lessons learned!

I hear its supposed to snow storm today. I am excited. It still doesnt feel like the holidays to me without it. I could never live in warm weather areas or id never get in the mood!
I am just hoping we are all home safe before it hits. Be safe and enjoy the blustery day!

Late Night...

Rudy started his new hours today- which is already making for a long day. i cant imagine what it will be like the longer it goes on. He is now working til 9 pm. I hate it.
I went to the doctor today for my 6 week checkup. (its actually 7 weeks today, but who's counting right) After my apt i went to my sisters to hang out for a while. Its always nice just to get in some sisterly girl time. She's the best sister and friend i could ever ask for and i always feel better when i leave there. She was even awesome enough to let me stay for dinner- which was super good by the way! She is a really good cook. She claims she cant bake- so i take care of the baking and since i cant really cook, she takes care of that. WE balance each other out i guess:)

I cant believe how icy our parking lot is. It was a challenge walking with a diaper bag in one hand and a car seat in the other. All ic ould think about was "what if i fall? I wont be able to catch myself and iwill drop heron the ice." It is no longer just a get up and go and look out for yourself on the ice sort of a thing. I think we will stay in alot these next couple weeks.

I have put in for a job at a place other than where i was working- i just need a change and someplace with more family based hours. I havent heard back but am hopign something works out even if its not there. I still would love to work from home and am hoping and confident that someday i will be able to, but for now, i need to except that at this juncture in my life, i just cant and i need to be happy for whatever job and income i have and wait for the time when i can do those things like stay at home and work. I just still cant imagine leaving my angel!!!

Little Andre is coming in just a few short weeks. I cant believe it!!! I am SUPER excited. THe time has flown so fast but i cant wait for holidays when its the two girls and the little man. It will be such a fun time! The family sure is growing and i always thought i would find this uncomfortable and sad that its not just "the core" anymore, but its so amazing and wonderful! What a blessing these babes are!!! Hurry Andre- we love you to pieces already and cant wait to see you and hug you and give you all our love!!

Baby, its cold outside!

I had the best nights sleep last night!! I told Rudy that i deserved a full nights rest and i got it! He took care of vaughn when she woke up her first time at 2 and then the sweet angel slept until 7:30! We were then up for good. Rudy had to go out in the bitter cold to get his car from the carshop and while he was gone he went grocery shopping and brought home breakfast. I cooked and he played with vaughn. It was alot of fun. This afternoon we put up the tree. For some reason none of the lights i have were working so i had to rearrange some other decor to put lights on the tree...it still looks sparse but hopefuly i can add more later. Its great to have a tree. Someday i hope to get a big fancy one but for now, this will work. Everyone else in the house is sleeping and I am just sitting by the tree, listening to Christmas toons, watching the snow fall and t hinking (yes, just thinking) about cleaning. But first i shall take a cinnimon buns bubble bath and relax. Its a good day for it!