Somedays...life is hard

Doesnt that about sum it all up?  Right there. Somedays....life is just plain stinking too hard. Whether its finding the $ to pay an overdue bill, deciding what to have for dinner or, as in my case tonight watching your child melt to the floor after sitting by the doorway for over an hour waiting for her daddy to come pick her up...only to discover he's not coming....again. The pain of that moment is scarred into me for a lifetime. The pain of the questions about "why did he say that if he didn't mean it?" or "why doesn't he want to see me anymore?" (its been more than 2 weeks with several of these moments. No one deserves that pain, let alone a child.  Disappointment has to be one of the worst pains we all feel. So many times our disappointments are small and daily and they add up into something subconsciously disappointing in the long run...but some...some are just too big and too painful to not immediately leave a scar. My failed marriage, the disappointment of my husband chosing another woman over me repeatedly, the lonliness of endless nights in bed alone the lonliness of not having someone to just call or spend time with and  never knowing if there will be an end to that or not, but the look on my daughters face, the tears down her cheek and the cry unlike her others was a disappointment felt so deep in my heart that it trumps all other disappointment I have ever seen or felt. Her precious, loving, trusting heart was broken tonight- truly  broken for the first time. That is a pain a mom never forgets. There she sat as the clock ticked away, in her sweet little shoes, holding her bag of stuff she wanted to take and her blanket, all ready. I kept saying "common now, lets read a book...." or "lets watch a show" or "help mommy fold clothes"....but she wanted to wait for her daddy....she was so excited. Before she went to bed tonight she went over to the bag of things she had prepared to take (her dolly, her elly, her lamby, and a picture she drew for him, of him) and she took the drawing out and tore it into pieces and then walked into bed with tears in her eyes. How does one's heart hold so much pain? How does it not seep from our pores? How do we survive the pains of the day- let alone lifetimes of resentment, regret, heartache, feelings of not good enough-never enough-too insecure-too fat-not pretty enough-not worthy enough-not enough to come pick me ups? How? when the pain is so bad you want to throw up, how do you pick up life and pack it away and put it on a shelf and learn how to swallow again?

What a Weekend!

This weekend was JAMMED PACKED full of family time and things I love. Saturday was my Grandpa Don's farm Auction. It was a beautiful day- with a huge turnout and lots of family time. It was so very sad for me to be there, to see all his things go and to see the saddness of my sweet grandma. Her confusion that day about things seemed with an angry tone and that was so very difficult. It breaks my heart into millions seeing her in that light. That night I had a shoot and then CRASHED! Today was busy with Church, a shoot, getting together with the whole fam for alittle birthday celebration. It was great. Ice cream Cake to boot! (Cant eat the ice cream but the cake was divine.) and tonight I got to spend time with a great friend that I have not talked to in a minute. Some people are not worth letting out of your life. They are worth the effort to keep them around and when they feel the same way- its a great thing, a precious feeling. Some pics of the auction...ALOT Of pics...skip them if you dont care! I have more but will add later.

Vaughn-elise with her Gma Mickie and Great Grandma Bev. Sweet.

The Auctioneer talking to my gma and uncles.

Me, My grandma Bev and Vaughn-elise

Grandma Bev and her three boys. Dad, Uncle Brad, Uncle Greg

My cousin David was in charge of grilling all the food. What a trooper. It was HOT out.

Cousin Dusty and Gma

Dad and Matt

These chains were so rusty and neat. I wanted to buy them but didnt know what I'd use them for!

Gma has a pear tree...the kids fell in love.

So many grand memories on this swingset (or one similar, I dont think its the same one- but in the same location:))

a shared link:

http://www.clayinhishands.com/2011/08/girls-ruffled-t-shirt-skirt-tutorial.html

This is the cutest upcycled ruffle skirt EVER and I want to learn how to make clothes for V. Can you imagine all the posibilities? AND Money saved?

Its in the small stuff

I am bad at getting into a routine or a groove. I will admit it. I am not a creature of habit. I get bored, restless, uneasy when things remain in the same order all the time. I am a go go go go go person and find comfort in always having something to do, something to plan, something going on. But one of the "routine" things we do is find time each week to hit a library. Dallas County is BLESSED to have such amazing libraries. We went to waukee's for the first time the other day and while the workers are rude and unfriendly, the library itself has a kick butt childrens section. Adel's does too but the book selection is much more user friendly in the Waukee's. I am excited to try their story time but we will be hitting Adel's often too once story time starts. We LOVE the staff at Adel. I got Vaughn her first book on CD to listen to in the car...she LOVED it. Why didnt I think of this before? I loved them when we were little (only they made me carsick) and she adores them. I have to get more because I have listened to this one "The Relatives" over 20 times in a couple of days. I went onto Amazon and found some for $1.99-3.99. I only ordered one right now and will see what she thinks, but if she continues to love them this is a GREAT birthday/Christmas idea for her! (and me ;))  I know that VE needs more of a routine and I can tell that by her daily changes in mood and constant questioning about what we're doing next so I think I will make something a little more concrete and still "schedule in" some busy time for us. She likes to be going and likes change too...so we'll still have to mix it up.

I would love any ideas on things to do with your kids that are free/cheap and even recipes/ideas for kitchen fun (she loves this). 

The fall is going to be JAMMED PACKED With things going on and I cannot wait for all the fun and excitement and cooler weather. I cannot wait!!!! We're all ready for you fall! Bring it on!!! 

Random

Its quiet here tonight. My goal while Rudy had Vaughn was to go for a run-however, instead I sat down and ate 2 bowls of green bean casserole. Now I dont feel like Running. Bummer ;) Maybe tomorrow. I had a Thirty-One show tonight, made some good money and got another booking so that was super nice. I am trying to catch up on cleaning and editing but keep getting distracted. I am tired. I am broke. I am restless. I am blessed. I am curious. I am in need of finding a new place to live at the end of September. I am nervous about that. I am hoping we get to the fair tomorrow. I am missing Vaughn-elise tonight. She's precious. I am watching a Dooney and Bourke special on QVC. I am sorry, but their purses are soo ugly. Ugh. I am going to try to be productive. What 27 year old sits home on the couch watching a home shopping show, eating green bean casserole on a Friday night? I suck.

feeling...

dis·con·tent

not content;  dissatisfied; discontented.

a restless desire or craving for something one does not have. 

Synonyms =uneasiness, inquietude, restlessness, displeasure.

******

This is how I feel today. Not sure why. I feel like while my business is staying steady, it may never be enough to get me where I need to be in my life and while I do not want to get another job- I might have to very soon, at least part time to supplement. Depressing. 

I am feeling like if my own husband did not want to keep me around how/why is anyone else ever going to? And if they do, will I ever be able to trust another person enough that it doesnt push them away with my constant questioning, doubting and insecurities? Will I ever want anyone else and have them think i am worth it....

Will Vaughnie ever have a "normal" (whatever that is anymore) life with a mom and a dad and the things she wants? Will I have enough to just live and not worry? Will I ever be able to feel like I am on my own and not needing support and help from everyone else--be it calling a friend last minute because Rudy didnt show to watch Vaughn and I have a wedding in 30 minutes or needing financial help or business help....will I ever be able to do it on my own? Will I ever have nice things? A car that doesnt need thousands in repairs and doesnt break down at random times? 

I have hit a plateau on my weight loss and am feeling huge, unattractive and discouraged. I am just all around feeling rotten tonight.

I know this sounds so overly debbie downer but its just a night that I feel....blah. sometimes I have these nights. Sometimes I feel strong and encouraged and proud that we have come out of everything in one piece and then there are times I feel broken, confused, sad, lonely, hurt, angry, frustrated, doubtful. It doesnt take much. Rudy came to pick up Vaughn tonight and said one thing to me about my shirt and that was all it took....the walls went up, the positivity went down and there I sit. I hate that.

2 funny stories--worth documenting

We just got done eating dinner and Vaughn asked if I wanted dessert. I said "I dont have anymore room left!" and she said "sure you do, right there under your left boob."


While I was cooking dinner she wanted to play house. She said I could be the wife and she could be the husband. She went to my bathroom and shouted "Hunny, We're out of toilet paper...could you throw me a roll?" then she waited a few seconds and said "ahhhh nothing like Angel Soft."

...she cracks me up.

How Sweet It Is

2011 Adel Sweet Corn Fest. If you have not been to this festival- its worth the trip. Sooo yummy! So much fun! This year we did corn shucking the night before the festival for the first time ever. It was fun. We met my sis's family down there and shucked away. SOOO much corn! Everyone down there sat around, talked, enjoyed the beautiful weather. Saturday's weather was PERRfect too! Parade, corn, childrens jump houses (no pics of this- it was chaotic and I was alone with a 3 year old)....corn dogs, lemonade, sweet tea....perfection. Went home, napped and then headed out for a night on the town with some girl friends. It was a blast! My parents kept Vaughn and I got to just be with the girls. It was great. I ran into some old friends and just had a great time.

poor little munchkin did not know what to think about the sirens! Her little toes were curled up tight the whole time. too funny

corn shucking

soo much corn! 7 tons!!!

the townies getting together for some shuckin good times!

my sister and her husband also shucking corn

these next three pictures are funny. Andre sat there for about 15 minutes straight counting on his hands....content as could be

Today we are laying around. Vaughn is doing some laundry (yep she knows how already! Love it!), we are sorting some clothes and doing some photo editing. Nothing grand. Hoping to get to the Iowa State Fair this week at some point but just feeling all around unmotivated to do much of anything. Blah.