feeling...

dis·con·tent

not content;  dissatisfied; discontented.

a restless desire or craving for something one does not have. 

Synonyms =uneasiness, inquietude, restlessness, displeasure.

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This is how I feel today. Not sure why. I feel like while my business is staying steady, it may never be enough to get me where I need to be in my life and while I do not want to get another job- I might have to very soon, at least part time to supplement. Depressing. 

I am feeling like if my own husband did not want to keep me around how/why is anyone else ever going to? And if they do, will I ever be able to trust another person enough that it doesnt push them away with my constant questioning, doubting and insecurities? Will I ever want anyone else and have them think i am worth it....

Will Vaughnie ever have a "normal" (whatever that is anymore) life with a mom and a dad and the things she wants? Will I have enough to just live and not worry? Will I ever be able to feel like I am on my own and not needing support and help from everyone else--be it calling a friend last minute because Rudy didnt show to watch Vaughn and I have a wedding in 30 minutes or needing financial help or business help....will I ever be able to do it on my own? Will I ever have nice things? A car that doesnt need thousands in repairs and doesnt break down at random times? 

I have hit a plateau on my weight loss and am feeling huge, unattractive and discouraged. I am just all around feeling rotten tonight.

I know this sounds so overly debbie downer but its just a night that I feel....blah. sometimes I have these nights. Sometimes I feel strong and encouraged and proud that we have come out of everything in one piece and then there are times I feel broken, confused, sad, lonely, hurt, angry, frustrated, doubtful. It doesnt take much. Rudy came to pick up Vaughn tonight and said one thing to me about my shirt and that was all it took....the walls went up, the positivity went down and there I sit. I hate that.