This weekend we lost my sweet sweet Grandma Bev. She was a woman of grace, elegance and so incredibly beautiful. She suffered so very much the last few years of her life and lost so much of herself to Alzheimer's. There was still many many many moments in her days where she shined as herself. Where her laugh made you laugh, where her stories were truth and where her memory clear. Other times you just wanted to reach in and pull her out. You wanted to help her find herself in her confusion. It was heart breaking. I am blessed that my memories of her are not clouded by these last few years. I am blessed with the ability to get to spend a lot of time with her while she was in assisted living and the nursing home and I will miss that time very very very much. I think because she was sick for so long I find peace in knowing she is in Heaven, with my grandpa and her mind is at rest. Her spirit calm and not confused and she can dance (her favorite thing to do) for all of eternity without tiring. I just picture her giggling, dancing, enjoying the sunlight and watching her grandkids while telling grandpa "Don't you just love watching them? Aren't they just so much fun to watch?" With a big smile on her face. To say she will be missed is an understatement. She was a beautiful soul and I was blessed to have her as my Grandma.
We will ALWAYS love and miss you, Grandma!
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
SPRING cleaning!!!
This weather is rad. Seriously. Nothing like the first few days of spring. Even after an insanely mild winter- the birds chirping (as long as not too closely) the windows open, the sounds, scents, feelings. Ahhhhhhh. Say it with me. Ahhhhhh.
Today, I got Vaughn dropped off at school, opened the windows and started some music. The hall closet was first to be tackled. We had SO much stuff packed in there. Its now freshly organized WITH room to spare. check.
I have turned the kitchen into garage sale USA. Mixed in with my dads work shop (bathroom is still unfinished so all the tools etc to do that are still sitting in the kitchen) is about 6 totes and 4-5 boxes of garage sale crap.
V and I headed to the garage after school and brought in TONS of stuff (along with a few nasty gross spiders.) and have added to the garage sale pile. i have no idea why I packed half the crap I packed. But I did, and I am now sorting. The house is complete disarray right now, but it will feel good to have everything pulled out, sorted, sold and reorganized. I am not one to hang onto crap. I OFTEN take things to goodwill. I have just don't have a bunch of stuff that I don't use. I never have. When I don't want things I give it or throw it away. It annoys the crud out of me to have too much clutter, stuff, nick knacks. Its like sensory overload. But Every time I go through stuff I find more I want to get rid of. So, I am. I feel like I might regret that someday. Getting rid of everything. My parents have SHELVES of stuff in their basement from when we were little and the grand kids LOVE it. And we do too. Fun to reminisce. I don't have anything like that. I have a few outfits, sentimental stuff, art work, shoes etc that I am keeping but no more than 2 boxes max.
Anyways, it has felt sooo good to get stuff going. Lots more to do but its my plan for the week. On top of editing. Lots of that to do too that is more urgent than spring cleaning.
SONG MUST HAVE:::: I downloaded Gia Lucid's "Remind Me" album. If you do not have this you MUST RUN TO DOWNLOAD IT NOW!!!! It has been on repeat in my house for like 2 days. GORGEOUS!!
Today, I got Vaughn dropped off at school, opened the windows and started some music. The hall closet was first to be tackled. We had SO much stuff packed in there. Its now freshly organized WITH room to spare. check.
I have turned the kitchen into garage sale USA. Mixed in with my dads work shop (bathroom is still unfinished so all the tools etc to do that are still sitting in the kitchen) is about 6 totes and 4-5 boxes of garage sale crap.
V and I headed to the garage after school and brought in TONS of stuff (along with a few nasty gross spiders.) and have added to the garage sale pile. i have no idea why I packed half the crap I packed. But I did, and I am now sorting. The house is complete disarray right now, but it will feel good to have everything pulled out, sorted, sold and reorganized. I am not one to hang onto crap. I OFTEN take things to goodwill. I have just don't have a bunch of stuff that I don't use. I never have. When I don't want things I give it or throw it away. It annoys the crud out of me to have too much clutter, stuff, nick knacks. Its like sensory overload. But Every time I go through stuff I find more I want to get rid of. So, I am. I feel like I might regret that someday. Getting rid of everything. My parents have SHELVES of stuff in their basement from when we were little and the grand kids LOVE it. And we do too. Fun to reminisce. I don't have anything like that. I have a few outfits, sentimental stuff, art work, shoes etc that I am keeping but no more than 2 boxes max.
Anyways, it has felt sooo good to get stuff going. Lots more to do but its my plan for the week. On top of editing. Lots of that to do too that is more urgent than spring cleaning.
SONG MUST HAVE:::: I downloaded Gia Lucid's "Remind Me" album. If you do not have this you MUST RUN TO DOWNLOAD IT NOW!!!! It has been on repeat in my house for like 2 days. GORGEOUS!!
Sunday, March 11, 2012
It.is.not.worth.it
This is hard. This post. It's raw.
My marriage ended. The trust I had with a man I thought I knew ended. The pain was/is real, strong, damaging, often intense. The self hatred of it all is real, strong, damaging, intense. Those pains are enough. I know that everyone wants me to hate Rudy. Everyone wants me to despise him, to be angry and mad about the things he has done....and is still doing. And I am. I am furious about the no show days he doesnt come get his daughter, I am irrate about the burdens he left me to carry alone and my heart is broken for the brokenness he has caused my precious child. But I cannot. willnot spend my time hating, regretting, and being vengeful. I will do what it takes to make a life for Vaughn. I will be the best damn mom I know how to be. I will go to no ends for that little bundle of my everything. I will not allow him to destroy our lives any longer. I know everyone who watched us suffer wants to see us happy....but most are still encouraging me to hate him, to tell him off. The truth is, that only hurts me. The truth is that will kill me even more. The truth is that he doesn't care an ounce about the lessons I want him to learn or the pain I want him to feel or the pain he has caused us. WHY should I spend one more second or ounce of energy, one more tear or moment of my life worrying, hating him? It's like lighting myself on fire and expecting him to get burned. It will kill me. I forgave that man, who ever he is, a long time ago. A Very long time ago. I did it because I had to, not because he asked for it....but because I dont want to be damaged anymore by him. In spirit, heart, mind. None. Nothing about him is worth that. I pray that one day he realizes the true treasures he gave up, that he missed out on moments that are more precious than anything else in this entire lifetime and he missed them on purpose. I hope that eventually destorys him. But me....I'm done being destroyed, made little, deminished by his actions. When he doesn't show- we go on. We (Vaughn and I ) are still a family. I love her enough. Someday there will be a man in her life, and mine that shows us what a husband and dad are....what that feels like....and that will be a day in God's timing, his chosing and I have faith that it will be incredible. Until then, we are okay.
My marriage ended. The trust I had with a man I thought I knew ended. The pain was/is real, strong, damaging, often intense. The self hatred of it all is real, strong, damaging, intense. Those pains are enough. I know that everyone wants me to hate Rudy. Everyone wants me to despise him, to be angry and mad about the things he has done....and is still doing. And I am. I am furious about the no show days he doesnt come get his daughter, I am irrate about the burdens he left me to carry alone and my heart is broken for the brokenness he has caused my precious child. But I cannot. willnot spend my time hating, regretting, and being vengeful. I will do what it takes to make a life for Vaughn. I will be the best damn mom I know how to be. I will go to no ends for that little bundle of my everything. I will not allow him to destroy our lives any longer. I know everyone who watched us suffer wants to see us happy....but most are still encouraging me to hate him, to tell him off. The truth is, that only hurts me. The truth is that will kill me even more. The truth is that he doesn't care an ounce about the lessons I want him to learn or the pain I want him to feel or the pain he has caused us. WHY should I spend one more second or ounce of energy, one more tear or moment of my life worrying, hating him? It's like lighting myself on fire and expecting him to get burned. It will kill me. I forgave that man, who ever he is, a long time ago. A Very long time ago. I did it because I had to, not because he asked for it....but because I dont want to be damaged anymore by him. In spirit, heart, mind. None. Nothing about him is worth that. I pray that one day he realizes the true treasures he gave up, that he missed out on moments that are more precious than anything else in this entire lifetime and he missed them on purpose. I hope that eventually destorys him. But me....I'm done being destroyed, made little, deminished by his actions. When he doesn't show- we go on. We (Vaughn and I ) are still a family. I love her enough. Someday there will be a man in her life, and mine that shows us what a husband and dad are....what that feels like....and that will be a day in God's timing, his chosing and I have faith that it will be incredible. Until then, we are okay.
The Voice of Truth.
I have heard this song ten thousand times. I never loved it. Today, I heard it in the car and broke down crying. Somtimes, I feel like everyone's voices are shouting at me, telling me things like "you're not enough, you will never find anyone, you are not pretty enough, smart enough, kind enough, you dont make enough, you suck you suck you suck you suck." And I sometimes feel like God is saying "Climb out- This is my truth, These pains are for MY glory- I am bringing you where I want you, putting those in your life that you need and when the time is right for someone to change your life, I will hand them to you. Trust me. I will pick someone better than you can fathom, more than you can imagine, more than enough for you. Let me write your story far better than you can ever dream. Let me make it wonderful." And just when I start to trust I hear those stupid voices again. "you.are.not.enough."
Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone
To the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out his hand
But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. 'Boy, you'll never win!'
"You'll never win"
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
And the voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth
Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant
With just a Sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand
But the giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again "boy, you'll never win!
"You'll never win"
But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don't seem so high
From on top of them looking down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth
Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone
To the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out his hand
But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. 'Boy, you'll never win!'
"You'll never win"
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
And the voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth
Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant
With just a Sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand
But the giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again "boy, you'll never win!
"You'll never win"
But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don't seem so high
From on top of them looking down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Billfold Mercy
When we go out to eat, to church or...well, anywhere that requires sitting still- It's a living nightmare. V is at the stage where any amount of free time means trouble. So, I found this cheap-o wallet at goodwill for $1.09. I cut up scrapbook pages, images from an avon catalog (they always have toys, stuffed animals, lots of kid like images), some stickers and put them in the slots. I put the small pieces as well as little jewels to glue into the zipper pouch. I also cut photos of family members and her as a baby into wallet sized pictures and stuffed them full in the picture department. Vaughn LOVES stories about when she was a kid or when we did this or that or about family members, so this will be perfect story telling time. In the back cig/cellphone compartment I put a glue stick and a granola bar.
I told her about it and put it in my purse and she has asked daily to use it. We haven't been able to yet but I have a feeling it will be a great tool! Its stuffed full of goodness!
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Silly Jamison
The Leprechaun has struck again. He's been leaving lots of gold and fools gold (chocolate in gold wrappers...) around our house. He has left St Pats day hair ties and little notes, moved around our st pats decorations into silly spots and pee'd in our toilet and left sparkles all over the toilet seat. He is QUITE the trickster. The shenanigans are about to get worse as we get closer to the big day. I just have a feeling;)
Found this old ugly goose plaque at Goodwill for $.99 and thought I could use it to make a cheap St Pats day decor. This is what I ended up with, for now.
Also found the (below) small gold pot. Its adorb and works perfect for all the things "Jamison" leaves around our house. They had this HUGE one (ok, like the size of a md sauce pan for like $3.99 that was actually shiny gold. kicking myself for not getting that.)
Found this old ugly goose plaque at Goodwill for $.99 and thought I could use it to make a cheap St Pats day decor. This is what I ended up with, for now.
Also found the (below) small gold pot. Its adorb and works perfect for all the things "Jamison" leaves around our house. They had this HUGE one (ok, like the size of a md sauce pan for like $3.99 that was actually shiny gold. kicking myself for not getting that.)
 | |||
| Also at goodwill for $.99 was this oh so cute and tiny green glittery house. PERFECT for Jamison we decided. It had to be ours. We have a few other St pats decor up (window clings, a few other signs etc.) and are loving each day of the excitement. Will keep you updated as the chaos continues. :) |
Friday, March 2, 2012
Glorious, Marvelous, Beautiful, Rugged CAMPING!
I am having some MAJOR camping withdrawl here lately, folks. I'd camp every.single.weekend if given the chance. I just love it. I cannot wait to start making grand memories with Vaughn on camping trips and hope to get a few in with friends this year too.
This is what I think of when I think of camping:
This is what I wish it looked like:
And this is the truth about what camping is for me: And I love it. So very much!
This is what I think of when I think of camping:
This is what I wish it looked like:
And this is the truth about what camping is for me: And I love it. So very much!
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Happy March Y'all!
Ok, seriously, this is my favorite time of year. ST PATRICKS DAY! I feel like its celebrated solely for myself! I have always felt like this. I dont know why and I know its narcissistic but its true. I think the parade is for me, the drinking, the decorating, the special meals...everything. Its kinda fun to have a holiday that EVERYONE CELELBRATES just for you. huh?! So every year we have a leprechaun visit our house. This year his name is Jamison and he made his first appearance today. I was going to wait til closer to but just couldn't contain my excitement. Its St Patrick's Month in our house! (forgive the bad photos...from my phone.)
Today, while Vaughnie was at preschool Jamison left her a note on her headboard announcing his arrival. So excited for all the leprechaun chaos about to ensue in our home. Vaughn was so excited. She ran into me and handed it to me to read and then in her best "leprechaun voice" which sounds more like a ticked off pirate on steroids said "Arruuggg I'm going to snatch him up and put him in me pocket. Unless its a pregnant lady leprechaun, then I'll let her free." (Thoughtful child she is.)
She wanted to write him a note back. This is what she said
Today, while Vaughnie was at preschool Jamison left her a note on her headboard announcing his arrival. So excited for all the leprechaun chaos about to ensue in our home. Vaughn was so excited. She ran into me and handed it to me to read and then in her best "leprechaun voice" which sounds more like a ticked off pirate on steroids said "Arruuggg I'm going to snatch him up and put him in me pocket. Unless its a pregnant lady leprechaun, then I'll let her free." (Thoughtful child she is.)
She wanted to write him a note back. This is what she said
"Jamison, Please give me your gold and candy
(clearly she thinks leprechauns are easter bunnies or something).
No Messes and DONT DRINK MY MOMS SODA- she'll be MAD!
I WILL Find you!!!"
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