My Dearest Vaughn-elise,
You tell me every.single.day that you promise not to grow up, that you promise not to get big and that you promise you will alllllways be my little girl. Ohh this quiets my heart. All to clearly you are growing faster than I even realize. The other night while you said your prayers you whispered to God to not let you grow in the night so that mommy would not be sad. I never want you to feel your growing saddens me. It is a mixture of joy and sadness and I do wish I could freeze time and hold you just where you are. In your innocence and purity and absolute wonder. All too soon you will be off to pre-school with the "big kiddos". You have asked over and over when you get to be big enough to ride the bus and I know that day will be here before we know it. But for now, I want to hold onto each and every moment with you at this age. I am so very thankful to be able to start our journey of me being at home with you full time. While I will still be working some days, my time will be focused on you. I have already signed us up for classes and planned days. I have been working toward THIS time, these moments since the very moment I found out I was going to be having you. I am so very blessed beyond measure to have you in my life, everyday, your hugs, your wit, your sweet words, your spunk, your never ending excitement to see me....even if it was just moments before. I love you to the moon and back and you are my most precious! You are growing far too quick my love. Far too quick indeed.
Love you so very very much, your mommy.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
wake up moment
I have to say that I have been down in the dumper-ooos about this body of mine. While I am thankful for my two legs and arms and all the right parts- I simply have felt gross. Obviously, I am overweight by more than I should be, I am more out of shape than I ever have been (yes, even after having Vaughn I was in better shape than I am now. boo). I just have not felt beautiful in the slightest and so, since I am unhappy with my weight, I have not put much care or effort into any part of my appearance, no make up, hair undone, barely matching most days. I have just been a gross blob. Poor Rudy. I have felt too simple, not exotic enough, not thin enough, not toned enough. Mind you- only a few of my concerns have actually been about health- thats another topic all together and will be written on shortly. They have all been, up until a few days ago, solely based on looks.
But today, sitting un showered, in bright yellow hawk sweats and a brown and pink tshirt and red fuzzy socks (looking much like vaughn dressed me) I started noticing something. I was on facebook and ad on the side said "are you simple, or are you sexy?" Excuse me?!? I was immediately offended that this would be out there...or even a question. My spoken response was "since when is simple not sexy? since when do women have to be extravagant or showy to be sexy? I am simple....(and though while I do not feel sexy today, or at all recently, I believe simple is sexy.) Then through the course of randomly flipping through a page a friend had commented on, I stumbled upon a blog thankfulforgrace.blogspot.com and read a little. I love finding new motivating, sweet blogs.
This one is about a women who realized that she always wanted flat abs, and a friend who always had them only wanted (and was unable) to have children. The author of the blog has 6. It hit me maybe as hard as it hit her when her friend commented on this......while I should respect my body and work at making it the best it can be, I cannot expect flat abs. One messed up blessing of a Csection later and my stomach muscles are not only non existant but not touching each other....I will always have a messed up scar, a crooked, puffy, red messed up scar.....but God does not see this ugly, messed up or anything of the sort. This is my badge of honor! I can get into shape and be the best ME I can, but my sacrifice of having a flat stomach is having a beautiful, talented, smart, loving and adoring little girl who tells me everyday that I am beautiful.
We each have different nemesis. Mine is and has always been my stomach. Even when I was a size 4 and 125 lbs my stomach is where I carried the most weight. Instead of looking at catalogs and thinking "I am too simple to look like the perfect mom on the go" I should just focus on being the best ME I can.
I am hoping to focus more on my health part of getting in shape in the coming months. Rudy and I made a (difficult) decision to have me start staying home effective the end of this month!!!! YIPPEEE!!! While this was MONTHS (maybe more like a year) of praying about it, discussing it, crunching numbers and stressing about all of the what ifs, we decided it needs done. I, currently, am spread far too thin. My daughter has been passed around and not getting enough time with me, my marriage is (severely) suffering from my stress level. As of today, I work full time, do photography on the weekends (and when its a wedding about 30 hours of editing during the week), school, parent, and try to be good mom and wife. I am failing in EVERY area at this point. Something had to give. My photography business has really taken off and we have nearly the entire year booked. There are some months that area little low on weddings but most of them are looking great.
After my doctors apt yesterday, I am realizing how much this stress has taken a negetive toll on my body! With three more meds on the list and a possible gallbladder removal in the next couple of weeks it was a huge wake up call and confirmation that we're making the best choice. I will continue to pray that business comes in and I hope you all will pray for that too! I am excited to have time during the week to work out, eat right, prepare foods at home and not be running around like a mad woman. My body will surely thank me. And since I only have THIS life and THIS body, I better do with them both what I want. I better get healthy and live everyday on purpose instead of in a knot like I have been.
With all of this weather warming up....its making me crave some good ole grill food and sweet corn!
But today, sitting un showered, in bright yellow hawk sweats and a brown and pink tshirt and red fuzzy socks (looking much like vaughn dressed me) I started noticing something. I was on facebook and ad on the side said "are you simple, or are you sexy?" Excuse me?!? I was immediately offended that this would be out there...or even a question. My spoken response was "since when is simple not sexy? since when do women have to be extravagant or showy to be sexy? I am simple....(and though while I do not feel sexy today, or at all recently, I believe simple is sexy.) Then through the course of randomly flipping through a page a friend had commented on, I stumbled upon a blog thankfulforgrace.blogspot.com and read a little. I love finding new motivating, sweet blogs.
This one is about a women who realized that she always wanted flat abs, and a friend who always had them only wanted (and was unable) to have children. The author of the blog has 6. It hit me maybe as hard as it hit her when her friend commented on this......while I should respect my body and work at making it the best it can be, I cannot expect flat abs. One messed up blessing of a Csection later and my stomach muscles are not only non existant but not touching each other....I will always have a messed up scar, a crooked, puffy, red messed up scar.....but God does not see this ugly, messed up or anything of the sort. This is my badge of honor! I can get into shape and be the best ME I can, but my sacrifice of having a flat stomach is having a beautiful, talented, smart, loving and adoring little girl who tells me everyday that I am beautiful.
We each have different nemesis. Mine is and has always been my stomach. Even when I was a size 4 and 125 lbs my stomach is where I carried the most weight. Instead of looking at catalogs and thinking "I am too simple to look like the perfect mom on the go" I should just focus on being the best ME I can.
I am hoping to focus more on my health part of getting in shape in the coming months. Rudy and I made a (difficult) decision to have me start staying home effective the end of this month!!!! YIPPEEE!!! While this was MONTHS (maybe more like a year) of praying about it, discussing it, crunching numbers and stressing about all of the what ifs, we decided it needs done. I, currently, am spread far too thin. My daughter has been passed around and not getting enough time with me, my marriage is (severely) suffering from my stress level. As of today, I work full time, do photography on the weekends (and when its a wedding about 30 hours of editing during the week), school, parent, and try to be good mom and wife. I am failing in EVERY area at this point. Something had to give. My photography business has really taken off and we have nearly the entire year booked. There are some months that area little low on weddings but most of them are looking great.
After my doctors apt yesterday, I am realizing how much this stress has taken a negetive toll on my body! With three more meds on the list and a possible gallbladder removal in the next couple of weeks it was a huge wake up call and confirmation that we're making the best choice. I will continue to pray that business comes in and I hope you all will pray for that too! I am excited to have time during the week to work out, eat right, prepare foods at home and not be running around like a mad woman. My body will surely thank me. And since I only have THIS life and THIS body, I better do with them both what I want. I better get healthy and live everyday on purpose instead of in a knot like I have been.
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