Getting back to Center.

This week has been....trying. In every sense of the word. I have a child who wont sleep, throws fits, tantrums and purposely wont listen. I sound like allllllll I do is yell and say no. I hate that. I miss HER. I have also been feeling like....I am running a rat race. I have nothing huge going on or any reason why I should be feeling like I am running a marathon but I do. So, today, I went to my parents basement, dug out my paints and old canvases and sat on the porch for an hour and a half listening to music and painting. Because I am using oil paint not much got done but the base of the picture is done. It.Was.Refreshing. Nothing that I have found can take me back to "mental peace" like painting. Music sometimes, but mostly painting, and why not mix the two. The sucky part was that every ten minutes I was punishing, time outing, bribing and begging for some me time. V was supposed to be napping but of course, knowing I was doing something OTHER THAN napping was too much for her to handle. FRUSTRATING! IT felt so good though to get back there. Next time, I am getting a sitter....Its not the same when there's a child around....its not therapy- its torture- wanting to dive in and lose yourself into something and being tortured by the inability to do so. Its 2.5 hours  later and she still has not fallen asleep. She THINKS she doesnt need a nap anymore. Truth be told- she desperately still does. She is NOT good without naps. She goes to bed at 6, she's a grouch, she's mean, she's even more not listening. I am keeping the nap around as long as humanly possible with her. Forever if I can.

I will be the bad parent here and just say it. It is hard doing parenting alone. Hard. My family helps out alot and the truth is I couldnt do it without them. They allow me to still work- do weddings etc. But I gotta get a sitter. I have to find time for ME, to not be doing work, grocery shopping etc and be able to sit on a patio somewhere with a friend for a couple hours, to paint, to sit in a bookstore and not chase a 3 year old around....I love vaughn more than life itself and I mean every word of that. I just desperately feel like in the midst of it all, I am losing Me. I always swore I wouldnt be someone who did that. I want my child to know ME, I want them to know what a happy mom looks like. A Mom with interests, passions and all the things that make me who I am and not someone else. I want Vaughnie to cherish those things about herself and to feed them and to offer them up to others and thats what I want to show her. Its hard to know how to do that....at this stage in her life....when I dont even remember most days what makes me me. By the time she is in bed I am so sick to death of fighting with her over stuff, so sick of the time outs, the 1,769 times I have had to tell her to lay her butt down and go to sleep that i dont want to do a dang thing but go to bed myself. It makes me feel lost. I am sure EVERY mom feels this way...but this week in particular...it bothers me.

Busiest Weekend EVER.

 (sorry for the crappy quality pic. I stole it from someone on Facebook since I forgot my camera. you get the gist. )


This weekend was full.to.the.brim. It was fun! On Friday I had a wedding in Iowa City. Its always fun to get back to my old stomping ground and a place where my black and gold can bleed all over:) I even wore black and gold to the wedding! I am kind of die hard:) I got to bum around the mall killing some time and then checked into an AMAZING hotel in cedar rapids that was booked by a bride and groom that needed to get some photos done. Let me tell you that I have not slept that good maybe ever. It was called the Kirkwood. Its new, its super modern-decorated in red, grays and blacks/white. Stunning.  The beds were the most comfortable thing ever. I dont like traveling alone. But this weekend was nice. The bride and I got drinks and dinner (not the wedding bride- the other bride). The next day I was able to sleep in and then headed to UNI/Cedar Falls to shoot the Friday wedding's reception. They were super cute- but super unorganized so there was a lot of down time. AND I had the worst shadow people ever. For the non photographers reading this....shadow people are the annoying family members who follow the photographer and stand next to them and get the SAME SHOT in every freaking photo....their flash sets mine off and then I have to retake my photos. I was getting so mad I just kept staring at them. There were 3 of them. and they took every.single. photo I took. It was insane. Late night home on Saturday (about 11) and then church, naps, Vacation Bible School for Vaughnie and an engagement shoot for me. It was a hot sunday but a good one. Vaughnie loved VBS. She loves knowing that she gets to hang out with kiddos her age. She was nervous to be dropped off but paid no attention when I left and was super excited when I picked her up. She is supposed to have dance tonight but I asked if she wanted VBS or dance and she chose VBS. Cute.  We have a busy week ahead and that will be nice. To be honest, I have enjoyed this summer but am ready for football weather.

Train Surprise

So, I decided yesterday to surprise Vaughn-elise with a ride on the boone railroad. I thought she might like this and it would give her something to "behave for". She didnt know what we were doing or where we were going- just that she had a surprise. We got stuck at the railroad crossing on the way there and she said (perfect) "mom, can I ride on a train someday? I would LOVE THAT." and I said "maybe someday." and five minutes later we rolled into the train station. She Was SO excited. It was great. The train ride was 2 hours and it rained most of the time. We sat outside for the entire ride down, even in the rain but on the ride back the the station we sat inside most of the time until the very end. For someone who gets motion sick easily- this was a bad idea. when we were outside in the fresh air, i was great, When we went inside I started getting really sick. We rode over the tallest bridge in Iowa...dont know how tall it was but we were far far far above the trees and its just a train track up there. she did great and wanted to look over the edge but for the first time in my life, I was a little freaked out by the height so I held her on the bench....but we did sit outside in the open car while going over...
We also went over the des moines river....which she swears she saw a whale in. That poor whale must be reallly lost.

Recipe:

Brussle Sprouts-enough said right? Well I have been scared to try them for 27 years. I dont know why- I love asparagus, broccoli, grilled lettuce etc...so I bought a brussle spout salad at Trader Joes to try. I figure the flavor is much more mellow when raw so- why not. It. Is. Delish. Maybe my new favorite cold salad...and because the "greens" are not as wilty as lettuce, you can dress it a couple days in advance and it stays great in the fridge and tastes even better. So here's the recipe- for all you brussle sprout fearfulls, I urge you to give it a shot. They are friendly and amazing.

THINLY slice the brussle spouts so they are about the thickness of lettuce and break them apart
dried cranberries and or cherries
hazelnuts chopped up (could probably use any nut and be equally delish).
uncured chopped up bacon
raspberry vinegarette.

Thats it. Crazy simple and probably people wouldnt even know they were eating brussle sprouts. Yum-o

Life Lists

AKA: bucket lists....do you have one? I have had one since I was 13. It has changed significantly since that point and I have no idea where the heck the original one is...so I have been working on a new one on paper instead of in my head this time. Instead of changing it over time I want to mark stuff off and keep adding! I think it would be cool to see everyone's bucket lists (which I call Life Lists) and help each other accomplish those things. We only live once and the mundane days need to be filled with things we "always wanted to do" so that someday we dont look back and say "shoulda and woulda and what if I coulda...." Life is too short. Too short indeed. I wont put my entire one on here, as I am still working on it and will update this later- but for now, here are a few things that keep playing in my mind- letting me escape from the crappy few days we have had and drift into a world of adventure.

My Life List as of 7-11-11

Rascal Flatts concert!

Read the entire Bible

SKYDIVE

Visit Maine, Alaska, Antarctica, The Florida Keys, New Orleans, San Fransisco (in no particular order)

Go to Greece & Ireland

Be passionately, insanely, wildly in love & have that person reciprocate those feelings. 

Own a cabin in the smokey mountains

See Vaughn-elise dance on stage if she chooses to follow that love

See Vaughnie feel accomplished, beaming and proud of herself. 

Volunteer for a national disaster relief of either this country or another

Adopt a child

Feel beautiful and worth it. 

Write a book and see it published

Go ice block "sledding" on a late summer night
Go Sailing
visit Thailand

what is on your life list?

at my wits end...

This weekend (as you will see from previous post) started off difficult. Sunday was ok but V was with my parents most of the day and was really very well behaved when she got home up until last night when she took nearly 2 hours to fall asleep and screamed the whole 2 hours.
Today, today is worse than Saturday. I dont know if my A game is simply not on in the parenting department and I am unable to figure out whats wrong or how to fix it or if she's just that "off" from her normal self that even she doesnt know whats wrong. I am 100% positive that its due to the changes in our household dynamic and for that, my heart breaks. I try to offer love and condolence and then 2 minutes later she's at it again. My patience right now is wearing thin.  Today I had a meeting with my teacher for some extra help and then promised we could play at the mall play area ONLY if she was good. She.was.not.good. The entire time we were in the teachers office she threw a fit, cried, kicked things, tried running away, threw tantrums, spit food....she was that "brat" that you see in the stores and say "can someone control that child??" But I cant. I cant calm her when she gets that way. We walked around grays lake and looked at the boats etc there and she was ok so I thought we'd try the mall. She was fine on the walk in and before we made it to the play area had several MONSTER tantrums... I dont get it. I dont know what sets her off. So on the way home I stopped at the bank and she would.not.leave. She hurled herself on the floor, kicked, hit me, SCREAMED at the top of her lungs...you get the picture. I had to carry her to the car kicking and screaming. Now, I have tried to put her down for a nap and again its been nearly an hour and she's freaking out. The thing is...I know she's tired. She isnt sleeping well at night- up several times with "bad dreams" and she's going to bed around 11  because she just wont fall asleep. It makes for long long long days. It makes me want to go back to work. I never thought I'd say that..but it makes me feel like someone else has to be able to do this better than I am. Because she's not sleeping, Im not sleeping. even after she goes to bed at 11 I have things to do, emails to return, hours of homework and editing to do and then she's up several times in the night (has been coming into my bed again which is no bueno for any of us.) and then is up at 6:30 ish.  If you know me, you know I require at least 8 hours sleep...less than that, I am a bear. This 4 hour crap is NOT Cutting it.

On a different, but related note I have to say that I am SO blessed by all the help from my family and friends during the transition. I couldnt do it without them and I am so thankful that God has put such amazing stand up men in our lives so that Vaughn still feels she gets affection and love and time with men who WANT to spend time with her and who love on her and let her know she's special. Whether they are male friends, my dad, my brother- she loves it. I was worried about the long term affects of everything going on- and I still am, but it really does make me cry when I think of all the people who have helped clean up a mess caused by someone else. We are blessed.

What a mess

Today....today was one of those days as a mom that I thought, "If I can make it til bedtime without losing my mind I will consider today a success." Well, she is in bed- so AMEN today has been a success. I dont know what was wrong but I have fought, yelled, time outed, taken things away, offered bribery etc etc etc. I got nothing but DOORS SLAMMED IN MY FACE (yes, she's already acting like a teenager), told she didnt love me anymore, hit, things broken, walls pounded on with her feet in the midst of a fit.....you get the picture. She cried from the time we left the park with friends due to her attitude at 3:00 until almost SIX OCLOCK! What the crap?!? I finally let her color, which she got taken away for coloring and writing on things and she sat for 30 minutes and was okay....until bedtime. I have cried, prayed, yelled in a pillow, shut myself in the bathroom, stepped outside...everything to keep my cool today. Its one of those days where I said "God, WHY!?".


I am praying tomorrow is a "softer" day ....or I fear the neighbors will call the cops thinking I am abusing the poor thing for her screaming tantrums and throwing things against the walls.  I called Rudy to see if he would talk to her, and she wouldnt speak to him- he gave her a small "what for" and then when I got back on the phone- he laughed and said "have fun." Really?

Ugh, I hope you all had a much better saturday than I!!!!

4th of July

 Disclaimer: These photos are not great...but I adore her pride in showing off her garden, in her 2nd year of sparklers and her precious face. More pics will be posted after the 4th!

 For me, the 4th of July is full of awesome memories. I love not only what the 4th stands for but how fun it always was for me as a child. We spent the 4th of July at my gma and gpa's fam in Ill. Oh those memories are some of my most treasured. The heat, the water fights, the family, the talent shows, the fashion shows, pretend weddings, hide and seek, 4 wheeler rides, tractor rides, sparkler races, the noise, the love, the pure joy in my gpa's eyes. I miss that man every.single.day. I miss my gma too. I need to get there more often. That farm is my favorite.place.on.earth. The memories flood when I get close and I can still smell my grandpa. I have an old hankie of his that I keep and it still smells like him. Five years later. Still smells exactly like my grandpa. I treasure that. Its worn, its old, it is perfect. He loved loved seeing all his family together. We were all his pride and joy and I can see him staring out the window at us kids running and giggling, watching the family games of baseball with such pride, the hugs, the laughter, the kisses, his hard working hands that were so strong and beautiful-telling such a story. I.Miss.My.Grandpa. I miss both my grandpas but on the 4th, I miss my Grandpa Wayne so very much. I miss those memories as a child and the joy- the utter joy- that came to me with this holiday. I try and want to give those same gifts to Vaughn-elise that my parents gave me. Tradition. Vaughn-elise is so stinking excited about the 4th that she did not fall asleep until 11 today. Though she doesnt fully get it she knows its the day we became independent and she thinks thats pretty cool. I do too. She is excited to wear her red white and blue, wave her flag, see the parade, the picnic at gma and papas, the cooking before hand, the fun- the celebration. I am excited to get to do that with her. I am excited to make it fun for her. I hope that in 25 years she will look back on holidays with the same fondness and joy that I do. I hope I am able to capture the moments for her and create lasting traditions and memories and things she can look forward to every year. This month has been full of nothing but transitions for her. Emotions, transitions, questions. I am excited to be able to give her a day to just have a blast.  She's a precious girl.