Sigh....

...long day, feeling defeated and exhausted. i love my time home with Vaughna but being a single parent is emotionally and physically exhausting. sometimes I just want to sit and not have to chase her around and pick up one mess as she's getting into something else. When i am about ready to cry, I want to be able to hand her to her dad and say "i need five minutes to breathe." I am ready to have my own place where I can put non baby items away and out of reach instead of having to repaeatedly tell her no...and yet leaving them in her site and arms reach. I want to not have to tell her no for being a normal curious almost one year old. I want her to be able to explore and play on her own and have everything safe and unbreakable.

....its sunday night already...already? oh how i wish i had a job that paied more moeny and that i enjoyed going to....haha, doesnt everyone!

....I am looking forward to the weather getting cooler from this week on. i am ready for the string of holidays to come...ve's birthday, rudy's birthday/halloween,gabi's birthday, my birthday, thanksgiving, dads birthday, christmas, new years, andres's brithday....

...I looked at an apt on saturday. I really like it..its small in Adel but is enough for VE and myself...i cant afford it. i cannot afford anything...this makes me sick. i have to afford something...sometime soon...i have to. I want to feel confident again in my ability to support my daughter, to be on our own. If i could find a pt job to do at home for some added cash, i would take it in a heartbeat.

...lets hope this week is better than last week.....

....just another day in paradise.

Today was great. I dont get to say that often enough! Not sure why or how but nothing ruined my good mood. Vaughn-elise woke up this morning and cuddled for a big. I love that. We had planned to go to the farmers market with daddy but we all too tired...so about 9 rudy picked us up and we went to walmart to do the baby shopping for necessities. Funny story: We decided we wanted subway (there is one in walmart.) so we were standing in line. Vaughn elise all dressed in her "go hawks" gear and rudy was holding her. I wasnt paying alot of attention and trying to decide what I wanted....all of a sudden rudy said in the most worry some voice... "Oh no...oh no...oh no." i turn and he's got vaughn stretched as far away from him as he can, a HUGE wet spot on his shirt and pants and I look down and vaughn is peeing on the floor. Not just a little drip...a fountain...*splashing* on the floor. I cannot stop laughning, nor can the others in line and rudy looks like he might cry. He just kept repeating..."oh no....how is this happening...oh man!" He looked so confused. He said "isnt she wearing a diaper meghan?" it was the funniest thing Ive ever seen. She must have just been soaked to the max and her little diaper couldnt hold any more. Rudy ran off to the bathroom and the girl in front of me couldnt even order she was laughing so hard...she just kept saying "Im sorry, thats not funny...its hillarious." I was laughing at rudy's stunned "what the heck do I do now" look and the whole thing was just too funny.

We went back to Rudys to watch the Iowa game while vaughn napped. The hawks lost...sadly. Two in a row...sucky.

Just hung out with the family for the evening and Papa took Vaughn and i on a long golf cart ride...we just love that!

rudy is on his way over to bring some pizza and watch a movie. we've been getting along really great lately. thats nice! Really nice!

he went with me to look at an apt here in adel. the one I liked was over my budget but I might be able to afford the one bedroom. We'll see.

tomorrow is family pictures and dinner with everyone. I love when we can all get together.


I bought my first lottery ticket every for this huge jackpot. I actually bought 4...and since Ive won two free sodas this week...im pretty sure im going to win. Its kind of my lucky week.

Im bbbaaaaackkk

So I took the week off from writing. Nothing new to write about...only complaints and lord knows no one wants to continue reading about my rediculous job and money issues. It is what it is. So here it is friday...FINALLY something good to write about.

Funny story, the other night Vaughn-elise walks over to me with a bottle of nailpolish in one hand and a book in the other. I was sitting on the floor doing some picking up (shocking I know) and she hands me the bottle of nail polish, lays on her back with the book open in front of her and throws her little bitty foot up on my lap. that girl is a diva! So, I painted her toes bright purple...only to be rubbed off by her pants when she was crawling around. too funny that girl is...she cracks me up with her "girliness"...someday we're gonna be great shopping buddies and spa partners. Im pretty sure I will love every minute of it.

Tomorrow is nothing big planned...though my mom is on my back about cleaning...i would really like to go to the farmers market and watch the Iowa Game. I am also looking at an apartment. Its time. For all of us, its time.

So, Washington Mutual was bought out today by the government...you have got to be kidding me? Seriously....annoyed.

okay, so its semi late and i am going to take advantage of the sleep I can get. Hurry fall....Im hot and sick of it. Bring on the 60s baby cheeks.

Got the yuckies

blah. I stayed home this morning...feeling the sickies. No fun. Sunday morning i woke up and felt like death had swept over me in the night...death or an 18 wheeler. Sore throat, swollen sinus's, sore muscles, killer headache...the yuckies. Vaughn was feeling it too i think...This morning i woke up feeling like my head had been beaten with a baseball bat all night so i called in for the morning so I could sleep. Rudy came and got Mrs Vaughn-elise and I slept like a rock. If you know me, this is rare. I am not at all a day sleeper...ive never been a napper- I just think naps are boring and there is so many other things I would rather do with my day. But not today, Rudy picked her up at 8 (which I felt horrible about because when i am home I want to be with her) and i went straight back to bed and slept til 11:45!!!! I must have needed that because though im not a hundred percent yet, I feel WAY better than I did. i think sometimes my body is so deprived of rest that it has to show me how badly its in need before I will listen and slow down. I wish I was more in tune with what my body was feeling so I could stop things when they were beginning instead of when they were already crashing.

On a more serious note- I have been contemplating requesting my doctors do surgery on my leg. I don't want to fix what isnt broken but by the same token, we know it will break again- its just a matter of when. They have tossed around the idea of doing a bone graft which totally grosses me out (having a dead persons bone in my body- ew.) and I was never worried about it breaking before...well, i shouldnt say never worried, but much less so...but now that I have Vaughn-elise and i carry her everywhere and its going to be winter soon- I just worry alot about falling when I am with her and now that she can walk i would be terrified that she would walk away from me and I couldnt get to her, that someone would take her if we were in public, that she would be cold and no one would know where we were...all those things. Everytime I get an ache or pain I worry about it breaking. I am extra cautious to alway carry my phone on me, but what if it fell when i fell and i couldnt reach it?? this has to be one of my biggest worries...what if i dropped her when i fell, what if she was hurt. I do not by any means want to be away from her and recovery would kill me to not be able to play with her, pack her around etc.... but i feel it might be best for her safety. i am just so concerned about it. She is only going to get heavier and my leg will only get weaker...so it just makes sense to do the preventative. I have an apt on november 4th to discuss this with them. To me, its a catch 22, suffer now or suffer later. Either way- it just sucks.

Off to the races

My parents are out of town this weekend. On Friday my dad told me that he had tickets to the Iowa Speedway race tracks. Though I am not a fan of racing normally, i thought this would be a good weekend adventure and phil vasser was playing a concernt post race. So, we went. Rudy, myself and vaughn-elise. A first for all three of us. There was probably over 50,000 people there and we had to walk a good mile to get to the entrance from where we were directed to park, with a huge diaper bag and vaughn we kept switching on and off...both our backs were killing us and i thought my legs were going to snap. I am very out of shape! and it was all on uneven gravel, pot holes etc....yuck. Luckily on the way back some lady in a golf cart must have seen me limping and carying Vaughn. Rudy went ahead to get the car and VE and I were taking our sweet time...though still struggling. She stopped and asked if i wanted a ride back to the car and couldnt beleive how far out we had to park.
Rudy counted 6 mullets and 2 buttcracks in the first hour or so...he said "now thats how you know your at a race!" too funny! We were definelty some of the only few dressed "normally" without all the racewear. But it was fun! We both picked our cars we thought would win, his came in 12th, mine was out after the first 50 laps...not sure what happened. We stopped on the way and bought us all earplugs- including baby ones for Vaughn. Thank God we did that! It was very loud...but it was funny because everytime we wanted to talk to each other we had to take them out! Vaughn stayed up til around 11:30. I thought with the earplugs she would fall asleep when it got dark, unbenounced to me, its not like the figure 8 races where its dark in the stands...there were like spot lights on everyone! It was super bright. We only stayed for 2 songs during the concert because it was really late and she was starting to show signs of needing to lay flat. Me too! I am never up that late so I was pooped~ it was good to get home and lay flat.

before that, my friend deena and i had a pampered chef /lia sophia party. we have been planning it for quite a while now and invited around 60 people.....only 5 showed up!!!!! We were both super bummed by the low turnout. We were hoping that we could get some shows booked from this party and really get our "buisnesses" up and going again. Bummer. its hard with the way things are right now- no one has money! We had hoped at least 15-20 would show up out of the 60 invited....WRONG!

Today I woke up feeling like I had been hit by a truck. No joke. My throat feels raw, my body aches, i think i have a low grade fever, sinus cavities feel swollen, sneezy and wheezy!! NO FUN! This is my absolute favorite time of year- yet I always get sick !! Grrr...makes me feel jipped on my weekend. I wish tomorrow was not monday. We are still not sure what we are going to do about VE finding another sitter. I am starting to worry about it alot. I just want her to go somewhere I feel she is safe and loved and is learning and its my biggest fear that she will be punished, yelled at, spanked, ignored etc. I just worry about it all the time. Its stupid for me to even entertain the idea of being a stay at home mom because there is just no possible way at this point.

O.k....vaughn is suffering from her lack of sleep last night and thus, so am i...must go tend to the grouch!

It's FRIDAY...

Can I get an AMEN?!?!

It's only thursday....:(

I hate anticipating time to past, I never want to wish away my time. But this week- i have done just that, and i still am doing that. Its been a horrible rotten no good very bad week that just seems to get worse with each passing day. I am SOO ready to come home fridya night...put on my sweats, and KNOW that its finally the weekend.
My dad gave me two tickets to the nascar race/phil vassar concert this Saturday. I am very excited about that...I need to get out. The only thing i am worried about is the noise with Vaughn....and myself!

Does anyone know of a good job??? I DESPERATELY want to find another job...so bad that i applied at our biggest competitor in the area today...yikes. Oh well.
my head hurts. Im pooped....i have to get back up tomorrow and face work so i should go to bed now.Blah

Worst Day EVER!

Really? could this week get any worse?!?!?! Our entire system was down today at work...all day! so i sat there staring at a blank screen ALL 8 HOURS!!!! I did not do one thing today at work, read some magazines, checked email...thats it!!! I hate that, those days just make me mad that they dont let us go home and be with our family...they are payign us to sit there and do absolutely nothing- why cant they pay us to go home?!?

I then found out that Vaughn's babysitter has to go back to work:( We will really miss her alot. Vaughn loves going there and I never ever worry about if she is being taken care of or not. it breaks my heart for Vaughn, where ever she goes next will be her THIRD sitter in a year!!! I feel horrible for her. i just want her to know consistency. I am struggling alot today. emotionally...Trying to figure out what to do. I would love to stay home with her, but I have no financial support other than myself. i have thought about picking up kids to watch...even three or four and it will save me gas and childcare costs but i wouldnt be able to afford insurance. i am going to speak with my "boss/HR lady" tomorrow to see if she will allow me to work from home. IT would be more than easy and is totally possible but i think they will say no. I dont know why- we never can get work done at work anyways since the computers suck. Its stressing me out...beyond belief. I just keep praying that I come into money somehow, that i am all of a sudden offered a raise or a job that pays GREAT or that I win the lottery (though, I cannot afford the tickets so I dont even play)....I just need financial freedom....or at least the ability to support myself. I hate the situation I am in...and feel helpless to change it. I not only work my 8-5, I sell jewelry, AND i teach digital photography on a one on one basis and will be offering a class on October....and Im still not making ends meet...what else, Lord? What else can i do?

SIGH! I need a break. I am excited for the fall colordrive, for Vaughn's birthday, for the jewelry party this weekend....for the weekend in general... i need it!

Vaughn love to chew on this silly toy!

My sweet beauty!

This is her new obsession...drawers. This one however is where I have put everything tiny that she shouldnt be getting into over the last six months...So the fact that she can get into it is NOT a good thing!

My camera is broken...so she thinks its a great toy!

I love you sweetie!

Sigh-

I cannot say why but this week has been long and no fun! I am just ready for the weekend. I hate being broke, I hate it! I hate being away from my daughter! I hate stressing about things! I hate breaking out and losing hair over the way my life is right now! I hate not feeling like I can support my daughter the way I wish! I hate feeling like I will never have a job that i enjoy or that will take me anywhere! I hate stressing about bills! I hate this negetive crappy feeling! Hurry Friday!!!

It is really over??!!

This weekend FLEW by!!! I am not at all ready for Monday!!! Oh how i wish I was a stay at home mom...or a work at home mom...that would even suffice. I just hate getting up monday morning knowing I have to be away from Vaugh all day for the next five days. That sucks big time!! Let alone getting up to a job I hate. Yuck. It was a good weekend though- Of course the Hawkeyes winning was fabulous. I dont know if I already wrote about it but Vaughn-elise learned to say "Hawkeye" it actually comes out "awkeye" but its the cutest!! i have been working on it with her for several weeks but the other day in the car i was saying "Go hawkeyes, Go hawkeyes" and she just said " ooo awkeye!" I was the proudest!!!

Tonight was hillarious. I was feeding vaughn dinner and was being goofy (i try my best to make meal times fun for her as sometimes she gets ansy to get out of the high chair...so i usually am being goofy, making funny faces, singing etc.) and she was laughing uncontrollably. She has never done that before. She is a funny kid and usually will laugh but you can tell she is trying hard to hold it in...more like grunt laughing than belly laughing. Not tonight, she couldnt even keep her head up and then i was laughing so hard at her i was nearly out of my chair and she thought that was pretty funny too. It was a constant laugh for a good 5 minutes. Why cant i ever have my video camera at my side when she does that? tomorrow night i will make sure i have it in case the giggles take over again. She is definetly her momma's girl in that department apparently....once she started she couldnt get stopped. It over joyed my heart.

I love you Vaughn-elise. Happy 11 month birthday!!! I cannot believe that!

HAWKS WIN!!!

Big day in our house. The hawks won over the rival Iowa state!!! WHOOP WHOOP! We were all decked out in our game day gear and Vaughn sported her new hawkeye cheer dress that her daddy bought her yesterday!!! She looked too stinking cute (as you can see!) We went to my sisters and had a great time. Thanks guys, for letting us hang. The game was nothing impressive but we won! and thats what counts. I tell ya, I was talking way to much smack at work that if we lost, i was probably going to have to quit my job!!! haha, good thing we smeared them!

We are sorting through stuff in the basement tonight. We all have alot of boxes from when we were little, full of bday cards, stuffed animals, drawings, toys etc that we need to sort- keep, throw away and sell. I just put VE to bed, am doing my blog and then will head to the basement to finish up. its hard trying to get rid of stuff that brings back so many memories. Will i regret it in a few years?? Without these thigns to job my memory- will I forever forget about them? That scares me!!

Well its off to cleaning.

GO HAWKS!!! YOU HAVE MADE US PROUD!!!

Cheering!!!! GO HAWKS

Today was Friday (first blessing) and tailgating day at work (which equals no work...second blessing.) I am super pumped for the big game tomorrow. Rudy bought Vaughn a cheerdress and she's all ready too. We will have to post pics. Vaughn stayed with aunt mimi today and slept through all the fun. I am glad for the weekend.

Dont forget to show your team spirit...BLACK AND GOLD ...BEAT STATE!!!!!

anticipation

For many things...
I was slightly irritated by the sticky, humid and warm weather today...What happened to the gorgeous cool fall days? i want them back.

Iowa/iowa state game (I meant to not capitalize iowa state, by the way.) is Saturday and frankly, I can hardly stand the wait. I made black and gold cupcakes tonight and am decking myself out for work tomorrow. I cannot wait!!! YIPPEE GO HAWKS.
I miss being in Iowa city even more during these times. I know the spirit there right now is crazy and the festivities are non to be matched.

Work still sucks and its making the week creep by. i have no motivation to do my job and am doing about half the work i could be/should be. I am so stressed I have broken out like crazy and am eating nothing but junk food. Its bad!

Tomorrow is Friday and I am so thrilled about that!!!

Home alone!

My parents have gone on Vacation...good for them, and a change for me! I have not been in a home by myself since....well...since North Carolina. Its different and slightly freaky at night. Though after my laundry basket baracades go up and the doors are locked and double checked- I do okay:) They will be home tomorrow evening, then I can sleep soundly.

I have been in a baking frenzy the past three days. Something has come over me! Bruchetta chicken, garlic pizza, homemade pear and applesauce, sweet potatoe fries and I just put pumpkin bread in the oven. Oh the smells and tastes of fall! I do LOVE them. This weather is gorgeous.

Things at work are a mess...just when i think things cannot fall apart anymore, they do. it makes me not want to go in...to call in sick and stay home with my daughter. I want to do that anyways but its so much harder to go in when the situation is sucky. Know of a good job? Shoot them my way!

Vaughn-elise is doing great! She has such a fun personality. I have said at every stage of her life "this is my favorite." i just love watching her learn and grow and she is learning what "games" are and what teasing is and how to be difiant and she things its funny. She loves trying to run away while your chasing her but she loves even more to be caught and tickeled. I often wake in the middle of the night and go over to her cribside and watch her sleep, I touch her cheek and someitmes pick her up and kiss her and sway with her and tell her i love her. I feel like my love for her is more than I know how to handle and I desperately want her to know how I feel and how perfect i think she is. i sometime bring her in bed with me becuase I want to be close to her and I dread her bedtime because I know my evening with her is done. I want her to stay up with me, but I know it is best for her to get her sleep, but I just long to hold her and snuggle her.

My sweet sweet grandma just called. I think of her daily and lately have began loving it when she calls and i get to answer. I know someday I will miss her crazy talk and her funny stories that we hear over and over. She's the most loving women. She has taught me alot about acceptance and speaking only kind words to people. She may gossip alot about the people in her town or her neighbors but she would never udder a bad thing about her family. she just shows us love. Absolute, unconditional love and she's so full of praise. Much like my grandpa was. she carries that even though he is gone, she tells us always how much she loves us " a hum bunch." and how she is so proud of us and is so encouraging. I leave our conversations feeling uplifted and encouraged. i love her so much and often have thought of moving there to live with her. I should have done that when my grandpa passed. I felt strongly that I should have, and I prayed about it alot....and yet i didnt do it. I will never know why. I just didnt go. I should have. I will always regret that.


well...the timer is beeping- my pumpkin bread is done and its time for me to tuck in for the night.

Thank GOD for Saturdays!

Today has been great. Oh how I needed a Saturday!! With all weighing on my heart and mind lately, I feel like I cannot catch a break from the fast paste, mondane, underwhelming days. Today, while nothing special, has lifted my spirits. Vaughn-elise had a great nights sleep and woke very early in a great playful mood. I called up Rudy and we decided to take her to the Farmer's Market downtown. Neither of us had ever been and I figured with the cool weather it would not be quite so packed. It was perfect. Being out in the crisp air, smelling the fresh produce and the great vendor stands, seeing everyone happy walking around, lots of dogs....great samples, it was great and definetly worth the trip. We were there about two hours and had a great time. We forgot the stroller on accident so we carried Vaughn and she did GREAT. She hardly made a peep the whole time and was so into watching everyone and looking at the dogs people brought that she was not even fighting to get down and walk like i expected. i was so proud of her. She wore a thick sweatsuit and didnt even try to take her hood off. What a good girl!

the Hawkeyes play today!! GO HAWKS!

Here I am talking about loving this weather and how its so hard to put me in a bad mood during the fall and then I go and have the WORST day. I cried all day at work today, lame, I know. The day started off horrible when i was already running late and them my stupid good for nothing blazer broke down. Its been acting up for a good 6 weeks and broke ole me has been hoping it would hold out until I could get it fixed. Ive had some good friends who work on cars listen to it and of course everyone things its something different. the alternator, the sparks, the fuel pump. i tend to think its the fuel pump. We just replaced it abotu 18 months ago though- piece of junk. So now it wont start- my dad took it (toed it basically) to the guy in town and he has to keep it into next week to even take a look at it he is so busy. My parents are going out of otwn and leaving me their car. thanks God.
Rudy had to come try to jump the truck becasue i got so mad that I kept trying to start it and then killed it. I was 30 minutes late to work- im so sick of being late to work because of htat STUPID vehical.
On top of that, i developed the worlds largest zit overnight. I typically have clear skin and get a zit maybe twice a year. Well I have one, and it hurts and i hate it. i just want to cut it off.
Plus, we had to make food for work for the mexican potluck. I made mexican wedding cakes. Apparently the "company jerk" as he is known had to walk by and say some rude and exaggerated comment about how disgusting they looked and what in the world was that and who would eat them. Granted someone said like " you idiot have you never had mexican wedding cakes before." But the damage was done- I got my feelings hurt.
Basically, i cried off and on all day today. I felt bad for the two guys who work in my area and hten one who just got moved. ADVICE FORA GUY: When a girl is crying and you ask whats wrong, expect to get an earful or else just ignore the fact that she's crying.

Rudy had called to ask me if my dad had looked at my car yet and that was enough- i just lost it and cried off and on the rest of the day. Not an obnixious cry, just a " I cannot hold these tears in and if I talk, i will cry some more."

I am tired of my job, tired of being broke, tired of not being able to afford a place for Vaughn and I....i am just tired of it all right now.
i am going to bed- hopefully tomorrow will be better...its friday, it should be.

AHHHHH....breathe it in!

Today has literally been abreath of fresh, fall , wonderful air! I have GREATLY enjoyed the taste of October and it has lifted my spirits. If you know me, i have always hated the heat. I like summer for the green trees, grilling out, fireworks, long days, summer nights, clear skies, thunderstorms- but I HATE HATE HATE to sweat or feel sticky. I just hate it. I am not a huge fan of being so freezing cold that you have to breath inside your sweater just to keep your lungs from freezing solid either so the LOVELY months in between are what i live for. I look forward to these days all year long and they are here!!! WHoooop whhoppp. I left work early today- Vaughn has been a poopy mess (pooping 12 times in just 2 days) and just not feeling like herself- though her energy is still great and she's still happy- and I just needed some more Vaughn time. I guess I got spoiled this weekend. I didnt skip out on too much, just 45 minutes but it was such a great feeling when i walked out of htose stupid doors and felt complete comfort. There is not a whole lot you can do to upset me when it feels like this. The first thing I did was come home (it was all closed up, no air on, feeling like you just walked into a jar of honey) and opened up every window I could find. Even VE seemed happier. We ate dinner outside with papa and then came back in to play in the cool air! i could talk for days about this weather. I think this is Gods reward in our lives. To feel the complete beauty with every second we are living. I am sitting in my bed, covered by my favorite iowa Hawkeye fleece blanket from my aunt and the window next to me is open..ahhhhhhhhh....sweet vaughn in in her warm cozy pjs covered by a warm cozy blanket and ready for the night!

I got her halloween costume yesterday, early I know but i want to get her pictures taken in it and use them for her Thank you cards for her birthday- this all requires a little time and planning. She put it on and stood in front of hte mirror last night for 10 minutes laughing at herself. I dont think she really knew it was her in there but it was the funniest thing I have seen in a long time. She would walk away from the mirror, walk back and start laughing again. She just looked proud. it was so darn cute. I didnt have my video camera near by but will have to catch it on film next time i put her in it. i definetly think she is going to be a kid who likes to dress up!!! She is always putting my hats on, playing with my shoes, going through her dresser and pulling everything out, looking at it, throwing it back in there...it will lead, hopefully, to many fashion shows in the future!

She started doing the most precious thing, maybe all kids do, but i adore it. When i am holding her or walkign with her or laying with her, she will put her arm around my neck and either play with my hair or just rub the back of my neck. Its so sweet and it just melts my heart.

I wish I had video camera built into myself, that recorded her whole life through my eyes. I want so badly for her to see herself through my eyes, now, in fifteen years when things are awkward, in 20 years when she's looking for a spouse, in 30 years when she's having her own kids, i want her to know how she is absolute perfection. I want to be able to replay for everyone the moments that have made me the proudest mama, the memories i never want to forget. I want to replay every moment of her life over and over again becasue she is growing up way too fast. I have been lookign back at pictures of when she was born and it just brings tears to my eyes hwo much she has changed in only 10 and a half months. Talk about taking nothing for granted! My tiny baby is getting so big, learning so much, changing so drastically...i just want to hold her and tell her to slow down... I want her to stay my sweet little baby girl forever. She's just amazing.