Today has been both really good and really difficult. I have been praying alot about the whole going back to work thing. I really really cant imagine leaving my angel...not for two hours let alone all day. Everytime i think of it, i get sick to my stomach. She is just so little and well, she's my angel. I just cant imagine missing her first step or her first crawl or her first word- I want to be there for everything and i dont want her to ever feel like i abandoned her or left her or chose work over her or anything. It makes me so incredibly sad when i think about it. Truthfully, i wish I didnt have to go back, that i could stay home with her and I could teach her things and snuggle her and be the only person she goest o when she's sad or upset. I want to always be the one to comfort her. I want her to know that she is such a blessing to me and that she is the most important thing to me. Someone said the other day- "its money or time with your baby and there comes a point where you have to decide what is most important." I cant stop thinking about that. OF COURSE, she is the most important thing. And if i felt we could survive without me going back to work, i would stay home in a heartbeat. I know she didnt mean to make me feel bad, but it really did. I just know that the only way we can survive and the only responsible thing for me to do at this point is to go back to work, pay off some debt, get a savings built up and eventually (God willing) I can stay home with her. I always thought i wuold want to be a working mom. I thought i would be bored staying at home...but now that i have her, i cant imagine going back. I only have two weeks left with her before i will have to do somehting.
Last night, while shopping with my oh-so- in- labor sister, she got a phone call from Phillippe and he told her that one of his cliets was looking for an admin assistant. and asked if he knew anyone that would be a good fit. He mentioned my name and her and i spoke today. It sounds like the job is mine if i want it. The p ay is more than double anything i have ever made before and the job seems perfect, flexible, potential to make alot of money, a great atmosphere....the only thing is that it now feels very real that i will have to leave her. before i htink i was pretending that I could just stay at home. I didnt have a job lined up so i could pretend i wasnt ever going to have one.
I am lucky that rudy doesnt go to work til noon and i can get off at 3:30 so she will be with her parents most of the day- but she will still be away from me , her momma for 8 hours- i cant make my heart be okay with that.
We have a really amazing family friend whom i have talked to about taking her part time. She said this would work out and i feel trully blessed to have her be the one to watch vaughnie. the only next best thing to being a stay at home mom is having someone that you know loves your child and has their best interest at heart to watch them. I think if i had to take her to a center- i would just fade away. I know that millions of moms go to work every day...i just think it must be the hardest thing a mom ever has to do. You are all blessed who are in financially secure situations and can stay home with your babies. Thanks barb for taking away some of the stress of leaving my girly. I know she will be in good hands.
Anyways, all ngiht i have been a bawling mess. Rudy keeps assuring me that she wont feel abandoned or unloved and that i will have a harder time than her. I know this is true- i just cant get over it. Pray that my heart feels at ease about going back to work and i have a sense of peace about it.
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