dreadful day tomorrow

Here it is sunday and i am DREADING going back to work tomorrow! I am seriously sick to my stomach about it. I bawled while putting VE to bed and just rocked her and cuddled her and cried. Im such a baby! It is just breaking my heart to leave her! Luckily this week will just be from 11:30-5 (or earlier if I can get there sooner) but still, thats along time. I just wish I could explain it to her and tell her she would be fine and make new friends and that i wasnt leaving or abandoning her and I didnt want to go and that she hasnt done anything wrong and that its not what i really want...i just feel like she is going to think its her fault or that she's being punished. That kills me. This has not been the way I imagined it! I really did think I would get called for the census and am still holding out for that. It is just killing me...here I go, crying again. I am sure its normal for moms to be sad when they have to leave their children and I did it before, so I know that it doesnt get easier on the moms but it does on the kiddos. It sucks that its not right next to my work like it has been in the past. Its hard to know that if she gets sick it will take me a half hour to get to her. I just feel like i am going to cry the entire way to work tomorrow...and probably all day there too! I was hoping to get to go visit the new sitters house with Ve this weekend so she woulkdnt be going to a strange place but they were out of town. I am having rudy go an hour early tomorrow and sit and play with her. I am glad he is taking her, I couldnt stand to leave if/when she cries. boy, im a mess. I hope I get all these tears out by tomorrow! Rudy is dreading it too, he hates that i have to do this....and is hoping by summer something will have changed. he would like me to do in home daycare and i wouldnt mind that either. I keep telling myself this is a good thing for vaughnie, she will make friends and they do alot of art projects and have curriculum and do lesson plans so it will be great for her to learn and experience that with other children. I keep telling myself that....over and over and my heart just knows that no one takes care of babies like their moms do. No one will love her or feel for her when she falls and gets hurt, no one will be able to pay one on one attention to her, no one will cherish those little facial expressions and learning moments like I do.

Ok Meghan, pull it together. Day by day. I just feel like I am failing as a mother. And at the same time i know financially this is a wise move. I went and looked at a townhome here in Adel today that would be good for us. It was small but had three bedrooms, a humongous back yard, really nice little kitchen, big living room, it would be perfect for us...and I could afford it with this job. So I keep thinking of those things. We will be able to bond better as a family on our own and it will make me more confident to be on my own...and yet.....i will miss her every- single- second of the day!

I am gonna need lots of prayers tomorrow throughout the day!