I still have a headache. rudy came over, thought we were going to watch a movie and i was so irritated by him that all i could do was argue with him. I hate getting like that. its no fun and it makes me mad that i even had him come over- he was expecting to just hang out and i had to start that. I am starting to feel like things will never be okay with him and i. Somedays we talk and are fine and civil, others i am so annoyed by his lack of maturity that i could scream. I just want him to grow up...is that really too much to ask? I probably shouldnt be writing this- but hey, its what is consuming me so i am going to. He is still so selfish...i thought a child would fix that- i was very wrong. He adores vaughn-elise, i know this, but even when it comes to ehr he is sitll selfish- he is still first on his own list of priorities. I hate that. Mostly, i hate that for vaughn's sake. I want him to see her as the most important, someone he would do anythign for. instead he complains that he has to drive an extra five miles to get her on the days i have PT, in my opinion he should be thanking me for letting him have her an extra hour. But no. I just cant stand it. I am tired of just being civil with someone. I am tired of paying attention to someone who views me only as an "option...maybe possibly down the line if nothing else works out." that makes me sick that i have lost myself enough in this to have ever taken part in that sort of a relationship. I dont know what to do anymore. Again i will say i only want what is best for vaughn. right now, planning the future is too difficult to fathom and day by day is overwhelming enough.