I have been home sick for 4 days...felt sick for 6 and am finally finally feeling better. Bronchitis on the verge of pnuemonia- fever and the pukes to boot. I have REALLY enjoyed being home. I have not gotten much done up until today since I could barely sit up but its back to work tomorrow. Hopefully soon I wont have to say that anymore but for now- I'll force a smile and go back. Ugh!

Being home has made me restless. I watched both Under the Tuscan Sun and Eat Pray Love and let me tell you- I think my soul is on a winery in Tuscany! I would LOVE to do that...for a year, or two or three. How amazing, peaceful and settling would that be!?

I feel like most of the time I spend running...in circles....forgetting everything about who I am and losing myself every.single.day. I know some would say "well then just be you." its not that I am not. I am. But between early mornings, working full days, raising a toddler and crashing at a usual 9 pm only to get up and do it all over again (or stay up all hours of the night editing photos) I feel like....Where am I.  I feel like I need to create....I need to paint, I need to sing, I need to read good books, I need to be in complete silence, or alone with my music or have hours to sit and write.....I remember when I used to do that....how amazing I felt....how "centered" I felt....Now, Now I just feel like a ball of chaos, always spinning my wheel trying to get "there" and getting no where. I told rudy, I dont feel that I even have time for any routines with Vaughn- No time to sit and be with her doing things we love.  I sometimes just feel like I am losing my grip and the precious moments that I long for. With my daughter, with my husband, with myself. When Rudy and I fight I often wonder Am I mad at him? Or am I mad at me for losing myself in his presence? Am I mad that even he cant stop me from getting lost in the maddness? 

Vaughn-elise was walking across the room the other day. I was on the couch doing who knows what and she turned and looked at me....walked a few more steps and turned and walked toward me. She got VERY close to my face, touched my forehead and said "Mama, you have the most beaut-eous eyes.  They are soo colorful and sparkly." and then she kissed my cheek and went along with her way. When is the last time someone said something so precious to me? When did I stop and notice someone's eyes? When's the last time I stopped to REALLY notice anything?

Wake up Meghan, Your life is not going to slow down....so YOU NEED TO!