not to be a debbie downer

But...I am completely and totally, unmistakeably sick and tired of living in pain. These past few months have been the worst as far as pain goes that I can imagine. My bones- my bones feel like I am 95, pained by any change in temperature- even within the controlled temp in my house. I have had the heat up to 90 simply so I can sit by a register and get warm. My wrists, shoulders, every.single.bone in my back, my hips, knees and ankle (alll on my right side) hurt. bad. I can hardly type or hold a fork sometimes. And these add'l bones just started hurting- before it was just my hip and ribs.

I am not trying to complain but there has to be SOME relief somewhere, somehow. I WISH doctors would listen to me when I tell them that something is wrong. Its not just me being lazy and complaining. I can barely get out of bed most mornings I am so stiff and in so much pain. I am tired of living on pain pills, not being able to get on the floor to play with Vaughn, feeling too tired to read books, too exhuasted to even talk most of the time. My poor kiddo!!

Going to an apt tomorrow morning for my hip and we'll see what they say. My guess is nothing. since thats what always happens. I will be switching family doctors because all mine wants to do is throw perscriptions at me for pain pills and send me on my way. I HATE PAIN PILLS. i dont want to take them. I want to feel better! UGHHHH.

Just thought I'd share

For probably 3 years now, every location I have lived (which is a LOT) I have kept on my fridge a magazine insert that had family friendly ideas or resolutions on it. They are cute, fun, thought provoking and I have never taken the list down. I just re read it and thought I'd share some of the super fab ideas it offers. Hope you can take a couple. There are a hundred, I wont share that many!

• camp overnight in the living room, have a pillow fight.
• clean the garage. the goal? Broom hockey, tape up the floor, hand out brooms and a ball and go to town!
• have a family memory night where everyone rights down favorite and funniest memories and then they are read aloud during dinner.
• create your own family holiday to be done every year. Pick a random date, invite each family member to help with planning a unique celebration. (sounds super fun!)
• once a week leave an I Love You note in a random spot for one family member. (a shoe, coat pocket, a sticky on the laptop. etc)
• Eat your way through the alphabet over the course of 26 days. A is for aebleskiver, b is for baklaava, c is for calamarie, you get the picture).
• start a prayer jar. When something is needing prayed about, write it down-when its weighing on your heart or you are worried about a specific thing- put it in the prayer jar and at the end of the year, go back through and read them to remember God's faithfulness and how he has resolved these needs. (such a great idea!!!)
• When your child is sharing something with you, stop everythign you are doing- look them in the eye and ask a follow up question. Always.
• Chose someone from a news story in a foreign country and pray for them all year.
• fill a jar with fun local things to do and draw one out every week, two weeks, month- whatever.
• mac n cheese by candlelight. Have a low stress meal all done up with fancy clothes, candles, music.
• make a list of 12 parks in the area- visit a new one each month.
• create a family quote board. when someone says something funny or strange, post it on the board so everyone can see.
• research new years traditions from the country or your heritage and pass them along to your family as new traditions.
• leave small "kind word" notes or love letters under the pillows of your family members.
• once a month, invite a family over for dinner on the spur of the moment. The house will be messy, the food will be take out and the evening will be fantastic!
• Celebrate the little stuff. Hang banners for goal scorers, shoe typing experts etc and honor tooth losers by serving pudding for dessert.

Now, go love on your families!

Welcome, Welcome 2012!

So, I'm a day late and a dollar short. I haven't blogged about Vaughn's birthday, halloween, Thanksgiving or Christmas festivities. So much so much has happened. We did a 24 day advent calendar of activities leading up to Chrismtas which is a welcome new tradition and so much fun, we built our first gingerbread house and went ice skating! Vaughn got up every morning so excited to see what her bag had to hold for the day and see how many days were left til Christmas. I will post more on the above mentioned special occassions and its a resolution to be better about blogging. Truth be told, sometimes when I've been on the computer editing for hours the last thing I want to do is get BACK on it to blog. But I'll be better- I swear.

I was SO ready to kiss 2011 goodbye and welcome 2012 with open arms. 2011 was for me, one of the WORST years I have ever had. A year where I was broken, sad, confused, lost & desperate. My focus was on trying to fix everythign instead of TRUSTING THE PROCESS. (another resolution of mine this year. TRUST THE PROCESS). I dont know what that process is or is supposed to be but I have to trust that its all happening at whatever speed and however it should. I just need to bask in it.


The new year was spent at my grandma's house in Illinios. I had debated up until hours before the trip if I would be going or not. Its a long drive, for Vaughn and myself and I have not been feeling too good. On top of that I have mounds of editing I need to catch up on. But I went. Turns out it was just what I needed. I needed to be hours away from all distractions, miles away from the people who cause me confusion and the things I have on my mind. I got to wrap gifts and spend some time with grandma and we played Banana Grams to bring in the new year, in our jammies.

December 31st, night, barefoot, shorts. Insane!

The kids all went outside at some random time like 8:30 before bed and whooped and hollered under the lit up trees outside to bring in the new year. They had fun and felt like real party animals. We had fun and felt like anything but party animals. I was just thankful to be able to stay awake that long! Here are some pics.

I got a Ukelele for Christmas. SO EXCITED. I have learned several chords but still cannot play a darn thing. Vaughn however is getting a big kick out of waking me up in the mornings with my "Galalee." She's gonna be a star. of that I'm certain.

Oh the memories. These shall stay with her forever. I have vivid and fond fond memories being up in this tractor with my uncle and grandpa. Dusty, uncomfortable and beautiful. Makes me full of joy that she loves it too!

Ice skating. I am so blessed to have an ex husband who still see's the imporance in getting together with us to do these fun activities. He helped me get my ice skates on, pulled us both up to the ice and I put one foot on and decided not to go. :( too unstable and the last thing i needed was for my hip to break before the holidays. They had so much fun. they got around the rink 2 times in an hour. But the memories are well worth it.

New Years Eve at my grandmas. This is how she celebrated.

Now for the Resolutions!
Sometimes they seem stupid to do. No one follows through- but I do them anyways.

*2012 is a year of finding myself. Its a year to celebrate and get back to who I am , what I want and to shape our lives to be full of dignity, self expression and love.
*to actually do the things I see on pinterest and not just pin them. Recipes, crafts, the whole bit.
*try new restaurants, new drinks, travel to new places, meet new people and make new friends.
*blog more regularly
*learn the Ukelele
*Be more financially secure and keep chipping away at any debt.
*Trust the process!
*Grow my business and push myself further in creativity.
*

28? What the crap!!!

Shut the front door?!?!? Twenty Eight? Impossible-no freaking way! I cannot believe I am going to be 28 tomorrow. For some reason- this year I seem OLLLLD. 2 more years in my twenties and then its bye bye youth- hello face lifts, "can't drink caffeine to close to bed or I'll never sleep", bladder control problems and menopause. No.Thanks. :)
I feel like 27 was a vapor...a smelly breathe breathed out by the crap of life....it was a mist I am thankful to be beyond...but a year that was, in my opinion, sucky. One I'd love to redo- with better results...but since I can't....its one foot out the door and a turn of the page for this girl.
28...Im gonna rock at being 28. I'm gonna reach the goals I set out to do, gonna rediscover who I am. I'm going to have no apologies for the person I am or the way I think and feel and I am going to own everyday of it, volunteer more, read more stories to my girl and pinterest daily!  Hey, 28 doesn't sound so bad! 

Happy Birthday to me!

PS, My sweet daughter is always thinking about everyone else. Tonight before bed she got a little emotional and said "but mama, daddy didnt take me to buy you anything for your birthday! what am I supposed tot  give you?" and I said "you can color me a beautiful picture!" and she said she does that everyday.....and then she said "let me think about it and I'll let you know tomorrow." So sweet. Love her.

Dear Vaughnie

Oh my love. You are four! How did you so quickly turn 4 years old? I remember holding you as a baby and wondering what your voice would sound like, what your first day of school would feel like, what your little personality would be like. I have never been so blessed. Never. You are my most precious. Every single day you say things and do things that melt my heart. Your sweet smile, your precious face. Your new hair cut-oh my. You look so grown up! Everytime I tell you I love you to the moon and back you tell me "I love you to the sun and back cause its farther away." or when your quietly playing and I say "i love you vaughnie girl" you say softly and quietly while you continue playing "I love you more mama." My cup runneth over. You are a gift. I thought I knew what life was about and daily you teach me, remind me, make me laugh until I cry, make me cry because I love you so incredibly much. This 4th year has been so very trying and difficult for us as a duo....but girl, you hold strong. You remind me that "we'll be just fine mama" or that "we're all we need" or that "its gonna be alllllright." and your right. We got it all right here with each other.  You are wise beyond your years. You still have your most trying times as every child and test me more than I think I can manage sometimes but you have quiet understanding that sometimes things are just not what you imagined and thats okay. We are bound for great things my love. We are about to move into our new home and I am so blessed that you manage changes so very well. You are my everything sweet girl. Your mama is so very very very proud of you. Happy birthday my love. Happy 4th year.

Love you so incredibly much, love your mama :)

Illinois & Happy 4th Baby

A couple of weeks ago we went to Illinios for the Color Drive. MUCH CHERISHED time on the farm {which happens to be my most favorite place in the entire universe} and a memory that we have been having since...well...since I can remember! We go every October, over Vaughn's birthday weekend and she thinks the entire festival is just for her. We let her think it. Its sweet. Fall festivals, garage sales galore, family coming out of the woodwork {we have a huge family-love every.single.one of them}We gather at my gmas and have hay rides, weenie roast, tractor rides, laughter....pure bliss. pure joy. This year, I was blessed by my ability to go for an entire week. It was perfection....except that we are missing my grandpa. Oh, my heart aches every time that we drive into the town and I know he will not be standing at the door saying "hey sis" and giving us big hugs. I miss his smell, his laugh, his hands, his stark white calves, I miss seeing him walking in from the field and just sitting back and enjoying his family. He was the glue. We miss him every.single.day. But he is sure talked about when we all get together, we bring him back by loving our memories of him together- as a family.

This year, gma had a garage sale during the "color drive". Oh the stuff that woman has. Oh the value she see's in it all!

Can't forget about the cows. Hours of entertainment for the kids. Thanks cows...for the babysitting.

Amanda said these are not photo worthy- I beg to differ- To all those who knew nothing of their existence. Here you have it, wheat buns! Who'da thunk it?

Uncle Phillippe taking the kids on a 4 wheel ride (much to fast, I might ad) ;)

Much like the Iowa State Fair, the one "must have" food at the color drive? a corndog. Sick, I know- but oh so tasty.

Andrea, my cousin who came all the way from Az to see us! She'd never experienced the soggy goodness of a walking taco. These were, well....not the best I've ever tasted.

FOUR! 4?!!!! F.O.U.R!?!?! How did my BABY girl turn 4 already!? We celebrated with a balloon decorated room, gifts, color driving and family time. We even baked a multitude of cupcakes!

Here she is. My sweet grandma. I know she'd kill me if she saw this picture. But this is her. My grandma. Exactly as I know her. Exactly as I love her.

on the Hay ride!

a favorite memory

I have been lacking in blogging about our Wisconsin Trip (was brought to my attention by my uncle Greg! Sorry!!) So I will blog about certain memories at a time. Our last night in Wisco was epic. We all went down to the pool for some R & R and while I put away our stuff, my mom stuck her feet into the hot tub. (sorry mom, I'm outting you here!). AS SOON as she did so a man, (see below) came "swimming over" (more of a slow hop- as you can see via the pick, this was unpleasant to watch) and said "well how are YOU doing tonight?" Uh-oh....it started.  My dad, me and vaughn watched from the pool, I could NOT Stop laughing as he literally held her hostage...he would NOT leave her alone. 45 minutes later and he was STILL talking to her...about things such as different kinds of Wisconsin cheeses and history of the town. Strange. He wasnt even from there. My mom, trying to be a nice lady just kept saying "woooow" "woooow". over and over. It.Was.Hillarious. My cousins ended up coming down as well and we were all laughing so hard as he hung himself over the side of the hot tub chatting with NO ONE but my mom. Poor thing, she tried engaging in conversation with us all instead and he just kept talking. My dad was laughing so hard. We all felt bad for her, but whats a person to do? As he was getting out to leave (finally, after what felt like DAYS) my cousins husband was walking in. The weirdo stopped and asked /yelled him about whether he was bringing a glass bottle into the pool because that is PROHIBITED! He then continued to pull some wall mounted thing down before he exited....a HUGE sigh of relief was let out , along with giggles. What a memory. ITs hard to put into words....so, if this post seems dumb, then I guess you just had to be there!

all of us gawking at the train wreck situation. Even vaughn cant stop watching.

Poor mom. Oh. Just look. Yeah, you can feel her pain. The crack kept getting bigger and bigger- us gawkers were suffering to!