In the water??

I have to be honest- this weekend has been possibly the most challenging for me from all of the weekends the past nine months. Possibly harder than any of the weeks combined. i just cant seem to get happy. Sometimes, i feel like i am doing this all on my own- and im sure if it came down to it- i could. But i really dont want to have to do that. By this point, i should have all the last minute things done and for the most part i do, but there are many things i need help with or cant do on my own and those are still on the list of things waiting to get done. Those are for the most part the things that NEED To be done. I have had such an emotional weekend and realizing that this is the last weekend i will ever ever ever have of just being myself, with no little one, has been more saddening for me than exciting. This in itself is challenging. I expected to be extatic and excited and i am a little, but i am mostly just super sad, super super stressed and frazzled. Rudy went back to the quad cities again this weekend- of all weekends, right when i could have really used some extra help- and if nothing more- support. But i try not to let it get to me and just lean on the people that are here. I just keep telling myself he doesnt get it?
While i have been complaining and worrying about having people at the hospital, God has changed my heart on this matter- I am now feeling incredibly blessed that i have those people who want to be supportive and there for me and this baby- I am realizing those people are few and far between and finding people you can count on, not once in a while, but always, is a true treasure.
I called my friend, kendal, last night- a bawling mess and she was at my door in ten minutes. We went to a good dinner and then caught a movie. Neither of us cared what we saw, just to be out and not having my mind on all the things here that need done was such a relief. We ended up seeing The Brave One. It was such a good movie- quite twisted and quite gorrey (sp?) but it was one that kept my attention so well I didnt miss the fact that i had forgotten to get snacks or a drink! That says alot for me:) The only bad part was it was a late late movie and i got home around one, went to bed and was up all night with nightmares....bad ones. Would have been nice to not be home alone.
It is embarrassing and sad for me to have to ask other people for the help that i need to get these last minute things done. I love rudy, i really really do...i just dont understand him or why he doesnt see that i need his help. I am going to my sisters today to have p hillippe help me put in the car seat- its been on my to do list for weeks and i have tried numerous times and cant get it in right. My sister is going to help me pack the hospital bag- another task i have tried to do numerous times and all i can do is stand around staring at everything and nothing gets put in the bag. What would i do without them??? Bless them- they are the excited that i wish i could feel right now.
I think i want to be a kangaroo- take her out so i can see her and love on her, but then let me put her back in until im really ready for her...i know, its a horrible thing to say that!
I dont know that i have ever in all of my life been this overwhelmed, scared, frustrated or anxious. I feel like a mess. I cant even make macaroni without crying into the pot.
I cant wait to see you all soon- hopefully these hormones will have cleared up by then.