"Sometimes the best way to move into the unknown is to take familiar steps, small steps. To do ordinary things to deal with something that is in no way ordinary. We're always going someplace new, all the time. Familiar things just let us pretend that we aren't moving into unfamiliar territory. You take those small familiar steps, and you try to be honest, not to live as if nothing had changed but still to go on with your life. But there are times when what you need is a piece of how things used to be. "
-Allie Keys
Sunday, September 30, 2007
In the water??
I have to be honest- this weekend has been possibly the most challenging for me from all of the weekends the past nine months. Possibly harder than any of the weeks combined. i just cant seem to get happy. Sometimes, i feel like i am doing this all on my own- and im sure if it came down to it- i could. But i really dont want to have to do that. By this point, i should have all the last minute things done and for the most part i do, but there are many things i need help with or cant do on my own and those are still on the list of things waiting to get done. Those are for the most part the things that NEED To be done. I have had such an emotional weekend and realizing that this is the last weekend i will ever ever ever have of just being myself, with no little one, has been more saddening for me than exciting. This in itself is challenging. I expected to be extatic and excited and i am a little, but i am mostly just super sad, super super stressed and frazzled. Rudy went back to the quad cities again this weekend- of all weekends, right when i could have really used some extra help- and if nothing more- support. But i try not to let it get to me and just lean on the people that are here. I just keep telling myself he doesnt get it?
While i have been complaining and worrying about having people at the hospital, God has changed my heart on this matter- I am now feeling incredibly blessed that i have those people who want to be supportive and there for me and this baby- I am realizing those people are few and far between and finding people you can count on, not once in a while, but always, is a true treasure.
I called my friend, kendal, last night- a bawling mess and she was at my door in ten minutes. We went to a good dinner and then caught a movie. Neither of us cared what we saw, just to be out and not having my mind on all the things here that need done was such a relief. We ended up seeing The Brave One. It was such a good movie- quite twisted and quite gorrey (sp?) but it was one that kept my attention so well I didnt miss the fact that i had forgotten to get snacks or a drink! That says alot for me:) The only bad part was it was a late late movie and i got home around one, went to bed and was up all night with nightmares....bad ones. Would have been nice to not be home alone.
It is embarrassing and sad for me to have to ask other people for the help that i need to get these last minute things done. I love rudy, i really really do...i just dont understand him or why he doesnt see that i need his help. I am going to my sisters today to have p hillippe help me put in the car seat- its been on my to do list for weeks and i have tried numerous times and cant get it in right. My sister is going to help me pack the hospital bag- another task i have tried to do numerous times and all i can do is stand around staring at everything and nothing gets put in the bag. What would i do without them??? Bless them- they are the excited that i wish i could feel right now.
I think i want to be a kangaroo- take her out so i can see her and love on her, but then let me put her back in until im really ready for her...i know, its a horrible thing to say that!
I dont know that i have ever in all of my life been this overwhelmed, scared, frustrated or anxious. I feel like a mess. I cant even make macaroni without crying into the pot.
I cant wait to see you all soon- hopefully these hormones will have cleared up by then.
While i have been complaining and worrying about having people at the hospital, God has changed my heart on this matter- I am now feeling incredibly blessed that i have those people who want to be supportive and there for me and this baby- I am realizing those people are few and far between and finding people you can count on, not once in a while, but always, is a true treasure.
I called my friend, kendal, last night- a bawling mess and she was at my door in ten minutes. We went to a good dinner and then caught a movie. Neither of us cared what we saw, just to be out and not having my mind on all the things here that need done was such a relief. We ended up seeing The Brave One. It was such a good movie- quite twisted and quite gorrey (sp?) but it was one that kept my attention so well I didnt miss the fact that i had forgotten to get snacks or a drink! That says alot for me:) The only bad part was it was a late late movie and i got home around one, went to bed and was up all night with nightmares....bad ones. Would have been nice to not be home alone.
It is embarrassing and sad for me to have to ask other people for the help that i need to get these last minute things done. I love rudy, i really really do...i just dont understand him or why he doesnt see that i need his help. I am going to my sisters today to have p hillippe help me put in the car seat- its been on my to do list for weeks and i have tried numerous times and cant get it in right. My sister is going to help me pack the hospital bag- another task i have tried to do numerous times and all i can do is stand around staring at everything and nothing gets put in the bag. What would i do without them??? Bless them- they are the excited that i wish i could feel right now.
I think i want to be a kangaroo- take her out so i can see her and love on her, but then let me put her back in until im really ready for her...i know, its a horrible thing to say that!
I dont know that i have ever in all of my life been this overwhelmed, scared, frustrated or anxious. I feel like a mess. I cant even make macaroni without crying into the pot.
I cant wait to see you all soon- hopefully these hormones will have cleared up by then.
Friday, September 28, 2007
beautiful day
Today was a great day- nothing super big happened and i really didnt accomplish too much, but it was just a good day. The weather is gorgeous and a good friend from college that i havent seen in about two years called and was in des moines for the day so she stopped over for a few hours. It was nice to catch up and get to see her again. I got a great uplifting email from a good friend in alaska. I got my car cleaned out and some bills taken care of. The exterminator came and while the bedroom is still a mess and im still broke- I get to meet my daughter in just three days. My Daughter!!!! thats so crazy!!! Rudy reminded me this morning that this is the last friday that we're not going to have her. Its so strange.
I finally got around to posting an add to teach photography classes here in des moines and hope i get a good response from that. I will have to start them the first of november but its worth it not be stressed about money and since they are only an hour long- it wont be too bad. I figure if this works out, it will be enough money for me to stay home and not have to go back to work. Also, a good friend last night asked me if i would consider watching her two year old and soon to be new born in feb/march. This would be nice as she lives close and we've been great friends for a long time...it wouldnt pay what a full time job does but i also wouldnt have to worry about childcare. We will have to see how it all works out but its refreshing to know i have options.
Im ready for a great weekend.
I finally got around to posting an add to teach photography classes here in des moines and hope i get a good response from that. I will have to start them the first of november but its worth it not be stressed about money and since they are only an hour long- it wont be too bad. I figure if this works out, it will be enough money for me to stay home and not have to go back to work. Also, a good friend last night asked me if i would consider watching her two year old and soon to be new born in feb/march. This would be nice as she lives close and we've been great friends for a long time...it wouldnt pay what a full time job does but i also wouldnt have to worry about childcare. We will have to see how it all works out but its refreshing to know i have options.
Im ready for a great weekend.
Freedom??
My last weekend of "freedom"... SCARY! I went to dinner with the girls from sport about last night and it was so nice to just be out with the girls (and one of thier little boys) and just be able to catch up with them. All but one of them are moms and it was nice that i didnt have to say my fears or concerns, they just seemed to know and spoke conversations that were comforting and reassuring and i left feeling much better and more excited than nervous. It was much needed. My parents are away this weekend and im am hoping nothing big happens!!! (Aside from some possibly fabulous garage sale finds and maybe some great rest)
The exterminator still hasnt come so once again, i will rework my schedule around him coming today- im just ready to be done with bugs!
While i have been so thankful to be done with work and just have some time to relax and get some stuff done, it feels weird not going in there and seeing the clients etc. It feels like im playing hookey, and while its fun- i keep thinking my phone is going to ring with my manager asking where I am, and everytime i go out of the house i feel like i have to hide incase someone from work sees me and wonders why i didnt show up for work. ITs a strange feeling- but one i can definetly get used to. I went in yesterday to pick up my paycheck and one of my favorite clients had written a long letter to me about how much i had changed her life and made her more positive about herself and how she really considered me a friend and she'd never forget me etc....it was the sweetest words i think ive heard from anyone for a long time and it was really touching. Its nice to be reminded that even when you are having a crappy time in your life- you can still help make other people's days better. It was just really sweet- a nice ending to a job i was beginning to hate.
My day will consist of folding clothes, packing the hospital bag, running errands, paying bills and hopefully some garage saling!!!! WAHOO. I bet your all jealous!
The exterminator still hasnt come so once again, i will rework my schedule around him coming today- im just ready to be done with bugs!
While i have been so thankful to be done with work and just have some time to relax and get some stuff done, it feels weird not going in there and seeing the clients etc. It feels like im playing hookey, and while its fun- i keep thinking my phone is going to ring with my manager asking where I am, and everytime i go out of the house i feel like i have to hide incase someone from work sees me and wonders why i didnt show up for work. ITs a strange feeling- but one i can definetly get used to. I went in yesterday to pick up my paycheck and one of my favorite clients had written a long letter to me about how much i had changed her life and made her more positive about herself and how she really considered me a friend and she'd never forget me etc....it was the sweetest words i think ive heard from anyone for a long time and it was really touching. Its nice to be reminded that even when you are having a crappy time in your life- you can still help make other people's days better. It was just really sweet- a nice ending to a job i was beginning to hate.
My day will consist of folding clothes, packing the hospital bag, running errands, paying bills and hopefully some garage saling!!!! WAHOO. I bet your all jealous!
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Thursday
Not a whole lot new today- Spending the day running errands again and hoping to get the car nice and clean so i can get the car seat installed today or tomorrow. I got alot accomplished yesterday which made me feel great!! While my errand running yesterday was unproductive (my mom is very right about my decision making skills disappearing since ive been pregnant), i was still able to feel like i got alot done; some thank you notes written, a little organizing done etc. We went to my parents last night for chili and corn bread and let me tell you what!!! AMAZING!!! I was in total heaven! I ate way way way too much and vaughn-elise let me know it later- but it was worth ever single minute of heart burn for each bite of the delisious chili! I think people who can make chili are pretty amazing. I love to cook but for some reason, that is the one thing that seems very overwhelming to me. Luckily i have a mom and dad who can whip up a batch like its no ones buisness.
They were (my parents) also extremely helpful last night. Rudy and I really appreciated them coming over and bringing some more stuff to help make the place homey. We now have a place to sit and eat when you all come over and visit, a dresser for our clothes and two recliners to help sooth the baby to sleep:) Its looking much nicer. The only room i have left to really clean before monday is the bedroom- getting it rearranged fror the cradle and one of the recliners.
Before monday??!!! Its werid to just say that....only 4 days left! Thats insane!!!
Tonight i am meeting the good ole "sport about for kids girls" out for dinner and am excited to see them all. One of the girls has moved back from the east coast and we are all anxious to get back together again. Today looks like its going to be a great day!
They were (my parents) also extremely helpful last night. Rudy and I really appreciated them coming over and bringing some more stuff to help make the place homey. We now have a place to sit and eat when you all come over and visit, a dresser for our clothes and two recliners to help sooth the baby to sleep:) Its looking much nicer. The only room i have left to really clean before monday is the bedroom- getting it rearranged fror the cradle and one of the recliners.
Before monday??!!! Its werid to just say that....only 4 days left! Thats insane!!!
Tonight i am meeting the good ole "sport about for kids girls" out for dinner and am excited to see them all. One of the girls has moved back from the east coast and we are all anxious to get back together again. Today looks like its going to be a great day!
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
exhaustion!
So today was a challenge to get through- thats about the nicest thing i can say.
The lack of help around the house and the desperate need to get it cleaned and organized is enough to make me have a stroke. i am tired of pushing, asking and begging and just ready to get it done...so even after a long day- im stuck cleaning. This sucks! I think it must be a difference in how we were raised...my house, deep cleaned weekly, not so much on the other end of the stick. Not so much- ever! I refuse to bring a newborn home to a nasty dirty place. SIGH... i need to sleep...obviously- the only thing i can seem to do is gripe and question why i am the only one working on anything...I dont understand how men can sit on a couch and turn the tv up while we are trying to the cook dinner, clean up after dinner, vaccum, organize etc... i, sometimes am glad i dont understand men...and other times, id give anything to understand them...just a little bit!!!!!
Stacie (my boss) must have felt my tension and could read (by the tens of hundreds of lists i had around me at work today) that i was overwhelmed and needed to have some time to do what i needed to do. SO, she gave me tomorrow (what was my last day ) off. While i have to stop in and get some things done- its more than nice to know i dont have to go in and work all day and then come home and get to get back to work.... I liked college better!!! For some reason, cleaning was my LAST priority then!
Anyways, Someone asked me today if i was excited for monday- i kinda laughed and said...."excited....terrified...they all feel the same." And its strange, because they do. A weird feeling in your stomach, anxiety and impatience, overtaking of the mind. Maybe its a mix of both.
Tomorrow night is chili and corn bread night at my parents and i am SO EXCITED!! Just what i need on a fall day to unwind and take a minute to breathe!!!
frazzled, emotional, crazy-
Meghan
The lack of help around the house and the desperate need to get it cleaned and organized is enough to make me have a stroke. i am tired of pushing, asking and begging and just ready to get it done...so even after a long day- im stuck cleaning. This sucks! I think it must be a difference in how we were raised...my house, deep cleaned weekly, not so much on the other end of the stick. Not so much- ever! I refuse to bring a newborn home to a nasty dirty place. SIGH... i need to sleep...obviously- the only thing i can seem to do is gripe and question why i am the only one working on anything...I dont understand how men can sit on a couch and turn the tv up while we are trying to the cook dinner, clean up after dinner, vaccum, organize etc... i, sometimes am glad i dont understand men...and other times, id give anything to understand them...just a little bit!!!!!
Stacie (my boss) must have felt my tension and could read (by the tens of hundreds of lists i had around me at work today) that i was overwhelmed and needed to have some time to do what i needed to do. SO, she gave me tomorrow (what was my last day ) off. While i have to stop in and get some things done- its more than nice to know i dont have to go in and work all day and then come home and get to get back to work.... I liked college better!!! For some reason, cleaning was my LAST priority then!
Anyways, Someone asked me today if i was excited for monday- i kinda laughed and said...."excited....terrified...they all feel the same." And its strange, because they do. A weird feeling in your stomach, anxiety and impatience, overtaking of the mind. Maybe its a mix of both.
Tomorrow night is chili and corn bread night at my parents and i am SO EXCITED!! Just what i need on a fall day to unwind and take a minute to breathe!!!
frazzled, emotional, crazy-
Meghan
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