4th of July

 Disclaimer: These photos are not great...but I adore her pride in showing off her garden, in her 2nd year of sparklers and her precious face. More pics will be posted after the 4th!

 For me, the 4th of July is full of awesome memories. I love not only what the 4th stands for but how fun it always was for me as a child. We spent the 4th of July at my gma and gpa's fam in Ill. Oh those memories are some of my most treasured. The heat, the water fights, the family, the talent shows, the fashion shows, pretend weddings, hide and seek, 4 wheeler rides, tractor rides, sparkler races, the noise, the love, the pure joy in my gpa's eyes. I miss that man every.single.day. I miss my gma too. I need to get there more often. That farm is my favorite.place.on.earth. The memories flood when I get close and I can still smell my grandpa. I have an old hankie of his that I keep and it still smells like him. Five years later. Still smells exactly like my grandpa. I treasure that. Its worn, its old, it is perfect. He loved loved seeing all his family together. We were all his pride and joy and I can see him staring out the window at us kids running and giggling, watching the family games of baseball with such pride, the hugs, the laughter, the kisses, his hard working hands that were so strong and beautiful-telling such a story. I.Miss.My.Grandpa. I miss both my grandpas but on the 4th, I miss my Grandpa Wayne so very much. I miss those memories as a child and the joy- the utter joy- that came to me with this holiday. I try and want to give those same gifts to Vaughn-elise that my parents gave me. Tradition. Vaughn-elise is so stinking excited about the 4th that she did not fall asleep until 11 today. Though she doesnt fully get it she knows its the day we became independent and she thinks thats pretty cool. I do too. She is excited to wear her red white and blue, wave her flag, see the parade, the picnic at gma and papas, the cooking before hand, the fun- the celebration. I am excited to get to do that with her. I am excited to make it fun for her. I hope that in 25 years she will look back on holidays with the same fondness and joy that I do. I hope I am able to capture the moments for her and create lasting traditions and memories and things she can look forward to every year. This month has been full of nothing but transitions for her. Emotions, transitions, questions. I am excited to be able to give her a day to just have a blast.  She's a precious girl.

settling in

We are officially settling in to our new place. It does not yet feel like home, though that is to be expected. The transition has been easier than I expected and Vaughn is getting alone quite well. She misses her daddy like crazy but understands that he has his own house and that this is our house now and she still gets to go to her old house and see daddy and alfie often. She is okay with that. She asks alot of questions and the most recent is that she's now pleased we have a fireplace because that means santa wont need a special key to get in. (she at this point is fine with santa, we'll leave it at that :) this is progress, friends, progress!) Rudy came to see her briefly last night and that seemed to help her some.

She has been sleeping in her own bed for the first time in her life and is sleeping all night long (so am I, so this is huge). I miss her being in bed with me- but it was time for her to be an independent sleeper and while I miss the snuggles and stories etc, I think it was easiest to transition everything at once....new room, new place, sleeping alone and she has done amazing. We say prayers, a story and then lights out and she usually comes out once and then is in bed for the night. Amen. This is huge! Before it was taking HOURS to get her to sleep and often she would not fall asleep until well into the ten oclock hour....now......seven thirty or eight and she's passed out!!!!

We were blessed to have Karen (Phillippes sister) give us a couch they had that they were not using so we now have a place to sit. Now we're just looking for a cheap two seater table! It feels good to be here for now and there has been really no hiccups thus far. Money at this point is my main concern but when isnt it, right?! IF you know anyone needing pictures or wedding photos, please send them my way!

Oh, I almost forgot! Vaughn started dance on Monday and LoVeD it! She was out there shaking her booty the whole time and adding steps and moves where they didnt belong! She took over that class. :) She is twirked that they dont have hip hop but said "maybe I can teach them how to do hip hop:)) She will be able to start that when she's 5 I guess. She really thought she was something else in her leotard and ballet slippers. They are doing one week of tap, ballet, jazz and tumbling to help the kids decide what to do in the fall. Should be fun. I am excited to have her involved in something that is all about her at this point and give her something to look forward to other than all the changes happening around us. She is super excited for the 4th of July and got a new blue tank top to wear. The day will include a parade, picnic and fun at mom and dads and then back here to waukee for fireworks! Cant wait!! I love the 4th of July!

Hope all is well with you!

my theme song for the day..

 One of the top things on my life list is to go to a rascal flatts concert. Today, this song of theirs is playing in my head on repeat.....


"Stand"

You feel like a candle in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless
Like you've lost your fight
But you'll be alright, you'll be alright

[Chorus:]
Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause its all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you Stand, Then you stand
Life's like a novel
With the end ripped out
The edge of a canyon
With only one way down
Take what you're given before its gone
Start holding on, keep holding on

Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend till you break
Cause it's all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad, you get strong
Wipe your hands, shake it off
Then you stand, then you stand

Everytime you get up
And get back in the race
One more small piece of you
Starts to fall into place
Oh

because even princess and ballerinas have to sleep...

my mind is like a record player

I wish my emotions would figure themselves out and remain in a constant climb toward feeling okay....but the truth is there are moments, hours, days when I am back to just being plain old sad. This week marks a big week for me....a week of moving out and moving on with my life and while that is needed and a fresh start, its also reality. reality that things will never.be.the.same. Reality that I will never go on vacation with, plan things with, talk to or lay next to my husband again. Its reality that I will be doing this all alone (without a spouse) indefinetly. Its reality that the routine I have known (while unstable) for 8 years will never again be my life. When he walked out the door tonight and I realized that in a few short days I would not see him leave, come home, or do anything again it really hit me. When he told Vaughn goodbye tonight, it hit me, when she asked if he was coming home tomorrow, it really hit me. She has been helping me pack and I have been talking about things in a positive light, but the truth is that I am still sad. I am sad about what I thought my life would be like and that its not. I am sad that I ever let it get here....to this point. I am sad that what I wanted and dreamed is now not ever going to be my reality....with him. Logically I know this is best. Logically I know that I have no choice but to start fresh and do it now. Logically I know that we were never meant to be together....but my heart is still breaking. I have attempted church 2 times since this all went down. Its humiliating to walk in that door. ....but I know I need to be there. And each time I just cry. Somehow sitting in church without distractions makes it hurt that much more. I am still feeling "injured", hurt, sad, lonely, devestated, angry, betrayed and sometimes I am feeling wilfull, strong, positive, refreshed and I never know at any moment when those emotions will hit me full on....any of the above...or a new one.
I feel like I do a great job of putting on my daily clothes and pretending that I am determined and fine and then I just randomly fall apart.

I am scared to be alone, in a place all night, every night, with bad dreams, scary noises, the quiet, the lonliness....I am afraid of what I dont know and afraid that I will be so very incredibly lonely with so much time to think. I am so scared and relieved about this week. Relieved that I wont have to be in this house, around his things, our memories, our life while he is not here, I am relieved that a new atmosphere may bring changes to our spirits, routine and overall outlook of the situation. I am relieved that I wont be up all night worrying about this stuff.

I can write these things on this blog becuase I know there are only a handful of people who read it and no one that would be offended or mad or judgemental. Its not "public" perse....just a few people and its healing for me to get to just write it out and say what I feel right now. Its a hard, sucky, sad, emotional night. The center of my chest is physically pained. My eyes burn and my throat feels swollen and I cant pack, clean or do homework. I am just sitting here, on the couch, tears streaming down my face and thinking "how did I get HERE?" " How is this MY life?" "When will this all pass and I will feel okay again?" and I know that eventually it wont be like this and eventually I will feel "normal" being a divorced single mom.....

I know this is my second chance, its rudy's second chance too....but its MY Second chance. My chance to show Vaughn what a strong women is like, what routine and simplicity and no drama feel like. Its my chance to be a focused, driven, loving women out to save the world....its our chance. I KNOW this. I am so very THANKFUL for second chances. I just wish that KNOWING these things would take away some of the hurt. Vaughn is very confused...wanting to know why we have to leave, why daddy has a different life, why he's not here at night, why he packs a bag everytime he goes, why things are in boxes. I know she also is resiliant and will be okay and will be strong and I know that what she's been living with is not okay....but the confusion she sometimes shows is devestating to a mothers heart.

I just ask for anyone reading this to take a minute to pray for all of us...that the path be lit with glorious light and that we will feel better with each day, that the pain will subside and the normalcy will come.

It's a beautiful day

I dont know what happened, or why the change in emotion but as of yesterday, I am okay. I am fine.....feels weird. I am sure I will break down again and have a melt down, I am sure I will still be hurt, sad, devestated even many times....but I realized that I WILL be fine. That THIS is my second chance...I keep saying "I am a believe and giver of 2nd chances and do overs." But I was offering uncountable second chances to someone who didnt want or deserve them....but it hit me that maybe someone is offering ME a second chance. Maybe this is supposed to be MY do over. MY chance for really feeling happy, empowered, selfish, excited, giddy...ME. That got me. When's the last time I felt EXCITED??!?!??!!! And maybe this is Rudy and I's chance to finally be on the same page....while we're not there yet....while what happened is still very traumatic and crappy....maybe THIS is the answer to the prayers I prayed for 8 years....

Its scary to think like that. Terrifying....but its also reassuring and helpful. I may not feel so "ok" in a couple hours but right now, I am feeling good and decided to tell the world! :) (or the 5 people who read this:)

weekends

Weekends used to be my refresher, my comforter, my renewal time of family time. This weekend, for the first time, my weekend has been anything but that. Its been painful, full of questions, full of hurt. Without going into too much detail on a public blog- just know that we need everyone to fall on their faces in prayer- like you would to save your own family. I need to know that I have people praying all over for us, that we feel your prayers and that God is able to work miracles in our hearts. This weekend changed my life.

My own pain I can deal with, the pain of my daughter on top of that pain of my heart and mind is more than I can survive. Of that, I am sure.

There is something about pain that comes from love that makes you wonder why you ever loved at all. If we knew that pain of this type existed, I am sure that no one would risk it. At least me, I never knew this sort of pain existed. I never knew there were parts of your body and mind that could hurt so badly.

They say love prevails all things. God, I hope so.