I wish my emotions would figure themselves out and remain in a constant climb toward feeling okay....but the truth is there are moments, hours, days when I am back to just being plain old sad. This week marks a big week for me....a week of moving out and moving on with my life and while that is needed and a fresh start, its also reality. reality that things will never.be.the.same. Reality that I will never go on vacation with, plan things with, talk to or lay next to my husband again. Its reality that I will be doing this all alone (without a spouse) indefinetly. Its reality that the routine I have known (while unstable) for 8 years will never again be my life. When he walked out the door tonight and I realized that in a few short days I would not see him leave, come home, or do anything again it really hit me. When he told Vaughn goodbye tonight, it hit me, when she asked if he was coming home tomorrow, it really hit me. She has been helping me pack and I have been talking about things in a positive light, but the truth is that I am still sad. I am sad about what I thought my life would be like and that its not. I am sad that I ever let it get here....to this point. I am sad that what I wanted and dreamed is now not ever going to be my reality....with him. Logically I know this is best. Logically I know that I have no choice but to start fresh and do it now. Logically I know that we were never meant to be together....but my heart is still breaking. I have attempted church 2 times since this all went down. Its humiliating to walk in that door. ....but I know I need to be there. And each time I just cry. Somehow sitting in church without distractions makes it hurt that much more. I am still feeling "injured", hurt, sad, lonely, devestated, angry, betrayed and sometimes I am feeling wilfull, strong, positive, refreshed and I never know at any moment when those emotions will hit me full on....any of the above...or a new one.
I feel like I do a great job of putting on my daily clothes and pretending that I am determined and fine and then I just randomly fall apart.
I am scared to be alone, in a place all night, every night, with bad dreams, scary noises, the quiet, the lonliness....I am afraid of what I dont know and afraid that I will be so very incredibly lonely with so much time to think. I am so scared and relieved about this week. Relieved that I wont have to be in this house, around his things, our memories, our life while he is not here, I am relieved that a new atmosphere may bring changes to our spirits, routine and overall outlook of the situation. I am relieved that I wont be up all night worrying about this stuff.
I can write these things on this blog becuase I know there are only a handful of people who read it and no one that would be offended or mad or judgemental. Its not "public" perse....just a few people and its healing for me to get to just write it out and say what I feel right now. Its a hard, sucky, sad, emotional night. The center of my chest is physically pained. My eyes burn and my throat feels swollen and I cant pack, clean or do homework. I am just sitting here, on the couch, tears streaming down my face and thinking "how did I get HERE?" " How is this MY life?" "When will this all pass and I will feel okay again?" and I know that eventually it wont be like this and eventually I will feel "normal" being a divorced single mom.....
I know this is my second chance, its rudy's second chance too....but its MY Second chance. My chance to show Vaughn what a strong women is like, what routine and simplicity and no drama feel like. Its my chance to be a focused, driven, loving women out to save the world....its our chance. I KNOW this. I am so very THANKFUL for second chances. I just wish that KNOWING these things would take away some of the hurt. Vaughn is very confused...wanting to know why we have to leave, why daddy has a different life, why he's not here at night, why he packs a bag everytime he goes, why things are in boxes. I know she also is resiliant and will be okay and will be strong and I know that what she's been living with is not okay....but the confusion she sometimes shows is devestating to a mothers heart.
I just ask for anyone reading this to take a minute to pray for all of us...that the path be lit with glorious light and that we will feel better with each day, that the pain will subside and the normalcy will come.
3 comments:
I completely understand how you feel and it is totally normal. No matter what "logic" says you should feel, your heart will feel what it wants (or even doesn't want) whenever it feels like it. You're doing a fantastic job of trying to see the positive and keep going! I am so impressed! The positive days will become more frequent and the difficult ones will be fewer and further between. Good luck!
I am praying for you Meghan. You are doing an amazing job with Vaughn. This sad chapter will end you are going to be fine. I'm so glad you are coming back to New Hope, I know its not easy, but God is there and He is pleased. We all make mistakes we wish we could change, but when I look back on the mistakes I've made, God was there, he allowed it, and I wouldn't be where I am today if I hadn't made them. It brought me closer to God, even when I wasn't close to Him at the time. Its amazing, you will be astonished when you look back on what He is doing. I'm so excited for your new start, I'm always here for you, our home is your home, you are only a couple minutes away, so come over anytime, we are here to help you. Vaughn is always welcome here if you need me to watch her, not a problem at all, I have room and would love her to feel comfortable in my home so you can leave her here whenever you need too. I love you girl, like my own daughter and am here for you anytime. You have so many blessings in your life, your parents and especially your Dad will be an important part of Vaughn's life as she will need to see strong males in her life, she is blessed to have him and Phillipe and Matt too. I am here and praying and as hard as it is, I'm praying for Rudy too, he is the one that is so lost and will have many years of struggles, you will move on with your life, with your terrific family, friends and especially Jesus Christ, but he doesn't have that and until he finds that, he is the one that will have a sad life.
Oh, Meghan...My heart breaks for you and goes out to you during this time. I haven't read your blog for a long time; I thought I lost it, then i read a comment you posted on your sisters tonight and I obviously found it again. So glad I did. I want you to know I will definitely be praying for you...often! And, I am excited to see more of you on Sunday's. You are a beautiful, strong woman and mother and you WILL get through this victoriously! You are loved.
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