Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Sunday, June 19, 2011
my mind is like a record player
I wish my emotions would figure themselves out and remain in a constant climb toward feeling okay....but the truth is there are moments, hours, days when I am back to just being plain old sad. This week marks a big week for me....a week of moving out and moving on with my life and while that is needed and a fresh start, its also reality. reality that things will never.be.the.same. Reality that I will never go on vacation with, plan things with, talk to or lay next to my husband again. Its reality that I will be doing this all alone (without a spouse) indefinetly. Its reality that the routine I have known (while unstable) for 8 years will never again be my life. When he walked out the door tonight and I realized that in a few short days I would not see him leave, come home, or do anything again it really hit me. When he told Vaughn goodbye tonight, it hit me, when she asked if he was coming home tomorrow, it really hit me. She has been helping me pack and I have been talking about things in a positive light, but the truth is that I am still sad. I am sad about what I thought my life would be like and that its not. I am sad that I ever let it get here....to this point. I am sad that what I wanted and dreamed is now not ever going to be my reality....with him. Logically I know this is best. Logically I know that I have no choice but to start fresh and do it now. Logically I know that we were never meant to be together....but my heart is still breaking. I have attempted church 2 times since this all went down. Its humiliating to walk in that door. ....but I know I need to be there. And each time I just cry. Somehow sitting in church without distractions makes it hurt that much more. I am still feeling "injured", hurt, sad, lonely, devestated, angry, betrayed and sometimes I am feeling wilfull, strong, positive, refreshed and I never know at any moment when those emotions will hit me full on....any of the above...or a new one.
I feel like I do a great job of putting on my daily clothes and pretending that I am determined and fine and then I just randomly fall apart.
I am scared to be alone, in a place all night, every night, with bad dreams, scary noises, the quiet, the lonliness....I am afraid of what I dont know and afraid that I will be so very incredibly lonely with so much time to think. I am so scared and relieved about this week. Relieved that I wont have to be in this house, around his things, our memories, our life while he is not here, I am relieved that a new atmosphere may bring changes to our spirits, routine and overall outlook of the situation. I am relieved that I wont be up all night worrying about this stuff.
I can write these things on this blog becuase I know there are only a handful of people who read it and no one that would be offended or mad or judgemental. Its not "public" perse....just a few people and its healing for me to get to just write it out and say what I feel right now. Its a hard, sucky, sad, emotional night. The center of my chest is physically pained. My eyes burn and my throat feels swollen and I cant pack, clean or do homework. I am just sitting here, on the couch, tears streaming down my face and thinking "how did I get HERE?" " How is this MY life?" "When will this all pass and I will feel okay again?" and I know that eventually it wont be like this and eventually I will feel "normal" being a divorced single mom.....
I know this is my second chance, its rudy's second chance too....but its MY Second chance. My chance to show Vaughn what a strong women is like, what routine and simplicity and no drama feel like. Its my chance to be a focused, driven, loving women out to save the world....its our chance. I KNOW this. I am so very THANKFUL for second chances. I just wish that KNOWING these things would take away some of the hurt. Vaughn is very confused...wanting to know why we have to leave, why daddy has a different life, why he's not here at night, why he packs a bag everytime he goes, why things are in boxes. I know she also is resiliant and will be okay and will be strong and I know that what she's been living with is not okay....but the confusion she sometimes shows is devestating to a mothers heart.
I just ask for anyone reading this to take a minute to pray for all of us...that the path be lit with glorious light and that we will feel better with each day, that the pain will subside and the normalcy will come.
I feel like I do a great job of putting on my daily clothes and pretending that I am determined and fine and then I just randomly fall apart.
I am scared to be alone, in a place all night, every night, with bad dreams, scary noises, the quiet, the lonliness....I am afraid of what I dont know and afraid that I will be so very incredibly lonely with so much time to think. I am so scared and relieved about this week. Relieved that I wont have to be in this house, around his things, our memories, our life while he is not here, I am relieved that a new atmosphere may bring changes to our spirits, routine and overall outlook of the situation. I am relieved that I wont be up all night worrying about this stuff.
I can write these things on this blog becuase I know there are only a handful of people who read it and no one that would be offended or mad or judgemental. Its not "public" perse....just a few people and its healing for me to get to just write it out and say what I feel right now. Its a hard, sucky, sad, emotional night. The center of my chest is physically pained. My eyes burn and my throat feels swollen and I cant pack, clean or do homework. I am just sitting here, on the couch, tears streaming down my face and thinking "how did I get HERE?" " How is this MY life?" "When will this all pass and I will feel okay again?" and I know that eventually it wont be like this and eventually I will feel "normal" being a divorced single mom.....
I know this is my second chance, its rudy's second chance too....but its MY Second chance. My chance to show Vaughn what a strong women is like, what routine and simplicity and no drama feel like. Its my chance to be a focused, driven, loving women out to save the world....its our chance. I KNOW this. I am so very THANKFUL for second chances. I just wish that KNOWING these things would take away some of the hurt. Vaughn is very confused...wanting to know why we have to leave, why daddy has a different life, why he's not here at night, why he packs a bag everytime he goes, why things are in boxes. I know she also is resiliant and will be okay and will be strong and I know that what she's been living with is not okay....but the confusion she sometimes shows is devestating to a mothers heart.
I just ask for anyone reading this to take a minute to pray for all of us...that the path be lit with glorious light and that we will feel better with each day, that the pain will subside and the normalcy will come.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
It's a beautiful day
I dont know what happened, or why the change in emotion but as of yesterday, I am okay. I am fine.....feels weird. I am sure I will break down again and have a melt down, I am sure I will still be hurt, sad, devestated even many times....but I realized that I WILL be fine. That THIS is my second chance...I keep saying "I am a believe and giver of 2nd chances and do overs." But I was offering uncountable second chances to someone who didnt want or deserve them....but it hit me that maybe someone is offering ME a second chance. Maybe this is supposed to be MY do over. MY chance for really feeling happy, empowered, selfish, excited, giddy...ME. That got me. When's the last time I felt EXCITED??!?!??!!! And maybe this is Rudy and I's chance to finally be on the same page....while we're not there yet....while what happened is still very traumatic and crappy....maybe THIS is the answer to the prayers I prayed for 8 years....
Its scary to think like that. Terrifying....but its also reassuring and helpful. I may not feel so "ok" in a couple hours but right now, I am feeling good and decided to tell the world! :) (or the 5 people who read this:)
Its scary to think like that. Terrifying....but its also reassuring and helpful. I may not feel so "ok" in a couple hours but right now, I am feeling good and decided to tell the world! :) (or the 5 people who read this:)
Sunday, May 22, 2011
weekends
Weekends used to be my refresher, my comforter, my renewal time of family time. This weekend, for the first time, my weekend has been anything but that. Its been painful, full of questions, full of hurt. Without going into too much detail on a public blog- just know that we need everyone to fall on their faces in prayer- like you would to save your own family. I need to know that I have people praying all over for us, that we feel your prayers and that God is able to work miracles in our hearts. This weekend changed my life.
My own pain I can deal with, the pain of my daughter on top of that pain of my heart and mind is more than I can survive. Of that, I am sure.
There is something about pain that comes from love that makes you wonder why you ever loved at all. If we knew that pain of this type existed, I am sure that no one would risk it. At least me, I never knew this sort of pain existed. I never knew there were parts of your body and mind that could hurt so badly.
They say love prevails all things. God, I hope so.
My own pain I can deal with, the pain of my daughter on top of that pain of my heart and mind is more than I can survive. Of that, I am sure.
There is something about pain that comes from love that makes you wonder why you ever loved at all. If we knew that pain of this type existed, I am sure that no one would risk it. At least me, I never knew this sort of pain existed. I never knew there were parts of your body and mind that could hurt so badly.
They say love prevails all things. God, I hope so.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Garage Sales are for the birds
I say it every.single.time I have a sale. Garage sales are rediculous and SO not worth the few bucks you get at them. This time, I have even been putting stuff back all year in bins....thinking I would be organized. But now, I am marking...ugh....I DREAD Marking garage sale stuff. I just want to get rid of it! I just want to say $5 per bag you can fill! And then my emotions get in the way...oh I remember when she wore this...oh, I remember when....UGH. so I end up marking everything according to its value to me and then questions why I am getting rid of it. Eventually I go back through it all and lower the prices....SO annoying.
Will be glad when its Sunday and the garage sale is done and leftovers have been taken to goodwill!
I also always wonder "will I wish I had kept this for my grandkids?"My mom kept lots of our stuff and its the grandkids favorite things to play with and bring back so many great memories for us! BUT, they have a much larger storage place than we do too :)
If anyone wants some cheap stuff...COME TO OUR SALE!
I will get easter pictures up soon....just as soon as this sale is over.
Will be glad when its Sunday and the garage sale is done and leftovers have been taken to goodwill!
I also always wonder "will I wish I had kept this for my grandkids?"My mom kept lots of our stuff and its the grandkids favorite things to play with and bring back so many great memories for us! BUT, they have a much larger storage place than we do too :)
If anyone wants some cheap stuff...COME TO OUR SALE!
I will get easter pictures up soon....just as soon as this sale is over.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Good Friday and Easter Love
Today was BUSY! I had a one on one training session with my professor in a class I was totally and completely lost in! It helped alot...and lasted allll morning. Then a doc apt. Turns out, my blood is way too thick again. Doubling doses of coumadin. Ugh. After that I picked up an order from my sweet beautiful friend Deena. She has started her own baking company and let me tell you- this girl ROCKS. From cookies to cakes, she's amazing. You can check out her blog at www.SimplyDeliciousCookies.blogspot.com .
Then I finished Easter shopping, came home, got the fam, went to dinner, attended Good Friday service and then got ice cream, cleaned and got food ready for the family get together tomorrow. I am sooo tired.
About the Good Friday service. My sweet Vaughnie was so sad when she found out that today was Good Friday. We have been using her "resurection eggs" to tell her all about the Easter story. So, when she found out it was Good Friday, she thought that today, in present day time, that Jesus was dying on the cross. She was quite upset. She said "I just cant wait for Easter when he can come back to life. Where is he now?" And I told her he is in Heaven. She corrected me sweetly and sad "You are WRONG Mama. He's in our hearts!" Ohhh my cup runeth over. I adore her.
I was slightly hesitant about taking her to Good Friday service at Hope Luthren Church because I was almost certain they would play clips from the Passions of the Christ movie. They did. She watched very intensly and picked out each character correctly. She was able to pick out Mary, Jesus, the "bad men". She was not as scared of it as I thought she would be. She said "Marys heart is breaking, right mom?"
The service was amazing. One of the pastors (all 7 from the church spoke regarding one of the seven quoted verses from Jesus.), a woman pastor, spoke about Mary. About how she must have felt watching them do that to her son, how she probably wanted to kill them, claw their eyes out, try to get Jesus down, how others around her probably had to hold her up and hold her back. This broke my heart. I had not thought too deeply about her thoughts on it before. Man, as a mom. This is tough.
The end of the service was quite amazing. They showed a clip, turnd off all the lights, candles etc and made the room pitch dark. A man sang a solo, and then on the big screen they played a video of a dove. and then there was a huge, loud, long rumble that shook the entire room for probably a solid minute or two. It felt, much like I expect if felt that day, when the grounds shook. They requsted we all walk out in silence, in the dark and "take it all in". Pretty intense.
And I got to share it with my husband (this is huge), my daughter (God bless her heart), and my best friend (shannon.) What a wonderful, blessed Friday night.
"He was peirced for our transgressions. Crushed for our sins. The punishment that brought US peace was upon HIM. By His wounds, By HIS wounds we are healed.".
Then I finished Easter shopping, came home, got the fam, went to dinner, attended Good Friday service and then got ice cream, cleaned and got food ready for the family get together tomorrow. I am sooo tired.
About the Good Friday service. My sweet Vaughnie was so sad when she found out that today was Good Friday. We have been using her "resurection eggs" to tell her all about the Easter story. So, when she found out it was Good Friday, she thought that today, in present day time, that Jesus was dying on the cross. She was quite upset. She said "I just cant wait for Easter when he can come back to life. Where is he now?" And I told her he is in Heaven. She corrected me sweetly and sad "You are WRONG Mama. He's in our hearts!" Ohhh my cup runeth over. I adore her.
I was slightly hesitant about taking her to Good Friday service at Hope Luthren Church because I was almost certain they would play clips from the Passions of the Christ movie. They did. She watched very intensly and picked out each character correctly. She was able to pick out Mary, Jesus, the "bad men". She was not as scared of it as I thought she would be. She said "Marys heart is breaking, right mom?"
The service was amazing. One of the pastors (all 7 from the church spoke regarding one of the seven quoted verses from Jesus.), a woman pastor, spoke about Mary. About how she must have felt watching them do that to her son, how she probably wanted to kill them, claw their eyes out, try to get Jesus down, how others around her probably had to hold her up and hold her back. This broke my heart. I had not thought too deeply about her thoughts on it before. Man, as a mom. This is tough.
The end of the service was quite amazing. They showed a clip, turnd off all the lights, candles etc and made the room pitch dark. A man sang a solo, and then on the big screen they played a video of a dove. and then there was a huge, loud, long rumble that shook the entire room for probably a solid minute or two. It felt, much like I expect if felt that day, when the grounds shook. They requsted we all walk out in silence, in the dark and "take it all in". Pretty intense.
And I got to share it with my husband (this is huge), my daughter (God bless her heart), and my best friend (shannon.) What a wonderful, blessed Friday night.
"He was peirced for our transgressions. Crushed for our sins. The punishment that brought US peace was upon HIM. By His wounds, By HIS wounds we are healed.".
Thursday, April 14, 2011
A dash of salt and a little pepper....
1.It is amazing, when you are right where God wants you to be, how easily things come. I am loving life as a stay at home mom. Rudy says it might be the best thing we've decided to do- I agree!
2. Vaughnie had her first dentist apt on Tuesday. She did GREAT. Perfect little teeth. She was alittle freaked out by the flossing (I dont floss her teeth at home) but otherwise she did awesome. Not one tear!!!
3. Also on Tuesday, She had her first bee/wasp sting. Ouch! She screamed the most becuase she knew a bug was on her, but once she found out she'd been stung (I dont think she felt that part) she of course, had a fit over that too. The funny thing is that now she thinks every.thing.is.going.to.sting.her! Its sad and funny all in one. She got cheese on her hand at lunch today and started crying it was going to sting her. I told her to chill out, cheese doesnt sting and she said (gotta give the girl credit) "Yeah, well...I didnt think that bee would sting me either and look what happened!!!!" Oh, she's too funny!
4. I have an apt tomorrow for a HUGE wedding shoot. This would be double to triple the income than my normal weddings. Pray that its a good match! I always pray about my brides and grooms and that the right ones find me and its a great match. I have not had too shabby of luck so far and have ended up becoming friends with some of them before, some after the weddings....this couple is ADORABLE and would be soo much fun to work with. I have been dreaming of doing a shoot at this one coffee house downtown, its amazing and would be great for a photojournalistic shoot....I was telling rudy all about it and the next day I met this couple, and he WORKS there! AND they said they have been wanting to have their engagement shoot there!! Tomorrow is our second meeting so I am hoping they book!
5. So this is what it feels like??? Rudy and I went to the Weekend to Remember marriage conference about a month ago. Things with us had been ROUGH for....well, 6 years. haha. We love the heck out of each other, but I am a fighter....or I have been. I am not a silent bite your tongue kinda girl...I tell it like it is. Rudy is the opposite. He avoids conflict and would rather sit silent. Our relationship has been steady in that neither of us want to leave, but rocky in that it always just felt like sooooo muuuuch worrrrk just to make it work. For the past....month or month and half things have. been. AWESOME. Its so weird and we talk about it all the time. Not sure what happened but we just sort of clicked into place and have been on the same page and smooth sailing. I dont know what is changed but I am SO thankful. I know many of you have been praying for us and we can feel it! Thank you!!! I forgot what it feels like to be in love with him. I have always loved him, but forgot how it felt when things were really good. I love it. I love him. Vaughn loves that we laughing together all the time and not fighting...and we love that she notices that!
6. Incomplete. Our family does not feel complete to me. Not yet. This is a struggle of body vs mind. My body shouldnt have more children naturally probably. My heart feels like Vaughn needs a sibling. I want more children. At least one. Maybe more. We have thought about adoption and are praying about it. Could use prayers as to what we are supposed to be doing with our family size.
7. Easter. I love holidays. But, I dont think I was as intuitive or deep thinking as Vaughn when I was a child. She gets so confused and frankly, I am really torn about what I should be telling her. She asks alot "so was the Easter bunny Jesus's pet?" or "Jesus came back to earth becuase he loves us and wants to bring us easter eggs." no....no....no.... I do NOT want to confuse her nor do I want to mask the real reason for the holidays. I am so torn in how much to "try" to make her believe these things. She does the same about Santa...."Is Santa's birthday AND Jesus's birthday..." etc etc. I am so glad she gets the Jesus part of it and is MOST interested in that. She could care less about the Easter Bunny but wants to know all about the Easter story, day in and day out asks to hear that, read about it, do the Resurection Eggs set she has...
In the same breath I want her to have the same magic and anticipation about holidays that I had. Would she have LESS fun if she knew that we gave her the baskets and that we put the eggs in the yard? Does it make a difference who its from or just that she gets to take part? Rudy says its not worth confusing her and its not worth lying to her over. That she can know the truth and still "pretend" for the fun of it. He didnt grow up with much in the terms of holidays and never had a visit from an easter bunny so he doesnt get the nostalgia I feel about it. Ugh. Parenting is hard work!
2. Vaughnie had her first dentist apt on Tuesday. She did GREAT. Perfect little teeth. She was alittle freaked out by the flossing (I dont floss her teeth at home) but otherwise she did awesome. Not one tear!!!
3. Also on Tuesday, She had her first bee/wasp sting. Ouch! She screamed the most becuase she knew a bug was on her, but once she found out she'd been stung (I dont think she felt that part) she of course, had a fit over that too. The funny thing is that now she thinks every.thing.is.going.to.sting.her! Its sad and funny all in one. She got cheese on her hand at lunch today and started crying it was going to sting her. I told her to chill out, cheese doesnt sting and she said (gotta give the girl credit) "Yeah, well...I didnt think that bee would sting me either and look what happened!!!!" Oh, she's too funny!
4. I have an apt tomorrow for a HUGE wedding shoot. This would be double to triple the income than my normal weddings. Pray that its a good match! I always pray about my brides and grooms and that the right ones find me and its a great match. I have not had too shabby of luck so far and have ended up becoming friends with some of them before, some after the weddings....this couple is ADORABLE and would be soo much fun to work with. I have been dreaming of doing a shoot at this one coffee house downtown, its amazing and would be great for a photojournalistic shoot....I was telling rudy all about it and the next day I met this couple, and he WORKS there! AND they said they have been wanting to have their engagement shoot there!! Tomorrow is our second meeting so I am hoping they book!
5. So this is what it feels like??? Rudy and I went to the Weekend to Remember marriage conference about a month ago. Things with us had been ROUGH for....well, 6 years. haha. We love the heck out of each other, but I am a fighter....or I have been. I am not a silent bite your tongue kinda girl...I tell it like it is. Rudy is the opposite. He avoids conflict and would rather sit silent. Our relationship has been steady in that neither of us want to leave, but rocky in that it always just felt like sooooo muuuuch worrrrk just to make it work. For the past....month or month and half things have. been. AWESOME. Its so weird and we talk about it all the time. Not sure what happened but we just sort of clicked into place and have been on the same page and smooth sailing. I dont know what is changed but I am SO thankful. I know many of you have been praying for us and we can feel it! Thank you!!! I forgot what it feels like to be in love with him. I have always loved him, but forgot how it felt when things were really good. I love it. I love him. Vaughn loves that we laughing together all the time and not fighting...and we love that she notices that!
6. Incomplete. Our family does not feel complete to me. Not yet. This is a struggle of body vs mind. My body shouldnt have more children naturally probably. My heart feels like Vaughn needs a sibling. I want more children. At least one. Maybe more. We have thought about adoption and are praying about it. Could use prayers as to what we are supposed to be doing with our family size.
7. Easter. I love holidays. But, I dont think I was as intuitive or deep thinking as Vaughn when I was a child. She gets so confused and frankly, I am really torn about what I should be telling her. She asks alot "so was the Easter bunny Jesus's pet?" or "Jesus came back to earth becuase he loves us and wants to bring us easter eggs." no....no....no.... I do NOT want to confuse her nor do I want to mask the real reason for the holidays. I am so torn in how much to "try" to make her believe these things. She does the same about Santa...."Is Santa's birthday AND Jesus's birthday..." etc etc. I am so glad she gets the Jesus part of it and is MOST interested in that. She could care less about the Easter Bunny but wants to know all about the Easter story, day in and day out asks to hear that, read about it, do the Resurection Eggs set she has...
In the same breath I want her to have the same magic and anticipation about holidays that I had. Would she have LESS fun if she knew that we gave her the baskets and that we put the eggs in the yard? Does it make a difference who its from or just that she gets to take part? Rudy says its not worth confusing her and its not worth lying to her over. That she can know the truth and still "pretend" for the fun of it. He didnt grow up with much in the terms of holidays and never had a visit from an easter bunny so he doesnt get the nostalgia I feel about it. Ugh. Parenting is hard work!
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