This is hard. This post. It's raw.
My marriage ended. The trust I had with a man I thought I knew ended. The pain was/is real, strong, damaging, often intense. The self hatred of it all is real, strong, damaging, intense. Those pains are enough. I know that everyone wants me to hate Rudy. Everyone wants me to despise him, to be angry and mad about the things he has done....and is still doing. And I am. I am furious about the no show days he doesnt come get his daughter, I am irrate about the burdens he left me to carry alone and my heart is broken for the brokenness he has caused my precious child. But I cannot. willnot spend my time hating, regretting, and being vengeful. I will do what it takes to make a life for Vaughn. I will be the best damn mom I know how to be. I will go to no ends for that little bundle of my everything. I will not allow him to destroy our lives any longer. I know everyone who watched us suffer wants to see us happy....but most are still encouraging me to hate him, to tell him off. The truth is, that only hurts me. The truth is that will kill me even more. The truth is that he doesn't care an ounce about the lessons I want him to learn or the pain I want him to feel or the pain he has caused us. WHY should I spend one more second or ounce of energy, one more tear or moment of my life worrying, hating him? It's like lighting myself on fire and expecting him to get burned. It will kill me. I forgave that man, who ever he is, a long time ago. A Very long time ago. I did it because I had to, not because he asked for it....but because I dont want to be damaged anymore by him. In spirit, heart, mind. None. Nothing about him is worth that. I pray that one day he realizes the true treasures he gave up, that he missed out on moments that are more precious than anything else in this entire lifetime and he missed them on purpose. I hope that eventually destorys him. But me....I'm done being destroyed, made little, deminished by his actions. When he doesn't show- we go on. We (Vaughn and I ) are still a family. I love her enough. Someday there will be a man in her life, and mine that shows us what a husband and dad are....what that feels like....and that will be a day in God's timing, his chosing and I have faith that it will be incredible. Until then, we are okay.
No comments:
Post a Comment