Getting back to Center.

This week has been....trying. In every sense of the word. I have a child who wont sleep, throws fits, tantrums and purposely wont listen. I sound like allllllll I do is yell and say no. I hate that. I miss HER. I have also been feeling like....I am running a rat race. I have nothing huge going on or any reason why I should be feeling like I am running a marathon but I do. So, today, I went to my parents basement, dug out my paints and old canvases and sat on the porch for an hour and a half listening to music and painting. Because I am using oil paint not much got done but the base of the picture is done. It.Was.Refreshing. Nothing that I have found can take me back to "mental peace" like painting. Music sometimes, but mostly painting, and why not mix the two. The sucky part was that every ten minutes I was punishing, time outing, bribing and begging for some me time. V was supposed to be napping but of course, knowing I was doing something OTHER THAN napping was too much for her to handle. FRUSTRATING! IT felt so good though to get back there. Next time, I am getting a sitter....Its not the same when there's a child around....its not therapy- its torture- wanting to dive in and lose yourself into something and being tortured by the inability to do so. Its 2.5 hours  later and she still has not fallen asleep. She THINKS she doesnt need a nap anymore. Truth be told- she desperately still does. She is NOT good without naps. She goes to bed at 6, she's a grouch, she's mean, she's even more not listening. I am keeping the nap around as long as humanly possible with her. Forever if I can.

I will be the bad parent here and just say it. It is hard doing parenting alone. Hard. My family helps out alot and the truth is I couldnt do it without them. They allow me to still work- do weddings etc. But I gotta get a sitter. I have to find time for ME, to not be doing work, grocery shopping etc and be able to sit on a patio somewhere with a friend for a couple hours, to paint, to sit in a bookstore and not chase a 3 year old around....I love vaughn more than life itself and I mean every word of that. I just desperately feel like in the midst of it all, I am losing Me. I always swore I wouldnt be someone who did that. I want my child to know ME, I want them to know what a happy mom looks like. A Mom with interests, passions and all the things that make me who I am and not someone else. I want Vaughnie to cherish those things about herself and to feed them and to offer them up to others and thats what I want to show her. Its hard to know how to do that....at this stage in her life....when I dont even remember most days what makes me me. By the time she is in bed I am so sick to death of fighting with her over stuff, so sick of the time outs, the 1,769 times I have had to tell her to lay her butt down and go to sleep that i dont want to do a dang thing but go to bed myself. It makes me feel lost. I am sure EVERY mom feels this way...but this week in particular...it bothers me.