The times they are a changing

Some moments we sit and think deeply on our lives and what seems the day to day turns into the changes that stick out the most when we look back on these beautiful times. Our lives, here in this humble little home, have changed vastly recently. I took another job, which was intended to be a WFH position but they asked me to take a suite in the new area of Des Moines and I said yes. Its been incredibly painful and sad to walk out the door every morning and see Vaughn upset, tired, sad....I miss her all.day.long. My heart aches throughout the day and I even melt down sometimes. Part of parenting, the hardest part is not the raising of the child its doing the things in your life that you dont want to do so that you can better their lives. We deserve a chance and I'm gonna fight for it. We will be free. So I humbly accept the job- and its uneasy emotions that come with it. "I wont give up on us. Even if the skies get rough. I'm giving you all my love. I'm still looking up."

My heart holds great joy and anticipation for whatever the future holds for us. I know it will be greatness, love beyond possible understanding, passion in bucketfulls and great memories and lessons.

Untitled:

There is a mist of quiet silence
that summons the pain

The loud that rings of voices in tune
out of tune like rain

one which draws the other near
to heart, to mind, to ear

One which calls to the other
in hope and destitute and fear

And in the silence and in the loud
my voice it sings

because the sound of pain, joy, gain
are blessings that ring

And in you I find me and shutter at the sight
For its brilliant, brilliant and bright.

And I cling to that image for fear that its wrong
as yours is not mine, I dont belong.

So when I touch your gentle hand and when I beg those words of you
you say mine,  you're beautiful too

And the loud and the noise are distant at best
For you- I ignore, I rest.

Happy Mothers Day Mamas

It's mothers day 5-13-2012. One year ago, on this same date, I found out our family was over. Today has been bittersweet. I woke up to the sweetest little 4 year old giving me flowers from the yard, a banana and a bag of gifts (Thank you, Mom for taking her out and letting her pick out gifts- so special.) and snuggles from my little. My cup runneth over. I always feel SO blessed and SO grateful on Mother's Day because I never thought, in a million years, I'd get the chance to hear anyone call me Mother/Mom/Mama. Each time I hear it, a little blessing bell rings loudly in my heart. I could not be more blessed. The past year has shown me what single parenting is all about but also shown me more joy as a mom than I knew was possible to feel. It has made me thankful for my own mom who reminded me to stand tall when I couldnt get out of bed, who reminded me to walk with my head up when I wanted to look down in shame and exhaustion and who reminded me that no matter how hard it is at times, that little girl needs her momma to be confident- even when I didn't feel very confident. 
Mothering is hard, mothering alone is exhausting and mothering in any form-is the most rewarding, profound thing I could ever fathom doing. I still hold hope that one day, I wont be mothering alone and the thought of that day brings both sadness and great hope. 
Not one night goes by that I do not thank my God for that sweet baby girl that made me a mama just 4 1/2 years ago. I never imagined a child so full of wonder and love and so full of energy! She's my side kick and my love. 
 So today, I am thankful beyond measure for two people in my life, my daughter and my momma! Thank you mom, for all your sacrifices and all your love! And to all the moms reading this- blessed are you!

We went to the machine shed for lunch with the whole fam (minus M & M- They were in Wisco) and V got to play on the tractors outside while we waited.

Preschool helped the kids do these for their moms. So sweet.

A mother's day photo shoot.

These were hand picked from our yard by my sweet girl. The note from her preschool had one more thing on it which said "what makes my mom the happiest?" and her response was "when she gets flowers." Sweet.

I even got to lay outside for a while why V rested. Ahhhh...relaxing.

The three moms....HORRIBLE pic of me (thanks dad!) but cute of the other girls.

More of our photo shoot.

Happy May Day!

April Showers Bring May Flowers! This is so true, our yard is popping with colorful flowers in the backyard, which are being picked as quickly as they grow by a sweet little 4 year old who likes to dote over her mama. We made May baskets for our friends today. I wish I had taken pictures. Vaughnie was soo stinking cute running up to doors and knocking, then running back to the car. She just loves doing things for other people. She was nervous that her friends would forget her so while she was at preschool I left her a May basket and pretended I didnt know who did it. She was sooooo excited and talked about it all day. She felt bad that I didnt get one so she snuck one in my office while I was working, knocked and ran away. She's got such a sweet heart. Melts mine.

Maria and I are having a huge garage sale this weekend. So.Much.Work. Hoping to make alot of money. I took my first load to her house tonight and its nice to have it out of the kitchen! The rest is at my parents and I am guessing they will be happy to have it out of their house as well!

Wedding season is upon us. Which means, Good bye Saturday!

Tomorrow is my brother's 24th bday which seems strange. Since he got married I feel like he is older than that!
Happiest Birthday Mack! 

Happy 90th Birthday and Awana's Awards

Last Wednesday, Vaughnie had her Awana's awards night. Sweet little was so proud. She got a ribbon for participation and learned so many Bible verses this year. She went every Wed night and loved it!

We then hit the road on Thursday to head to Illinois to celebrate my Grandma Margaret turning 90!!! Crazy....We had so much fun. A Little Stress, but mostly fun. SOO many people showed up that I think she was really honored. It was sweet. We had to leave way to early but we were all exhausted and in need of some rest!!

Papa Date night

Our church held a "Daddy Daughter Date Night." and Vaughn is just lucky enough to have a Papa to step in where "daddy" doesn't and take her to special things like this. This is such a precious memory. She was so stinking nervous and so excited and for 2 days everything was about "my special date with papa." She didnt know it was supposed to be for daddies....she just knew it was for dads or uncles or papas. She felt like a million bucks. That morning she said "So, does this mean I get to start going on REAL dates???.....like REAL ones?!?" I said "Ummm not a chance....just with daddy, uncle mack and papa." and she decided that was good for now. :) She asked a hundred times "do you think papa will like my dress? Do you think papa will think I look pretty? Should I wear make up for papa? Should I wear these shoes or these? Papa likes my hair in braids so lets do that!" It.Was.Precious. When we got to gma and papa's house she was a nervous wreck. You can sort of tell in the pictures. First and foremost was showing papa how her dress twirled....cause that's the most important part of picking out a dress for a date!

Papa even had an extra special surprise for the very special date....a corsage....how stinkin' precious is that??? It was the tiniest little corsage I have ever seen. So precious.

And then they were off....a night of dinner, crafts, cake walks, music and good ole papa/vaughnie bonding time. She still beams when she talks about her "Very special date with papa." So sweet.

This is how I procrastinate:)

I have so much to do today- I have a shoot HERE AT MY HOUSE at 4. She wants indoors done of maternity pics and doesnt have the room in hers so we're doing it here. Wish me luck, I don't have a studio, or a finished "public" bathroom, or a place for people to sit (bringing her husband and son) but---- I'll try. These are the days (actually, most days) I wish I had a studio in my basement. AND she wants outdoor photos just in the backyard, but since the storm its a mess with sticks etc and is in desperate need of a mowing. Oh well, we'll walk to the park if we have to. But instead of preparing I am blogging. I'll get to it.

Yesterday, I had emergency oral surgery. You all know how I am about dentists. They make me want to off myself in a serious way. The anxiety of going to them is enough to send me to a nut house. They smell. They are cruel. There is nothing good that comes from them. Pain, and numb face syndrome and both suck. So, because I don't have dental insurance I had to go to Broadlawns (the place in DSM where people go without insurance.) You can imagine the people that were there. An old vetran who was going crazy and ranting and raving about Pow Mia, some very un-hygenic people sitting right next to me (I was literally gagging), an old lady who was supposed to be watching a 4 month old but was getting so mad that she was "fussing" (the lady was holding her by her arms and trying to "stand" her on the ground for like 15 minutes...a 4 month old...I'd be fussing too) that I thought she was going to beat her. But, instead she handed her to a dentist and said "do something with her, i cant handle the sound of her anymore." Yup- room was full of classy folk. There were a few "normals" in there too, some who appeared to be business women but mostly, just weirdos. Anyways- we got there at 6:45 and waited outside until they opened at 7 and then had to stand in line for nearly an hour while they registered everyone. Only to be told I couldn't have Vaughn there with me, so my mom came and got her and my sister watched her (huge thanks guys!) and i waited for 41/2 hours before being called back to get my tooth pulled....which took all of ten minutes. Good news is I feel much better. Even better news is that it was hugely eye opening as to what people who are in a bad spot have to go through and even more eye opening to the fact that I better get some dental insurance ASAP. The truth is I am glad there are places like that so I didn't have to be miserable anymore with this throbbing tooth, but still....clearly there is something wrong with the system.

We are leaving on Thursday to see my Grandma and celebrate her 90th BIRTHDAY!!! What a huge accomplishment!! I am excited to go party hard with her and get a few days away from editing and some quality time with fam.

Happy Tuesday Everyone!