I dont know what happened, or why the change in emotion but as of yesterday, I am okay. I am fine.....feels weird. I am sure I will break down again and have a melt down, I am sure I will still be hurt, sad, devestated even many times....but I realized that I WILL be fine. That THIS is my second chance...I keep saying "I am a believe and giver of 2nd chances and do overs." But I was offering uncountable second chances to someone who didnt want or deserve them....but it hit me that maybe someone is offering ME a second chance. Maybe this is supposed to be MY do over. MY chance for really feeling happy, empowered, selfish, excited, giddy...ME. That got me. When's the last time I felt EXCITED??!?!??!!! And maybe this is Rudy and I's chance to finally be on the same page....while we're not there yet....while what happened is still very traumatic and crappy....maybe THIS is the answer to the prayers I prayed for 8 years....
Its scary to think like that. Terrifying....but its also reassuring and helpful. I may not feel so "ok" in a couple hours but right now, I am feeling good and decided to tell the world! :) (or the 5 people who read this:)
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Sunday, May 22, 2011
weekends
Weekends used to be my refresher, my comforter, my renewal time of family time. This weekend, for the first time, my weekend has been anything but that. Its been painful, full of questions, full of hurt. Without going into too much detail on a public blog- just know that we need everyone to fall on their faces in prayer- like you would to save your own family. I need to know that I have people praying all over for us, that we feel your prayers and that God is able to work miracles in our hearts. This weekend changed my life.
My own pain I can deal with, the pain of my daughter on top of that pain of my heart and mind is more than I can survive. Of that, I am sure.
There is something about pain that comes from love that makes you wonder why you ever loved at all. If we knew that pain of this type existed, I am sure that no one would risk it. At least me, I never knew this sort of pain existed. I never knew there were parts of your body and mind that could hurt so badly.
They say love prevails all things. God, I hope so.
My own pain I can deal with, the pain of my daughter on top of that pain of my heart and mind is more than I can survive. Of that, I am sure.
There is something about pain that comes from love that makes you wonder why you ever loved at all. If we knew that pain of this type existed, I am sure that no one would risk it. At least me, I never knew this sort of pain existed. I never knew there were parts of your body and mind that could hurt so badly.
They say love prevails all things. God, I hope so.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Garage Sales are for the birds
I say it every.single.time I have a sale. Garage sales are rediculous and SO not worth the few bucks you get at them. This time, I have even been putting stuff back all year in bins....thinking I would be organized. But now, I am marking...ugh....I DREAD Marking garage sale stuff. I just want to get rid of it! I just want to say $5 per bag you can fill! And then my emotions get in the way...oh I remember when she wore this...oh, I remember when....UGH. so I end up marking everything according to its value to me and then questions why I am getting rid of it. Eventually I go back through it all and lower the prices....SO annoying.
Will be glad when its Sunday and the garage sale is done and leftovers have been taken to goodwill!
I also always wonder "will I wish I had kept this for my grandkids?"My mom kept lots of our stuff and its the grandkids favorite things to play with and bring back so many great memories for us! BUT, they have a much larger storage place than we do too :)
If anyone wants some cheap stuff...COME TO OUR SALE!
I will get easter pictures up soon....just as soon as this sale is over.
Will be glad when its Sunday and the garage sale is done and leftovers have been taken to goodwill!
I also always wonder "will I wish I had kept this for my grandkids?"My mom kept lots of our stuff and its the grandkids favorite things to play with and bring back so many great memories for us! BUT, they have a much larger storage place than we do too :)
If anyone wants some cheap stuff...COME TO OUR SALE!
I will get easter pictures up soon....just as soon as this sale is over.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Good Friday and Easter Love
Today was BUSY! I had a one on one training session with my professor in a class I was totally and completely lost in! It helped alot...and lasted allll morning. Then a doc apt. Turns out, my blood is way too thick again. Doubling doses of coumadin. Ugh. After that I picked up an order from my sweet beautiful friend Deena. She has started her own baking company and let me tell you- this girl ROCKS. From cookies to cakes, she's amazing. You can check out her blog at www.SimplyDeliciousCookies.blogspot.com .
Then I finished Easter shopping, came home, got the fam, went to dinner, attended Good Friday service and then got ice cream, cleaned and got food ready for the family get together tomorrow. I am sooo tired.
About the Good Friday service. My sweet Vaughnie was so sad when she found out that today was Good Friday. We have been using her "resurection eggs" to tell her all about the Easter story. So, when she found out it was Good Friday, she thought that today, in present day time, that Jesus was dying on the cross. She was quite upset. She said "I just cant wait for Easter when he can come back to life. Where is he now?" And I told her he is in Heaven. She corrected me sweetly and sad "You are WRONG Mama. He's in our hearts!" Ohhh my cup runeth over. I adore her.
I was slightly hesitant about taking her to Good Friday service at Hope Luthren Church because I was almost certain they would play clips from the Passions of the Christ movie. They did. She watched very intensly and picked out each character correctly. She was able to pick out Mary, Jesus, the "bad men". She was not as scared of it as I thought she would be. She said "Marys heart is breaking, right mom?"
The service was amazing. One of the pastors (all 7 from the church spoke regarding one of the seven quoted verses from Jesus.), a woman pastor, spoke about Mary. About how she must have felt watching them do that to her son, how she probably wanted to kill them, claw their eyes out, try to get Jesus down, how others around her probably had to hold her up and hold her back. This broke my heart. I had not thought too deeply about her thoughts on it before. Man, as a mom. This is tough.
The end of the service was quite amazing. They showed a clip, turnd off all the lights, candles etc and made the room pitch dark. A man sang a solo, and then on the big screen they played a video of a dove. and then there was a huge, loud, long rumble that shook the entire room for probably a solid minute or two. It felt, much like I expect if felt that day, when the grounds shook. They requsted we all walk out in silence, in the dark and "take it all in". Pretty intense.
And I got to share it with my husband (this is huge), my daughter (God bless her heart), and my best friend (shannon.) What a wonderful, blessed Friday night.
"He was peirced for our transgressions. Crushed for our sins. The punishment that brought US peace was upon HIM. By His wounds, By HIS wounds we are healed.".
Then I finished Easter shopping, came home, got the fam, went to dinner, attended Good Friday service and then got ice cream, cleaned and got food ready for the family get together tomorrow. I am sooo tired.
About the Good Friday service. My sweet Vaughnie was so sad when she found out that today was Good Friday. We have been using her "resurection eggs" to tell her all about the Easter story. So, when she found out it was Good Friday, she thought that today, in present day time, that Jesus was dying on the cross. She was quite upset. She said "I just cant wait for Easter when he can come back to life. Where is he now?" And I told her he is in Heaven. She corrected me sweetly and sad "You are WRONG Mama. He's in our hearts!" Ohhh my cup runeth over. I adore her.
I was slightly hesitant about taking her to Good Friday service at Hope Luthren Church because I was almost certain they would play clips from the Passions of the Christ movie. They did. She watched very intensly and picked out each character correctly. She was able to pick out Mary, Jesus, the "bad men". She was not as scared of it as I thought she would be. She said "Marys heart is breaking, right mom?"
The service was amazing. One of the pastors (all 7 from the church spoke regarding one of the seven quoted verses from Jesus.), a woman pastor, spoke about Mary. About how she must have felt watching them do that to her son, how she probably wanted to kill them, claw their eyes out, try to get Jesus down, how others around her probably had to hold her up and hold her back. This broke my heart. I had not thought too deeply about her thoughts on it before. Man, as a mom. This is tough.
The end of the service was quite amazing. They showed a clip, turnd off all the lights, candles etc and made the room pitch dark. A man sang a solo, and then on the big screen they played a video of a dove. and then there was a huge, loud, long rumble that shook the entire room for probably a solid minute or two. It felt, much like I expect if felt that day, when the grounds shook. They requsted we all walk out in silence, in the dark and "take it all in". Pretty intense.
And I got to share it with my husband (this is huge), my daughter (God bless her heart), and my best friend (shannon.) What a wonderful, blessed Friday night.
"He was peirced for our transgressions. Crushed for our sins. The punishment that brought US peace was upon HIM. By His wounds, By HIS wounds we are healed.".
Thursday, April 14, 2011
A dash of salt and a little pepper....
1.It is amazing, when you are right where God wants you to be, how easily things come. I am loving life as a stay at home mom. Rudy says it might be the best thing we've decided to do- I agree!
2. Vaughnie had her first dentist apt on Tuesday. She did GREAT. Perfect little teeth. She was alittle freaked out by the flossing (I dont floss her teeth at home) but otherwise she did awesome. Not one tear!!!
3. Also on Tuesday, She had her first bee/wasp sting. Ouch! She screamed the most becuase she knew a bug was on her, but once she found out she'd been stung (I dont think she felt that part) she of course, had a fit over that too. The funny thing is that now she thinks every.thing.is.going.to.sting.her! Its sad and funny all in one. She got cheese on her hand at lunch today and started crying it was going to sting her. I told her to chill out, cheese doesnt sting and she said (gotta give the girl credit) "Yeah, well...I didnt think that bee would sting me either and look what happened!!!!" Oh, she's too funny!
4. I have an apt tomorrow for a HUGE wedding shoot. This would be double to triple the income than my normal weddings. Pray that its a good match! I always pray about my brides and grooms and that the right ones find me and its a great match. I have not had too shabby of luck so far and have ended up becoming friends with some of them before, some after the weddings....this couple is ADORABLE and would be soo much fun to work with. I have been dreaming of doing a shoot at this one coffee house downtown, its amazing and would be great for a photojournalistic shoot....I was telling rudy all about it and the next day I met this couple, and he WORKS there! AND they said they have been wanting to have their engagement shoot there!! Tomorrow is our second meeting so I am hoping they book!
5. So this is what it feels like??? Rudy and I went to the Weekend to Remember marriage conference about a month ago. Things with us had been ROUGH for....well, 6 years. haha. We love the heck out of each other, but I am a fighter....or I have been. I am not a silent bite your tongue kinda girl...I tell it like it is. Rudy is the opposite. He avoids conflict and would rather sit silent. Our relationship has been steady in that neither of us want to leave, but rocky in that it always just felt like sooooo muuuuch worrrrk just to make it work. For the past....month or month and half things have. been. AWESOME. Its so weird and we talk about it all the time. Not sure what happened but we just sort of clicked into place and have been on the same page and smooth sailing. I dont know what is changed but I am SO thankful. I know many of you have been praying for us and we can feel it! Thank you!!! I forgot what it feels like to be in love with him. I have always loved him, but forgot how it felt when things were really good. I love it. I love him. Vaughn loves that we laughing together all the time and not fighting...and we love that she notices that!
6. Incomplete. Our family does not feel complete to me. Not yet. This is a struggle of body vs mind. My body shouldnt have more children naturally probably. My heart feels like Vaughn needs a sibling. I want more children. At least one. Maybe more. We have thought about adoption and are praying about it. Could use prayers as to what we are supposed to be doing with our family size.
7. Easter. I love holidays. But, I dont think I was as intuitive or deep thinking as Vaughn when I was a child. She gets so confused and frankly, I am really torn about what I should be telling her. She asks alot "so was the Easter bunny Jesus's pet?" or "Jesus came back to earth becuase he loves us and wants to bring us easter eggs." no....no....no.... I do NOT want to confuse her nor do I want to mask the real reason for the holidays. I am so torn in how much to "try" to make her believe these things. She does the same about Santa...."Is Santa's birthday AND Jesus's birthday..." etc etc. I am so glad she gets the Jesus part of it and is MOST interested in that. She could care less about the Easter Bunny but wants to know all about the Easter story, day in and day out asks to hear that, read about it, do the Resurection Eggs set she has...
In the same breath I want her to have the same magic and anticipation about holidays that I had. Would she have LESS fun if she knew that we gave her the baskets and that we put the eggs in the yard? Does it make a difference who its from or just that she gets to take part? Rudy says its not worth confusing her and its not worth lying to her over. That she can know the truth and still "pretend" for the fun of it. He didnt grow up with much in the terms of holidays and never had a visit from an easter bunny so he doesnt get the nostalgia I feel about it. Ugh. Parenting is hard work!
2. Vaughnie had her first dentist apt on Tuesday. She did GREAT. Perfect little teeth. She was alittle freaked out by the flossing (I dont floss her teeth at home) but otherwise she did awesome. Not one tear!!!
3. Also on Tuesday, She had her first bee/wasp sting. Ouch! She screamed the most becuase she knew a bug was on her, but once she found out she'd been stung (I dont think she felt that part) she of course, had a fit over that too. The funny thing is that now she thinks every.thing.is.going.to.sting.her! Its sad and funny all in one. She got cheese on her hand at lunch today and started crying it was going to sting her. I told her to chill out, cheese doesnt sting and she said (gotta give the girl credit) "Yeah, well...I didnt think that bee would sting me either and look what happened!!!!" Oh, she's too funny!
4. I have an apt tomorrow for a HUGE wedding shoot. This would be double to triple the income than my normal weddings. Pray that its a good match! I always pray about my brides and grooms and that the right ones find me and its a great match. I have not had too shabby of luck so far and have ended up becoming friends with some of them before, some after the weddings....this couple is ADORABLE and would be soo much fun to work with. I have been dreaming of doing a shoot at this one coffee house downtown, its amazing and would be great for a photojournalistic shoot....I was telling rudy all about it and the next day I met this couple, and he WORKS there! AND they said they have been wanting to have their engagement shoot there!! Tomorrow is our second meeting so I am hoping they book!
5. So this is what it feels like??? Rudy and I went to the Weekend to Remember marriage conference about a month ago. Things with us had been ROUGH for....well, 6 years. haha. We love the heck out of each other, but I am a fighter....or I have been. I am not a silent bite your tongue kinda girl...I tell it like it is. Rudy is the opposite. He avoids conflict and would rather sit silent. Our relationship has been steady in that neither of us want to leave, but rocky in that it always just felt like sooooo muuuuch worrrrk just to make it work. For the past....month or month and half things have. been. AWESOME. Its so weird and we talk about it all the time. Not sure what happened but we just sort of clicked into place and have been on the same page and smooth sailing. I dont know what is changed but I am SO thankful. I know many of you have been praying for us and we can feel it! Thank you!!! I forgot what it feels like to be in love with him. I have always loved him, but forgot how it felt when things were really good. I love it. I love him. Vaughn loves that we laughing together all the time and not fighting...and we love that she notices that!
6. Incomplete. Our family does not feel complete to me. Not yet. This is a struggle of body vs mind. My body shouldnt have more children naturally probably. My heart feels like Vaughn needs a sibling. I want more children. At least one. Maybe more. We have thought about adoption and are praying about it. Could use prayers as to what we are supposed to be doing with our family size.
7. Easter. I love holidays. But, I dont think I was as intuitive or deep thinking as Vaughn when I was a child. She gets so confused and frankly, I am really torn about what I should be telling her. She asks alot "so was the Easter bunny Jesus's pet?" or "Jesus came back to earth becuase he loves us and wants to bring us easter eggs." no....no....no.... I do NOT want to confuse her nor do I want to mask the real reason for the holidays. I am so torn in how much to "try" to make her believe these things. She does the same about Santa...."Is Santa's birthday AND Jesus's birthday..." etc etc. I am so glad she gets the Jesus part of it and is MOST interested in that. She could care less about the Easter Bunny but wants to know all about the Easter story, day in and day out asks to hear that, read about it, do the Resurection Eggs set she has...
In the same breath I want her to have the same magic and anticipation about holidays that I had. Would she have LESS fun if she knew that we gave her the baskets and that we put the eggs in the yard? Does it make a difference who its from or just that she gets to take part? Rudy says its not worth confusing her and its not worth lying to her over. That she can know the truth and still "pretend" for the fun of it. He didnt grow up with much in the terms of holidays and never had a visit from an easter bunny so he doesnt get the nostalgia I feel about it. Ugh. Parenting is hard work!
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
growing up quick
My Dearest Vaughn-elise,
You tell me every.single.day that you promise not to grow up, that you promise not to get big and that you promise you will alllllways be my little girl. Ohh this quiets my heart. All to clearly you are growing faster than I even realize. The other night while you said your prayers you whispered to God to not let you grow in the night so that mommy would not be sad. I never want you to feel your growing saddens me. It is a mixture of joy and sadness and I do wish I could freeze time and hold you just where you are. In your innocence and purity and absolute wonder. All too soon you will be off to pre-school with the "big kiddos". You have asked over and over when you get to be big enough to ride the bus and I know that day will be here before we know it. But for now, I want to hold onto each and every moment with you at this age. I am so very thankful to be able to start our journey of me being at home with you full time. While I will still be working some days, my time will be focused on you. I have already signed us up for classes and planned days. I have been working toward THIS time, these moments since the very moment I found out I was going to be having you. I am so very blessed beyond measure to have you in my life, everyday, your hugs, your wit, your sweet words, your spunk, your never ending excitement to see me....even if it was just moments before. I love you to the moon and back and you are my most precious! You are growing far too quick my love. Far too quick indeed.
Love you so very very much, your mommy.
You tell me every.single.day that you promise not to grow up, that you promise not to get big and that you promise you will alllllways be my little girl. Ohh this quiets my heart. All to clearly you are growing faster than I even realize. The other night while you said your prayers you whispered to God to not let you grow in the night so that mommy would not be sad. I never want you to feel your growing saddens me. It is a mixture of joy and sadness and I do wish I could freeze time and hold you just where you are. In your innocence and purity and absolute wonder. All too soon you will be off to pre-school with the "big kiddos". You have asked over and over when you get to be big enough to ride the bus and I know that day will be here before we know it. But for now, I want to hold onto each and every moment with you at this age. I am so very thankful to be able to start our journey of me being at home with you full time. While I will still be working some days, my time will be focused on you. I have already signed us up for classes and planned days. I have been working toward THIS time, these moments since the very moment I found out I was going to be having you. I am so very blessed beyond measure to have you in my life, everyday, your hugs, your wit, your sweet words, your spunk, your never ending excitement to see me....even if it was just moments before. I love you to the moon and back and you are my most precious! You are growing far too quick my love. Far too quick indeed.
Love you so very very much, your mommy.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
wake up moment
I have to say that I have been down in the dumper-ooos about this body of mine. While I am thankful for my two legs and arms and all the right parts- I simply have felt gross. Obviously, I am overweight by more than I should be, I am more out of shape than I ever have been (yes, even after having Vaughn I was in better shape than I am now. boo). I just have not felt beautiful in the slightest and so, since I am unhappy with my weight, I have not put much care or effort into any part of my appearance, no make up, hair undone, barely matching most days. I have just been a gross blob. Poor Rudy. I have felt too simple, not exotic enough, not thin enough, not toned enough. Mind you- only a few of my concerns have actually been about health- thats another topic all together and will be written on shortly. They have all been, up until a few days ago, solely based on looks.
But today, sitting un showered, in bright yellow hawk sweats and a brown and pink tshirt and red fuzzy socks (looking much like vaughn dressed me) I started noticing something. I was on facebook and ad on the side said "are you simple, or are you sexy?" Excuse me?!? I was immediately offended that this would be out there...or even a question. My spoken response was "since when is simple not sexy? since when do women have to be extravagant or showy to be sexy? I am simple....(and though while I do not feel sexy today, or at all recently, I believe simple is sexy.) Then through the course of randomly flipping through a page a friend had commented on, I stumbled upon a blog thankfulforgrace.blogspot.com and read a little. I love finding new motivating, sweet blogs.
This one is about a women who realized that she always wanted flat abs, and a friend who always had them only wanted (and was unable) to have children. The author of the blog has 6. It hit me maybe as hard as it hit her when her friend commented on this......while I should respect my body and work at making it the best it can be, I cannot expect flat abs. One messed up blessing of a Csection later and my stomach muscles are not only non existant but not touching each other....I will always have a messed up scar, a crooked, puffy, red messed up scar.....but God does not see this ugly, messed up or anything of the sort. This is my badge of honor! I can get into shape and be the best ME I can, but my sacrifice of having a flat stomach is having a beautiful, talented, smart, loving and adoring little girl who tells me everyday that I am beautiful.
We each have different nemesis. Mine is and has always been my stomach. Even when I was a size 4 and 125 lbs my stomach is where I carried the most weight. Instead of looking at catalogs and thinking "I am too simple to look like the perfect mom on the go" I should just focus on being the best ME I can.
I am hoping to focus more on my health part of getting in shape in the coming months. Rudy and I made a (difficult) decision to have me start staying home effective the end of this month!!!! YIPPEEE!!! While this was MONTHS (maybe more like a year) of praying about it, discussing it, crunching numbers and stressing about all of the what ifs, we decided it needs done. I, currently, am spread far too thin. My daughter has been passed around and not getting enough time with me, my marriage is (severely) suffering from my stress level. As of today, I work full time, do photography on the weekends (and when its a wedding about 30 hours of editing during the week), school, parent, and try to be good mom and wife. I am failing in EVERY area at this point. Something had to give. My photography business has really taken off and we have nearly the entire year booked. There are some months that area little low on weddings but most of them are looking great.
After my doctors apt yesterday, I am realizing how much this stress has taken a negetive toll on my body! With three more meds on the list and a possible gallbladder removal in the next couple of weeks it was a huge wake up call and confirmation that we're making the best choice. I will continue to pray that business comes in and I hope you all will pray for that too! I am excited to have time during the week to work out, eat right, prepare foods at home and not be running around like a mad woman. My body will surely thank me. And since I only have THIS life and THIS body, I better do with them both what I want. I better get healthy and live everyday on purpose instead of in a knot like I have been.
With all of this weather warming up....its making me crave some good ole grill food and sweet corn!
But today, sitting un showered, in bright yellow hawk sweats and a brown and pink tshirt and red fuzzy socks (looking much like vaughn dressed me) I started noticing something. I was on facebook and ad on the side said "are you simple, or are you sexy?" Excuse me?!? I was immediately offended that this would be out there...or even a question. My spoken response was "since when is simple not sexy? since when do women have to be extravagant or showy to be sexy? I am simple....(and though while I do not feel sexy today, or at all recently, I believe simple is sexy.) Then through the course of randomly flipping through a page a friend had commented on, I stumbled upon a blog thankfulforgrace.blogspot.com and read a little. I love finding new motivating, sweet blogs.
This one is about a women who realized that she always wanted flat abs, and a friend who always had them only wanted (and was unable) to have children. The author of the blog has 6. It hit me maybe as hard as it hit her when her friend commented on this......while I should respect my body and work at making it the best it can be, I cannot expect flat abs. One messed up blessing of a Csection later and my stomach muscles are not only non existant but not touching each other....I will always have a messed up scar, a crooked, puffy, red messed up scar.....but God does not see this ugly, messed up or anything of the sort. This is my badge of honor! I can get into shape and be the best ME I can, but my sacrifice of having a flat stomach is having a beautiful, talented, smart, loving and adoring little girl who tells me everyday that I am beautiful.
We each have different nemesis. Mine is and has always been my stomach. Even when I was a size 4 and 125 lbs my stomach is where I carried the most weight. Instead of looking at catalogs and thinking "I am too simple to look like the perfect mom on the go" I should just focus on being the best ME I can.
I am hoping to focus more on my health part of getting in shape in the coming months. Rudy and I made a (difficult) decision to have me start staying home effective the end of this month!!!! YIPPEEE!!! While this was MONTHS (maybe more like a year) of praying about it, discussing it, crunching numbers and stressing about all of the what ifs, we decided it needs done. I, currently, am spread far too thin. My daughter has been passed around and not getting enough time with me, my marriage is (severely) suffering from my stress level. As of today, I work full time, do photography on the weekends (and when its a wedding about 30 hours of editing during the week), school, parent, and try to be good mom and wife. I am failing in EVERY area at this point. Something had to give. My photography business has really taken off and we have nearly the entire year booked. There are some months that area little low on weddings but most of them are looking great.
After my doctors apt yesterday, I am realizing how much this stress has taken a negetive toll on my body! With three more meds on the list and a possible gallbladder removal in the next couple of weeks it was a huge wake up call and confirmation that we're making the best choice. I will continue to pray that business comes in and I hope you all will pray for that too! I am excited to have time during the week to work out, eat right, prepare foods at home and not be running around like a mad woman. My body will surely thank me. And since I only have THIS life and THIS body, I better do with them both what I want. I better get healthy and live everyday on purpose instead of in a knot like I have been.
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