Parenting is hard stuff

Writing here, just becuase if I dont get it all out I am going to pop....much like a 2 liter, shaken too many times- my lid will come off and I will spray all around me within a 10 mile radius. Today has been, for the record, the longest day in the past 4 years. Probably. It seems like it anyways. We have encountered ridiculous meltdown after ridiculous meltdown ranging in spans from 1 minute to almost 2 hours. I am emotionally, physically, spiritually and wilfully drained. I have slid my body down the wall into a puddle on the floor, hands on head and cried uncountable times today, I have fought, begged, pleaded, prayed, counted to 10, counted to 50, removed myself from the room, removed her from the situation, redirected, loved on, punished, taken things away, swore to take other things away, offered bribery...nothing.has.worked. I have been reminded by a few close friends in the breakdown phone calls of "something- give me any suggestion you have" that I am the mother of a very willful, very emotional and very smart 4 year old girl. I am not failing as a mother, she is succeeding as a 4 year old child. And just to breathe. Breathe? I think i held my breathe allll day long. or so it feels like it now. And the truth is that today- I simply didnt feel like a good mother. I know my child, I know how she pushes me and today, no matter what i tried there was nothign that could get her out of her funk. Or me. We got out of the house at one point and she did fine. Not an outburst at all. The moment we walked in the door (pulled in the driveway actually) she started making up more reasons why she was angry at the world (aka, me) from the fact that her pants itched, her shoe was too tight, the sun was too bright, the snow was too white, the banana was not brown enough, the food was not what she wanted, the asaparagus tasted different, the pasta was not hot enough, the corn was too wet, the fruit was too sour, the sheets were too warm, the book was boring, the carpet felt funny, the couch was not comfortable, and the list could go on and on and on and on. These were not mere observations....they were complete long meltdowns. Every.Single.One. My dad came tonight to hang some curtains in our living room (good thing, the neighbors probably wonder what the heck moved in across the street from them.) and he listened to a 20 minute battle (short in comparison to the rest of the day) and saw my exhuastion and offered to step in. Bless him. It was no success and as soon as he walked out the door it started again. its 10:47 at night and she is still nto asleep. I have listened to her scream that she doesnt love me anymore and wants to be with her dad (Dont get me started on what I WANTED to say here, of course I said nothing)   listened to her throw thigns against the wall for 40 minutes, pull everything out of her closet, off her shelves and out of her toyboxes and scream at the top of her lungs since 8 pm. I am doing all I can to stay awake longer than her. I went to the basement to try to give my ears a rest and while I was down there I had a revelation. I am sure I sound much like that to God most days. Whining, unhappy, nothing is right, everything is bothersome, the plans he has are not the plans I want, I want more, better, different all the time. Nothing is enough. I am sure I sound annoying, relentless and whiny in my prayers. I am sure at times he wants to duct tape my mouth shut and scream at me to shut my mouth for 2 minutes, I am sure there are times he wants to lock me in my room until his plan is in effect. I am sure at times, I sound much like a whiny 4 year old on little sleep. And when I got back upstairs Vaughnie was singing Worship music at the top of her lungs. A complete 180 from her screaming and throwing. And then I busted into tears becuase in the midst of the maddness and chaos, HIS LOVE for us is louder than the maddness and chaos. His voice can come through a 4 year olds tired mouth and the joy in which she sings.

Praying hard for a restful night for the weary (me) and a peace in the morning.  Cause without a little rest and a little peace, folks, Imma fall apart.