Iowa City Trip....

I had an Iowa City Check up yesterday. This is always a weird feeling for me. Part of me finds comfort in that hospital, the city, the college memories and the drive. Another very strong part of me feels anxiety, worry, doom everytime I get about half way there. Entering the parking ramp and walking into that place is full of dread. But it was time. It had been 2 years.

My hip has been the cause of much worry, sleepless nights and discomfort lately. While it used to feel stable and comfrotable it is now something I question every step with. Its scay to think I could be home alone with Vaughn and fall and her have to see that. I could be carrying laundry down the stairs and fall. I could be out for a run and fall I could be doing anything I want and break my hip. Again. Thats what it feels like. Like at any moment it could give way. So, I went to see my trusted doctor (who feels more like a family memeber than a doctor most days) to see what he thinks we need to do. I will say that while I never want surgery. Ever. I was praying he  had a resolution and that if that meant surgery then I would trust that it would be fixed and I could go back to living worry free. This was not the news. :(

The good news is that the cement is holding up great, the metal is intact and in good shape and as far as the prostesis goes- everything looks fabulous. The bad news is
My bone is still thin, waring out and not in good shape. There has been little change in 3 years to the bone structure which is good but the worst news is that there is nothing they can do to strengthen it. He said that my body will destroy the prostesis before it wares out on its own. That it will break before its time to replace it and there is nothing they can do to stop it. He said giving me a surgery to replace it only means that in a year or two the bone reacts the same way and we're in the same boat. If we do that, we risk me eventually losing my leg all together (amputee) because there will be too much prostesis for it to function normally. He says its a strong probablity that this will be the case anyways since we already nearly have a full femur prostetic that eventually, we'll run out of replaceable bone and it will possibly result in an amputation. This makes me want to throw up. He is doing what he can to prevent but couldn't promise anything. I can't be without my leg. I cant.

 If we try a bone graft (which we have been discussing for about 12 years now) then my body may very well reject it, get infected and  it may not grow into normal bone and could cause more damage structurally to the bone and prostesis causing a whole other slew of problems. He said giving me a bone graft automatically removes about 15 years off my life and he'd rather me live to be 90 with a functioning leg than 50 with an amputee. I tust him. I do. Its just disheartening that there is nothing.they.can.do. Its a waiting game. If/when it breaks we start at square one like last time. They salvage as much as possible and fix what they can trying to save as much natural bone in the process as necessary. He said the hip itself could last another 20 years, but my body wont allow it. For some reason that bone just doesnt like being connected to metal. I dont either, bone, I dont either.

He sat in the room with me for over and hour. He cried, huged me, reassured me that at least its not the risk of a stroke being home alone or a heart attack etc and that we're dealing with a broken bone in reality. He said to live however I want basically, do what I want and get alot of life living done with the hip I have and that this is all because i am here. We could be avoiding all of this if I wouldnt have survived the cancers and if the hip (which at the time was experimental to be done the way it was) had not been a success we wouldnt be worrying about all this anyways.

 Still I cried. The whole time. I just get defeated. Sick of dealing with it all the time. The last time I was there he had given me the 2 year release...to come back in 2 years. I had been waiting for that 2 year release for YEARS. He took it back this time. He wants me to come every  year for a while. We did dicsover while I was there that I have been CANCER FREE FOR 16 YEARS!! WHOOP.  He seemed to think this was more of an exciting thing than I since I have no memory of it but he said he remembers enough for both of us so he was excited. He wrote it in my charts with smily faces and exclaimation marks. :) i also thought it was funny that he wrote in there personal things, like what I've been doing lately- that I have a photo business, that my daughter is 4, single mom etc. Funny that he wants to remember that stuff. Its nice.

My friend shannon went with me so that she could help with Vaughn while I was in the appointment. They visited the library and museum at the hospital and looked at the doll houses. Afterwards we stopped and ate lunch at the mall and V got to ride the famous carrosel. She was a GREAT kid the whole day. I was SO Proud of her. Especially since she was up at 5:30 am getting ready and didnt nap til around 3 pm. Proud mama.

My cup overflows with love for this little sweetie.

Passed out on the way hoe. Sweet girl. I wanted to do this too! It was a LONG day.

A few others from this week...the weather has been so gorgeous so we've been doing some major grilling and playing outside!

el Natural

I am forever looking for new ways to go green or all natural vs using chemicas or costly uncecessary things. Who isn't right? Spending $20 a month on shampoo/conditioner doesnt seem like much, but over a year thats $240 JUST to wash our hair....whaaa? On top of that think of all the cleaning products we buy $4 for windex, $10 for laundry soap (which lasts a couple weeks only).... and body wash and face lotions which can be upwards of $40 for a 3-4 month supply and skin lotions that are $7 a bottle and the list goes on. So, the frugal mama in me has been determined to find other ways. I will share them as I come across them.

The 2 I am starting with is shampoo/conditioner and lotions.

Here goes. I have seen blog after blog on being "poo free". Seems gross yes...I am a little leary of not washing my hair either. I have naturally thin, fine, oily hair. Its dry dry dry and if I go a day without washing it its crazy crazy oily. So the trick? 1 Tablespoon of baking soda to 1 cup water.....I put it in an old shampoo bottle and made enough to fill the bottle. You put it on your scalp mostly since thats where the oil comes from and let it soak a little, rub a little and rinse. The goal is to let your hair keep its natural oils instead of sudsing them out and drying them out causing your scalp to overproduce oil. As for conditioner you are supposed to use EITHER 1 Tablespoon honey in 8 ounces of water OR 1 Tablespoon of apple cider vinegar in 1 cup water and mostly just apply to the ends. More conditioner if your hair is dry after a couple days, more baking soda if its too oily.

Results? After 2 days being "poo free" here is my hair.  More body and not greasy yet! I'm going to keep it up for a few days and see what happens....I might be poo free for life if this works. I did not use conditioner at all (including the natural above recipe.) but will next time as the ends got pretty dry.

clean face.

Ok, onto the face/lotion. I might possibly have the worlds most sensitive skin. Seriously. I break out just walking into bath and body works ;) and anything with fragrance in the lotion? cant do it. I typically use Philosophy Hope In a Jar for face lotion. Its divine. Glorious. Oprah worthy face lotion (seriously, she uses it! We're basically besties.) but its $40 a jar and lasts a couple months. Its worth it. To me. I have VERY dry skin (making myself sound so attractive I know- Poo free dried out ole me.)  and for body lotion I have tried everything on the block. L'Occitan works best but its $20 a tube and that might last me a couple weeks. So whats a scaly skin girl to do? I have done away with ALL lotions for a couple months now. I am using Vit E Oil. Thats it. On my face and body. Its $3 a bottle at Trader Joes and a bottle lasts me a couple weeks. I use it twice daily on my face. It DOES NOT make you oily at all and clears up all zits thus far. I put a little in the bath and if I need more after that will rub on like lotion. It is AMAZING. I am trying to also go make up free and its nearly killing me. I love make up. BUT, I am so full of self loathing hatred lately that I am trying to like me for me, not the masked made up, falsified me. SO here is a sad, hard to look at picture of the Vit. E Oiled up non makeuped me. Ugh, this is hard for me to see. Can I get used to this person? I dont know.

Lent? To do or not to do?

Lent...
When I was little (talking middle school and high school)  I thought it was soooo fun and "cool" to give something up for lent. But, it was trivial....nothing that mattered, skittles, chocolate, note writing to my friends. Over the course of my (short) adult life I have thought every year on whether or not to participate. I do it as a challenge-40 days of commitment to SOMETHING. But its never for a religious purpose. So this year, my lent season challenge is to read my daily devotional every day (which is now put on top of my computer and I insist on reading it before anything else during the day. It's one on Single Mothering. Appropriate.)
....And to try to drop 15 lbs during this 40 day go-round. (basically focusing more on getting myself healthy.) I realize the latter isn't a "religious challenge" but its a needed thing and something I need to focus more prayer on getting back to the body God created and intended for me to have and less on my sugary, salty, bagely, monster cookie, pasta-y cravings. I think when I free my body of the excess weight (clearly more than 15 lbs needs to go but a girl can only tackle so much in 40 days) then maybe I'll free my mind of the self hate as well. Fingers crossed.

Are you participating? What are you giving up?

memory lane

Somedays, I spend time lost in the hallways of beige and white. I get lost in the beeping, the paging, the sound of wheelchair wheels squeaking and bed wheels rattling down the halls. Somedays I spend long periods of time staring at the foot of the bed, the cream colored metal and white waffled bedspreads covering the bottom of my feet. Sometimes the sounds of quiet footsteps, whispers and hushed TVs is too loud to handle. Sometimes the swooshing of the on/off switch on the tv or the "click, swoosh" of the channels turning is mind consuming in volume. I taste the saline, the creamy, thick, banana mouth wash followed by the burning, swishing of peppermint mouthwash and the ice cold feeling of an iodine swab. I am jolted by the scent of bodies that have not soaked in a bath for months, the hushed voices of doctors gathered in hallways and the loud buzzing of the nurses pages. And thats it. Those memories repeat. Daily. Several times per day.

 I blank after that. No amount of time consumed in this tunnel, this memory treadmill gets me any further than those memories. And the moment a new memory reveals even a glimps of itself, my body shuts off. I am brought back to this day, this moment of life that is far from those days. I have tried, desperately for years on end to remember all those moments. Pleasant or not, that is my childhood- part of me. A part of me that everyone.else.knows in grave detail and I not in any detail. It is gut wrenching. To be told "Its better that way" is like telling someone "its good you dont know who you are or why you are the way you are. Its better that way." but its not. Its scary. Its consuming and I want to remember. I need to remember.

My daughters skipping and jumping and tapping is enough most days to send me to a padded room. It gets under my skin, makes it crawl, makes me want to throw up. Its the repeated noises. The alarm clock, the oven timer, a base in a song, the ringing of a phone. They set me off. The crinkling of wrapping paper on Christmas morning, The chatting of too many voices at once, the sound of squeaky grocery store carts. Its too much, it makes my insides curdle and wince. But why? What is it about those things that cause me so much anxiety and pain? I can only assume its all related.

Maybe not, maybe I am an over sensitive victim of the over stimuli we as American's get on a daily basis. I doubt it. But its possible. I'd love to attempt hypnosis.....some sort of reading of my medical documents, written interviews of the stories of those who were an intricate part of those days....the ones who were close to me. But could I trust that they be honest, tell me the truth, the good, the bad, the painful?  Doubtful. As humans  we sugar coat by nature, want others to believe in the beauty and glitter that maybe never was. Problem is: I realize my childhood was short. It was until age 6. Thats it. I get that. But what about the other 8 years that I dont remember? What about age 6-14? Where did THOSE years go? Where are THOSE memories? I'd love to hear your stories. My memories through your eyes, the stories you remember about those years of my life. It would mean the world to me to receive them. All of them, every detail, every smile, every tear. Everything you remember about me. About you- how it affected you. I want the whole story- I'd love to compile them, read them in a group and try hard to remember. If I cant, maybe your memories can become mine. And because if something happens to my memories that only you hold- if you don't share them...then they are trapped forever, just like I am. Trapped. Write them. Send them to me. Please.

The Likes of Picaso

last night I pulled out an old canvas board and some cheap pasta and had V glue the shapes to the board. She munched on the raw pasta (ew) in between every one and kept asking "aren't you gonna cook it? Why am I doing THIS?" She was having and it was after an hour and half meltdown over her not eating her dinner (I said fine after 20 min and put it in the fridge but the meltdown continued.....sigh). She left and went to daddy's house for the night.

As soon as she got home she wanted to paint it. Look at her masterpiece...and her pride :) So sweet. A butterfly in the top corner, a cloud in the other, rain, a flower, the sunset in the middle and a spiral "thing" just cause. Beautiful....

Art! at its finest!

Hearts, Pink, Love and Mushy Stuff

Another one bites the dust. I have a love/hate relationship with Valentines Day. I think, for children, its a sweet day full of opportunity to talk about love and show them how its nice to SHOW others how you feel. Its fun for crafts, pink food and holiday parties at school. V was very into Valentines Day this year and 3 weeks ago wanted to make a Vday box to keep on the stand in between our rooms so we could exchange love letters everyday. It was fun. All of mine had her name and my name and girl with a bow in her hair drawn on it. It was cute. She's a sweetie.

As for adults go, I think the holiday is totally CHEESY. I mean, I think its fun to celebrate wtih someone but its also sort of a lame day. I dont want to be show that you care on the same day that every.other.person in the world/america (not sure who all celebrates) is being shown. I think as adults we should be capable of finding unique and fun ways to show people we care all year. I know its idealistic to say- but really....Ok, off my soap box now.

We did have a fun day. As a child I have SO ANY fond memories of Valentines day. I have said it a million times but my mom was excellent about making holidays fun and memorable for us. It was always a special day! We woke up every year to a valentines day fairy treat (usually our favorite- cherry jub jells and a small stuffed animal, coloring book or some other fun goodie and chocolate.) It was sweet. I have followed the tradition with V but she knows its just me....The Valentines Day fairy brought balloons while she was at preschool and a small paddle/ball toy. She thought she hit the jackpot with that Dollar Tree toy until it broke about 10 paddles in. And honestly dont know what I was thinking with the balloons. If you EVER need balloons hit up your dollar tree. They are all $1 for huge mylar balloons...forget the $10 from other stores! I loathe balloons. They are noisy, in the way and as soon as they start to deflate I really cant stand them. She carried them around everywhere with her yesterday. Everywhere. Including the bathroom, put them at the bottom of her bed during nap, at dinner holding onto them. Cute. Alot of my memories also revolve around Sunday School for some reason (I have very few memories of school parties- but a couple) Singing I have the Joy Joy Joy Joy Down in My Heart, squatting down with each "down" and screaming the word "where?" While holding onto a box of candy hearts (Idk but this is one of my most vivid memories) while standing next to Johnny Swarthout, his mom leading music time and my sister standing in back with her "too cool to sing this song puppetteers." Ha, I love that memory.

ready to hit the oven! I forgot an after shot so
imagine the buttery goodness a golden shade of brown;)

We colored and read valentines day books and gave lots of hugs and kisses and then started in on Homemade Chicken Pot Pie.  Because following a recipe would nearly kill me, I of course changed it up by adding honey when cooking the chicken, used almond milk and chicken broth for the sauce (was a little thin, should have added more flour), seasoned with thyme, ground mustard, fresh garlic, a bay leaf and a pinch of nutmeg, salt and pepper.) I nearly doubled the chicken and used cressent rolls instead of phyllo dough because we all know our tiny little grocery store doesnt carry phyllo dough. They were yummy! I still have some perfecting to do but they were pretty tasty.

Hope everyone had a fantastic Valentine's Day.
What's your favorite memory? Do you celebrate/
get into the day? One of my favorite parts is that now its on to St Patricks Day which is really
MY Holiday!  Time to get our green on and start speaking like an Irishmen.

Hearts, Pink, Love and Mushy Stuff

TGIF

My Many faces this week. Cleaning lady, working gal, mad mama (bottom right)

This was at goodwill for $5. It has turned into an incredible rewards system for V. Thus far, she is in love with this and playing it together has helped her listen. Best $5 spent ever. Seemed like a silly purchase as I wasnt sure it would work but glad I got it. Its small...fits ontop of the coffee table. Perfect size for her.

The day of the snow storm V went out on the porch to play in the snow. She thought this was the most amazing thing ever- her snowball. cute.

Our street after the snow fall. It was GORGEOUS. And I hate snow. But this was a pretty one.

She loves to play this game with Charlie brown where we act out a "wedding" And everytime, Charlie says "no" to the question "Do you take my mom to be your bride." and the I have to over react and stomp off and act upset and she whispers to him how thats not nice. I somehow feel its like therapy for her. And then we laugh and do it over and over again "hoping" each time he will say yes. She's funny. I hate this game. But she loves it. No one wants to be told "no" to that question---even if it is just Charlie Stinkin Brown.

Vaughnie taking her turn at pool ...she is suprisignly a champ. She did great. better than me. Embarrassing.

Emeril Lagase's Bagels. Why not?

I should start by saying I am leary. I am not a big bread fan at.all. Other than my mothers homemade rolls and Texas Road House bits of yummy goodness, I could pass on bread. I never order sandwhiches when out and if I eat sandwhiches I always end up throwing the bread away. Its just not my thing. Panera bagels however, Oh.My.Glory to God in the highest. I eat the heck outta those babies. So, I decided to try to make some. Baking, for me, is like therapy. The process soothes me and often- the longer the process the better.....depending on my stress level- Cooking, I'd prefer to be short and sweet but baking, I just adore. So....Bagels. I dont know why, I saw a picture of one on pinterest and decided it was the only way to spend my Thursday afternoon. I have failed miserably at bread making in the past, I'm just no good at the rising thing. But these babies rose beautifully.

Here is the link to the recipe:: http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/emeril-lagasse/homemade-bagels-recipe/index.html  and I tweaked by using half bread flour half APF.

I did half in sesame and half with cinn/brown sugar (leaving the coating off of half in fear that it would burn). and I gave them an egg bath before adding the goodness to the top. Plain ones also got a bath of egg mixed with a spoonfull of sweetened condensed milk just for a little sweetness. I dont think the recipe says it but I also put sugar in the water bath as most bagel recipes I found recommend this, and who am I to disagree...I'm a newbie.

I can smell them now cooking away and oh man alive. I want to dive in NOW.

Cinnimon Sugar "panera style"...YUM

Plain and Sesame. My favs.

I forgot to take a picture of the boiling process so here is the oven process

rising- look at those beauts. Could almost eat them raw. Ew. No I couldnt. But they are fun to look at!

Tried High Protien Bread Flour and seemed to work great. The bagels are chewy and delicious . From now on, I will be using this along with fast rising yeast to make all my pastries and breads (I am impatient.)

Parenting is hard stuff

Writing here, just becuase if I dont get it all out I am going to pop....much like a 2 liter, shaken too many times- my lid will come off and I will spray all around me within a 10 mile radius. Today has been, for the record, the longest day in the past 4 years. Probably. It seems like it anyways. We have encountered ridiculous meltdown after ridiculous meltdown ranging in spans from 1 minute to almost 2 hours. I am emotionally, physically, spiritually and wilfully drained. I have slid my body down the wall into a puddle on the floor, hands on head and cried uncountable times today, I have fought, begged, pleaded, prayed, counted to 10, counted to 50, removed myself from the room, removed her from the situation, redirected, loved on, punished, taken things away, swore to take other things away, offered bribery...nothing.has.worked. I have been reminded by a few close friends in the breakdown phone calls of "something- give me any suggestion you have" that I am the mother of a very willful, very emotional and very smart 4 year old girl. I am not failing as a mother, she is succeeding as a 4 year old child. And just to breathe. Breathe? I think i held my breathe allll day long. or so it feels like it now. And the truth is that today- I simply didnt feel like a good mother. I know my child, I know how she pushes me and today, no matter what i tried there was nothign that could get her out of her funk. Or me. We got out of the house at one point and she did fine. Not an outburst at all. The moment we walked in the door (pulled in the driveway actually) she started making up more reasons why she was angry at the world (aka, me) from the fact that her pants itched, her shoe was too tight, the sun was too bright, the snow was too white, the banana was not brown enough, the food was not what she wanted, the asaparagus tasted different, the pasta was not hot enough, the corn was too wet, the fruit was too sour, the sheets were too warm, the book was boring, the carpet felt funny, the couch was not comfortable, and the list could go on and on and on and on. These were not mere observations....they were complete long meltdowns. Every.Single.One. My dad came tonight to hang some curtains in our living room (good thing, the neighbors probably wonder what the heck moved in across the street from them.) and he listened to a 20 minute battle (short in comparison to the rest of the day) and saw my exhuastion and offered to step in. Bless him. It was no success and as soon as he walked out the door it started again. its 10:47 at night and she is still nto asleep. I have listened to her scream that she doesnt love me anymore and wants to be with her dad (Dont get me started on what I WANTED to say here, of course I said nothing)   listened to her throw thigns against the wall for 40 minutes, pull everything out of her closet, off her shelves and out of her toyboxes and scream at the top of her lungs since 8 pm. I am doing all I can to stay awake longer than her. I went to the basement to try to give my ears a rest and while I was down there I had a revelation. I am sure I sound much like that to God most days. Whining, unhappy, nothing is right, everything is bothersome, the plans he has are not the plans I want, I want more, better, different all the time. Nothing is enough. I am sure I sound annoying, relentless and whiny in my prayers. I am sure at times he wants to duct tape my mouth shut and scream at me to shut my mouth for 2 minutes, I am sure there are times he wants to lock me in my room until his plan is in effect. I am sure at times, I sound much like a whiny 4 year old on little sleep. And when I got back upstairs Vaughnie was singing Worship music at the top of her lungs. A complete 180 from her screaming and throwing. And then I busted into tears becuase in the midst of the maddness and chaos, HIS LOVE for us is louder than the maddness and chaos. His voice can come through a 4 year olds tired mouth and the joy in which she sings.

Praying hard for a restful night for the weary (me) and a peace in the morning.  Cause without a little rest and a little peace, folks, Imma fall apart.

My little artist.

the other day Vaughnie walked in and handed me this drawing. In shock, I asked what it was. She said "its a giraffe mom, duh."    Duh. It's a giraffe. Clearly.

Well I've been lacking in my blogging---new years resolution-kaput.

Today I had an interview. The ONLY reason I took this interview is becuase I need it even though I loathe the idea of another job- I am doing EXACTLY what I love and want to do- I'm just not getting paid enough to be able to OnlY do that. SPring-Fall is amazing, busy, wonderful, fine. Winter? You suck winter. No one wants their photos taken when its cold and gross looking outside. I feast in the summer and I famine in the winter. So, I'm working on it.

Let me say.....WORST most commical interview I have EVER Had. I laughed several times DURING the interview at the ridiculousness of it. First, I was given a list of 200 words and asked to mark ALL that have been used to EVER describe me by ANYONE in ANY situation in my ENTIRE life. Really? I marked every single one. let me further explain by saying these direction of these words ranged anywhere from "hot" to "fussy" and "audacious" "lackluster" and "non conformist." Seriously?
Then I was handed another paper, same words, and asked to mark the ones I thought actually were me. I checked about half. Stupid. Stupid. Who cares if I have ever been called "hot". I mean, look at me! I'm gorg. :)

Then, every following question from the interviewer in a hooded sweatshirt who rallied her liking for the vikings before even introducing herself, was a "on a scale of 1-10" question. I HATE those questions. BE more specific. Example She asked me "on a scale of 1-10 how creative are you." First, your interviewing for a desk job of keying in numbers.....does this job require even an ounce of creativity? Who the heck cares? And, are we talking about from a dog to Picaso or are you comparing me to my peers or what? I mean, thats not even a worthy question. For the record I gave myself a 7. 

The real kicker question for me was "How accurate would you say you are?" I stared at her blankly and then asked for more direction. "You mean, like, with typing, or keying or filing or what?" and she said......wait for it....."In life." I gave her a thoughful answer of "93% accurate." ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!?

After this painful experience she proceded to tell me "we are not even sure if we are going to hire or not, we've had 5 interviews and everyone 'seems nice' but we're not sure if we can do the job without hiring someone else or if we decide to hire whether it will be next week or in April or later than that."
I'm sorry....do you want me to invoice you for my gas money for the trip in here this morning cause I thought you INTERVIEWED PEOPLE BECAUSE YOU WERE LOOKING TO HIRE?!?!?!?! I cant believe I even got out of bed for this woman.

On top of the job situation I need prayers for a messy messy, unfair, issue I am having with my ex husband. I know I will triumph in this area because I have the only legal right to the issue but its going to be messy. I just need prayers for patience and direction cause frankly, I'd prefer to hit him with a baseball bat, slash his tires or burn his house down than speak another kind word to him for as long as we both shall live.