So, I started the colon cleansing kit this morning. So far, I only have one word to say. NASTY! The pills were not bad, the fiber drink was the grossest thing I have ever tasted. The directions described it as a "delicious creamy banana shake." WHAT? it was the grainiest, feet tasting drink I have ever tried. How will I ever drink that 60 times? (once per day for 2 months) I am going to have to be more inventive with how I drink it, they suggested trying it in a fruit smoothy if you hate it. I will definetly be pulling out the blender and frozen fruit tmorrow ....gag me! We will see if I get results. hopefully!

I surived!

I made it through my 1st week back to work. (and have been able to get ahead on my classes after Ve goes to bed).It was a long, hard week and I have missed my sweetie terribly. It has been hard because at night, we have such a routine that I feel like I dont get time to be silly with her. I am looking forward to this weekend to just hang out and enjoy my babe!

I got my first sponsor for the 3 day walk! I emailed the physical therapist here in town and he is giving me a hundred dollars. I am hoping to get many more local sponsors.Its free adveritising (we are printing them on our shirts) so its nice that he was willing to do that.

I am tired now though and know that six oclock will come too soon. I will take pics this weekend and post.

Breast Cancer 3 Day Walk

So, as many of you have read in my emails or on facebook- I have made the commitment to take part in the Breast Cancer 3 Day walk in Chicago August 7-9th. I am VERY excited. Its about time we stomp that stupid disease and get rid of it once and for all. I am alittle nervous about having to raise $2300 but i have decided that I want to raise $3000. I will be trying to come up with fundraising from now until the event and cannot wait to get my training schedule to start training. It is 60 miles in 3 days! Luckily I have many months to train for it. I just know so many people who have had and Survived breast cancer or who have died from it. It sickens me! I am walking for all of you! its a big commitment and that worries me, but I would want someone to walk for me if I had ever had breast cancer and i want to do my part to make sure no one else I know, my daughter, grandchildren, myself, my friends, more family...no more people that I know and love gets it. I wish I was walking for no one, but unfortunatly, my list is an arm length long. I would love to get a big team together to enjoy the festivities, camping out, everthing together, but I will do it alone just the same if I cannot find others.


Mel says Ve is doing great at Daycare and I can tell, when I go she is just always having a blast. Makes me happy and sad all at once. Today was too cute, they were playing outside and she was covered in mud and looked like she had the time of her life. Sweet. I miss her all day still! That will never change I am sure.

Well, I have classes to work on so I will get going.

Vaughn and Rudy being fashionistas!!! I love that he gets silly with her!

1st day

Today was exactly how I anticipated. Heart wrenching. Today I could hardly say goodbye to Ve. I got her up early to spend time with her and she, I think, could sense something was different. Our morning routine was off. Let me back up and say i cried all night long, no sleep for me. So I woke with a headache from crying which sucked., Rudy got her about five minutes after i should have left so I was scrambling to explain everything to him about the sitter, what to take etc. I kissed ve a million times and was just sobbing. Poor girl was so confused! I left and Rudy said before I even pulled out she was screaming and crying and trying to open the garage door and get out. He said this went on for about 10 minutes and then he was able to distract her. that broke my heart that she was so upset! I am sure my crying didnt help her any. I cried the entire way into work and to make matter worse today was the boring training, reading mannuals etc so my mind was CONSTANTLY drifting to her, what she was doing, how she was handling it. I didnt have phone access or email access yet so i was not able to call and check on her. The bosses took us to lunch so I couldnt even call during lunch! That was devestating. Dont think I didnt cry often during the day. Whenever anyone asked me how my first day was I just cried and said "hard." They probably think im nuts! Mel, her sitter, sent me several text messages letting me know she was doing well and what activities they were doing. That was super sweet and did help alot. She said VE had a ton of fun and didnt fuss once all day...she took a great nap and played well with everyone! That was so nice to hear, she also wrote up a great note about her day. VE was so sweet and wrapped her arms around my neck when i got there and gave m e the biggest hug...that made me cry again! She was so good tonight and very lovey. I hope she missed me, but am glad she had fun at "Busy Bee's learning center." Its a cute little home daycare and she only has two other children...one of which is just a bit older than V.
it was hard to put her to bed because i wanted her to stay up and spend time with me, but she stayed up an hour later than normal and was pooped. Isnt it unreal the empty achy feeling you get when your away from your children? You would think a break would be a relief, but it never is. its just gut wrenching...thats the only way to explain it. Completely incomplete and sad! I am hoping that on Fridays (when Rudy has them off starting next week) they will be able to come meet me for lunch so that will help my day go faster!

Also, insurance is offically the most boring topic known to man. Zzzzzzz....sorry uncle greg but its just not my cup of tea....I kept glazing over and yawning...its going to make for long days and even longer weeks....

dreadful day tomorrow

Here it is sunday and i am DREADING going back to work tomorrow! I am seriously sick to my stomach about it. I bawled while putting VE to bed and just rocked her and cuddled her and cried. Im such a baby! It is just breaking my heart to leave her! Luckily this week will just be from 11:30-5 (or earlier if I can get there sooner) but still, thats along time. I just wish I could explain it to her and tell her she would be fine and make new friends and that i wasnt leaving or abandoning her and I didnt want to go and that she hasnt done anything wrong and that its not what i really want...i just feel like she is going to think its her fault or that she's being punished. That kills me. This has not been the way I imagined it! I really did think I would get called for the census and am still holding out for that. It is just killing me...here I go, crying again. I am sure its normal for moms to be sad when they have to leave their children and I did it before, so I know that it doesnt get easier on the moms but it does on the kiddos. It sucks that its not right next to my work like it has been in the past. Its hard to know that if she gets sick it will take me a half hour to get to her. I just feel like i am going to cry the entire way to work tomorrow...and probably all day there too! I was hoping to get to go visit the new sitters house with Ve this weekend so she woulkdnt be going to a strange place but they were out of town. I am having rudy go an hour early tomorrow and sit and play with her. I am glad he is taking her, I couldnt stand to leave if/when she cries. boy, im a mess. I hope I get all these tears out by tomorrow! Rudy is dreading it too, he hates that i have to do this....and is hoping by summer something will have changed. he would like me to do in home daycare and i wouldnt mind that either. I keep telling myself this is a good thing for vaughnie, she will make friends and they do alot of art projects and have curriculum and do lesson plans so it will be great for her to learn and experience that with other children. I keep telling myself that....over and over and my heart just knows that no one takes care of babies like their moms do. No one will love her or feel for her when she falls and gets hurt, no one will be able to pay one on one attention to her, no one will cherish those little facial expressions and learning moments like I do.

Ok Meghan, pull it together. Day by day. I just feel like I am failing as a mother. And at the same time i know financially this is a wise move. I went and looked at a townhome here in Adel today that would be good for us. It was small but had three bedrooms, a humongous back yard, really nice little kitchen, big living room, it would be perfect for us...and I could afford it with this job. So I keep thinking of those things. We will be able to bond better as a family on our own and it will make me more confident to be on my own...and yet.....i will miss her every- single- second of the day!

I am gonna need lots of prayers tomorrow throughout the day!

What's wrong little pookie?

This is one of VE's favorite books "Whats wrong little pookie!?" And thats exactly what Ive been saying this whole week. It was definetly not the week I imagined it would be. I wanted my last week staying at home with her to be full of fun, crafts, nice weather, play time and laughs....boy was I ever thrown off when this week came as it did. V, the poor girl, has been the whiniest and neediest I have ever known her. Three pukes and many sleepless nights and non eaten meals later I took her to the clinic today. Of course they said there is nothing wrong with her. She has fifths disease. Thats it. He said its not contagious and she should be over it in a few days. I was CERTAIN it was her ears. She has been pulling on them and sticking her finger inside of them and saying "ouch mommy!" Breaks my heart. Good news though- no ear infection. He said if it doesnt get better in a couple days to take her to her normal ped doctor and have then do blood work. Poor thing. Here is is 6:22 and she's already in bed. We cut our weekend getaway short because frankly I couldnt go another night like last night. Hopefully she sleeps better tonight. Sigh. I feel just rotten for her. Poor thing, sick kiddos are the worst!