I cant believe Christmas is over! It always seems like there is such abuild up and then, the next day- its gone. Its sad!! We had a great time this year though- seeing everyone, all the family, it being Vaughn-elise's first Christmas made it extra special. Although im not sure she felt well- she did pretty good.
We are going to the Quad Cities this weekend since we didnt go last and it is taking all i have to get everything ready- here and to leave. Vaughn is not sleeping well- at all really and its definetly taking its toll on me. We take turns staying up with her, rocking her, singing, feeding- nothing seems to work. when she doesnt sleep- neither do i and I am definetly not a person who can go on little to no sleep! Im a big grouch lately. I have taken her to the doctor and they say there is nothing wrong- but i know that she's not acting right....so Im taking her to a different doctor to get it figured out.

I am getting SOOO excited for my sister to have her baby boy!!! I really cant believe its only a couple weeks away.... I cant wait to see him. I cant wait to know what he looks like, smells like, how he acts, does he have hair? How big is he? I think about it all the time. I am so excited for Vaughn to have a cousin (2 really) so close to her age.

I am still waiting to hear back about this job. I thought it was a for sure thing- apparently i missunderstood and they are still interviewing. They will have their decision made by friday afternoon-I am just anxious to know- if I am not goign to work there, I HAVE to find something else!!! Its really stressful!!! Just pray that whatever i am supposed to do is shown to me. It will be a BIG relief to know what is going to be happenign job wise!

A cup of holiday cheer...

Rudy opening his HBO series one of weeds....

She wasnt quite sure about the unicorn...

But soon found it quite the snuggly sleep partner....

Mama in her new wrap with a snoozing baby girl snuggled in and an overlooking unicorn...named lil lona

I cant believe its the day before Christmas eve. Actually, only an hour and a half before. This year it hasnt seemed like Christmas until- well, up until now. Its weird for me to feel that way as usually i feel "christmasy" around october:) Maybe its part of growing up or maybe its part of a stressful time in my life. Either way, im glad i am feeling the cheer now. We were supposed to go to the QuadCities for Christmas with rudy's family this weekend, however, they were all sick and with the weather the way it was- vaughn and i stayed home. Rudy went ahead and went (as some of my presents were there and he felt the need to go home and see family as he wont be with them on thier actual christmas celebration which they do on chrismtas eve night.)

This morning i went to church with vaughnie and the holiday music is always so magical. I really hope she has the same "magic" assosciated with this time of year as i do. Its something priceless. We went back to my parents and spent the afternoon hanging o ut with the whole family- looking at recipes, baking, preparing for Chrismtas eve and Christmas day. I think thats what got me in the holiday mood. SOmething about being home always does it for me. I think thats part of the reason i have struggled this year- not being home as much as i would like.

Rudy made it home safetly and we decided that with the hustle and bustle of tomorrow and him working- me being at my grandparents and then staying the night to morrow night at my parents and spending all of Christmas day there- that we would do our gift exchange tongiht with vaughn and each other. She slept most of the way through it, but thats okay, it was nice to just hang out with each other. Apparently all my gifts have not arrived so next weekend at his families, i will have more from him. My absolute favorite thing is the green chennile wrap i recieved from him..i think EVERYONE should have one. Its so luxurious and warm. Vaughnie just loved snuggling up to it. I have a feeling i will never take it off. (and may just order ten more in every color:)

Rudy got vaughnie this adorable multi colored stuffed unicorn and its so sweet. Its nice to see him think of her and think of things he would like her to have,

I am really excited about tomorrow- seeing family- enjoying food. But even more so, i am very excited about Christmas. I just love all of the family traditions. I think it would be neat to see a book of everyone I know and thier family holiday traditions. I think its such a wonderful thing and sucha personal thing for each family.

Anyways, Im babbling.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!!!

two sighs of relief...

#1. Last night wasnt nearly as bad as i had anticipated. Vaughnie slept alot in the early evening and with tylonol was in a suprisingly great mood. She was smiling and laughing like the little angel i know her to be. At night however, she was up and about pretty much all night. She mostly just cat napped- thirty minutes here, an hour there, but really- didnt sleep for any stretch of time. she wasnt even hungry. Sometimes she just needed rocked, sometimes she would wake up and just be talking to herself and laughing and "playing" with her hands. Even though i know she's okay when she's awake and not hungry- i still cant sleep. But, she's been asleep all morning now. I think the little stinker has her days and nights mixed up. We will have to work on this...:)

#2 I am OFFICIALLY DONE SHOPPING. I bet you never thought you'd hear me say that was a relief huh? But this year, its just a lot more difficult to get her out in the cold and in and out of stores etc. It was fun while it lasted, but i (as well as my check book) am glad to be done shopping:)

So tonight its off to LaJames to get pampered by maria:)

2 month checkup...

Today was a rough day in our household. Vaughnie had her 2 month checkup...this means, shots. I think it was harder for me than her- i couldnt sleep last night thinking about it. I just cant believe she has now felt pain for the first time. If oucld have had her go without them, i would have. In fact, i thought about canceling the apt just to postpone the pain for her... but i know she needs them and they will help keep her healthy. That not to say i didnt cry when she got them- because i did. Maybe harder than her even. She did good- she cried but calmed down shortly afterwards. She has been asleep ever since she got them but they said to expect that. Poor sweet girl- never did anything to that mean nurse and then she got stabbed three times!

On a lighter note- I had my interview today for WPNT. it went well- i got offered the job and have to let them know in a few days if i want it. It sounds good, and it will be nice to have an income- but its just hard adjusting the thought of going back to work. Im going to miss my baby!!!

Tomorrow we are going in for a spa day to help out matt's girlfriend maria with some credits she needs to graduate from la james. I m not sure yet what all we are getting done but it should be a good time.

Holiday Crazies.

I really believe that holidays bring out the best AND worst in people. When we are home by the fire, the best...when we are out in the insane crowds shopping and getting hit in the ankles with carts and being cut off by crazy moms in mini vans- the absolute worst. I use to get some sort of sick thrill of being in the middle of the mall with fifty thousand other crazy shoppers all searching for the same thing. It used to be an adrenaline rush. Now i think people who enjoy are slightly ill. :)
I took vaughn out shopping today (on her two month birthday by the way) forgetting what it was like. See, im one of those women who are usually nearly done by Thanksgiving...and now i remember why. Sweet vaughnie did AMAZING....she didnt wake up one time. I dont know how she could sleep through all the noise and music and lights...but she did. I am blessed for that because i think a screaming baby may have put me over the edge. After driving around the mall parking lot for 30 minutes, i not only realized how crazy i was, but that i really hated this part of the holidays.
I met rudy in town to go to target and them met up with my brother, maria and kendal and her friend. We went to dinner and all had a good time hanging out.
All in all it was an EXHAUSTING day and I am realizing that NOTHING in that mall is worth dealing with that mess ever again. I will do online ordering or stick to target. Ba Humbug.

Is it meant to be??

Today has been both really good and really difficult. I have been praying alot about the whole going back to work thing. I really really cant imagine leaving my angel...not for two hours let alone all day. Everytime i think of it, i get sick to my stomach. She is just so little and well, she's my angel. I just cant imagine missing her first step or her first crawl or her first word- I want to be there for everything and i dont want her to ever feel like i abandoned her or left her or chose work over her or anything. It makes me so incredibly sad when i think about it. Truthfully, i wish I didnt have to go back, that i could stay home with her and I could teach her things and snuggle her and be the only person she goest o when she's sad or upset. I want to always be the one to comfort her. I want her to know that she is such a blessing to me and that she is the most important thing to me. Someone said the other day- "its money or time with your baby and there comes a point where you have to decide what is most important." I cant stop thinking about that. OF COURSE, she is the most important thing. And if i felt we could survive without me going back to work, i would stay home in a heartbeat. I know she didnt mean to make me feel bad, but it really did. I just know that the only way we can survive and the only responsible thing for me to do at this point is to go back to work, pay off some debt, get a savings built up and eventually (God willing) I can stay home with her. I always thought i wuold want to be a working mom. I thought i would be bored staying at home...but now that i have her, i cant imagine going back. I only have two weeks left with her before i will have to do somehting.

Last night, while shopping with my oh-so- in- labor sister, she got a phone call from Phillippe and he told her that one of his cliets was looking for an admin assistant. and asked if he knew anyone that would be a good fit. He mentioned my name and her and i spoke today. It sounds like the job is mine if i want it. The p ay is more than double anything i have ever made before and the job seems perfect, flexible, potential to make alot of money, a great atmosphere....the only thing is that it now feels very real that i will have to leave her. before i htink i was pretending that I could just stay at home. I didnt have a job lined up so i could pretend i wasnt ever going to have one.
I am lucky that rudy doesnt go to work til noon and i can get off at 3:30 so she will be with her parents most of the day- but she will still be away from me , her momma for 8 hours- i cant make my heart be okay with that.
We have a really amazing family friend whom i have talked to about taking her part time. She said this would work out and i feel trully blessed to have her be the one to watch vaughnie. the only next best thing to being a stay at home mom is having someone that you know loves your child and has their best interest at heart to watch them. I think if i had to take her to a center- i would just fade away. I know that millions of moms go to work every day...i just think it must be the hardest thing a mom ever has to do. You are all blessed who are in financially secure situations and can stay home with your babies. Thanks barb for taking away some of the stress of leaving my girly. I know she will be in good hands.

Anyways, all ngiht i have been a bawling mess. Rudy keeps assuring me that she wont feel abandoned or unloved and that i will have a harder time than her. I know this is true- i just cant get over it. Pray that my heart feels at ease about going back to work and i have a sense of peace about it.

Whats so funny?

Lately, vaughn elise has been making the cutest, funniest noises. She is learning to "mock" the pitch of your voice. Granted, she has to be in the mood- but if we talk in different pitches she will do the same. Its hillarious and she gets so excited that her hands start flailing and her feet are a kickin. Its adorable. She's so much fun.

She was perfect yesterday on the way to iowa city and even when we were at the doctors and then shopping. She just took it all in. We got to stop at the new carters outlet store in Williamsburg which was the highlight of the trip for me. I just love Carters stuff. If your ever over there , its a great store wtih AMAZING deals. Most things were under ten dollars.

I cant believe Christmas is only 12 days away. It really doesnt feel like it to me for some reason. Its starting to- but normally at this time, i can hardly sleep at night. I am excited, but oddly overwhelmed by it. Maybe because i havent started shopping. I think trying to incorporate both sides (rudy's and mine) is a bit of a stress. I want to be able to be here the weekend before christmas and do holiday baking and go to church etc but instead we are going to the quad cities. Its a long way in the cold. We also foudn out that rudy gets off of work at 2 pm on Christmas eve. This is not enough time for him to come with me to the Kinney side of the family and that makes it hard. I want him to see all of her first christmas's with all the families.

This weekend we are all going to be at my parents. The whole gang. Matt and Maria are comign back to watch the Christmas play and then we are doing a dinner and then (hopefully) decorating Christmas cookies. I am going to try to make them up fri/sat so they will be good to go on sunday. I cant wait:)