My Dearest Vaughn-elise,
You tell me every.single.day that you promise not to grow up, that you promise not to get big and that you promise you will alllllways be my little girl. Ohh this quiets my heart. All to clearly you are growing faster than I even realize. The other night while you said your prayers you whispered to God to not let you grow in the night so that mommy would not be sad. I never want you to feel your growing saddens me. It is a mixture of joy and sadness and I do wish I could freeze time and hold you just where you are. In your innocence and purity and absolute wonder. All too soon you will be off to pre-school with the "big kiddos". You have asked over and over when you get to be big enough to ride the bus and I know that day will be here before we know it. But for now, I want to hold onto each and every moment with you at this age. I am so very thankful to be able to start our journey of me being at home with you full time. While I will still be working some days, my time will be focused on you. I have already signed us up for classes and planned days. I have been working toward THIS time, these moments since the very moment I found out I was going to be having you. I am so very blessed beyond measure to have you in my life, everyday, your hugs, your wit, your sweet words, your spunk, your never ending excitement to see me....even if it was just moments before. I love you to the moon and back and you are my most precious! You are growing far too quick my love. Far too quick indeed.
Love you so very very much, your mommy.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
wake up moment
I have to say that I have been down in the dumper-ooos about this body of mine. While I am thankful for my two legs and arms and all the right parts- I simply have felt gross. Obviously, I am overweight by more than I should be, I am more out of shape than I ever have been (yes, even after having Vaughn I was in better shape than I am now. boo). I just have not felt beautiful in the slightest and so, since I am unhappy with my weight, I have not put much care or effort into any part of my appearance, no make up, hair undone, barely matching most days. I have just been a gross blob. Poor Rudy. I have felt too simple, not exotic enough, not thin enough, not toned enough. Mind you- only a few of my concerns have actually been about health- thats another topic all together and will be written on shortly. They have all been, up until a few days ago, solely based on looks.
But today, sitting un showered, in bright yellow hawk sweats and a brown and pink tshirt and red fuzzy socks (looking much like vaughn dressed me) I started noticing something. I was on facebook and ad on the side said "are you simple, or are you sexy?" Excuse me?!? I was immediately offended that this would be out there...or even a question. My spoken response was "since when is simple not sexy? since when do women have to be extravagant or showy to be sexy? I am simple....(and though while I do not feel sexy today, or at all recently, I believe simple is sexy.) Then through the course of randomly flipping through a page a friend had commented on, I stumbled upon a blog thankfulforgrace.blogspot.com and read a little. I love finding new motivating, sweet blogs.
This one is about a women who realized that she always wanted flat abs, and a friend who always had them only wanted (and was unable) to have children. The author of the blog has 6. It hit me maybe as hard as it hit her when her friend commented on this......while I should respect my body and work at making it the best it can be, I cannot expect flat abs. One messed up blessing of a Csection later and my stomach muscles are not only non existant but not touching each other....I will always have a messed up scar, a crooked, puffy, red messed up scar.....but God does not see this ugly, messed up or anything of the sort. This is my badge of honor! I can get into shape and be the best ME I can, but my sacrifice of having a flat stomach is having a beautiful, talented, smart, loving and adoring little girl who tells me everyday that I am beautiful.
We each have different nemesis. Mine is and has always been my stomach. Even when I was a size 4 and 125 lbs my stomach is where I carried the most weight. Instead of looking at catalogs and thinking "I am too simple to look like the perfect mom on the go" I should just focus on being the best ME I can.
I am hoping to focus more on my health part of getting in shape in the coming months. Rudy and I made a (difficult) decision to have me start staying home effective the end of this month!!!! YIPPEEE!!! While this was MONTHS (maybe more like a year) of praying about it, discussing it, crunching numbers and stressing about all of the what ifs, we decided it needs done. I, currently, am spread far too thin. My daughter has been passed around and not getting enough time with me, my marriage is (severely) suffering from my stress level. As of today, I work full time, do photography on the weekends (and when its a wedding about 30 hours of editing during the week), school, parent, and try to be good mom and wife. I am failing in EVERY area at this point. Something had to give. My photography business has really taken off and we have nearly the entire year booked. There are some months that area little low on weddings but most of them are looking great.
After my doctors apt yesterday, I am realizing how much this stress has taken a negetive toll on my body! With three more meds on the list and a possible gallbladder removal in the next couple of weeks it was a huge wake up call and confirmation that we're making the best choice. I will continue to pray that business comes in and I hope you all will pray for that too! I am excited to have time during the week to work out, eat right, prepare foods at home and not be running around like a mad woman. My body will surely thank me. And since I only have THIS life and THIS body, I better do with them both what I want. I better get healthy and live everyday on purpose instead of in a knot like I have been.
With all of this weather warming up....its making me crave some good ole grill food and sweet corn!
But today, sitting un showered, in bright yellow hawk sweats and a brown and pink tshirt and red fuzzy socks (looking much like vaughn dressed me) I started noticing something. I was on facebook and ad on the side said "are you simple, or are you sexy?" Excuse me?!? I was immediately offended that this would be out there...or even a question. My spoken response was "since when is simple not sexy? since when do women have to be extravagant or showy to be sexy? I am simple....(and though while I do not feel sexy today, or at all recently, I believe simple is sexy.) Then through the course of randomly flipping through a page a friend had commented on, I stumbled upon a blog thankfulforgrace.blogspot.com and read a little. I love finding new motivating, sweet blogs.
This one is about a women who realized that she always wanted flat abs, and a friend who always had them only wanted (and was unable) to have children. The author of the blog has 6. It hit me maybe as hard as it hit her when her friend commented on this......while I should respect my body and work at making it the best it can be, I cannot expect flat abs. One messed up blessing of a Csection later and my stomach muscles are not only non existant but not touching each other....I will always have a messed up scar, a crooked, puffy, red messed up scar.....but God does not see this ugly, messed up or anything of the sort. This is my badge of honor! I can get into shape and be the best ME I can, but my sacrifice of having a flat stomach is having a beautiful, talented, smart, loving and adoring little girl who tells me everyday that I am beautiful.
We each have different nemesis. Mine is and has always been my stomach. Even when I was a size 4 and 125 lbs my stomach is where I carried the most weight. Instead of looking at catalogs and thinking "I am too simple to look like the perfect mom on the go" I should just focus on being the best ME I can.
I am hoping to focus more on my health part of getting in shape in the coming months. Rudy and I made a (difficult) decision to have me start staying home effective the end of this month!!!! YIPPEEE!!! While this was MONTHS (maybe more like a year) of praying about it, discussing it, crunching numbers and stressing about all of the what ifs, we decided it needs done. I, currently, am spread far too thin. My daughter has been passed around and not getting enough time with me, my marriage is (severely) suffering from my stress level. As of today, I work full time, do photography on the weekends (and when its a wedding about 30 hours of editing during the week), school, parent, and try to be good mom and wife. I am failing in EVERY area at this point. Something had to give. My photography business has really taken off and we have nearly the entire year booked. There are some months that area little low on weddings but most of them are looking great.
After my doctors apt yesterday, I am realizing how much this stress has taken a negetive toll on my body! With three more meds on the list and a possible gallbladder removal in the next couple of weeks it was a huge wake up call and confirmation that we're making the best choice. I will continue to pray that business comes in and I hope you all will pray for that too! I am excited to have time during the week to work out, eat right, prepare foods at home and not be running around like a mad woman. My body will surely thank me. And since I only have THIS life and THIS body, I better do with them both what I want. I better get healthy and live everyday on purpose instead of in a knot like I have been.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
2011 Resolutions::
1. Read 1 book per month....big or little....inspirational or fiction....just something.
2. Read to Vaughn before bed most nights.
3. Take more trips even if just for the weekend.
4. Be less active in "social media" and more active in game playing, snuggling and playing house.
5. find budget ways to feed my family healthy, un processed foods each day.
6. Become more organized, more focused, less stressed.....in all areas of my life.
7. Become financially able to stay home with Vaughn and do my photography business "full time".
8. I will focus more on a presentable outer me. I want to feel good about my appearance again and I owe that not only to me, but to my clients, my husband and my daughter. I really want to be the best me....inside and outside...and I think 2011 is the year to do it!
9. Ideally I would love to grow our family- if God choses this is right....whether adoption or natural.
2. Read to Vaughn before bed most nights.
3. Take more trips even if just for the weekend.
4. Be less active in "social media" and more active in game playing, snuggling and playing house.
5. find budget ways to feed my family healthy, un processed foods each day.
6. Become more organized, more focused, less stressed.....in all areas of my life.
7. Become financially able to stay home with Vaughn and do my photography business "full time".
8. I will focus more on a presentable outer me. I want to feel good about my appearance again and I owe that not only to me, but to my clients, my husband and my daughter. I really want to be the best me....inside and outside...and I think 2011 is the year to do it!
9. Ideally I would love to grow our family- if God choses this is right....whether adoption or natural.
XMAS and New Years 2010
What a beautiful fun Christmas we had. Vaughn's intense fear of santa subsided long enough for gifts to be enjoyed and she decided after opening her "cat piano" that "santa IS A nice GUY afterall!" We will have to see how next year goes as far as that:)
We spent lots of great time with family and nothing is more precious than that around the holidays. Rudy was able to have XMAS eve off this year which never happens so we were feeling really blessed to have him here. Aside from a Christmas kitchen fire (we're all fine and I will remember to put a sheet pan under bubble bread next time) we had so much fun relaxing, laughing and playing together. I love my sweet little family.
We got my parents a Wii fit and I cant tell you how funny it was watching my dad play those games! We had a blast!
This weekend we will be going to Illinios to visit my Gma Margaret. I am shooting a wedding new years eve and then we'll head the rest of the way. I am trying to think of my 2011 NY resolutions. I try not to put too much into them because typically by Jan 14th I have forgotten them and moved on to more practical life things...but I am a believer in goals and so I yearly follow the tradition of creating a resolution list....soon to come.
We spent lots of great time with family and nothing is more precious than that around the holidays. Rudy was able to have XMAS eve off this year which never happens so we were feeling really blessed to have him here. Aside from a Christmas kitchen fire (we're all fine and I will remember to put a sheet pan under bubble bread next time) we had so much fun relaxing, laughing and playing together. I love my sweet little family.
We got my parents a Wii fit and I cant tell you how funny it was watching my dad play those games! We had a blast!
This weekend we will be going to Illinios to visit my Gma Margaret. I am shooting a wedding new years eve and then we'll head the rest of the way. I am trying to think of my 2011 NY resolutions. I try not to put too much into them because typically by Jan 14th I have forgotten them and moved on to more practical life things...but I am a believer in goals and so I yearly follow the tradition of creating a resolution list....soon to come.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
I have been home sick for 4 days...felt sick for 6 and am finally finally feeling better. Bronchitis on the verge of pnuemonia- fever and the pukes to boot. I have REALLY enjoyed being home. I have not gotten much done up until today since I could barely sit up but its back to work tomorrow. Hopefully soon I wont have to say that anymore but for now- I'll force a smile and go back. Ugh!
Being home has made me restless. I watched both Under the Tuscan Sun and Eat Pray Love and let me tell you- I think my soul is on a winery in Tuscany! I would LOVE to do that...for a year, or two or three. How amazing, peaceful and settling would that be!?
I feel like most of the time I spend running...in circles....forgetting everything about who I am and losing myself every.single.day. I know some would say "well then just be you." its not that I am not. I am. But between early mornings, working full days, raising a toddler and crashing at a usual 9 pm only to get up and do it all over again (or stay up all hours of the night editing photos) I feel like....Where am I. I feel like I need to create....I need to paint, I need to sing, I need to read good books, I need to be in complete silence, or alone with my music or have hours to sit and write.....I remember when I used to do that....how amazing I felt....how "centered" I felt....Now, Now I just feel like a ball of chaos, always spinning my wheel trying to get "there" and getting no where. I told rudy, I dont feel that I even have time for any routines with Vaughn- No time to sit and be with her doing things we love. I sometimes just feel like I am losing my grip and the precious moments that I long for. With my daughter, with my husband, with myself. When Rudy and I fight I often wonder Am I mad at him? Or am I mad at me for losing myself in his presence? Am I mad that even he cant stop me from getting lost in the maddness?
Vaughn-elise was walking across the room the other day. I was on the couch doing who knows what and she turned and looked at me....walked a few more steps and turned and walked toward me. She got VERY close to my face, touched my forehead and said "Mama, you have the most beaut-eous eyes. They are soo colorful and sparkly." and then she kissed my cheek and went along with her way. When is the last time someone said something so precious to me? When did I stop and notice someone's eyes? When's the last time I stopped to REALLY notice anything?
Wake up Meghan, Your life is not going to slow down....so YOU NEED TO!
Being home has made me restless. I watched both Under the Tuscan Sun and Eat Pray Love and let me tell you- I think my soul is on a winery in Tuscany! I would LOVE to do that...for a year, or two or three. How amazing, peaceful and settling would that be!?
I feel like most of the time I spend running...in circles....forgetting everything about who I am and losing myself every.single.day. I know some would say "well then just be you." its not that I am not. I am. But between early mornings, working full days, raising a toddler and crashing at a usual 9 pm only to get up and do it all over again (or stay up all hours of the night editing photos) I feel like....Where am I. I feel like I need to create....I need to paint, I need to sing, I need to read good books, I need to be in complete silence, or alone with my music or have hours to sit and write.....I remember when I used to do that....how amazing I felt....how "centered" I felt....Now, Now I just feel like a ball of chaos, always spinning my wheel trying to get "there" and getting no where. I told rudy, I dont feel that I even have time for any routines with Vaughn- No time to sit and be with her doing things we love. I sometimes just feel like I am losing my grip and the precious moments that I long for. With my daughter, with my husband, with myself. When Rudy and I fight I often wonder Am I mad at him? Or am I mad at me for losing myself in his presence? Am I mad that even he cant stop me from getting lost in the maddness?
Vaughn-elise was walking across the room the other day. I was on the couch doing who knows what and she turned and looked at me....walked a few more steps and turned and walked toward me. She got VERY close to my face, touched my forehead and said "Mama, you have the most beaut-eous eyes. They are soo colorful and sparkly." and then she kissed my cheek and went along with her way. When is the last time someone said something so precious to me? When did I stop and notice someone's eyes? When's the last time I stopped to REALLY notice anything?
Wake up Meghan, Your life is not going to slow down....so YOU NEED TO!
Thursday, September 23, 2010
SO excited for fall!!!
I was home sick today with a migraine and stomach bug (possibly sick from the migraine meds- not sure) but Vaughn-elise went to the sitter today for the first half of the day so I could sleep off some of the yuck and then I picked her up (thinking it would be nap time) but she just wanted to play so we did. After feeling somewhat better we made Osso Buco and an apple /pear tart. Delish. My parents brought over apple bars and tarts (which is what got me craving them) last night. I have gotten ingredients for soup and am just so stinkin excited for fall and all it holds. I have been wanting to get some more candles but did get a cinnimon one the other day that is makign the house smell great!
This weekend I have a few photo shoots and apts to meet with people and then we're plannign on opening the windows- clean-cook and cheer on the Hawkeyes!!
This weekend I have a few photo shoots and apts to meet with people and then we're plannign on opening the windows- clean-cook and cheer on the Hawkeyes!!
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