HAPPY EASTER EVERYBUNNY!

a butt kickin

Last night rudy and I decided to go to anytime and work out. I have been all cocky and saying I could work out so much longer than him becuase in college, I did. I worked out twice a day for about 3 hours per day and could do advanced spin classes and was in pretty good shape. Nope. Not anymore. Not one stinking bit. Oh my goodness. Rudy was very sweet and kept saying "well, you've been out of it for a while and it takes some time to work back into it." under two miles on the eliptical and I was HURTING. There was a bigger girl next to me running her heart out and barely even breathing heavy. I was sweatin from head to toe and couldnt catch my breath. I was going two miles an hour faster than her but give me a break! RUdy more than doubled my workout and I realized, I have GOT to start going to the gym more. My crazy dancing with Vaughn doesnt exactly count as cardio. Oops. I am sore today. Pretty Pathetic!

The countdown

the countdown is on....5 more days til I move into my own place. Wait, 6...but still. It will go fast, this weekend will be busy and I still havent really packed much. I am waiting for the weather to make up its mind so I can only pack on season right now...but....its iowa and it will probably snow again in a few weeks.

So, Im feeling huge. I NEED to go to the gym. I am so sick and tired of being fat and unhappy with the way I look. SICK of it. Im just soft, there isnt a hard spot on my body...but my head. I miss the way I used to look in college...size 4, in shape, worked out twice a day, ate well....
Now, I havent worked out in way too long, I HATE my size and feel gross, i eat whatever I can grab on the run and i just feel nasty. Its time, past time, to get back in gear and take care of my body.

I have decided that I am going to do it. It might be a slow process b ut I have no one to blame for the way I look but myself. and I CANNOT believe I let myself get this heavy. Its rediculous. I worked so hard to get small in college and then I let myself balloon up. i want Vaughn to be raised seeing a good example of someone who lives a healthy lifestyle and takes care of herself and makes her body a priority. Not a fat, lazy, eat junk food kinda mom. Thats just gross. Sitting for 8 hours per day I am going to have to really pay much more attention to waht im doing and what im eating. Grrr. I hate getting old. Barf.


anyways, its bed time. sorry to be a debby downer.

strange

Its very hard to pull in the driveway and not have sadie there to greet you. Sometimes you dont realize what a big place your pets have in your life until they are gone. I bought some flowers last night and we burried her with some and have another bundle to put on top of the dirt tonight. Matt and dad worked so hard on making her old house into a nice resting place for her. She was burried with her rugs and matthew put some of her favorite chew toys in there with her. its just so sad, my heart is breaking. Especially for my sweet brother. I havent seen him so torn up in a very long time but he has wept for a solid two days. He just laid with her on the garage floor and cried and he put her in her resting spot with such struggle. He took much pride in sadie. He had taken her to the vet two weeks ago because she was acting strange. I will never forget his concern. I called the doctor yesterday to see if he missed somehting or if the tests lead to any concern or gave him any clue as to what could have happened. He was very sad about Sadie and said he saw nothing that could have hinted toward this.
Death is so difficult. Matthew broke down yesterday and said "how can anyone say pets dont have souls. What a horrible thing to say! I know Sades is in heaven." it gave me goosebumps. He started work today and hopefully that will help take his mind off of it. Though it hasnt for the rest of us.


Vaughn has ANOTHER ear infection and a bad yeast infection. if these meds dont work I am demanding something be done.

Rest in Peace sweet Sadie Dog

Today has been the saddest day since my Grandpa died. Sadie past away this morning. We are not sure what happened but my mom found her this morning. It was the most horrible thing. We have had a very sad emotional day around here. We had a ceremony for her tonight. Not a dry eye around this house. The strangest thing is that Vaughn-elise was awake from 12-4 am screaming and crying and saying "sadie outside." "Sadie ouchie" and was relentless. She was terrified, screaming those two things over and over. I walked to the kitchen to get her a bottle and pointed to the garage and said sadie is sleeping vaughn and she cried and pointed to the kitchen window and said Sadie outside, sadie ouchy. Sadie was found right outside the kitchen window. its strange. I think children must have some sort of sense about things that adults dont have. Even though she doesnt understand death, i know she realizes sadie is gone. This morning when we were pulling out of the driveway she said very somberly "bye bye sadie. Nigh nigh sadie." It was the saddest thing.

We will miss you sweet sadie hawkins. You were a good good doggie. Vaughnie thought you were the sun and we all loved you lots and lots.

Happy Birthday

This morning Vaughn elise woke me up (at 8:20!!! Atta Sleeper!) saying "Happy Birday, Mama!" Happy Birday MAMA. IT was the sweetest thing ever. Its no where near my brithday but...it was cute nonetheless. Dont ask where she learned it because it hasnt been anyones birthday around here for a very long time. It was adorable. off and on se ttold me that through out the day.

Hope you all had a "happy birday" kinda weekend!

big mistake

So, last night rudy and I decided it was date night time....great idea! My parents gave us a gift card to the movie theater back at Christmas and we had yet to use it so we decided it was time. I don't watch a lot of TV and thus don't see a lot of movie trailers but Rudy really wanted to go see this one called "knowing" with Nicholas cage. (what movie is bad that has Nicholas cage in it right?) Plus my parents had seen it and thought it was awesome. For a little back story I have HUGE anxiety about death, the end of the world and my own dying. I have a very strong feeling that I will die young/soon and that I will have to say goodbye to vaughn etc. I mean HUGE anxiety about it. Sometimes I don't want to leave the house, want to call into work etc because i get such a strong feeling I will die that day if I leave the house. Probably not many of you know this but Rudy is well aware of this issue. Not something I like to talk about to anyone and just thinking of it gives me huge anxiety. So WHY IN THE WORLD did he suggest this movie?? I had the WORST anxiety attack of my life in the theater. Luckily it was close to empty. It was the worst 2 hours of my life. i wanted to leave, come home. I was a WRECK. poor rudy. I could not stop crying and was shaking so badly i kept knocking the popcorn over. Seriously, i thought I was going to pass out. I have never had anxiety attacks that seriously but it was ridiculous. I did not know what was happening to me. He felt HORRIBLE and followed me home and sat with me until I was calm but I didn't sleep ALL NIGHT. Some of you are probably thinking I am crazy, but it was seriously the most scary thing I have ever been through. WORD OF ADVICE....DON'T watch this movie if these kinds of things bother you...at all! It was the saddest, scariest, most mentally tormenting movie i have ever seen. I didn't think i was going to make it home and just watching the movie made me feel like i was never going to see Vaughn again. You can imagine that I ran in the door and back to the room and picked her up and slept with her all night in my bed. I cannot even explain how I felt.....it was miserable. The most intense movie I have EVER seen...and I love intense movies. SO needless to say date night turned into a horrible, scary, emotionally painful night for me...and probably Rudy too. I hope I NEVER feel like that again.